Different Dads Different Prospects

[DelaneyDonkey]

I have no idea what I even want out of this thread.

When I first met my in-laws not only was I pregnant with their grandson even though I had only known their son for a few months I also had a three year old in tow whose dad was completely uninterested. I was quite a catch as you can imagine.

I thought everything worked out reasonably well. We got married and settled down. Broadly speaking they treated both boys well and my eldest had come into the family at an age where he knew they weren’t his grandparents so subtle differences in their treatment were accepted.

Now 17 years later things are beginning to change massively. Eldest dropped out of uni and in and out of work through no fault of his own, just the way it is with that kind of work. While youngest has had driving lessons given to him by in-laws, a second hand car, a course paid for, enabling him to get a part-time job. He has been told he will be supported at uni.

My in-laws are very ordinary people, who have worked all their lives but in the 1980s FiL had an industrial accident and built up a little property portfolio. Last week, completely casually younger son said that one of these houses la will be transferred to him when he is 18 of months. Apparently the two cousins have had houses given to them as well.

Elder son just became mute.

Husband and I are having to pare everything back at the minute but he won’t approach his dad to ask what is going on.

Youngest has his head screwed on but it is as if he has everything handed him on a plate.

Our mortgaged house is worth about £300,000 but husband will not hear of adjusting our wills.

If you had asked me 18 years ago if I expected in-laws to treat them the same I would have said no, it wasn’t their duty but I am just beside myself at the inequality, I didn’t expect it.

People seem to be ignoring bio dad. He's about, he's just not rich and has no houses to offer. He should still be parenting his son and offering him advice on getting his life back on track after dropping out of uni.
OP and her husband don't appear to be very wealthy themselves so this is actually squabbling over the grandparents wealth, while they're still alive, which is unseemly.

You should have the house transferred to tenants in common and leave your half to your son. If you dont and you die first your share could go to a new wife or to your stepson. You can leave your husband a lifetime interest.
Why all people with a child outside of existing marriage dont do this I can't fathom.

Not if they've bought it as joint tenants (as most people do) - it automatically goes to the other person on the house deeds when one dies and can't be changed by anything contained in a will.

This is what I was going to say. It amazes me how many people think they can dictate what their adult children are gifted.

OP, it would be nice for you to come back and let us know if you still feel the same after reading all these comments.

I’d also be interested to know if you think your son would have had the opportunity to go to uni had you not met your current DH? Would he have had the home and things he’s had in life if you hadn’t met DH? If no then do you not see the advantages your DS has had in life due to your DH?

Yes @AnneLovesGilbert it is brilliant actually! Although I guess you were being sarcastic? I can never thank my DH enough for everything he has done for my DS. My DH’s parents who died many years ago also always treated my son as their own grandson. I realise the OP can’t change how her husband and his parent’s feel. I was simply stating my own opinion that I find that attitude heartless as have other posters on the thread.

I think this is pretty sad. The in-laws are being potentially quite short sighted here. This will drive a wedge between the 2 boys, almost inevitably. So whilst your youngest may have car, house etc given, he could be robbed of a brother over it over the longer term. The younger one could be quite fairly seen as the golden child with the older one feeling like shitty old baggage. And this will continue to have consequences, even when they are 40/50+.

i think that your in-laws have been grossly unfair. Whilst I don’t think they should have given the eldest a house, they certainly sound rich enough that buying driving lessons and a second hand car for him as well as his brother would have been really easy for them - financially it sounds like a few grand is just pocket change to them.

Re the house situation, that is really very difficult indeed. I don’t know the answer to that.

OP, I have a variation of your story.

My parents decided from when my 2 daughters were little that they would bestow several hundred thousand pounds to each of their 3 grandchildren through a trust. I was not ever consulted on this and thought it weird that their money should go directly to the grandchildren but I accepted it was at the end of the day their money to do what they pleased with.

