Bad sex in an otherwise good marriage

[Philipthecat]

DH and I have been together 20years, married 12. 2 kids. He's a wonderful husband and father. Very much my partner. I love him and our life very much.

But the sex is bad.

Prior to meeting DH I had a lot of sexual partners and I know I enjoy sex, and I orgasm easily. Orgasm isn't the issue. DH is giving and considerate of my needs but I just think we're incompatible in the bedroom. What we enjoy just doesn't match up. He isn't bad at it, I just think together we don't work.

I've recently had a bit of a wake up as to just how much I don't enjoy the sex.

Can a marriage survive? Can my marriage survive? I just feel really sad.

Ahhh, you want BBC? 😉

I totally agree with you @JacquesHarlow
There are just these sharp unsympathetic lacking in any empathy posts that pop up on threads. They are just weird and not in the spirit of MN I think.

I know exactly what you mean OP. I have always found my partner (of 20 years) good looking, I like his body, on paper everything works as it should.
but … I’ve never had the swooping feeling in my stomach, and the urge to kiss or touch him spontaneously has almost completely gone.
I always loved sex before with other people, but with him it’s never been anything very special, the chemistry was never completely there if I'm honest with myself, but I wanted stability and to build a happy family life which we mainly have done.
I’m in the position now of considering separation at a time that my libido has gone completely almost for the first time in my life (hormones), it’s strangely freeing to see things clearly without a sex drive affecting my judgement!
if we do end up splitting the thought of having sex again feels a bit weird and yucky, but if I met the right person it would be good to get those flutters again.
I would never cheat though.

Similar situation. Married 23 years, no chemistry. He isn't even interested in sex at all, possibly has ED but won't admit there's any problem at all, says everything is fine with our sex life when I try to address it. But I'm so frustrated I could cry, we've been mismatched in the bedroom department for over 15 years and I keep hoping my libido will just disappear. But I'm starting to get really resentful about missing out on a good sex life and my best years being wasted.

However, he's otherwise a good, caring husband and great dad to our kids, so I can't bring myself to break up the family because I want more passion/ excitement/ adventure in my life.

Surely there is a compromise to this though. Like lets say you have sex twice a week, cant you do what he likes once and what you like the other time? So you have good sex once a week and sex for him once?
Kinda like who gets to pick the movie 🤷🏻‍♀️

This , really.

Does a couple of glasses of wine help?

So you’ve said there’s something off. But you’ve not said what. Your husbands tried a number of different things. It hasn’t worked.

I feel really bad for him tbh. This sounds heartbreaking. How is he coping?

I completely agree. It’s utterly bizarre the posts MN allows and those they delete. So much racism and misogyny is allowed apparently, and it does make you wonder why…

I think there are too many ‘pros’ to this relationship / man to end it, you may find a man who you have more chemistry with but I bet he would be lacking in some areas compared to your husband…..anyway have you heard how extremely tough the dating world is for people over a certain age!!…..there are no guarantees you would even meet another man let alone a man who you have good sexual chemistry with

Only you can decide this, op, but my take is that you have an awful lot of good stuff- he's a wonderful father and husband, you love him, and the sex although you describe it as "bad" doesn't actually sound all that bad- more that it could be better. Obviously this is a hard one to understand as it's so personal and not easy to convey but if you ranked all the sex in the world from best to worst, it sounds top half, maybe even top third. There are an awful lot of people out there having truly terrible sex.

So I suppose the decision is 1) lovely marriage to a man you love but the knowledge that you could theoretically be having better sex, or 2) risk it all for the possibility of finding the whole package. I don't have personal experience of what it's like to date as a middle-aged woman in 2025 but if the experience of my single friends is anything to go by, I don't think lovely men with no issues who are great in bed are in abundant supply. I think it's a risk that you might regret taking. However, I'm not you and only you know how much this matters.

I also wonder whether there might be an element of mid life crisis to this- a panic at the idea that this is it, you won't get another go round. I don't mean this in a disparaging way- we all grapple with this stuff. But if there might be some truth in it, do take that into account in assessing how you feel. You wouldn't be the first person to throw away a guinea and find tuppence.

Reading that is very sad.

I never understand why so many women think that good sex means all the technicalities are correct. I've had sex with quite a few men and they all have to be taught a little bit (all too rough). Some of them, you think you're attracted to and then it starts and it's very clear that something's off and you can't be bothered to repeat the experience.

With some of them it's amazing even though they're not doing anything different. It's all to do with chemistry and if I'm totally honest, how good looking they are. Not anymore though because alas, my libido has disappeared :(.

That said, I'd think very carefully about leaving op because you may end up on your own.

I'm struggling to understand how you argue about sex. What sorts of things are you bringing up in that type of argument?

You've been together 20 years so should have no embarrassment about it - are you clearly telling him what you want, how you want to be touched and so on?

I have really good sex with my husband of 20 years, but do at times have to give him brutal direction to get what I want. Like "Slow down. Slower. Slower. WILL YOU SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!"

I've also encouraged him to flirt with me in the last year or so. I've needed to feel a bit of that "new relationship" excitement, so we've been going out for dinners and drinks and having cheeky conversations that build some tension, and I've demanded that he pay me sexy compliments! I've also sent him some naked photos.

I think it's better to invest in spicing up a decent marriage, rather than hoping sparks will fly with Mr Perfect who is DEFINITELY waiting just around the corner!

So it's not a problem of opportunity, attraction, technique, different desires/kinks or open communication.....
Am I the only one struggling to understand this?

I would not blow up an otherwise happy marriage for this OP. It’s an entirely fixable situation! See a sex therapist. Get into tantra. Go to a sex club. Heck even go consider agreed upon non-monogamy if you have to. But I really doubt you’d have to go that far, if you told your husband you were willing to leave over this. Most men are eager to please?

I think the problem is its tangible.

I think I get where the OP is coming from as I had similar with a long term partner.
I'm my case things were good in the early rushes of the sexual side of the relations for over a year. On paper we were incredibly compatible, into the same things, thought alike, etc.
However
As the honeymoon period wore off things changed slowly. Not in the usual way of falling out of love, losing attraction or even not enjoying sex. Just that something wasn't quite right with the chemistry between us.

Imagine watching your favourite film on TV and it totally engrosses you, but the TV is tilted by 1 degree clockwise. Not enough to make a measurable difference, but enough to distract you. But every time you watch the irritation grows until you can no longer really enjoy the film properly even though you should be able to.
It was a very eye opening experience for me though and lead to a years of introspection and singledom until I started saying again!

Maybe you were just having a bad sex day when you wrote this...

There is no downside to this. Suck here, lick that, well done here's some bacon. Sounds amazing

Living it is even sadder! Unfortunately we are only 38 too so I’ll be feeling this way for a long time yet. I’d be sadder still being without him though.

What about seeing a sex therapist? Worth a shot, surely?

You're asking can your marriage survive. What about your children?. You say that he's a loving father and husband. Have you no idea that you've won a watch given that there are so many shit men out there. If I was one of your children and discovered in adulthood that you blew my life apart because you were unhappy with your sex life I'd hate the bones of you.

Op I feel a bit like this and menopause has exacerbated it.

Male or female friend?