to think that after 20-odd years, my SIL could remember my birthday?

[MaskAndMartini]

I am generally not an 'all about me' person, but it was my birthday recently and I felt a bit ignored by my SIL1. I suspect she doesn't like me. For instance, a few years after our DS was born, the other SIL2 (golden child) had a baby. SIL2 posted on Facebook, "I'm an auntie!". Well, technically, she was already an auntie. To our DS.

Anyway, I don't usually make a big fuss about my birthday, but it is nice if people remember me and send a text at least. I always remember everyone else's birthdays. But from SIL1 - nothing. I'm a bit hurt, actually.

DH is helping her quite a bit at the moment, with moving and stuff. Not relevant I guess, but we are in contact.

AIBU?

I wouodnt go. Let them realise what they’re doing to you.

I’m assuming your DH sides with them?

I find it bizarre that people can't take a minute out of their day to send a birthday text. Was my sils dhs birthday yesterday, one of the first things I did after I had my morning coffee was text him.

I also wouldn't expect my in-laws to arrange a birthday dinner for me, that's what dh is for.

I have won the prize of life as I have 2 amazing SILs, my brother’s wife and my late husband’s sister. But I can never for the life of me remember their birthdays 😕I do remember the month, but never the date, so it’s very hit and miss if they get a card or even a text. But we are generous with our support of each other, and we enjoy each other’s company and have been tremendous support to each other, especially as respective parents have aged.
A card doesn’t count for much if the rest is in place.

I don’t even know what month my SILs birthdays are. You need to get over yourself OP

Fair enough.

Make her amnesia contagious..
Step back and leave her to dh. If she gets nowt for Christmas not your fault.

What does your DH (Dud Husband) say about it

Hmm, I don’t know. What do your kids think he would like?

Will you expect your ds to remember his future partner's siblings birthday OP?

You have a DH, why isn't he organising your birthday meals out and inviting his family?

You're comparing completely different relationships.
A sister is blood, same as a mother/father, you're a SIL, no blood relation.

You're family, but in a different way.

Of course it’s hurtful op, I’d feel exactly the same.

I think it's been up to your husband to set the tone with his family when it comes to your birthday, if it was ever going to become a whole family affair. His family would then have the choice to take his lead or not, but I'm not sure if it's for them to lead on.

And the SIL comment about 'I'm an auntie' is I imagine more of a reflection of her relationship with her brother/your DH too, nothing to do with you or even your DC. I would imagine she feels closer to her sister than him?

I can get why you're a bit put out or hurt after making efforts for them after so long, and you may want to pull back in that respect.

I don't know when any of my ILs birthdays are. DH sends two or three cards a year I think. He probably sometimes forgets, I really don't know. Not my area of responsibility.

Some people attach importance to different things I guess.

It’s your dh that is the issue here. You obviously want to be a bigger part of the family but he is not helping that and he should be. If you want a family meal then he should be sending the “it’s @MaskAndMartini‘s birthday soon! What shall we do?” messages. Why isn’t he?

I don’t do anything with my side of the family for mine, but DHs do a family meetup for all theirs. It’s never been suggested we do one with them for mine - which is perfect for me, I really wouldn’t want that.

I’ve no idea when my SIL’s birthday is. I’m sure she doesn’t know mine either.

Life is too short to make mountains out of molehills. Only on MN do grown adults seem to make a big fuss about their birthday. I’ve never known anyone to care so much IRL!

Meh! I suppose it depends on the family. All my SILs are ace ( both my DBs wives and my DHs sisters) but I don't know any of their exact birthdays, just the month. but we're all pretty laid back. I don't get cards or presents on my birthday and don't expect them. DH will post on Facebook wishing me a happy birthday (which I think un-necessary but OK) and SILs will chime in but I actually don't care.

Don't know why I'm posting really.

thats not the same at all. MIL makes a huge effort to remind all members of the family when other members of the family’s birthdays are coming up. Then liaises with the other members of the family for the birthday dinners. Except for mine.

MIL is reminding everyone of the upcoming birthdays of her children or husband and arranging dinners for them, not an in-law. That's different. You are still part of the family but you are not actually family and it should be your husbands job to arrange your birthday dinner.

My in-laws and BILs never really bothered with my birthday - doesn't affect me at all. I celebrate with my own family and friends. You've already said you don't think your SIL likes you - is it really a surprise then that she doesn't bother about your birthday? Let your DH sort their birthday presents and card and don't worry about it!

Are both the SILs you mention her daughters or is one her DIL?
My mother wouldn't presume to organise a birthday dinner for her DIL

I agree that your husband should be reminding the family of your birthday and organising something for everyone on that day, if that's what you want. I understand why you're upset but I think you're annoyed with the wrong person.

So if I understand correctly, you are the only in-law in DH's family of origin comprised of MIL/FIL/SIL1/SIL2/DH?

I agree it is odd and hurtful that they don't celebrate you in line and on equal par with the rest of the family, especially since your own family is far away. Is the problem that they are all a bit enmeshed and didn't know how to properly assimilate anyone else? Perhaps different cultural expectations are a factor also?

Provided that your DH celebrates you properly, you might just have to accept that your inlaws are a bit weird and try not to let it bother you.

My MIL organises her DH and her grown children birthdays (well, the family dinner or whatever to celebrate) but not mine or her two son in law's.
They are her husband and her children, I'm not.
I think you are feeling the gap because your family is not there with you, but your DH or you would usually sort something for your birthday, not your DH family.
If you invited them to something for your birthday and they refused to come, then there is an issue.

Yeah, I’ve woken up and I’m still annoyed by it. For SIL’s last birthday, we took her and PIL out for dinner, bought her a thoughtful present, which she loved. But my birthday… not even a text 🤷‍♀️

But from her POV, her .brother is taking her out for dinner!

OK, fair enough. But I organised and paid for it, bought and wrapped the present, etc. She knew all this.

It’s pretty normal not to have in-laws worry about your birthday. Unless there is a dramatic back story about your whole family being wiped out, why would they feel any responsibility?

i don’t know when my husband’s families birthdays are. I’ve gone to dinners and parties for them when invited and that’s lovely.

And they’ve been invite to things for me, that have been organised by me, or my husband, or my family.

just organise a dinner for your birthday and invite them.