Different Dads Different Prospects

[DelaneyDonkey]

I have no idea what I even want out of this thread.

When I first met my in-laws not only was I pregnant with their grandson even though I had only known their son for a few months I also had a three year old in tow whose dad was completely uninterested. I was quite a catch as you can imagine.

I thought everything worked out reasonably well. We got married and settled down. Broadly speaking they treated both boys well and my eldest had come into the family at an age where he knew they weren’t his grandparents so subtle differences in their treatment were accepted.

Now 17 years later things are beginning to change massively. Eldest dropped out of uni and in and out of work through no fault of his own, just the way it is with that kind of work. While youngest has had driving lessons given to him by in-laws, a second hand car, a course paid for, enabling him to get a part-time job. He has been told he will be supported at uni.

My in-laws are very ordinary people, who have worked all their lives but in the 1980s FiL had an industrial accident and built up a little property portfolio. Last week, completely casually younger son said that one of these houses la will be transferred to him when he is 18 of months. Apparently the two cousins have had houses given to them as well.

Elder son just became mute.

Husband and I are having to pare everything back at the minute but he won’t approach his dad to ask what is going on.

Youngest has his head screwed on but it is as if he has everything handed him on a plate.

Our mortgaged house is worth about £300,000 but husband will not hear of adjusting our wills.

If you had asked me 18 years ago if I expected in-laws to treat them the same I would have said no, it wasn’t their duty but I am just beside myself at the inequality, I didn’t expect it.

I don’t think anyone has done anything wrong but I also think it’s sad for your eldest. I would be going out to work an extra job and saving some money for him if it were me. It’s not his fault his Dad is a loser and it must feel awful for him. Tell your husband that’s why you’re doing extra hours and that’s the reason you’ll be more tired, more unavailable for sex and he’ll need to cook dinner as you won’t be in. I think although your husband isn’t doing anything wrong he should feel sorry for your son and be coming up with a plan to make it better.

I’m quite agog at the number of women who let their DCs’ fathers off so easily. And then expect their parents-in-law to provide what their children’s fathers’ families will not. It’s bonkers.

Also, I expect your eldest has some of his fathers traits which led him to chose the wrong uni course, drop out rather than transfer, not hold down a job. These are the traits he will probably carry for life.
i wish that I’d been born attractive but I haven’t so I have to work really hard instead of marrying someone ugly with money.
that sounds awful. And it is. And I said it on purpose. because money isn’t everything. Yet your post only focuses on money.

i would definitely try and help older son but I sit down with younger son and explain why. It is very sad that he is left feeling left out by his grandparents.

The strange thing to me is that guess is does the younger son not help the elder at all? He can’t like give rides to him or whatever?

I constantly drove my sister to and from sports practice or work etc when we were kids. I let her stay free in my apartment in NYC one weekend when I lived there, we were both in our 20s & she and her boyfriend wanted to visit

Admittedly we’re not as close anymore because I started to feel used by her. If I let her visit she’d leave towels everywhere. Once she & the BF refused to have dinner at the restaurant where my BF worked it wasn’t cool enough and they didn’t build in time to hang out with me they just wanted to use the apartment. Like being very bad guests I’d say. But I mean for years esp before the negative influence of her now husband like we were fine. We looked out for each other.

So like what’s the relationship between your two sons, son b isn’t going to let son a crash on the couch if he needs some assistance? Like that’s the part I don’t get. Do they treat each other well or is one using the other, is one disparaging the other? What’s their vibe?

My sister kind of got into a habit of not treating others very well I’d say it’s impacted a lot of her relationships negatively. She got to a point with no self awareness. She called me right after a cancer biopsy I’d had and didn’t ask how I was, just started complaining to me, things like that.

But if your kids like each other & have their heads on straight why would this be a huge wedge between them? Why wouldn’t kid b be like sharing with kid a if they like each other and kid a is struggling?

It's a really hard situation Op - because your eldest was so young when you got together with your partrner. From his perspective his brother is just getting a totally different set of rolls of the dice.

A tough one I would say. No easy answer.

A very close friends husband died. He too had quite an extensive property portfolio. His will left one house to his child and one to his step child, the rest going to my friend.

Maybe the difference was the step child was in a secure job, and had been for years. Who knows?

I have to comment on the flip side of a lot of these comments, I have a blended family, dsd, ds and dd. DH has been ds step dad since he was 3, I have been dsd step mum since she was 7, dd between us. Both sides of gps have accepted dsc as their own and all are treated equally in their wills. We have not influenced this in any way, the money is held in trust until the dcs are 21, For transparency, myself and DH will not inherit anything from either side of parents, we would rather they spent their money while they are alive! I am happy that my 3 children are treated equally! However, I am not sure what we would do in op circumstances, but I would be very upset if one of my children was singled out!

It would be wrong to favour one son in your will. You should treat your children the same. It must be very hard on your son, but I'm sure he wouldn't want his brother to receive nothing from his grandparents just to make things even.

It also doesn't even require divorce for that to happen. With couples who are still married at death, the first spouse to go often wills much of their estate to the survivor, who then has total control. In this case, if that were their son, most of what he'd leave would probably have come from them. And OP already thinks it's fine for her and DH to leave more to her DS, ie for their DGC to be left worse off. Even if one agrees with that personally, ILs clearly aren't going to.

