DP not enjoying our “Special time” before the baby arrives.

[LaniJen]

Me and DP agreed in the early weeks of my pregnancy that we’d spend from 39 weeks onwards at my parents’ home, a little way out of the city, so I could relax before the baby arrived. Everything is sorted for a home birth there. I was really looking forward to this – time to just slow down, cook together, chat, and just enjoy being the two of us before everything changes.
DP can run his business remotely so it wasn’t an issue. I honestly thought we were having a lovely time.
But earlier, while trying to connect his phone to Bluetooth, I saw messages between him and a female family member (and her DH – they both work for his business). He was moaning about how bored he is here.
I feel a bit crushed. I thought this was a special time for us, but clearly he’s not feeling the same.
AIBU to be upset that he isn’t enjoying this “just us” time before the baby? Or do I need to accept that he might just find it boring, even if I don’t?

Isn't the point of AIBU to say yes or no. So yes maybe this is based on my thoughts, but there isn't anything from her to go on. She hasn't really explained why she felt taking her DP to her parents would be special. As noted in the first post she put 'I was really looking forward to this – time to just slow down, cook together, chat, and just enjoy being the two of us before everything changes.'
I am not the only one who has asked why this couldn't be done in their own home and why this has to be at the parents.
Maybe her DP would be enjoying themselves more if they were in their own home..maybe they don't like rummaging around the in laws cupboards, maybe worry they will break an expensive dish.
Others have queried the home birth and distance from hospital. Plans for after the baby has been born. Will the set up be staying at the parents and when is the plan to return home.

Whether it's statistically safer or not is not the point. The point is people picking hospital over home don't have an implicit comment on their homes. People picking others' homes over their own do.

@Bulbsbulbsbulbs is not nasty. It's not nasty to say something to a woman just because she is heavily pregnant. Especially not when she asks on Mumsnet!

You know who didn't say anything, by the way, to complain? The husband. It's her somehow going through his phone AND not having the emotional maturity to realize non-heavily-pregnant people are likely to get bored in their non-parental homes that got her into this tangle to begin with.

I’d feel trapped

Its just unusual to have a home birth in someone else’s home though.

She asked is her dh unreasonable
for sharing he’s bored with his friends.That is her aibu.

Not am I being unreasonable for going to my mums where I’m comfortable and enjoying the last week of being pregnant. Oh and I want a home birth.

Who would deny her that? (Apart from a few on here!)? Why would you deny her that unless you considered her needs less than her poor dh, who has not been pregnant, nor had loads of crap going on with his body and has not had to change his lifestyle at all for the past 9 months.

But that week has seriously upset the women of mumsnet! Bless him!!

It all sounds a bit forced. You’re in someone else’s home so he’s probably less comfortable than he would be in your own place, and it’s not like you can really do much other than mooch around. You’re heavily pregnant, you can’t drink, and you’re not on holiday so you’re not exploring new places. I can see why he might be bored. All he’s got to do is silently stress and feel apprehensive about becoming a dad - if he was at work, it would take his mind off what to him probably feels like a slightly tense waiting game. He’s not the pregnant one. He has no hormonal instinct to nest - especially in someone else’s house. I wouldn’t want to await one of the biggest events of my entire life twiddling my thumbs in my in-law’s house either.

The whole set up is a bit weird and tbh I think I'd be bored too.

I am not completely married to a home birth. If at any point a medical professional recommends I have the baby in the hospital then that’s what I will do.
This house is like our own little bubble where can focus on each other without feeling like we need to be available for other people socially for a few weeks while we soak up time as a couple. We aren’t in the middle of nowhere and if we wanted to go to the cinema or out for dinner then we can drive there.

Is it your home or your parents...if your parents yabu. Would you relax at your inlaws house. Tbh I can't understand why you not in your own home as a couple...

I think it sounds like you're focussing, he's bored witless. He's gone along with this idea but it's only to make you happy, good on him. I'd go home tho.

It does sound quite boring, OP. "Soaking up time" sounds fine for a weekend, but for weeks in someone else's home doesn't sound like a good time.

Why can’t you focus on each other at your own home? You can just say no to social events.

