DP not enjoying our “Special time” before the baby arrives.

[LaniJen]

Me and DP agreed in the early weeks of my pregnancy that we’d spend from 39 weeks onwards at my parents’ home, a little way out of the city, so I could relax before the baby arrived. Everything is sorted for a home birth there. I was really looking forward to this – time to just slow down, cook together, chat, and just enjoy being the two of us before everything changes.
DP can run his business remotely so it wasn’t an issue. I honestly thought we were having a lovely time.
But earlier, while trying to connect his phone to Bluetooth, I saw messages between him and a female family member (and her DH – they both work for his business). He was moaning about how bored he is here.
I feel a bit crushed. I thought this was a special time for us, but clearly he’s not feeling the same.
AIBU to be upset that he isn’t enjoying this “just us” time before the baby? Or do I need to accept that he might just find it boring, even if I don’t?

I understand he would be bored out of his wits ... I think you've romanticised the idea of 'time as a couple' before the baby comes. Unless you're a very recent couple in sort of 'the honeymoon stage', few men would enjoy being alone with their partner for weeks in this situation, I think. My husband would, but I know men who enjoy this kind of set up are few and far between.

Also, He might want to do more fun things, and see friends, while he still has no crying baby at night to keep you both up. Like others have said, hopefully you don't have this romantic idea of what giving birth and motherhood will be like...

I would not be happy having to spend the last week of my wife's pregnancy not being alone with her and staying in someone else's house! I can't blame him! Why couldn't your mum come to your house, if you needed her that badly? Put yourself in his shoes! He wants alone time with you in his house. Not someone else's. I'd be furious if I were him. You're being very selfish and unreasonable and unrealistic, and thinking about this completely the wrong way. Also if I were you I'd want to be in my home. So I really don't understand why you want to drag not just yourself but your partner to someone else's house at this most vital time. He must be feeling so overwhelmed and all he'd want is his home!

AIBU to be upset that he isn’t enjoying this “just us” time before the baby?

Yes, YABU. How can he enjoy time with you, when he is in a stranger's (well, she isn't his family) house? He wants to be in his own home, for goodness sake! I would not be able to relax, staying in someone else's home. What were you thinking? go back home, where you both should be, and he can then relax. In his own home. Without the MIL interrupting alone time with you.

You need to reword This house is like MY own little bubble

and very telling that despite hundreds of posters advising you otherwise, you return to the thread still absolutely dogmatic that this is all “we” and “our” and “we, we, we”

when it is very clearly “I” and “MY”

OP… would you care to share what is your plan re visitors posts birth?

This all sounds really weird.
Special time = jiggy jiggy but I guess there isn't going to be a lot of that going on in your advanced state of pregnancy.

I am perplexed why you would want to go from your own home/bed/comforts to your parent's house. Could you not have left your dh at home until the action started whilst you relaxed there?

He actually sounds like a real nice guy. He has sucked up your wishes, not shown you that he is bored and has only moaned on his phone.
You should not be looking at his phone! You are just about to have a baby with this fella and the trust is lacking so much that you have looked at his phone.

What about his work?

In the nicest way, you seem very self centric. Plenty of people are still working at 39 weeks, if not they're at home binging Netflix while their partner works to max out paternity leave.

Go home!

You claimed picking the hospital wasn’t a comment on one’s home because you did so because it’s safer. So now claiming the safety of a hospital isn’t relevant seems like you’re back tracking.

OP picked the place she felt most comfortable at giving birth, as do women who pic hospitals - they are all saying they prefer this other place to their own homes. Why would that be a terrible thing to say about your own homes? Almost no one builds their home with a view to the handful of days in their life when they are going to give birth.

It’s not even as though it’s terrible to think that another home mu=ight be cozier than your for a short time. Many people go away every year to a stay in other houses they make their own for a week or two and find cozy/romantic/special. DH and I go away several times a year and stay in homes that are nicer in some ways than our own home. We aren’t communicating anything negative about our home, which we’ve made as suitable for our everyday life as we can, we’re simply enjoying something a bit different for a short while in circumstances that are different from our normal life.

Having a go at a woman for a made up fault is nasty. It wasn’t to do with whether her DH was reasonable to be bored or not. It was just a criticism of the OP for liking her parents house - something she hadn’t asked about at all and which wasn’t relevant to boredom.

Also, heavily pregnant women are dealing with a tonne of hormones that can make keeping things in perspective more difficult. So the emotional maturity dig in your post was uncalled for too. But then you’re defending Bulbsbulbsbulbs nasty post, so it’s not surprising you post in the same vein.

This is such a weird thing to do. I'd get it was the other way round and if your parents house was closer to the hospital and amenities, but this is just odd. Anyway,if it works for you, it works for you.

Of course it's going to be different for your partner. There is no obvious added convenience for him, plus all the minor inconvenience of not being in his own home. Living in someone else's space is rarely relaxing.

But he's done it for you, and he's clearly not moaning at you as you didn't know he wasn't enjoying it until you saw the messages. I think that's more than enough to expect of him. Expecting him to actually enjoy it is an expectation too far.

