Different Dads Different Prospects

[DelaneyDonkey]

I have no idea what I even want out of this thread.

When I first met my in-laws not only was I pregnant with their grandson even though I had only known their son for a few months I also had a three year old in tow whose dad was completely uninterested. I was quite a catch as you can imagine.

I thought everything worked out reasonably well. We got married and settled down. Broadly speaking they treated both boys well and my eldest had come into the family at an age where he knew they weren’t his grandparents so subtle differences in their treatment were accepted.

Now 17 years later things are beginning to change massively. Eldest dropped out of uni and in and out of work through no fault of his own, just the way it is with that kind of work. While youngest has had driving lessons given to him by in-laws, a second hand car, a course paid for, enabling him to get a part-time job. He has been told he will be supported at uni.

My in-laws are very ordinary people, who have worked all their lives but in the 1980s FiL had an industrial accident and built up a little property portfolio. Last week, completely casually younger son said that one of these houses la will be transferred to him when he is 18 of months. Apparently the two cousins have had houses given to them as well.

Elder son just became mute.

Husband and I are having to pare everything back at the minute but he won’t approach his dad to ask what is going on.

Youngest has his head screwed on but it is as if he has everything handed him on a plate.

Our mortgaged house is worth about £300,000 but husband will not hear of adjusting our wills.

If you had asked me 18 years ago if I expected in-laws to treat them the same I would have said no, it wasn’t their duty but I am just beside myself at the inequality, I didn’t expect it.

But you did still expect your oldest to inherit their wealth even you you expected it to filter via your dh. I still feel that’s wrong.

Your oldest has his own entire family to inherit or not from as well as yourself included in that.

Your youngest has his entire family yourself included.

His family shouldn’t be funding his brother’s inheritance though. Your already rather lucky that your dh is willing to split it 50/50 between the boys rather than a taken amount or wha tends to happen is his entire 50% would’ve his child’s while your 50% should be split between your children.

When you read many threads on here step mums are told to keep their money for them own children and not deprive their children for the sake of steps.

The fact that her husband said she couldn’t change the will leads to me believe that they may have a mutual will.

If they have mirror wills she would be taking quite the risk. She would at least have
to be extremely confident that she wouldn’t die first.

Also, if they’re joint tenants and she suddenly wants to change to become tenants in common then he’ll be alerted pretty quickly as to her intentions.

She’s already alerted him that she wants to change their wills. He can now take his own measures to head that off at the proverbial pass.

Part of the entire course of step siblings so for that matter I would say YABU

To put it another way from a parent/step parent stance, I stand to inherit some money eventually and for that, my Will will be leaving that to just my children, but then there will be a further addition that my children and my step children will equally share anything I jointly own with DP at the time of my death.

Your PIL don’t owe your child anything. It’s not completely fair, but I can see it from their point of view.

Only if they’re giving him free rein without any financial education, which doesn’t seem to be the case.

Well yes, obviously there are different prospects

It is not the second husband's family's fault that the first husband and his family were/are a dead loss. It is hugely unfair for the OP to think that either her first child gets absorbed into the family no questions asked, or that the younger sibling misses out to make things "fair".

OP says that both of her boys have been treated well by the younger one's grandparents which is pretty much all that can be asked for. If her second husband was so bothered by the perceived inequality he could have gone through the legal route of adopting the older one and has chosen not to.

This is what happens when people with more than one partner. Still, keeps the MN forums busy.

Hm I’m the younger sibling in this situation and my parents have done their will so everything will be split 50:50 between me and my half-brother (even though he has a different dad who he has contact with as an adult, he didn’t as a child though). My dad’s side of the family have always treated my brother exactly the same as me in terms of financial things like Christmas and birthdays. My paternal grandmother recently gave each grandchild a couple of thousand pounds each as she had unused savings- my brother was included in this too. I’ve never seen the issue and would have found it awful if he was excluded.

@DelaneyDonkey, but the boys will have different lives.

Which is normal amoungst even blood siblings as others have said.
All sorts of things lead to different earning potential even if level pegging from the onset.
I have much less than all my siblings, but don't resent them for any of it.

You need to stop resenting your in-laws for spending their money how they chose.
All you can do is equip both kids to make the most of whatever opportunities they have.
Your eldest has the potential to be wealthy but money isn't everything.

It is up to your sons father, and your sons paternal grandparents to 'even the balance'.

You talk about them having very different lives. This is within their control, even with the same start and financial investment their lives could be very different. My brother had more financial investment than me - he went to private school, and my parents co-bought his house with him as his lowish salary meant he couldn't get a mortgage on his own. He has been in and out of jobs his whole life, always working but never anywhere long enough to move up the career ladder, he isn't good at time or stress management and tends to fall out with employers as doesn't take feedback well. He now lives in a run down terrace worth about 200k, on a minimum wage at nearly 50. I went to a failing comp, got into uni through sheer slog, worked way up due to same, and live in a lovely house in a nice area worth nearly a million. Your oldest son can chose to let the difference to his brother hold him back, or he can use it to light a fire under him and fight his way to a solid financial position through hard graft and savvy choices. If he does he will ultimately be better off than having it handed to him, as he will have the pride of achievement.

Thems the breaks, this is one of the pitfalls of blending families, the non-biological children are almost always treated differently.

Would your youngest son consider sharing his inheritance with his sibling?

