Page 4 | Bad sex in an otherwise good marriage

Cece92 · 23/09/2025 22:19

Why don’t you ask him if he’s open to experimenting sexually?

JamDisaster · 23/09/2025 22:20

Philipthecat · 22/09/2025 22:21

Sort of. Not in a cheating way. Just a friend I was talking to about previous sexual experiences, made me realise how much I miss it.

I don't want to cheat on my husband.

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Maybe you miss feeling young and hot and all the excitement of the world being your oyster. But leaving your husband won’t necessarily bring that back.

SALaw · 23/09/2025 22:33

So if you can’t articulate it and it isn’t about doing something different, what is it you say to each other about it when you talk or argue about it? You must be saying something about what the other is doing or not doing?

TheBucketWomen · 23/09/2025 22:39

Prior to meeting DH I had a lot of sexual partners

I think this sums up your problem.

Mondayblues2 · 23/09/2025 23:28

Glistening · 22/09/2025 19:46

NC for obvious reasons. Similar situation. My DH is really small. He also sweats a lot during sex. And he’s very coy in a way that just turns me off. I’ve never enjoyed sex with him but he’s by far the best man I’ve ever been with in every other way. We have young DC too. He knows I don’t enjoy our sex life but is too shy about sex to ever address it properly.

I feel sad and frustrated about the sex often, but I don’t for a second believe I would find another man I click with so well in other areas. I also wouldn’t blow up my kids’ lives over this. So for me I have accepted, as far as I can accept, that enjoyable sex is a thing of the distant past - just like a lot of other things from my youth… 😭

I also found this sad to read but I confess that what you’ve described would really turn me off too. I remember a lovely guy I met many years ago, we never went all the way, but he was so poor at the ‘preliminaries’ that I knew it was a lost cause

TomHollandaise · 23/09/2025 23:43

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Christ, don't hold back!

TrishM80 · 24/09/2025 01:16

Your genital gratification is not more important than the happiness of your children.

SemiRetiredLoveGoddeess · 24/09/2025 01:36

I don't think this is a genuine post.

It is so contradictory. It doesn't sound right?

kkloo · 24/09/2025 03:01

Philipthecat · 22/09/2025 19:34

We have talked about it. A lot. It's the thing we argue about the most, more than anything else. And we don't argue about it very often. But it hasn't helped. It's not about training I don't think, it's like if you both like tea, but one likes it black with sugar and lemon and ones likes a builders brew. You can drink the others tea, but it isn't quite the same.

How is it leading to arguments? Is one of you blaming the other for the lack of chemistry or what is going on?

Mondayblues2 · 24/09/2025 07:33

kkloo · 24/09/2025 03:01

How is it leading to arguments? Is one of you blaming the other for the lack of chemistry or what is going on?

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Or has all this caused a lack of frequency, and is that what leads to arguments?

FlyingUnicornWings · 24/09/2025 09:24

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 22/09/2025 19:30

Train? Do you keep little treats in the bedroom for positive reinforcement?

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😆😆😆 Not a bad idea if you ask me!

TouchOfSilverShampoo · 24/09/2025 09:52

I think stop dancing around the issue you have presented here.

It’s been the same for 20 years which hasn’t been an issue, until now. Who’s turned your head?

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 24/09/2025 10:05

I think it's natural to hark back to the glories of youth, isn't it? To remember how sex was when you were a hot 20-something and the men were queuing up for you? But then you get older, the men stop calling, and you look at the one you committed to and wonder about all the hot sex that everyone else is having.

But things change as you age. Men who are great at sex tend to be sexually compatible with a LOT of women, and there's no compulsion for them to ever stay in a relationship. So you might find truly hot sex but men who don't want to stick around to continually have it with you.

Sometimes good enough is good enough, when everything else works.

Butchyrestingface · 24/09/2025 10:13

Philipthecat · 22/09/2025 19:34

We have talked about it. A lot. It's the thing we argue about the most, more than anything else. And we don't argue about it very often. But it hasn't helped. It's not about training I don't think, it's like if you both like tea, but one likes it black with sugar and lemon and ones likes a builders brew. You can drink the others tea, but it isn't quite the same.