Why couldn’t you have done this at home?
he sounds like he’s doing his best. Go home and enjoy your time there.

YABU I would be bored staying in someone else's home for that long.

You know what this grown man could have done if he didn't like the plan or was actually finding it boring after agreeing to it? He could have spoken to his wife rather than whinge to his family.

That's the bit I'd be pissed about if I was the op. It's fine for him to be bored but just talk to her for god's sake!!

He was probably trying not to upset her. I think she is being very selfish.

The "special time" that DH and I had was when I was 6 months pregnant and we enjoyed a lovely long weekend away in Suffolk. Just staying in someone else's house doing nothing is really boring.

This house is like our own little bubble where can focus on each other without feeling like we need to be available for other people socially for a few weeks while we soak up time as a couple. We aren’t in the middle of nowhere and if we wanted to go to the cinema or out for dinner then we can drive there.

that sounds like a lovely plan! But is it possible that this is your idea of a lovely little bubble? And not his?

Maybe he simply went along with your plan because he wants to make you happy, give you whatever you want/need before you give birth. And not because the idea actually appealed to him personally…

Yep.

maybe OP’s DH would have liked to spend these weeks being as social as possible before you they get caught up in the new born stage. Or maybe his brain simply needs something else to truly relax. Maybe more structure, more variety, more external inputs etc… seems like he agreed to this to make his heavily pregnant wife happy.

This. I would definitely want to be at home. I’d want to be getting on with the usual jobs and normal life. I can completely understand why your husband is bored.

Exactly - OP, what is the reasoning behind it?

Or she could avoid reading his private messages and not be the thought police.

Indeed.

The phrasing of This house is like our own little bubble where can focus on each other without feeling like we need to be available for other people socially for a few weeks while we soak up time as a couple is really telling.

The OP is so focused on each other, she failed to notice that her other half hated being there and had no idea he was bored. Instead of him being able to tell her how he felt in this shared feelings utopia he didn't think he could tell her how he was bored.

It's total bollocks to say she was remotely interested in her partner's feelings. She had decided that's what they were doing and that's what was best and romanced it as 'special time together'. Rather than admitting it's her dictating what they should be doing and actually having an equal relationship at a key time. It's really unhealthy and actually rather than being angry and annoyed at him, she needs to take a long hard look in the mirror here.

This was all about her and he has been passive rather than complaining. That's not healthy when about to have a baby cos it's liable to all come out in the wash in a couple of weeks of sleep deprivation.

What is clear from him messaging others, is that he needs support from others rather than being forceably isolated. He isn't going to be able to best support the OP on the big day if he doesn't feel supported too. The idea that a couple should only have each other for support for birth is naive. As soon as the woman is in labour, she's sure as shit not giving the man support! So where does he find that support?

The OP has created a situation which is super controlling, blinkered and self centered.

I can't help but think there's a back story of insecurity or a possible history of cheating somewhere in this mix too. I get the sense the OP doesn't trust her other half and is suspicious of his relationship with colleague.

Either way, this romanced idea of a perfect bubble has just popped because it's utter bullshit to try and gloss over clear flaws in the relationship and problems with communication in the relationship

Because I suspect that her husband would very much love to see friends but the OP wants to cut him off and have him all to herself.

How is it selfish though? She proposes a plan for the last couple of weeks of her pregnancy. He agrees to the plan. Whatever his motivation for agreeing she presumably didn't have a gun to his head?

The way people are talking about the op on here it's as if she's forced him to do something awful for 2 weeks, she's just asked him to spend a couple of weeks somewhere quiet. The horror!!

I would also suggest that the person who is doing all the hard work of actually birthing a baby might actually have the right to suggest where they want to do that? If the worst thing this poor man has to endure in the last week's of her pregnancy is a bit of boredom, then I'd suggest he's probably doing ok...

He’s doing what you want and being amenable. Not fair police his private thoughts as well!

You have what you want be happy about it. anything more is extremely ungracious and petulant.

@Fruitlips @RedToothBrush @PumpkinsAndCoconuts and @Summerbay23 have all explained it perfectly. When he complained he complained to someone else so he wouldn't upset the OP and she shouldn't have been looking at his private messages.

I remember the loveliness of bringing my new baby home and settling in as a little family of three and hiding ourselves away……somehow the house just felt so different when there were 3 of us in it and not two, it felt strangely more special and new. I loved seeing my newborns crib in the living room, and nappies and baby-gros lying around etc etc, it really felt like we had started the next chapter of our life and home was now a new one. I genuinely can’t imagine wanting to experience all those new feelings in someone else’s house instead of my own.

Giving birth to your baby in your own home, or bringing them back to your own home from the hospital is such an amazing feeling….. I just can’t get my head around why you’d want to sacrifice that and have your baby’s first experience of being in a home, and it’s first few days/weeks of being in the outside world, as not being in their own home. It’s strange.

It’s lovely that your DH is doing this for you, he clearly loves you and wants to support you, but I imagine he’s quite disappointed that the baby’s first home isn’t going to be the home you share together, and he’s allowed to complain to people that he’s bored too.