Different Dads Different Prospects

[DelaneyDonkey]

I have no idea what I even want out of this thread.

When I first met my in-laws not only was I pregnant with their grandson even though I had only known their son for a few months I also had a three year old in tow whose dad was completely uninterested. I was quite a catch as you can imagine.

I thought everything worked out reasonably well. We got married and settled down. Broadly speaking they treated both boys well and my eldest had come into the family at an age where he knew they weren’t his grandparents so subtle differences in their treatment were accepted.

Now 17 years later things are beginning to change massively. Eldest dropped out of uni and in and out of work through no fault of his own, just the way it is with that kind of work. While youngest has had driving lessons given to him by in-laws, a second hand car, a course paid for, enabling him to get a part-time job. He has been told he will be supported at uni.

My in-laws are very ordinary people, who have worked all their lives but in the 1980s FiL had an industrial accident and built up a little property portfolio. Last week, completely casually younger son said that one of these houses la will be transferred to him when he is 18 of months. Apparently the two cousins have had houses given to them as well.

Elder son just became mute.

Husband and I are having to pare everything back at the minute but he won’t approach his dad to ask what is going on.

Youngest has his head screwed on but it is as if he has everything handed him on a plate.

Our mortgaged house is worth about £300,000 but husband will not hear of adjusting our wills.

If you had asked me 18 years ago if I expected in-laws to treat them the same I would have said no, it wasn’t their duty but I am just beside myself at the inequality, I didn’t expect it.

If you could, I’d gift eldest a house deposit, and explain why to the youngest.

Youngest may want a lodger to help with bills, this could be eldest so at least there’s some benefit to him.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Could they not have just 'adopted' him as a grandson if they got to know him age 3?!

Expecting them to give your eldest the same inheritance or even any at all is unreasonable. They can give their grandson what they like and if they choose to bypass their son/ your husband, that's their choice too.

They have tried to be polite and nice over the years, but it's a bit entitled to expect equality in this respect.

I'm sure they knew that if they have to your husband, he would do an equal split between the boys and they don't want their money going to your eldest. This is what a lot of grandparents do when they don't want any inheritance going to step grandchildren.

Your eldest knows they're not his grandparents and hopefully wasn't expecting anything from them.

It's also probably awkward for your DH to say anything about it to them. It may be better to speak to your youngest, asking him to be sensitive when he says these things in front of his brother....meaning it's best not to talk about his inheritance tbh.

They didn't choose him, like their son did.

They shouldn't have to "adopt him"

I mean logically there the ops dh should have actually adopted him.

Though it turns out he does actually have a relationship with his father it’s just they are not rich.

Op picked two men with families clearly in different tax brackets. She was just banking on her dh getting the lot not them seeing the writing on the walls and skipping the dh. It’s how rich families stay rich. Keep it in the blood.

She has been estranged from her biological father for almost 20 years because he is an utter bastard and by the age of 14 refused to ever see him again . She never even met any members of his family as he was estranged from them too and inherited nothing. He himself has nothing to inherit and even if he did would not leave her anything due to their estrangement.

As my current husband has reasonably small assets, any largish amounts of money he might ever have would have come from me after I die. I of course want my daughters treated equally. My DH regardless of this, is of the opinion that my older daughter is his daughter, the step part doesn't come into it. He has stated that even if he were wealthy himself both daughters would receive the same. He has been in my older DDs life since she was 2. Similarly my DHs sister who has no partner or children of her own has willed her estate to my DH and if he predeceases her to both my DDs even though only one of them is her actual neice .

In our family, family are the people you consider family not some narrow definition based on bloodlines. I am staggered that other families are drawing these lines in the sand when it comes to inheritance unless their families merge when the children are already grown up.

This is how my late MIL regarded my older DD who was not her biological grandchild but who came into her life when she was 2. She was a lovely woman who treated my 2 DDs exactly the same. My older DD's actual paternal grandmother on the other hand, couldn't even be bothered to ever meet her despite her being her only grandchild!

Blood ties can be seriously overrated.

What my DH and his family provided my older DD who was not related to them with was love. This is something my DD was never really shown by her father and she never even met any of his family.

Is it OK in your narrow world view for love and affection to be shown to non blood "family members"?

Just wanted to add to what everyone has said that you shouldn’t change your wills - that would be favouritism and not fair - but you should do what you can to support the eldest to get back on his feet at the moment.

