Bad sex in an otherwise good marriage

[Philipthecat]

DH and I have been together 20years, married 12. 2 kids. He's a wonderful husband and father. Very much my partner. I love him and our life very much.

But the sex is bad.

Prior to meeting DH I had a lot of sexual partners and I know I enjoy sex, and I orgasm easily. Orgasm isn't the issue. DH is giving and considerate of my needs but I just think we're incompatible in the bedroom. What we enjoy just doesn't match up. He isn't bad at it, I just think together we don't work.

I've recently had a bit of a wake up as to just how much I don't enjoy the sex.

Can a marriage survive? Can my marriage survive? I just feel really sad.

NC for obvious reasons. Similar situation. My DH is really small. He also sweats a lot during sex. And he’s very coy in a way that just turns me off. I’ve never enjoyed sex with him but he’s by far the best man I’ve ever been with in every other way. We have young DC too. He knows I don’t enjoy our sex life but is too shy about sex to ever address it properly.

I feel sad and frustrated about the sex often, but I don’t for a second believe I would find another man I click with so well in other areas. I also wouldn’t blow up my kids’ lives over this. So for me I have accepted, as far as I can accept, that enjoyable sex is a thing of the distant past - just like a lot of other things from my youth… 😭

Can you please use simple words to explain what the problem is? At the moment you seem to be saying "I know I like sth and it's not what he gives me" but you are not saying what it is. Do you just not fancy him or sth?
Or is it that one of you likes rough sex and the other one likes it gentle? Is one of you vanilla and the other one kinky? I was with a guy once and I swear we just didn't know how to have sex together, we both were trying to have it our way and he did not want to discuss it. He also had a shockingly bad erection problems (in his early 30s, now I know it was a performance anxiety). But the relationship lasted three months and not 20years.

having read your other posts your problem is not like mine. yours seems fixable!

Jesus christ

Sex therapist?
I think there's always compromised in a relationship. When you say bad. Is it really bad or just not exactly what you want?
Honestly now Iv hit menopause I dont want super long sex sessions or swinging from wardrobe - iv chnaged lots in last 29 years. I want an attentive partner, who sees to my needs. I also enjoy some alone time these days.

Life too short to throw away a good relationship over not great sex when there is so many ways to meet your needs

Iv also become blunt with what I like and dont like and communicate that clearly

You're supposed to be making love, connecting in an intimate way, not each of you individually trying to get an orgasm from the other person. Why don't you try sex therapy or a tantric workshop or similar? Maybe what you actually need is to connect properly - is there something else going on that makes you feel separate? If you love and like one another and are both willing to try things, then there's no reason why sex shouldn't be amazing.

I kind of get this, but have never persisted with a low chemistry relationship if I couldn't fix it. But my relationship history isn't a great advertisement for prioritising sexual chemistry! In your case, you're having regular sex with a loving & loved partner who is considerate in bed and you both orgasm.

I think this would be most people's idea of a happy - at least very satisfactory - sexual relationship. Are you sure you aren't pining for something that doesn't exist in real life?

How do you feel while you're doing the deed, and could you lose yourself more in the moment?

Does either of you have an unexpressed kink? I maybe should say that I'm not a fan of 'kink' but I know much they matter to some.

I'm sorry, I'm finding it hard to articulate the issue. I'm not sure the difference between bad sex and incompatible sex if I'm honest. Neither of us want some specifically different e.g. rough Vs soft, kinky Vs vanilla etc we're both fairly vanilla, but just everything he does just doesn't quite hit the mark. I suspect he's had the same thoughts and conversations to be honest and I'm pretty pragmatic about it.

I do fancy him. But sexual chemistry isn't there. Size wise he's all good.

20years ago the sex was as it is now. But yes, I was in the nesting stage and everything else was so good. I think @Sashya has summed it up really.

It's probably hormones and this feeling will go away in a couple of years, hopefully.

So yeah maybe wait it out for it to pass.

@Glistening @Philipthecat i am in a similar situation. Great partner and husband, bedroom situation not good at all. It is difficult because he is sweet and sensitive and really trying hard to relight that side of our relationship but I just feel like it’s too late/unfixable basically. It’s so sad because I never thought this would happen to us. You have my sympathy.

