Different Dads Different Prospects

[DelaneyDonkey]

I have no idea what I even want out of this thread.

When I first met my in-laws not only was I pregnant with their grandson even though I had only known their son for a few months I also had a three year old in tow whose dad was completely uninterested. I was quite a catch as you can imagine.

I thought everything worked out reasonably well. We got married and settled down. Broadly speaking they treated both boys well and my eldest had come into the family at an age where he knew they weren’t his grandparents so subtle differences in their treatment were accepted.

Now 17 years later things are beginning to change massively. Eldest dropped out of uni and in and out of work through no fault of his own, just the way it is with that kind of work. While youngest has had driving lessons given to him by in-laws, a second hand car, a course paid for, enabling him to get a part-time job. He has been told he will be supported at uni.

My in-laws are very ordinary people, who have worked all their lives but in the 1980s FiL had an industrial accident and built up a little property portfolio. Last week, completely casually younger son said that one of these houses la will be transferred to him when he is 18 of months. Apparently the two cousins have had houses given to them as well.

Elder son just became mute.

Husband and I are having to pare everything back at the minute but he won’t approach his dad to ask what is going on.

Youngest has his head screwed on but it is as if he has everything handed him on a plate.

Our mortgaged house is worth about £300,000 but husband will not hear of adjusting our wills.

If you had asked me 18 years ago if I expected in-laws to treat them the same I would have said no, it wasn’t their duty but I am just beside myself at the inequality, I didn’t expect it.

I think even with full siblings it can be a bit like this.

I mean I have a full sibling and I was born a bit disabled and he wasn't. It's not his fault. We just have to do the best with what we're given in life.

It doesn't mean that your younger son will have all the luck. The elder may have wonderful children while the younger son may never have any.

Life throws a lot of curve balls along the way.

This is true. My younger brother is massively younger than me. My parents thought they couldn’t have any more. And he came along. And he got much more in terms of things than I ever did. And he was parented completely differently.

I would try and set the expectations of the eldest child as to financial support from his stepfather's grandparents very low. Let's look at it that way, they were nice enough throughout his childhood, and now he is an adult he really has to work with the circumstances he has.
To those who suggest the inheritance from the mother must be divided equally or it's unfair. You really think that? If one child of yours were to live with you all their life and have a modest income, and another ended up a high flying multi billionaire, would you think it fair to sell your family home and divide the inheritance between the two equally, when one would lose their home as a result, and another not notice he has become any richer? That's some notion of fairness I must say! I'm sure the younger son benefitting from his grandparents, will understand if the mother supports his brother more.
Good luck OP, may both your children do well.

Totally.

I have a friend who was in a bit of a situation like the younger brother. Grandparents left their house, and nothing for the older step-brother.
They got pressurised to divide it, so they sold it, divided the money in two as their Mum wanted them to.

Guess what. Twenty years down the line, older brother came into much more money through a relative he'd never met. Did he share? Not a bean.
She's non-contact with her family now and that was the catalyst - along with Mum saying "why should he share? It wasn't your relative."

Wow, OP I feel for you and I'm very surprised at some of these responses. My Gran is actually my step-Gran and she's never once treated me any differently than any of her "real" grandchildren. It seems really upsetting and wrong to do things any other way. What if your DH and you couldnt have kids and then adopted a child and then you fell pregnant. Would your inlaws make the same distinction between the two children based on blood alone? Surely not. How is this any different?!

I imagine how hard it must be in blended families and grandparents could be old fashioned in their thinking.
I'd feel like you it's hard .. wish I had advice it must hurt your heart x

I will get downvoted into oblivion for saying this, this is why you should never have a child with a man who's the slightest uninterested because things like this will crop up OR be financially rich yourself so you can make up the difference.

This.

I think this is an appalling way for your PILs to treat your eldest! My brother's wife had a 5yo daughter from a previous relationship when she and my brother got married. They've since had more children together. It would not occur to me or to my parents to think of or to treat this girl (now a teenager) any differently from any other nephews/neices/grandchildren.
I can't believe your ILs used to not give your eldest a birthday present! What a horrible way to treat a child. And then to sow discord between brothers by giving one a HOUSE ffs, and the other one nothing, I think that's appalling. I would be really upset too, OP. Clearly there are a lot of blended families out there that function very differently to mine!

Appalling of the PILs yet you don't think the the older sons own father and paternal grandparents should be accountable?

Does OP have parents who can step up (sorry if missed it)?

I've only read up until here, but it sounds like your main issue is that your youngest is directly benefitting from Grandparents. If it was your husband getting the benefit, he might split it equally.

It's also hard to have a highlight of how absolutely unfair property ownership/wealth is. You are probably also worried about there being a rift between your sons - do you feel they both understand the situation? It isn't their fault they have such different chances re: money.

Can you encourage your eldest to seek to secure his own financial prosperity? Dropping out of university doesn’t sound promising. Can you research well paying jobs with him and see if there’s something he’d like to do and the pathway to achieve that?