So that’s supporting him to get back into work or study, letting him live with you to save for a deposit once he’s in work, and perhaps getting together some savings for him from your personal “spends” if you think the monetary disadvantage that needs addressing.

There’s not much you can do! And making sure the youngest knows he’s been lucky and to “wear it lightly” / not crow about it.

I do think there’s something in this!

I have a similar situation in that my youngest child's family are wealthy and so he will inherit a substantial amount. My older child wont so when it comes to our inheritance ie myself and non biological father of the eldest, we have agreed that the split will be 75% to eldest and 25% to youngest. My youngest, now 30 yrs old, is in full agreement with this and has even suggested that we leave 100% to our eldest. For me equality isn't about a 50 50 split but more about redressing an imbalance.

Can you 100% guarantee that your youngest will inherit what you currently think he will? Things change. People die and spouses remarry. People need care. People live long lives, especially the wealthy.

You keep mentioning all the things which your eldest doesn’t have or will miss out on from DH’s family, but what have you done to nurture relationships with DS paternal family? Does he see his GP/aunts/uncles/cousins? Just because his DF is a bit of a waster, doesn’t mean you couldn’t or can’t make sure he maintains and develops proper relationships with his blood relatives.

Your DH is nice to treat both children equally; what his DP do is entirely up to them.

I think YANBU at all .Sadly this seems unfair because it is! I would say that if you possibly can ,to get driving lessons for the older one.I think you would not be unreasonable to maybe leave him more in your will too.Although to speak to DH about it as well.

Op picked two men with families clearly in different tax brackets. She was just banking on her dh getting the lot not them seeing the writing on the walls and skipping the dh.

Yes, tbh it does look like ILs picked up on that and weren't happy about it.

Good point however, short of an unexpected death, the chances are that my inlaws will die before we do. That is food for thought though so I will look in to.putting some sort of clause in my will.

You can’t be serious. Who thinks like that?!

I do, as do most people. The better question would be 'who doesn't think like that'?

*Just adopted?
What if things didn't work out and OP's DH met and married someone else who also has kids, are they meant to adopt them too....

He has a biological father, OP should be on his case if she feels DS is disadvantaged, but not much hope as he's not even on the scene.

His own dad can't provide for him, but step grandparents are expected to?

I really don't understand why people try so hard to control what happens to their money after they die, to the extent that they will knowingly cause a rift between siblings forever.
Whoever they leave it to could share it with the disinherited, so called mirror wills can be changed at any time without informing anyone, widow(er)s can remarry, kids/grandkids can marry and divorce etc. Plus all the judgement heaped on people who have non nuclear families is awful. How would you want to be remembered really? A wealthy person who could help all their grandkids (long standing step kids included) but chooses not to, is being mean. The "blood" grandkids haven't earned it any more than the stepkids have.

In fairness, these ones seem to be giving a lot of it away while they're still alive. Personally I wouldn't be giving a financial gift that size to someone who's just blown out 18 candles on a cake, even if they did seem pretty sensible. But I suppose it's also a trade off, in that if you want to enjoy seeing loved ones benefit from your assets before you die, doing it sooner maximises that time. Tomorrow isn't promised.

Yes. I have two sons and if one of them acquired a young stepchild I can't imagine anything other than treating them as a grandchild, especially if they are growing up seeing my son as 'Dad'. You'd have to have a heart of stone not to surely?

This is very much standard in families with assets. Trusts are routinely utilized to prevent those assets leaving the family via remarriage, divorce, changing of wills*, or even sharing.

A wealthy person ‘could’ do differently, but that doesn’t mean they should have to, or have a duty to. It’s massively entitled to expect that. OP’s oldest is not their grandchild (and has never been treated as if he is) regardless of how long he’s been in their lives, and it truly is as simple as that. If the oldest son resents the youngest for benefiting from family they don’t share, that’s on him.

*Incidentally, mirror wills can be changed in secret, but mutual wills cannot.

I'd start investing a few hundred each month for your eldest son. A bit of compound interest would hopefully add up over the years, which would help even things out a little.

OP’s oldest is not their grandchild (and has never been treated as if he is) regardless of how long he’s been in their lives, and it truly is as simple as that. If the oldest son resents the youngest for benefiting from family they don’t share, that’s on him.

This.

Just because the OP's DH has taken on her elder son, doesn't mean his parents have to.

As I keep wondering, where are the elder son's maternal grandparents in all this? The OP seems overly invested in the prospect of money from her PiLs, frankly.