In this situation, if they want to be sure their DGC will benefit, they need to pass it directly.

Not necessarily - money can cause rifts as much as bonds.

How has your DH squared that his DPs gave his siblings help to buy property but not him?

Has he discussed this with them?

How long has he known that the cousin got a property - 5 years? Did he not tell you this?

I suspect your DH knows more than he is saying.

How much of this money is coming from your personal income or your own parents OP?

This seems to be all about what you feel should be donated by an unrelated family to your son who has a father and mother of his own who both have parents who could be leaving an inheritance.

Why is it only your husbands family expected to stump up for your oldest child who is not related to them?

How much of the money your oldest childs father has spent or given to you over the last 17 years have you ringfenced to give to your youngest in the supposed interests of fairness?
Did you make him give your youngest a birthday or Christmas present?

It’s not the responsibility of DH and his parents to compensate for something that isn’t their fault either.

OP’s husband is already being generous by leaving equally to his stepchild. If OP starts playing games and trying to strong-arm him into giving her oldest more at the expense of his actual child, he could very easily respond by disinheriting his stepchild entirely.

It’s understandable you’re upset by this, but I don’t think the GPs did anything wrong. Your eldest has different GPs - his father’s parents. Are they giving him anything? If they are, I very much doubt they’ll be giving anything to your youngest son.

Someone above said they’re treating your eldest as ‘other’, but if they’ve loved him and accepted him, then they’re not treating him as other at all. The inheritance/house is a separate thing. It’s not your younger son’s GP’s fault your older son has crap/poor/uninterested GPs.

You’d be wrong to change your will IMO. Both your sons should get an equal amount from you. It could go either way because they both have different relatives. Maybe elder DS will get an inheritance from his Great Auntie Doris who he’s never met but who’s unmarried and keen on sharing her wealth between all her great nieces and nephews? Who knows? Would you then berate her for not including your completely unrelated younger son?

This is how blended families work. Also, you say you thought the GP’s wealth would pass to their DC and then your DH could distribute is share as he saw fit, but it’s very common for GP’s to pass wealth to GCs rather than their DC.

Set an example to your son about how to deal with this and not make a big thing of it; make sure your younger DS is considerate towards him; and help your elder DS in his career - just as you’ll help your younger DS. It’s not all about the money. Show them both you love them equally and acknowledge their different father’s can sometimes cause differences, but that’s just the way things are.

What a HORRIBLE first paragraph to your post. Go give your head a wobble!

The dad hasn’t really been in his life. It’s a completely valid observation.

No it isn’t. It isn’t an observation, because you don’t know the dad or the kid. It’s a vile assertion based on god knows what personal trauma or chip you’re carrying.

OP, sorry if I've missed this, but does your eldest DS call your husband "dad"? And what does he call the grandparents?

I know you said he has sporadic contact with his biological father, but what about the grandparents on that side?

I think blended families are really, really tough - if the original biological father is shit, it's almost easier if they're not involved at all!

I also think people think in such mercenary and black-and-white ways about situations like yours. Your eldest DS was still such a little boy when you got together with your DH - I don't see why he wasn't welcomed into the family in the same way as he would have been if he were an adopted child. I think there are parallels there.

I think it's sad that your eldest has grown up being treated as "other" within the family.

That is the cold hard truth about blended families. I'm in the same situation. My two older DC won't inherit as much as my two younger DC. When me and DH sorted out our wills we will Split the Will in half - DH side will be between our Two DC, my 50% will be split 4 ways . My DC have been gifted evenly by my DM ... because all the children are mine and her GC ...on my In laws side they won't get anything (well inlaws do have about £500k but it's all going to another Sibling, who is my DH half sibling, but that another thread completely 🤬) Thats life ...you can't force anyone to hand over anything

if your husband gets something from his parents and dies before you - NOW IT WILL BE your choice to help the older , you just need to wait for all this to unravel because tbh you have been expecting their money to go equally to both sons , so you are a grabber

now don't come back telling us their money their choice, and you are absolutely not interested in it, because you made a post about it

At least you didn't have 2 sons by 2 deadbeat Dads. Youngest being helped financially is really great, means you can more easily afford driving lessons etc for older one.

That’s so hard on your eldest. But I guess you can’t change how your in-laws feel.

this same sort of nonsense happens in blood families too. I had to fund my own way through university and my first home. My sibling got rent paid and a £600 a month “allowance” plus the deposit for her flat paid. I found it hard at first but you know what? Least I know I’ve earned everything I have. My sibling can’t say that. That could be a way to think about things?

Sorry but why SHOULD non-blood relation grandparents gift your son a house?! The mind boggles that you’d ever think otherwise.

A version of this thread turns up every week (or maybe every other week).

The strong consensus (which I agree with) is:

1. It’s their money
2. It’s very common for grandparents to treat step-grandchildren differently from non-step-grandchildren, both in life, but particularly in death.

FWIW, I doubt the situation of your son (working or not working, etc) has any bearing on their decisions.

FWIW(2), I’m sure your son has benefitted from having his stepfather throughout his life. He’s undoubtedly helped contribute to a roof over his head, and provided for him. So maybe you should both focus on being grateful for that, rather than not getting anything from a set of people he’s not related to.