to think that after 20-odd years, my SIL could remember my birthday?

[MaskAndMartini]

I am generally not an 'all about me' person, but it was my birthday recently and I felt a bit ignored by my SIL1. I suspect she doesn't like me. For instance, a few years after our DS was born, the other SIL2 (golden child) had a baby. SIL2 posted on Facebook, "I'm an auntie!". Well, technically, she was already an auntie. To our DS.

Anyway, I don't usually make a big fuss about my birthday, but it is nice if people remember me and send a text at least. I always remember everyone else's birthdays. But from SIL1 - nothing. I'm a bit hurt, actually.

DH is helping her quite a bit at the moment, with moving and stuff. Not relevant I guess, but we are in contact.

AIBU?

OP, I’m sorry but I think your expectations are very unrealistic. It wouldn’t cross my mind to arrange anything for my children’s spouses’ birthdays - it’s up to your DH to arrange something for you, not your MIL. This year, my DS and DDIL both had a “big” birthday, and they arranged something for each other, and also arranged a family barbecue in the summer. This, to me, is a normal way of going on. Your SIL might not send you a birthday card - I don’t think, during the course of my married life, I’ve had many cards from siblings in law. The person you should be speaking to is your DH - it’s on HIM to arrange something for your birthday, not your PILs. Frankly, it would be churlish if you not to go to their birthday celebrations. People vary tremendously over birthday expectations, but it really isn’t your MIL’s responsibility in any way, shape, manner or form to ensure that you have a birthday celebration - that’s up to your DH, and indeed, you. You should be speaking to him.

I have 2 SILs and I don’t know what their birthdays are at all. Pretty sure neither of them know my birthday either. I don’t mind and neither do they. It doesn’t have to be a big deal if it’s mutual. I’d start forgetting everyone else’s birthdays pronto!

I don’t think yabu.

A text is bare minimum, especially after 20 years. Match energy, don’t do anything for her anymore. If she can’t be bothered to do even a text message and knows you do the gift buying and what not, then why continue to show acknowledgement of her birthday, especially if she gets arsey about her own birthday not being celebrated.

If she has a go at you when her birthday comes up, ask her why she thinks she more important than you since she has yet to acknowledge yours in the past xyz years.

I know my SILs (DH’s sister and his brother’s wife) birthdays and I do get MIL and FIL’s mixed up because theirs are only a few days apart. I know BILs as well, all learned by listening, setting reminders, and Facebook posts.

They also remember mine and send cards down when the in-laws visit or text message.

We are five hours away on a good day from my in-laws and my family is 4,000 miles away.

I’ve never sent my SIL a card or present. My husband (her brother) gets one and signs from all of us. I thought that was normal?

Do you actually want to spend your birthday with her? It doesn’t sound like you like her very much. I love my in-laws, but it wouldn’t even cross my mind to spend my birthday with them! I think it would be very forward of them to arrange a dinner for your birthday personally. Surely it’s for the birthday person to decide and arrange what and who they want for their birthday?

I have no clue when my SIL’s birthday is and have never once sent her a birthday message. She doesn’t know mine either and we get on fine! I have no clue of any of the birthdays of my entire family, sisters, nephews/nieces erc or my partner’s family. Some of us are rubbish at dates.

They are not the people to seek validation from. You’re handing over power to them in buckets. They won’t change so you have to care less.

We are expected to make a big effort for them. The first year DH and I were dating, we bought MIL a few really thoughtful presents. She rang in tears saying she didn't like them. It all feels so one-sided. We have been out for dinner loads of times for them, DH and our DC, but for me... never. And we've been together for over 20 years.

This sounds completely mad to me. You were dating. Fairly early days. Why were you buying the guy you were seeing’s mother any kind of joint present, far less several?