I think if someone I'd been with for 20 years was arguing with me repeatedly over the "way we move together, the chemistry ... it's almost intangible" and "not quite hitting the mark", I'd want out. It's all so vague and nebulous - how can he ever hope to change if you can't explain the issue?

minipie · 24/09/2025 10:26

I wonder if the way you feel about the sex is part of the reason why the sex doesn’t work.

So if you and DH start to kiss etc and you are already thinking “this is going to be a disappointment” then that’s a self fulfilling prophecy.

A pp asked what happens if you have a couple of drinks. I wonder that too. Maybe getting out of your head a bit more would help?

Arcadia · 24/09/2025 11:03

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 24/09/2025 10:05

I think it's natural to hark back to the glories of youth, isn't it? To remember how sex was when you were a hot 20-something and the men were queuing up for you? But then you get older, the men stop calling, and you look at the one you committed to and wonder about all the hot sex that everyone else is having.

But things change as you age. Men who are great at sex tend to be sexually compatible with a LOT of women, and there's no compulsion for them to ever stay in a relationship. So you might find truly hot sex but men who don't want to stick around to continually have it with you.

Sometimes good enough is good enough, when everything else works.

This is a really good point. The best sex I’ve had was unfortunately with men who were total dogs behaviour wise/relationship wise!

FattyMallow · 24/09/2025 13:28

There's a massive communication problem here, the post is either not clarified properly or the author hasn't got a specific point about what exactly she isn't satisfied about.

Perhaps finding his kink and joining him would give him confidence to explore her kink. But throwing away a 20 year relationship with 2 children seems unwise on the grounds of DH being "incompatible", "intangible" in bedroom. Mastrubation and automatic didlos incorporated, could well suffise too, if love is priority here.

Themaghag · 24/09/2025 18:57

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Rude!

Nantescalling · 24/09/2025 22:19

Angelil · 22/09/2025 20:05

@Glistening @Philipthecat i am in a similar situation. Great partner and husband, bedroom situation not good at all. It is difficult because he is sweet and sensitive and really trying hard to relight that side of our relationship but I just feel like it’s too late/unfixable basically. It’s so sad because I never thought this would happen to us. You have my sympathy.

It's never too late !

101Alsatians · 24/09/2025 22:25

TouchOfSilverShampoo · 24/09/2025 09:52

I think stop dancing around the issue you have presented here.

It’s been the same for 20 years which hasn’t been an issue, until now. Who’s turned your head?

I'm thinking tis a woman.

kkloo · 24/09/2025 22:54

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You can't train someone to have sexual chemistry with you.

Your post made me think of that stupid song 'more passion, more passion, more energy, more energy, more footwork.....😂

duckfordinner · 24/09/2025 23:39

You’ve been 8 years together before getting married. If it was that bad - why did you marry him?? Were you desperate to settle down and have children?? If yes, then I’m sorry, you made your bed.

whimsicallyprickly · 24/09/2025 23:44

I agree with @Sashya

SnowFrogJelly · 25/09/2025 00:53

Philipthecat · 22/09/2025 18:41

DH and I have been together 20years, married 12. 2 kids. He's a wonderful husband and father. Very much my partner. I love him and our life very much.

But the sex is bad.

Prior to meeting DH I had a lot of sexual partners and I know I enjoy sex, and I orgasm easily. Orgasm isn't the issue. DH is giving and considerate of my needs but I just think we're incompatible in the bedroom. What we enjoy just doesn't match up. He isn't bad at it, I just think together we don't work.

I've recently had a bit of a wake up as to just how much I don't enjoy the sex.

Can a marriage survive? Can my marriage survive? I just feel really sad.

How have you been married 20 years if sex doesn’t work..

kkloo · 25/09/2025 01:03

duckfordinner · 24/09/2025 23:39

You’ve been 8 years together before getting married. If it was that bad - why did you marry him?? Were you desperate to settle down and have children?? If yes, then I’m sorry, you made your bed.

She can divorce you know....