DD and boyfriend are wasting their lives

[FiddIedeedee]

DD 27 and her boyfriend (also 27) are proper home bodies. All they seem to do in their free time is go for country walks with their dogs, meals out or Sunday markets 😂

When I was in my 20s I was partying, clubbing and getting up to all sorts, I fear they are wasting their youth!

Last weekend they baked cookies and went on a long country walk with the dogs with a pub lunch. DD spends a lot of time reading and crocheting bits here and there. The boyfriend has started furniture restoration as a hobby. They’re like an old couple honestly!

DD got annoyed with me because I said to them they need to be out enjoying their 20s (and soon 30s) and not acting like a couple in their 60s. DP says leave them be but I just don’t want them to regret not living life to the full. You’re a long time old as they say.

AIBU?

OP sounds horrible - judgemental, snobbish, narrow minded and shallow.

I’m sorry - I normally don’t agree with saying things like that about an OP, but really - she’s been so unpleasant I think it needs saying.

OP, do they have a wide circle of friends? You describe people who enjoy the quiet life, but do they meet other people at all, which would be a worry.

I'd say they are living life beautifully. Wasting your life is going out getting drunk and sleeping all the next day as its not my thing. Different people like different things.

I thought the OP was going to say something along the lines of they are unemployed and still under her feet at home!!

Their life sounds lovely to me. I ‘partied’ at university but not really into my twenties because I was prioritising work. I wrote my first book in my twenties on weekends because I too liked pottering and walking and - shock - going to the library!

I agree that travel is a nice thing to do but that can be done at any age and indeed can be nicer when older and with more cash. In the two years I’ve done more trips than over the last decade combined as the kids finally got past the ‘little stage’ and I had some savings. Life doesn’t end at 30….

Bloody hell, OP, leave her alone.

She's not wasting her life, she's living it the way she wants to.

Spending time and money in some shitty night club hating every minute of it for no reason other than because she thinks it's what she "should" be doing at the age of 27 would be a waste of her life.

By the time I was 27 I was delighted about no longer having to pretend to enjoy clubbing.

I’m 28 and I’m married with two kids, should I still be out partying??

We took our kids everywhere in our camper. Festivals, all over the country. We were away most weekends.

You don't need to go partying or on a plane.

I think "dog people" are just different. If the dog can't go, they don't want to go. So clubbing and drug fueled parties are out.

Sounds like a nice way to spend a day TBH.

OP when I went to Uni at age 18 I was happy to go out drinking etc but one thing that really pissed me off was that even amongst the supposedly most educated of young people I felt like I had to. There was a subtle suggestion from the other students and the student union that if you weren't prepared to go out and get dangerously drunk then you weren't 'fun' and weren't going to make friends. I am actually really glad if this next generation of young people are wise enough to seek out like-minded people and just do what makes them happy tbh. You're nuts if you bring this up with your dd. It sounds like they are productive members of society, are hurting nobody and are content. What more do you actually want?

Something being “Not your thing” doesn’t make it wasting your life.
You are committing exactly the same mistake as OP, that people doing it differently from you are wrong.

I agree with you mostly- but there is actually no suggestion that this young couple engage with anyone beyond themselves. Which I would see as a problem.

OP is horribly judgmental of her poor daughter though. I’m willing to bet they see friends for coffee and dinner, but OP doesn’t see it as “real” socialising because it doesn’t involve half a bottle of vodka and staggering home at 4am. I’m exactly the same as OP’s daughter, minus the partner (as much as I’ve tried!), as are all of my friends. It’s clear OP is just pushing her own standards on her daughter.

Ok so drinking/partying is a red herring.

I have RTFT and this is what I think we should take from it. OP hasn't quite articulated this, but my thesis is that a young person should make sure they do the things you can ONLY do when young and fit, and things which challenge your preconceptions, while they are still being formed and your brain is plastic. (disclaimer- assuming able bodied, not to be ableist as some folks do not have the spoons for this kind of challenge).

Take the drinking out of OPs post and substitute :-

• A challenge of physical jeopardy - which requires endurance, or strength, or energy to complete. Could be charity work done somewhere in extreme heat or a dangerous place. Could be competitive sport. Could be driving round every day to a different little pub to hone your stand up routine in the face of hecklers and not getting home till 2am, then showing up at work and pushing on through. Could be taking drugs for 2 days if you want (though I would find that a bit of a meaningless use of energy). Could be doing a legal trainee role and being the one who stays up 50 hours straight in the office to get the deal done.These things train you to stretch your physical capability and your mental endurance, and test your fit youthful body.

• A challenge of social stretch Something that forces you into connection with an unusual set of people or circumstances so that your usual social responses need to be recalibrated. Could be working abroad, that's an easy one. Or finding a way to socialise outside your usual circles. The idea is to make your brain less rigid so you can be a better human and make more compassionate choices for yourself and the world.

• A challenge to your morality and political outlook.Could be achieved through one of the above but could also be travelling to see how people live differently, or doing some political volunteering, learning a new subject, or making art (rather than craft).

I believe we all should try and do this when we are young. 90s shorthand version was a bit of a lazy one of "partying and travel" but there's more ways to do it. 100% dog walks won't grow you as a human. I actually think it's ok to judge someone who seems to have no "stretch" in their life.

As we age, we can still try, but the level of energy we can bring to it diminishes. And we often have caring responsibilities that mean our own development is put on the back burner.

Kids are just like this these days OP.

I was talking about this with a friend…. When we were teens & early 20s in the late 90s/early 00s all we done was party & we would have went to work the next day with no sleep. But now the kids don’t drink alcohol and their idea of a good time is having a mooch around the M&S food hall, going to Pilates and grabbing a matcha after.