I don’t think you are being unreasonable - they are thoughtless not taking into account the effort you put in and your lack of nearby family however the only person you can change is you. I would warn DH in advance his family is now his job and when they ask this question the response would be ‘suggest you ask husband, he knows him better, it’s his dad’ and do zero organising, no effort, nothing. I’d turn up but that’s it. If DH doesn’t buy a present and card, they don’t get one. (Btw I might go for the passive aggressive response ’perhaps we should do the same as we did for my big birthday’, but I wouldn’t recommend it).
I also blame your husband most for not bothering but again you can only change yourself. In your position for my next birthday I would organise a solo flight back to family in home country or holiday with girlfriends and say you are doing it cause you are sick of having your birthday ignored. Do it every year. Make it something to look forward to.

Have you told your DH that you're pissed off about this?

He should be the one organising cards and gifts for his sister and parents. He should be the one organising a birthday meal for you if he knows you want one.

Have you told him that's what you want, over the last 20 years? What does he say?

So have a word with your DH for not organising it, not your in-laws.

You appear to be taking over your DH's responsibilities for his side of the family then being upset when he doesn't step up for you. This is on you for letting him be lax, and on him for being lax with respect to you.

You've contributed to your own upset.

Because it is one-sided.

Honestly, don’t put energy into people who wouldn’t do the same for you and has shown they won’t.

Do what you want for now on. Put in as much energy as they do for you. SIL can’t be bothered to send a text for your birthday while knowing you put time, thought, money for hers and MIL rudely told you and her son she didn’t like her gifts.

Your DH does it for now on. You don’t lift a finger. If they complain, ignore them like they have ignored your birthdays for the past 20 years.

I think it's easier when you realise that some people are just a bit odd. Years ago we made a family agreement not to do birthday presents or Christmas presents any more. All good

However - my SIL didn't get the memo, despite being reminded each year and gives presents ( tub of chocolates/Tesco card) to me and to my DD but never to my older DS who is there at the table and probably paid for SIL's family's lunch. No Christmas card for her either. My DB just doesn't care so won't sort it out. My DS is a bit wounded. It's all so batshit.

I wouldn’t expect my in-laws to organise anything for my birthday. If you wanted to do something with them for your birthday, you or DH really need to speak up. I get if feels like you put a lot of effort in for their birthdays, but they will see that being in behalf f their DB / DS. If you resent the effort of present shopping etc. hand it back to DH, they’re his immediate family.

But you are your husband's family, so why isn't he organising something for you?

Next time Mil says about another family members birthday leave it for your DH to arrange a gift.
Just reply to Mil please remind DH as it's his job for his family.

I wouldn't even be able to tell you the month of SIL/BIL's birthdays, let alone the date. I only remember if it pops up on Facebook, then I'll pop a post on there.

I certainly wouldn't expect my IL's to organise anything for my birthday - that would be bonkers to me. Why isn't your DH organising something?

As your PILs will never see you as part of their family, even though you are the one organising, buying and wrapping their thoughtful gifts, the only thing you can do is pull right back and leave all this to your DH. They are his parents and I assume that they buy him presents when it's his birthday. The obligation is on your DH, not on you.

I think they are being unfair and unkind, particularly as they must know that you don't have family in this country.

As OP is the one organising, buying and wrapping the gifts from her and her DH for his family, I assume that she can stop doing any of this immediately and leave it all up to her DH?

If it isn't MIL's responsibility in any way, shape or form to buy OP a gift, neither is it OP's responsibility in any way to buy gifts for any of her in-laws.

So next time MIL says, “it’s FIL’s birthday, what shall we do?” What do I say?

I'd say, 'you'd better speak to DH about it' and walk away.

If she asks your husband why you did that-hopefully he will know.

Does he know? All of your posts are about how mean they are, how much you do for their birthdays and how much you want them to organise your birthday dinners!

What does he know/think/understand/do about it all?

How about 'that's up to you, you're his wife'?

As OP is the one organising, buying and wrapping the gifts from her and her DH for his family, I assume that she can stop doing any of this immediately and leave it all up to her DH?

Of course she can - it's batshit that she's doing it all to begin with.

She should never have been doing it in the first place.

She doesn’t know you by choice and don’t like you, not shocked she didn’t bother, no idea why you think she should!

"I can't think of anything, it's been so long since I had a decent birthday celebration myself"

That said, why is is up to your MIL to organise your birthday celebrations? Why doesn't your husband do that?