Different Dads Different Prospects

[DelaneyDonkey]

I have no idea what I even want out of this thread.

When I first met my in-laws not only was I pregnant with their grandson even though I had only known their son for a few months I also had a three year old in tow whose dad was completely uninterested. I was quite a catch as you can imagine.

I thought everything worked out reasonably well. We got married and settled down. Broadly speaking they treated both boys well and my eldest had come into the family at an age where he knew they weren’t his grandparents so subtle differences in their treatment were accepted.

Now 17 years later things are beginning to change massively. Eldest dropped out of uni and in and out of work through no fault of his own, just the way it is with that kind of work. While youngest has had driving lessons given to him by in-laws, a second hand car, a course paid for, enabling him to get a part-time job. He has been told he will be supported at uni.

My in-laws are very ordinary people, who have worked all their lives but in the 1980s FiL had an industrial accident and built up a little property portfolio. Last week, completely casually younger son said that one of these houses la will be transferred to him when he is 18 of months. Apparently the two cousins have had houses given to them as well.

Elder son just became mute.

Husband and I are having to pare everything back at the minute but he won’t approach his dad to ask what is going on.

Youngest has his head screwed on but it is as if he has everything handed him on a plate.

Our mortgaged house is worth about £300,000 but husband will not hear of adjusting our wills.

If you had asked me 18 years ago if I expected in-laws to treat them the same I would have said no, it wasn’t their duty but I am just beside myself at the inequality, I didn’t expect it.

You think the youngest will be all happy that his own dad doesn’t leave him anything about all goes to the child who is not his?

The boys have different dads and different families. You can’t change that. There will always be inequality.

The youngest is being treated by his grandparents. He doesn’t deserve to be cut out of his own dad’s will for it. The oldest just needs to realise he has a different family, and maybe actually make an effort and go back to uni.

Yep, the one way of avoiding problems is not haing kids with a second man.

It is unfortunate that this is the reality of blended families. Both of your kids need support
in different ways but please put it to your eldest to not let this make him bitter towards his GPs or brother.
I wouldn’t advise changing any will but have you considered putting something away weekly/monthly maybe making use of the credit union, for your eldest?

Making up for any disparity will be difficult especially if it’s a house to contend with, so don’t try.

Have a plan with your son about how you can further him, setting up a business for example. Something to help his career prospects and earning potential, thereby helping himself.

There are no mutual Wills where I live (Scotland) so I cannot comment on that

This is pretty normal in blended families. Your eldest could marry into wealth and end up wealthier than her little brother, would you then re-split their inheritance? I don’t think so.
you son is now 20 you just need to explain to him.

youre pained as the mum. But really, it makes a lot of sense

I'm assuming the GPs are also planning ahead for when DS2 wants to buy his own property and isn't a first time buyer?

And there's nothing stopping the Op doing that with her property, but she can't expect her DH to sign off his share to only her son too

Why won't your dh speak to his parents ? I think I'd find this the mistake upsetting as you'd expect his stepdad to stand up for him

@DelaneyDonkey I imagine missing a generation out was done to avoid their family money being divided up how you are saying you want it to be. It’s really up to the parents of your ex to do the same. Will boys not get any support from your parents for uni?

I don’t think your DH should leave more to a child who already has a father & leave less to his own child.

The only way you can redress the balance is to leave all your share to your eldest & to perhaps ask your parents to do the same.

Because it would be totally out of line for her husband to say to his parents why aren’t you giving this child that isn’t your blood relative money?

Errr well tbh.

1. Fund your elder sons driving lessons yourself invest in your son. Dont be stingy

1. Get him to look at attending a green skills course get his card so he can work as a labourer

1. Look at courses that can help him become a ground worker maybe there are free courses so he can be a plant worker. Honestly your not even trying to help him help himself here.

1. He earns and gets his own property as we all do in life. Hard work and ambition are things he needs to do. Not everyone gets something handed to them on a plate. Maybe encourage him to look at construction apprenticeships like groundwork etc

Can’t your parents even things out a bit? It’s not your in-laws fault that they are good grandparents? I’d say it’s for your sons fathers family and yours to ensure his needs are met. Giving children the same isn’t the same as giving adults deposits for flats, cars etc, it’s a bit childish of you not to recognise the difference.

You are absolutely being unreasonable. Why should your in-laws who have no blood connection to YOUR eldest son give THEIR money to him when his own blood family can't be bothered to do so? This is a lesson every person with a blended family needs to learn. Other people's children are not other people's responsibility

My DH also has a half-sister with a different dad. DH’s paternal grandmother always embraced her as another grandchild and, even though DH’s parents separated later in life, still sees DH’s sister regularly and helps out with her children (who call her great-grandma). I can’t really think of any families I know where the half-sibling has been considered ‘other’ or not ‘properly related’ by the new husband’s family.

I have a similar situation. Got with my now husband of 18 years when I had a 6 year old, no dad on the scene. Since then we have had a daughter between us who is 11.

The only difference is my inlaws have it in their wills that all grandchildren, including my eldest, gets an equal share upon their passing (assuming there is money / property left after any care bills which may arise).

So to me YANBU and I feel for you and your eldest.

Quite!
Bet OP wouldn't be asking Ex to put youngest in his will if Ex was wealthy or had wealthy parents.

What if something happens to OP & DH, everything goes to eldest, so DS2 gets punished for having the family he has.

It's entitlement OP, don't know how you can expect them to be equal.

I'm the first child of a relationship that went wrong in the 70s. One parent remarried and I have two half sibs. As I am older and have worked for my own financial success, it doesn't bother me much that I won't inherit anything at all from the more financially successful parent. I also varied my parent's will in favour of my child.

Friend's sister is on the way out of her third marriage, each time, taking half the assets, from men who have their own kids.
So essentially, those kid's are being left worse off, through no fault of their own.

I imagine grandparents have been around long enough to see similar and want to protect their money, which is entirely their choice.

So you think this couple should gift DS1 a house?

I don't know the answer for you, but we are in the process of gifting our only child a six figure sum. If we leave it in our estate, it will be taxed at 40%. Giving it away now means that it will probably be tax free, as one of us is likely to live another 20 years.

It has taken 40 years of work and planning to accumulate our pension plan fund, so please do not delude yourself that there have been big employer contributions. There has been no employer money, not even 1p. The only money that has gone in has been earned, tax paid, and saved. So I do have a bit of a beef with Rachel Thieves who would like to swoop in and change the rules.

Oh OP that’s sad. People here just respond blended families no right etc but reality is rarely that simple.

I wasn’t accepted by my step mum or her family. I saw my half siblings and even my ever so charming whole sibling benefit from their millions but I never got so much as a Christmas card. I very quickly learned not to let it get to me. I got myself through university without support. It meant I didn’t get to move to another city for uni or spend a year abroad like my siblings did but I did it all by myself without “nanna’s money”. It seems unfair (and it is) but teach your eldest to take pride in the things he gets for himself, even the smallest things because he has done it without someone else’s money. Ultimately if he wants to buy rental properties in adulthood he will work out a way. For what it’s worth being a landlord is an horrific nightmare I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Your eldest has had a lucky escape!

I have 2 rental properties and don't have any issues whatsoever as I vet any new tenant very thoroughly, so I would disagree with you on this. It's a great passive income.

the focus on money is the issue.
how about if they’d inherited different hereditary conditions. Would you expect dad or GPs of eldest to give his kidney to the second child, as an extreme example?
we all inherit characteristics / money / traits etc in different ways. Just because it’s money doesn’t mean it should be shared.