Absolutely not. Why should he give money to an older sibling who dropped out of uni and who won’t get a proper job or trade or skill. The kid dropped out of uni and is dossing about going from one retail job to another.

I’d consider sharing inheritance with a sibling who made an effort with his own life. Not with one who wasted every opportunity.

I very much doubt that youngest would share, he would have completely compartmentalised things. He probably doesn’t see a connection between my eldest and his grandfather. Besides, If in-laws thought he would share he could say goodbye to further inheritance.

My husband doubts that he will receive anything from his parents and it will go directly to grandchildren in proportion.

I do think my boys have a good relationship but because of this youngest will also be close to his cousins they will have a bond that my eldest won’t be a part of.

My eldest is not a wastrel, he made wrong uni choice and will go back.

His old boss is employing him for Bonfire Night and again at Christmas. He is an excellent employee.

Ah, OP, this is hard and I can see why you are exercised by it.

I don't think the GPs have done anything wrong by trying to set their grandchildren up for success in life. Presumably giving gifts in their lifetime and bequeathing directly to their grandchildren rather than their children is to minimize inheritance tax? Given the presence of stepchildren in the family, this is a strategy which risks straining family relations, but I think it's reasonably common.

I agree with PPs who advise against varying your and DH's wills. This is a really sensitive area and I would keep to 50:50.

On the other hand, I think it would be absolutely OK, if your finances permit it down the line, to even the score a bit in your lifetimes by helping your oldest son out with e.g. house deposit or other financial support, and it would be OK to put money by for that purpose.

EDITED TO ADD: I see that it's not yet certain that the grandchildren rather than your DH and his siblings will inherit. Try not to borrow trouble.

I do think my boys have a good relationship but because of this youngest will also be close to his cousins they will have a bond that my eldest won’t be a part of.

All your comments on your family and your husband’s family seem to be about money/property. You don’t acknowledge that there will be ways they are close to (or not close to) extended family members aside from the property they own.

There will be bonds between the cousins if you have raised your DC to think about people, not money. But you seem to think that all their relationships will be mediated by money and inheritance.

Maybe you should focus on why your elder son is a university drop out and can’t hold down a job …

People saying you can't leave different amounts to children.
My dad had 5 DCs. 3 with his first wife and 2 with my mum.
My grandfather had disowned my dad and therefore never acknowledged me and my DB even though we were his own blood!
My half siblings inherited £96k each back in 1992 which was a hell of a lot of money back in those days and life changing given that they were in their late 20s early 30s.
My dad skewed his will so that my DB and I inherited more from him to correct this unfairness and wrote a letter accompanying his will to explain this.
My half siblings completely understood.

And who has his own father and grandparents?

I voted YANBU

I wouldn't expect my DH to disadvantage his 'biological son' as some have put it, but I would expect there to be equity in a family where kids have grown up side by side. And I would be disappointed if DH didn't say something.

Assuming DS1 has no relationship with his bio father and bio grandparents this is an even sadder scenario. Presumably he calls your DH Dad?

It would be a heavy blow for your 17 yr old to process, that in spite of all these years of being a family, playing in the sand box with his younger brother, having fights, running to Daddy for cuddles, he is nonetheless viewed as 'other'. In many cultures it would never happen this way. He is your DH's son. He is your in-laws grandson but he has just been turned into a sideshow.

I would do everything I could in my won way to put this right. Save money into a secret account etc etc

But the OP wants her husband to skew the will so that he leaves all his money to her oldest, who is not his son, and not leave any money for his own actual son. Thats very different.

which would create some equity in a sibling relationship. This sort of thing will otherwise destroy their relationship

it's great, but what exactly is he doing until then and between the 2?

And since most people associate inheritance with love. Will make it look like they loved the first more.

Or if the youngest is logical and it seems he is with his separation of his family giving vs his brother. His brother will of “stolen” his family wealth.

both could destroy the relationship rather than the truth. They have different dads. Which means different families. Their mother should treat them equally.

So again blended families should be clear from the start yes they in the house are a combined family but outside of that house both boys have their own extended families.

It’s funny really it’s only when the first child is poor it seems to be an issue. Not when the second ever had less.

One thing I don't think has been mentioned yet is that favouring one DC in a will can potentially be 'corrected' by the other parent if you die first. Eg if OP changes her will to favour DS1, which she has every right to do, should she predecease DH it'll all come out then. If he has strong feelings about 50/50, which he may do if he wants to treat a stepchild the same as a bio child, he could then adjust his own will to try and balance it out.

With that in mind, I know you say you're struggling at the moment OP, but if you feel strongly that DS1 deserves more to try and compensate for the lack of house, once your finances improve it would make sense to try and do it in life and not just rely on your will.

It’s their money they can do what they like. My parents are giving my sibling more for various reasons, good for them.

Adjusting your will is also a bit unfair, your husband is a gem for treating your older boy like his own, but he can’t be expected to give more to his step child (unless it’s his choosing).

This is sad but I don’t see what you can do but prep them both for the difference.

Why would to expect equity when it’s been clear from the start that this wasn’t going to happen? If OP wanted that type of stepfamily for her son then it was her responsibility to not continue a relationship that wasn’t offering that. Instead, she seems that she accepted that her sons wouldn’t be considered or treated the same. He isn’t her husband’s son, nor is he her in laws grandchild.

OP’s son does indeed have a relationship with his father and paternal family, they’re just not wealthy.