to think that after 20-odd years, my SIL could remember my birthday?

[MaskAndMartini]

I am generally not an 'all about me' person, but it was my birthday recently and I felt a bit ignored by my SIL1. I suspect she doesn't like me. For instance, a few years after our DS was born, the other SIL2 (golden child) had a baby. SIL2 posted on Facebook, "I'm an auntie!". Well, technically, she was already an auntie. To our DS.

Anyway, I don't usually make a big fuss about my birthday, but it is nice if people remember me and send a text at least. I always remember everyone else's birthdays. But from SIL1 - nothing. I'm a bit hurt, actually.

DH is helping her quite a bit at the moment, with moving and stuff. Not relevant I guess, but we are in contact.

AIBU?

You’re making the choice to do the birthday thing because that’s what you like. I suspect they’re not as bothered as you. My in-laws and I will post a HB on FB if it comes up but otherwise we don’t bother with cards or presents unless it’s a big birthday.

So next time MIL says, “it’s FIL’s birthday, what shall we do?” What do I say?

Then you need to get harsh, say why are you well by me, know one bothers with my birthday

Or a bit polite you could say you'll put in as much effort as you receive

'Whatever you fancy doing'.

And then do I go? Or do I boycott it because no one bothers with me?

I’d shunt the responsibility for remembering birthdays on his side to DH and then forget about it. Clearly they think that birthdays are about blood family so don’t bother with yours. Do you not have your own family to celebrate with?

It's your DH's father, totally different to a SIL.

What do you want to do?

why are you even involved in those conversations? Himself and his siblings have those convos and then he says “mum’s 80th, we are doing blah blah on this date does that work for you?”

and I say yes or no. And if I can I go but no big issue if I say oh sorry I can’t make that time because it’s <grandsons> party is it ok if I get there about 8? (Which actually happened)

Go if you fancy a nice meal out, don't go if you don't fancy a nice meal out!
Does MIL possibly think that your own mum/dad/siblings, if you have them, should be making the effort for your birthday, as opposed to your inlaws?

If she messages you direct I’d say speak to DH if on a group chat I’d just politely ignore and if asked directly just say DH can choose. I would go with him though as his plus one.

You don't need to say anything, your husband can contribute his ideas. His relatives, his responsibility.

Been married over 20 years and I don't even know what season my husbands relatives birthdays are in, or who they text. It's fine.

My family are in a different country. I live in DH’s home country.

Are any of your husband’s siblings married?

I know the month of my BiL's birthday. That's all. We get on fine, it's just not really on my list of things I think about.

That might have been helpful info to include, or did I miss it?
(I admit to being half asleep 🫣)
Edit - are you lonely in general OP? Miss your family/family routines?

I'll be 68 on Thursday. If my brother remembers it'd probably give me a heart attack. He struggles recalling the date of Christmas

I think your expectations are off.

I have occasionally sent my bil/sil a birthday card but don’t think they have ever sent me one (sister/brother send me a card).

DH would organise any birthday meal for his mum (I would help, but it would be his thing).

it would be different if they did these things for other in-laws and not you but that isn’t the case.

I don't think my SIL, BIL or I have ever acknowledged each other's birthdays and we have been married for 33 years. We're all in the month of August, but that's all I can remember really. Well, apart from my own birthday of course. 🤣🤣

My sister and I do acknowledge ours but don't go overboard about it.

If it doesn't come up on Facebook I wouldn't know when my SILs' birthdays are. DP remembers if a family member mentions them.

In most families a SIL will never come close to a biological sister. My husbands siblings don't compare to my own siblings and cousins. We get on well, it just isn't the same kind of bond. I don't even know if my DH wishes my siblings a happy birthday. I don't know the dates of my BILs birthdays, if it's brought to my attention I'd wish them a happy birthday but there are many years I haven't. I've never even considered arranging a birthday meal for them, nor would I expect them to do it for me. I think you need to lower your expectations.

I think they view the relationship differently to you.

You’re not “blood”. My dad is a bit like this (unreasonable in my opinion).

Mate if you're far from home it's your husband's job to organise your birthday dinners. It's an unreasonable expectation for in laws to do this.

OK, I have taken your comments on board. I’m not family, I just need to accept that.

You are family, just perhaps expecting a bit much - DH should be arranging something for you, or even you could suggest it and invite them.

Have you spoken to your DH about it? I'd stop attending their celebrations and I wouldn't bother sending them cards or presents either.