to think that after 20-odd years, my SIL could remember my birthday?

[MaskAndMartini]

I am generally not an 'all about me' person, but it was my birthday recently and I felt a bit ignored by my SIL1. I suspect she doesn't like me. For instance, a few years after our DS was born, the other SIL2 (golden child) had a baby. SIL2 posted on Facebook, "I'm an auntie!". Well, technically, she was already an auntie. To our DS.

Anyway, I don't usually make a big fuss about my birthday, but it is nice if people remember me and send a text at least. I always remember everyone else's birthdays. But from SIL1 - nothing. I'm a bit hurt, actually.

DH is helping her quite a bit at the moment, with moving and stuff. Not relevant I guess, but we are in contact.

AIBU?

Your ILs shouldn’t have to organise any birthday dinners etc for you. If you want to have a meal or whatever with them, your DH should organise it. Regarding you sorting your ILs birthday gifts, paying for meals, that is down to your DH again. Take a step back, disengage, let your DH sort. If you get asked by your MIL what shall you do for FIL/SIL birthday, direct her to your DH.

Then stop

Just drop all birthdays from your To Do lists

If your DH is interested enough, and his lack of activity forbypur birthday suggests he isn't, he will picknu9 the baton

You maybfind put that invisible actually you who starts all birthday activity in the first place!

You need to take a step back. You husband is the one who should be planning your birthday, not your in laws.
Your SIL are your MIL daughters. And you are not, no matter than you live in their country and have been with your partner for 100 years.
But if YOU are the one organising all the meals and presents for them, then you need to stop. Let hubby do it.

So when you said you'd taken the comments on board, you really haven't.

People have explained time and time again, it's your DH's place to organise something for you.

SIL may have known you did it, but as a favour to her brother.

If you weren't in the picture, their relationship would continue as is, if DH wasn't in the picture, your relationship with them would shift, therefore, what comes from your side is read as coming from him.

Don't take it personally OP, let DH lead for their stuff and he should do yours too.

My DMIL used to thank just DH for her gifts, made me realise I didn't need to tie myself up choosing, wrapping etc.
He now does it all and I'll help if asked, and their relationship is still the same and so is mine with her.
Present or no present, she views me as an extension of DH, not a daughter. So less work for me.

As PP said, you're upset with the wrong person.

OP, you still haven't answered the many questions on why your DH doesn't sort your birthday meals out.

So just match her level of effort @MaskAndMartini - if mil says “shall we do X for SIL/FIL/my birthday ?” Just reply “oh I thought we weren’t celebrating family birthdays any more seeing no one did anything for mine?”

I also hope DH spoils you on your birthday even if in laws don’t because if not - you have a DH problem!

In all your other posts you say we did this, we did that, we took them out, we arranged this or that.

But actually it is YOU doing it.

Your in-laws may know that it is you doing it all, but the social convention is that they act as if all this is coming from your DH.
You see you and DH as a single unit, "we", but they see you as separate people. DH is part of their nuclear family whereas you are an 'in-law', i.e. extended family but not nuclear family.

Stop doing it all. Let your DH sort out birthdays for his family. Let the fallout happen and don't be guilted into taking any blame when he forgets.

DH should be the one to sort out your birthday, but if he is useless you will have to do it yourself.

YANBU to expect them to wish you happy birthday if you wish them one. YABU to expect them to plan your birthday meal/ event, your DH should be planning this if it’s something you would like not your in laws.

I'd say it's your husband's responsibility to organise/make an effort for your birthday. Not your in-laws.

So 99 posts in and you still haven’t answered the question

what does your husband say about it?

We gets it and thinks they don't like us! Not even him, lol.

But why do it? I’m genuinely fond of my PILs and my SILs, but I have no idea when any of their birthdays are. They’re DH’s family. Presents, parties, dinners out are his decision to remember, organise, post etc. I do it for mine.

Still skirting around why DH doesn't organise the meals out for you.

Why expect more form your in-laws than your own DH?

I actually think it's madly unreasonable to expect your MIL to organise something for your birthday. That's your / your husband's responsibility. Meanwhile, if you take on your husband's family responsibilities re gifting and organising, that's on you. You're acting on his behalf. Your in-laws aren't going to act on your husband's behalf in regards to your birthday.

So why isn't your DH organising your birthday instead of you both expecting his mother to do it all?

Where do I say I’m expecting MIL to do it all? I don’t!

Pretty much all your posts are about how annoyed you are that MIL has never done anything for your birthday despite how much effort you put in.

She's not your mum - your birthday is nothing to do with her.

Again, as people have asked, why isn't your DH sorting out your birthday?

Well, you alternate between blaming your SIL and your MIL. What everyone is asking is why your DH doesn’t organise birthday meals out with the family, for your birthdays, if that’s what you want, or prompt his family to send you birthdays texts, or cards, if that’s is what you want?

Strange how OP won't answer.
Literally dancing around the question.

Wouldn't hold your breath 😅.

Yeah, I'm not holding out hope of ever getting a response

DH does sort out gifts and birthday meal for me, but it’s only usually me, him and our 2 DC. No interest from ILs.

I’d never expect my SIL to remember my birthday. And if she does, great. TBH as long as my DH & DC remember I’m not bothered about anyone else.

It’s like getting blood from a stone.

OP, why not ask him to invite your ILs to a birthday meal for you, if you want it so badly?

I think I’ll leave it now. The poll results state I’m being unreasonable expecting DH’s family to include me in things and remember my birthday.

That’s OK.