If I were you or your partner I'd want to be in my own home for this 'special time'. TBH, I didn't find the part just before I gave birth particularly special. I was the size of a house, couldn't put my own socks on and would 100% rather have been in my own house and bed. Also, unless your parents live close to you, you've presumably cut your partner off from all his normal social networks which seems a bit unfair. I get why you would rather be at home than going out and doing things but I can't see why he can't. As long as he doesn't get drunk in case he needs to drive to the hospital, obviously.

This, for sure!!!!

this is one of these posts you will look back on when a toddler is throwing food at you and you have a newborn screaming and wonder why you wasted all this time at this point.

It sounds like that is YOUR fantasy OP and he's indulged your romantic notion of what the last weeks should be. It's ok for him to not feel the same, especially when he hasn't actually said he doesn't.
Is he allowed to leave and go and see friends if he wants a break? Or to the cinema or dinner with friends or is this a 24/7 set up where that is not an option? Moving in to someone elses home, to live in a 'bubble' sounds suffocating and forced to me so a moment of feeling bored seems quite mild and reasonable.
TBF, he's participating in your little indulgent fantasy because YOU are the one who is pregnant and he, I assume, loves you. He spared you his feelings of boredom. Is he otherwise living up to your expectation of what this time should be? If so, I can't see why this is such an issue. He has supported what you want
There is also the fact that you don't need to go into messages to connect the bluetooth so I'm wondering if checking his messages is normal behaviour and the uprooting to a different, unfamiliar 'home' is a little more than just your idea of 'soaking up time' as a couple?

I’m sorry OP but this is so weird. The time for a bubble is when you have had your baby and need to rest, recover, and establish feeding.

Go home. Why don’t you want your husband to socialise?

but he’s working isn’t he? So it’s just evening that isn’t scheduled time and evenings with his wife after a few days is boring him?

I was so huge in the last few weeks by 34 weeks I left work on mat leave. I had DC at 38 weeks and by this stage I was all tummy. No cooking for me walking was an effort. I was keen to hurry it all up and onto the next phase.

I would use this last few days to slow down and nap as much as possible.

You have over romanced the whole thing, are probably boring him to tears with the romance of it all and all he wants to do is veg out at home which he can't do because it's not home.

You've probably prattled on about how perfect everything should be, how this is more suitable and how you are going to do this and that.

And he just wants to get the fuck on with it and have the baby rather than this limbo land of waiting endlessly for the baby which those final weeks are.

You can't do much else at that point. It's frustrating. You can't plan anything. It IS just dull as fuck.

Wait til the baby arrives. You won't want to be in someone else's house, worried about carpets and sofas and messing them up. You will crave home. All this idea of things being perfect will go out the window pretty quick.

The fact you have gone to your parents cos it's apparently more suitable, isn't exactly a statement that he's provided enough for your impending family and it's probably a statement that you intend to be around there every five mins rather than at home.

You should be at home. That's part of the problem. Your idea of home, isn't where you live with your partner. It's gonna come back and bite you on the arse very soon.

I agree it's unusual to want to be away from home at this time especially since your parents aren't even there. Surely home is your happy place, where you are most comfortable and everything is ready for the baby? What is it you are not getting from your own home? Won't you want to go home immediately after the baby is born? I'm sorry, it is hard to understand and I get why your DP is not enjoying it.

Why can she only 'be comfortable' in her parents' house and not their own? Why are the last couple of weeks considered 'special time' more than the rest of the weeks?

I agree this is very weird, over romanticism of a time that is just…waiting? It is also a bit controlling because you don’t seem to want him around anyone else during this time, it just has to be you?

I think you are in for a big shock when baby arrives. I would just go home if I were you.

Wishing you the best with your birth OP.

YANBU for feeling upset that you have discovered your DH is bored and hasn’t felt able to speak to you about this, and has messages others to discuss his feelings but your DH is also entitled to feel how he feels.

In our marriage, we turn to each other first.

I hope you enjoy the remaining weeks of your pregnancy - so close now, good luck 😊

Ths x 100000

Wow this is weird. You’re about to become parents and you don’t want to be at home?!
It’s fantasy land for me. My husband was off shore long before the days of mobiles and paternity leave. We didn’t really have a plan… just got on with life and winged it