DP not enjoying our “Special time” before the baby arrives.

[LaniJen]

Me and DP agreed in the early weeks of my pregnancy that we’d spend from 39 weeks onwards at my parents’ home, a little way out of the city, so I could relax before the baby arrived. Everything is sorted for a home birth there. I was really looking forward to this – time to just slow down, cook together, chat, and just enjoy being the two of us before everything changes.
DP can run his business remotely so it wasn’t an issue. I honestly thought we were having a lovely time.
But earlier, while trying to connect his phone to Bluetooth, I saw messages between him and a female family member (and her DH – they both work for his business). He was moaning about how bored he is here.
I feel a bit crushed. I thought this was a special time for us, but clearly he’s not feeling the same.
AIBU to be upset that he isn’t enjoying this “just us” time before the baby? Or do I need to accept that he might just find it boring, even if I don’t?

You seem to have built up some fantasy of what this time 'should' be like. I hope you haven't got a similarly idealised view of what birth and/or motherhood will be like.

And if she hadn't snooped through his phone she may not have found out how bored he is. Lesson there for everyone, never snoop, you may see something you don't like.

fair point

That is the MN way though, isn't it It's the same where she can hate her in-laws but God help him if he criticises his in-laws. Hypocrisy keeps MN ticking.

This sounds like a plan entirely concocted by you, to satisfy what you want. Did he want to do it or just agree to keep you happy? Assuming he is still working, trying to keep a routine going, yet in someone else's house? Crazy.

I wouldn’t like my “special time” if I wasn’t at my own home surrounded by my own things whether or not my in-laws were there or not. He maybe doesn’t want this special time to be just the 2 of you 24/7. He probably wants to enjoy seeing his friends for what he may feel is the last time for a while. No wonder he’s not enjoying it.

Beats me. I don't really understand it.

Yeah I think taking someone away from everyone they know and everything they enjoy except for just you, and expecting them to enjoy it, is a bit much.

I think it’s understandable that he’s bored.

I thought special time was going to be about a way to get the labour going.

I think maybe too much expectation has been put on ‘special time’. Enforced special time is like enforced fun…….not really likely to be successful. I would also really not like being away from my home for special time. It wouldn’t be relaxing to me. I think I’d also be quite surprised and hurt if my husband didn’t think the home we shared was ‘home’ and the best place to relax quietly together.

It’s not really special time or a bubble if he’s still working is it. He’s just having to manage it somewhere else.

Actually she said that she doesn't feel like her home is good enough for a home birth! She particularly wants a home birth in a home in the countryside

I'd be bored to tears in someone else's house.

It sounds like it's right up your street, but he's only going along with it because it is what you wanted. Fair play though, he's obviously doing a good job of hiding it and attempting to make you feel like it is special, it's only the messages you've seen that give away how he really feels.

Would you rather he tell you the truth and then ruin the last bit of freedom you both have?

Sometimes I have a vision in my head of how something will be and...it isn't. Examples from my own life:

1. Nearly every new year's eve has been amazing in my head and disappointing irl.
2. I imagined I'd feel swept away by romance and love when a man got down on one knee to propose. Actually, I hated it and wanted him to stand up again immediately!
3. My own hen do. I thought it'd be really fun but I was self-conscious and it felt a bit cringe.

In my experience the higher my expectations are, and the more Forced Fun something is, the more disappointed I've been in reality.

It's sweet that your DH has gone along with what you wanted, but maybe going with the flow a bit more might be better?

you sound a bit like the baby equivalent of a bridezilla.

it’s a bit twee for my liking and also your partners by the sounds of things

Actually the most special time is when your child arrives and you’re suddenly a little family and you fall in love with another little person and the whole adventure of getting to know them. “Cooking and chatting together” will seem completely banal in comparison.

This house is like our own little bubble where can focus on each other without feeling like we need to be available for other people socially for a few weeks while we soak up time as a couple

I'm sorry, but this sounds so boring. I'm not surprised your husband isn't enjoying it. You can shut people out of your life in your own home.

If anything, I expect your husband would want to spend time socially with other people before the baby arrives.

If I was to have a week's emotionally intimate time, relaxing and waiting for a baby, the last place I'd want to do it is in someone else's house, even if they're not there.

In my own house, I'm comfortable and relaxed. I know where everything is and I can occupy myself easily, by just reaching for one of my books, or doing a little task, or cooking from my own freezer/fridge/cupboards with my own stuff. Or just sitting on the sofa that I know, and making coffee with MY coffee in MY mug.

It's way harder to pass time in someone else's house. I loved my in-laws, but there's no way in the world that I'd want to spend a week in their house on our own, and doing so at that point in our lives would be something I'd never even have contemplated.

He agreed to it to make you happy, but it was a really weird thing to ask of him. You're likely to look back on this one day and wonder 'what was I thinking?'. But it's late pregnancy brain I suppose.

Exactly. You can’t really potter about and do your hobbies and so on when you are staying away from home. I’d find it really suffocating.

Congratulations!

You’ve got those intense nesting feelings but he hasn’t so yes, I guess he will be bored. He won’t be bored soon though! I understand why some time in the countryside would have felt like a good idea though. Enjoy the birth. Ina May Gaskin’s ‘Guide to Childbirth’ is wonderful if you need some reading material.

Nonsense. The only women approved for home births are low risk which dramatically skews the data. Again myself and several friends were ‘low risk’ but us or our babies would have died or ended up in serious danger had we not had medical teams arrive in seconds from the emergency button being pressed. Home births aren’t safe for first time pregnancies. Especially in rural areas. Minutes count when you’re bleeding out or your baby is going without oxygen.

The problem is you won’t know how your birth is going to go until you’re in it. My baby got struck and would have died if I’d attempted a home birth and I hemmarhaged and would possibly have died also.

My second planned induction hospital birth was way less stressful despite being preterm because I knew the doctors were right there as needed. It’s just not a gamble I’d ever be willing to make on my child’s life, just to avoid a night or two in a hospital.

How rude to comment on a woman's birth plan when they never asked.

Find this totally bizarre coming from someone who has had multiple home births for the first to the last twins. Why can't you live life as normal until the labour, we did hubby came home when I rang to tell him to, can't imagine why you would go to your parents house I find that very weird and uncomfortable for your other half. Had ours in 3 different houses and wouldn't change a thing able to carry on with all I wanted till the birth then carry on after. Yes hubby had time off after each was born but other than that wouldn't want him to change his routine before that

I bet he is anxious too, making him feel more agitated, it's an exciting time, a lot of men don't know what to be doing in the last weeks, my DH was a nervous wreck.
Good luck with the birth plan.
Congratulations 🎊