I would think a day climbing Mam Tor, enjoying the amazing view, then visiting Peveril Castle would be preferable to having vodka and a kebab after clubbing.

@CancelTheTableAlan , I think part of the problem is the embarrassment when the OP talks to her friends. Their kids have gone to NZ and the OP feels she can't compete.
It's a shame.

Yeah that could be it @ScarlettOYara . I think OP doesnt know quite why the kids exasperate her so much. Some is plain old social embarrassment. But there's an edge of something more meaningful that I was trying to work out.

I was trying to work out the why does it feel right to me that young people should strive and push themselves a bit?

But why do you think people MUST stretch themselves? Maybe OP’s daughter is perfectly happy as she is, and doesn’t want to go on one of those performative trips that make her look like a white saviour in some poor part of the world?

I was wondering that, too. You could be right, but something else is going on here. Another poster has suggested that she's transferring, because of her own ageing? Perhaps as she's getting older, she's negative about her young adult daughter's choices?
Plus the remarks about the DD living in "Little England", her disparaging term for where she lives - white and middle class. Yet the OP is white and middle class.
It's a strange one, really.

But why do you think people MUST stretch themselves? Maybe OP’s daughter is perfectly happy as she is, and doesn’t want to go on one of those performative trips that make her look like a white saviour in some poor part of the world

Oh God yes, you're right about the white saviour trips. That's why I said the 90s version of this was lazy- it was far closer to that, like "the world is there for my education". That isn't the kind of thing I was thinking at all. It's more like doing something where you realise what a small part you are of the world, and how your received wisdom is likely wrong in many ways.

I guess I just ...do think people MUST stretch themselves! We're all perfectly happy when we are totally cosy and comfy, but I think there's a moral requirement as a human to strive for greater understanding.

And the physical thing, well, it's partly common sense. Stay up all night when you're 20-40, because when you're 50-70 and you have to do it, you feel exponentially more like shit! And it makes you a better, healthier more capable person to have a bigger physical comfort zone, so why wouldn't you.

But your DD is happy. That should be all that matters.
You want her to do more, but she doesn’t. It’s her life, not yours. You’ve had your life and presumably done what you want. Now it’s her turn.
Just leave the poor girl alone Op. stop trying to interfere.

Some people think the party scene is boring, OP.

You've criticised your daughter for not clubbing, partying or drinking much alcohol. (Oh, and because her carbon footprint is too small.)

You're accusing her of wasting her life, but spending your money and time drinking overpriced alcohol, wearing uncomfortable clothes, listening to music you don't like which is too loud for you to be able to talk to your friends and sticking to the floor in some grotty club (whether it's in Manchester or Málaga) is a big old waste of life for anyone who doesn't enjoy that. Most of my uni friends enjoyed that so I went along and spent money I couldn't really afford doing something I didn't really want to be doing because I didn't want to be left out. I was absolutely thrilled once we all left uni and got jobs and I didn't have to pretend to enjoy clubbing anymore.

And most of the people I wasted all that time and money with were people I never saw again after uni. A couple of them are people I am still friends with now, and I love the fact that our meetups now tend to take place in a National Trust type place where we can have a nice walk, admire the flowers, and then grab a table next to the play area and enjoy a coffee and piece of cake whilst watching our children out of one eye.

If your daughter and her boyfriend want to go on walking holidays in the Lake District with their dogs at the age of 27, good for them. They sound like more interesting people than the sort of person who thinks they are wasting their youth because they choose to enjoy nature walks rather than falling out of clubs at 3am.

If they didn't want to go clubbing at 18 and they don't want to go clubbing now, they're not going to regret not going clubbing in 10 or 20 or 50 years' time. They're really not.

As for the travel, that's easily remedied. If they decide at the age of 45 that they haven't seen enough of the world, Japan will still be there.

Imagine all the fucks boys along the way from clubbing days shudder.

She could well be one of us who’s actually found her long term partner without having to kiss 50 frogs a long the way. Won’t be rushing to settle down because her clocks ticking (if
she wants children) and end up with a looser.

May I recommend they hire a campavan and do a tour of the old castles of wales with their dog. It’s lovely.

It's very variable, though. I had bad health in my 40s, for various reasons. I'm a lot better now, plus I'm retired, so I actually have more money, time and energy to do stuff that I want to.
You really can't tell how things will go.
My point is, this young woman is 27. She can totally have a change of lifestyle later, if she wanted to.
For the moment, maybe climbing Kinder Scout is a challenge!

I don't know, though. I've done a lot of different things outside my comfort zone physically and mentally. But the best person I know is my best friend from school who has never left the cluster of villages we grew up in.

The thing is, walking the dog can help you grow as a person, if you're the sort of person who treats that quiet time as an opportunity to use your brain.

My friend who has never been anywhere or done anything outside of her 'little world' does more to support the environment and people in that few square miles than some of the most travelled people I know who've travelled and run marathons have ever done for anyone.

Because the truth is, my friend is quite selfless. And it's been my experience that risk takers and adventurers are seldom the sorts of people who actually give much of a damn about anyone else.

Your dog walker cares enough about another creature to ensure it has exercise, even in awful weather. That's growth. Climbing a mountain to see if you can do it, whilst potentially getting others in danger to rescue you if you have difficulties...is that really growing them as a person more than the dog walker?

I'd say I have grown a lot more as a person since I pushed myself to do more for others than for myself. And you really don't have to undergo physical endurance or travel thousands of miles to do that.