Different Dads Different Prospects

[DelaneyDonkey]

I have no idea what I even want out of this thread.

When I first met my in-laws not only was I pregnant with their grandson even though I had only known their son for a few months I also had a three year old in tow whose dad was completely uninterested. I was quite a catch as you can imagine.

I thought everything worked out reasonably well. We got married and settled down. Broadly speaking they treated both boys well and my eldest had come into the family at an age where he knew they weren’t his grandparents so subtle differences in their treatment were accepted.

Now 17 years later things are beginning to change massively. Eldest dropped out of uni and in and out of work through no fault of his own, just the way it is with that kind of work. While youngest has had driving lessons given to him by in-laws, a second hand car, a course paid for, enabling him to get a part-time job. He has been told he will be supported at uni.

My in-laws are very ordinary people, who have worked all their lives but in the 1980s FiL had an industrial accident and built up a little property portfolio. Last week, completely casually younger son said that one of these houses la will be transferred to him when he is 18 of months. Apparently the two cousins have had houses given to them as well.

Elder son just became mute.

Husband and I are having to pare everything back at the minute but he won’t approach his dad to ask what is going on.

Youngest has his head screwed on but it is as if he has everything handed him on a plate.

Our mortgaged house is worth about £300,000 but husband will not hear of adjusting our wills.

If you had asked me 18 years ago if I expected in-laws to treat them the same I would have said no, it wasn’t their duty but I am just beside myself at the inequality, I didn’t expect it.

I do see this as one of the big issues with blended families because as much as grandparents can treat the kids equally in terms of birthday presents and the like, they are never going to leave money to a child your DH hasn’t adopted and that isn’t his by birth.

I have a friend in this situation. Youngest will get substantial inheritance from grandparents & half of family home. She took out a life insurance policy which will go solely to her eldest as well as the other half of the family home. She has talked this through with them both & they understand why she has done it.
In your case, I would be altering my will to make it 60:40 towards your oldest.

It's up to you or his father to provide extras. I don't think you can expect it otherwise. That's the way it is.

Regardless of what your husband does, you can adjust your will. I’m sure your younger son wouldn’t want his older brother disadvantaged. I know I wouldn’t see my brother like that. I guess it depends how well they get on though.

But it might do your son (and most teenagers to be fair) good to know they have to provide for themselves.

Sounds like they are also trying to stop passing it down via your dh. As you’d clearly want to split it between both of your children as a family things were as they see it as going down the blood line.

If you do decide to give your first born more just because his family don’t have so much, you have to be prepared for that to also cause issues between the boys as adults once you’ve passed as many people tie up love with inheritance so would see you as loving the older more.

There is nothing you can or should do. You certainly shouldn’t change your will to give your younger son less from you, they are both your children. It makes sense that your in-laws will give to their biological GC. Unfortunately children deal with the consequences of their parents decisions. The best you can do now is support both of your children equally.

Yes my dds have experienced this with exh wifes no2 family and wife no 3 family and I’m sorry to say but with dh family too. It’s crap and if I’d known at the time I might have done things differently.

If this was me I would be saving a separate pot of money for my son. I usually think secrets are a bad idea in marriages but I would keep this to myself.

Just to say though whilst I feel you and your dh should leave your assets to both your dc your dh cannot stop you from changing your will. Who you leave your half of your house and savings to is up to you.

He isn’t their grandson and won’t ever be. It’s not reasonable to expect they give some of their inheritance to him nor is it fair on your youngest for you to change your will in favour of the eldest to even things out. That’s the reality with blended families. He is your son not their grandson

OP would need to be careful with this and get legal advice. If they own as joint tenants her half would automatically pass to DH if she died first. They would need to sever the joint tenancy and hold the property as tenants in common, then she could dictate who receives her share.

What do your and your DH’s will say? Your eldest isn’t your DH’s son (unless he’s been adopted?). Has he left anything at all to his stepson?

The only thing you can do is talk openly between all four of you about your feelings on this. They’re old enough to understand now. There’s nothing you can or should do to try to change your in laws’ or DH’s mind. But you can make sure this doesn’t divide the boys.

I get he’s not blood related but he’s been in their lives at least 16 years. They have seen him grow up. If he had been adopted by her dh would it be the same?

I think getting a life insurance that goes to your eldest is a good idea and letting both boys know.

My Step uncle (who's father died) was given a massive inheritance from his Grandparents and then later an Aunt. My dad was really upset with the aunt as he thought she really loved him.
When my grandad died (the stepfather to my uncle) he gave my dad exactly the same amount more than his stepbrother to match the Aunt. My uncle knew this was going to happen as they had spoken about it beforehand and was fine about it.

I think the most important thing to do at this point is to have very opened and honest conversations with your sons. And also let your elders know that he doesn't really have to engage with his step grandparents anymore if he doesn't want to and it's fine to be upset.