The obvious to me solution is that your younger son invites the older one to live with him rent free in the house he owns. Doesn't need to tell the grandparents it's rent free. A gift is a gift only if it is free of reservations.

If he is really planning on having tenants there will be a lot for him to learn around a landlord's responsibilities, the info needed for a tax return as well as some technical stuff around house repairs - it's not like your own house where you can take some time to research who to contact and live with a semi functional thing for a bit. I thought about it some years ago and decided it wasn't right for me. It may be right for him but he may need agents and an accountant which will eat into any profit.

If he's planning on uni, it may make sense for him to sell this house and buy one near uni to live in with some fellow students as tenants whilst he studies.

I think trust your parenting - you've raised both your kids so that they'll look out for each other.

I wouldn't pay much attention to the people criticising him for that. If he got into university he clearly isn't a waster, and it's fairly common to change courses/change direction at that age. He is hardly 39 years old playing video games in his pants all day.

Bu the same logic though, he is still super young and has his whole life ahead of him. He could become a millionaire through his own means, (or more likely get a good job and his own house etc.) Even though his brother has been given a softer start in adult life they are both going to be most affected by their own decisions. And the fact that your elder son has a mother who is concerned about his future, and a home to go to when his first uni course didn't work out, and is clearly bright IS a massive advantage in life compared to lots of kids. In 20 years time the house will matter a lot less and it already matters less than other aspects.

Obviously it's just the way it is, but I can totally understand why you are struggling with it OP. I have two boys close in age like yours, and would find your situation really upsetting too x

Excellent point! DS2 will not only lose all the incentives/support that are available to first time buyers, he will also need to pay a far more substantial amount of stamp duty.

I have great sympathy with both you and your eldest son OP. This precisely mirrors the situation in my own family. My brother married a girl with a two year old daughter. She has never had any contact with her biological father. My brother and his wife went on to have two more children and they have all been treated exactly the same by my parents and all members of the wider family. My brother made it clear from the start that his oldest child was just as much his child as her two younger siblings. My parents would never have been allowed to favour his two younger children, not that they would have wanted to. Your husband's parents have in effect created a two tier family and should be shamed for it. Of course your eldest son feels upset and jealous - he has every right to. I agree with you - the only way you can address this is to readjust your sons' future inheritance so that your eldest son receives a larger sum - it's the only way left for you to redress the balance.

I am always so shocked when I read so many comments saying “you must give them the same”. If my brother and I had different fathers and by good fortune I inherited lots of money from my family where he inherited none I would of course understand if my parents chose to alter their will to compensate him. Why would I want my brother to be poor?? Particularly if I’ve already had so many more leg ups in the form of uni, car etc.

if you’ve parented your kids well OP I think they’ll understand why you would choose to modidy your will to something more equity based.

Your husbands parents who by your own words have been welcoming, kind and generous towards your son his whole life are the ones you have an issue with?

When really you should be asking why your sons own biological Grandparents (your parents and your ex’s parents.) aren’t stepping up in the way you expect two people who aren’t even related to your son to?

Inheritance and financial help isn’t a right, it is a privilege and you’re a CF for expecting your husbands parents to dish out their money and property to your son when he already has two parents in his life and their extended family.

It's not the grandparents fault your big sons dad isn't interested.
What about his grandparents n that side.

A house isn't everything and you can't tell.people what they can and can't do with their money.

Right now her husband is already being generous by including his stepchild in his will. If OP acts to dissolve a mutual will/changes her will to favor her eldest, then he can very easily respond by disinheriting his stepchild and leaving his half entirely to his own child.

None of this is the youngest son’s fault, and it isn’t his responsibility to support his brother by sharing what his paternal family are giving him (it’s a bold assumption that he even can. It doesn’t sound like they’re handing it over without oversight and/or controls). His older brother has his own paternal family, they’re just not wealthy.

You are making up stuff like going from one retail job to another just to fit your own narrative. Op said business closed down. Younger child has more privileges and opportunities in his life like help from grandparents etc and pampering, older one does not. Just because he has not figured it out by age 20, does not mean he said wasted every opportunity. You are being heartless with your comment considering how disadvantaged his situation compared to another child living under same roof has been.

I didn’t say it was his responsibility? In fact I said that his Mum should go out and work to earn the extra money. I’m allowed to think that he should be more concerned and care more - we can disagree, this is my opinion only on a forum designed for people to give their own opinion. I don’t think he’s being ‘generous’ by leaving an equal share to a child that’s been in his life for almost his whole life either. If he disinherits him because his wife gets an extra job and isn’t home to make dinner then he wasn’t worth having in the first place.

you’re a CF for expecting your husbands parents to dish out their money and property to your son

Very negative interpretation of what op is expressing.

The penny has just dropped. All you have to do is make sure you live longer then you get to leave what you want to who you want. Make his life stressful.