20 years is a long time to live with bad sex, although if you've lasted 20 years I'd say a marriage can survive bad sex.
What have you tried? Sex toys might help or trying out different positions. Sex games. If your both willing to be open about it and try new things there should be a way to achieve good sex.

Sounds like you're just not sexually attracted to him all that much. I've been there - on paper, he was good, catered to my needs, got the job done. In reality, it was stale, and, on reflection, I just wasn't that into him. I now have a sex god who makes me wonder why I put up stale sex for so long

@Philipthecat you obviously have a good relationship and you want to keep it. You could accept the sexual side or your could
try to improve it slightly and that may be enough just to really consolidate and give you an underlying happiness and connection.

sex therapist is worth trying. They work wonders.

dance lessons - something fun where you touch - helps sync movement.

good luck x

Is the wake up call another man?

Can you not learn different ways to move together?

You don't need to orgasm at the same time. He could get you off and then you get him off.

You say you orgasm easily. What about him? Is it possible he's over-masturbating and leaving nothing "in the tank"?

Sort of. Not in a cheating way. Just a friend I was talking to about previous sexual experiences, made me realise how much I miss it.

I don't want to cheat on my husband.

I'm sorry but I'm struggling to sympathise with you OP.

You have by your own admission a " wonderful" husband. You love him and the life you have with him.

You made vows to each other for heaven's sake.

The fact you are even contemplating giving all that you have up so you can get sex elsewhere beggars belief to me. You have so much more than so many women and yet you can't be happy because you don't think you've got everything you are entitled to.

Be careful what you wish for because you might realise too late what you have lost.

Hi @Philipthecat

Wanted to possibly offer some hope. I have experienced this from the reverse scenario. We have been together 25 yrs in love still find one another attractive, regular sex but certainly mismatched/ incompatibility in the bedroom for a lot of that time which made us sad as we on the outside had everything.

Over the years I put a in a lot of effort to improve the situation along with a lot of money. Which often had the reverse effect. Recently in our late forties with primary school children in the middle of the drugery of the daily grind We found our groove and are enjoying the best sex of our lives .

It reads like you have an equally good foundation. I think this can be improved if you both really want too. (You don’t mention what you’ve tried) Improved communication about sex out of the bedroom was a big part of our change.

If the two of you have talked about it and both acknowledged an issue, that at least gets you past the awkwardness of saying it's not satisfying you being taken as meaning you've been unsatisfied for a few decades.

If you don't want to split up, do still want sex, and don't want a non- monogamous sexual relationship, then I think your best bet is some kind of mutual exploration that at the very least leads you to a kind of reciprocality - you each understand what the other likes and needs, learn to read signals/talk freely (if that's a problem, it might not be) and then maybe you intentionally alternate on focusing on one person or the other rather than complete mutuality. Some kind of professional sex therapy could help, but if you're not both comfortable with that maybe trying to replicate the analysis and compromise via whatever's available in terms of books, video, etc?

I had mind blowing sex with my partner for years. Now 28 years down the line, it’s an occasional quickie in the morning. With kids and jobs etc. It’s hard to get too enthusiastic. I love him so definitely not leaving over it but I do understand.
However, I have a couple of friends who are on tinder etc. and their stories of awful sex has put me off for life!

You seem to have married a man you… just don’t fancy?

Go tantric

Go to a sex therapist, they can do wonders for couples.

Is this how you communicate in real life?

@MyLimeGuide how on earth do you think this comment is within the Talk guidelines? Calling someone "idiotic" after they posted a very well written and cogent post, and are clearly vulnerable in doing so?

See this is what I"ve been saying, people of Mumsnet - that this site is now riddled with folk who just queue up to give the OP a very good kicking verbally, irrespective of their position on a debate etc.

I bet my post will be banned and @MyLimeGuide 's post will remain, because Mumsnet seem to love this kind of bear-baiting posting as it drives replies and therefore traffic.

However I don't think this post is within the spirit of the site and it adds nothing to the debate.

It feels like you already made a choice to settle for this twenty years ago. It's fine to change your mind though. But I don't think after twenty years it's going to get better, so it's a matter of what's more important to you. Personally I'd be quite happy to never have sex again at 45, but I realise it's not the norm.