Them's the breaks. No of course you shouldn't change your wills. I mean, you can change yours if you want, but your husband is under zero obligation to change his and also probably won't leave your elder son anything anyway. Why should he?

Exactly. I am astonished that the OP hasn't thought this out properly. It almost reads as if she expects this family to subsidise her elder son. Life rarely works like that. It is also why blended families are a bad idea.

Try and get your older child back into study and into a secure job. Once he is saving his own money you and DH might be able to assist him with a part house deposit.
It will be harder for him but he should not give up.

He has a good example of a hard working family and you need to tell him to work, save and ask for some help when he wants to buy a small property. His brother owning a house should give him incentive.

You could leave your property unevenly to your eldest but your husband and his family don't need to treat your eldest the same.
Maybe the grandparents might give your eldest some tips. He should ask for their advice.
Have you asked your son's biofamily for help with higher education fees?

I put yanbu in that yanbu as a mother to be upset that your two sons have such different opportunities. However you are probably being unreasonable to have expected that the step grandparents would disadvantage their own grandchildren in the will or with houses to give such large amounts to their dsgc. Especially if there are other grandchildren in the mix to provide for. Money only goes so far and inevitably people choose their own family for large amounts. It is hard though op. Especially if in things like birthdays and Christmas they've always had more or less the same growing up. Even that doesn't always happen so it's good when it does but inevitably, for the older boy, having been equal in the smaller things all his life, it's a terrible shock to find himself not equal in the big things. You can't do much about big things like houses but I would be trying to ensure that the older boy gets some of the smaller things. With all the younger one is getting I can't imagine he's going to feel hard done by if you say something like ...it was so kind of dgp to pay for your driving lessons. That's been helpful to us as well. We were going to give you both driving lessons at some point so I'm really pleased we can get going on them for your brother. This is not criticizing the dgp as such you are presenting it as helpful. If possible,when he's learnt to drive could you say the same about maybe getting a second hand car for older brother. Can't imagine younger brother or DH would care about this since the younger one already has these. You obviously can't buy older one a house but if I could afford it I would be asking older one for board but putting the money away for a deposit for him. These small gestures will show the older one he very much matters in your own family and, with all his advantages, surely the other brother would be glad to see his brother helped like this. After all big brother wouldn't be getting anything little brother doesn't already have. Hopefully your DH won't mind either as this doesn't impact on big long term things like property in a will. It would make your elder son feel he mattered, make you happier and hopefully help the relationship between your two sons. 💐

This is hard on your older son, but it's reasonable of your inlaws to leave their property to their bio- grandchildren, but usually it wouldn't bevan issue till the grandparents had died.

I hope it doesn't become an issue between your sons, I think you need to help your oldest to understand that while it feels unfair, it's not that unexpected.

Your younger son won't need financial support from you, so you will be able to provide more funds to older son eg to pay for education or training to help him get more stable work.

I don't think you should change your will to leave more to the older at this stage - maybe when they're older and settled, they're too young to know what their needs will be when/if they have families.

Also, you say your elder son 'won't approach his dad to ask what's going on'. Why would he? It sounds as if he actually has his head screwed on the right way. Your husband is also not his dad. Did you make any effort at all to get maintenance from his bio dad? If not, why not? Don't you see that from the point of view of your husband and his parents, you are seeing him as a meal ticket for your elder son? That isn't your son's fault. It is yours, and also his bio dad's.

I understand why you feel sad about the situation but I don’t think you should change your will. Your younger son is loved equally by his mum and you shouldn’t put that in doubt after your death.

I would speak openly about with your older son about how much of a shame it is that his grandparents aren’t in a position to offer anything.

Seperately you need to encourage your son to do something about his situation. Dropping out of uni and being in and out Iof work needs sorting out for his long term prospects.

OP - what do you mean by ‘ he won’t approach his dad to ask what is going on.’

surely he knows what’s going on? His parents are gifting large assets to their grandchildren. They aren’t include their son’s step son in this?

did you husband adopt your son, that would change things for me.

I don’t know who these people are who can’t accept a small child into their family and treat them equally.

I think it’s bloody awful

my biological dad left my mum when I was a baby, step dad raised me, I was 5 or 6 when he came to live with us. To me he is my dad, he treats me as his own, I also Inherited when his mother died.

hearts of stone your in-laws have - this could drive a wedge between the brothers, I’d look to even it out.

Don't be ridiculous. If OP felt so strongly about it, she should have worked to ensure that her elder son was provided for, and not trapped a man into becoming a father (which is honestly what this reads like) If I were the grandparents, this child would inherit over my dead body. Or rather, wouldn't.

Your oldest son’s prospects are in a mess because he dropped out of uni and takes temporary jobs. Not because your husband’s parents won’t buy him a house.