However on my dad's death I discovered that my neice, their only other grandchild, had been given the same amount as my 2 added together. The supposed logic for this was that my neice was the "stand in" beneficiary instead of her mother (my sister) and my 2 of me. I was and still am really upset at this inequality. It seemed to me that there were different classes of grandchild and mine were clearly second class. It didn't help that my sister knew all about this for years but i was excluded from knowing and having the opportunity to say how unfair it seemed and having the chance of a rational discussion re the whole thing.

This has affected my memory of my father who I had always believed to be a fair and kind man. But it is what it is I guess.

You can leave your share of the house to your eldest exclusively. If you're not already tenants in common you'd need to sever the joint tenancy and then deal with it in your will.

I don’t think you should be relying on your husband to provide for your eldest, I have made direct provision for my children and I’m married to their dad.

what if something happened to you tomorrow, how sure can you be that 20/40 years down the line you husband will honour your wishes for his stepson?

at the very least you should have an insurance policy where your dc are named.

I don’t get this it would be 50/50 with your sister and instead her 50% share went to her child and your 50% share shared between yours which seems just as fair and equitable as a 3 way split?

This is tough but life is unfair, I grew up in poverty, neighbour got a giant inheritance at 18 which set her up and my freinds getting new cars and deposit handouts. I couldn't help but be abit sad as my parents were wanting all my money off me at 18 when I was a student and earning peanuts, I saved for driving lessons and they wanted all the money to pay the rent. I gave it them. I worked 10x to save, learnt to drive, went to uni but used student loans to give me a better start. I didn't let my past stop me but used as a motivator to improve my life. 18 years on, got my own business, making money smart, go on nice holidays and not on antidepressants. Some of my friends are on antidepressants despite big handouts. It is upto your eldest to get a job, save and focus on his future. You don't know whats around the corner, your eldest may end in a really good job with great opportunities. Set up a linkedin profile for him and see what's out there. Plumbing is a good sector. Also lots of apprenticeship opportunities.
Check if your eldest has a trust fund with the government, its worth £1000ish. If he does have 1, he can use it for his driving lessons. He should be thankful to be getting a inheritance from you. I am set to inherit 0. It's just life, some people are just luckier then others.
Make sure your will protects the eldest son incase you die first as the stepdad could change it if you die first. My partner's friend won the lottery, gave his mum the money to buy the house, new partner moves in, they get married, she dies and no will, step dad inherits the house and tells the stepson to get out. He is devastated as the house was meant to be for him. Now claims universal credit with 0 chance of buying a house.

Can’t really see the issue with this. It’s fundamentally the same as giving you and your sister 50/50 to pass on to your DC.

I guess by rational discussion, you mean the chance to talk them out of it.

I've not read all the replies but I would be concerned about the youngest being gifted a house as when he comes to buy his 'first' home it won't be and all the implications around that.

Could that open the door to a conversation for your DP and his parent's?

Implications of what?
when he comes to buy his 'first' home it won't be

I honestly don't understand what you mean the problem is!

He won’t be eligible for any FTB discounts in place at the time - stamp duty, Help To Buy, etc.

Even whilst he only has this property, there will be tax implications for him, obligation to complete a tax return, etc. It’s quite an unhelpful gift to give an 18yo in FT education.

Well, the answer is in your title OP! Hope your eldest child's paternal grandparents makes your older child a beneficiary in their will. Your younger child shouldn't miss out on his entitlement from his parents will just because of a poor decision you made in choosing the father of your older child. Also, I don't think your DH owes it to your older child to treat them both equally in his will. He has his own child to look after. In no way should he feel obliged to amend his will to give more to his step-child.

I am not wanting my eldest to directly inherit from my in-laws but indirectly through my husband.

CF territory here. You want your DH to split what he inherits from his parents equally, so in essence you are hoping for your older child to benefit from the death of a couple your older child has no blood relationship with. You're waiting with hungry eyes for your DH to bring home his inheritance so you can take half and give it to your older child. I find this disgusting actually. Kudos to the grandparents if they've realised this and are going to make their will accordingly.

I think they should have spoken to us before speaking to a 17 year old child about money he was going to receive.

No, they dont need to. Your younger child will be an adult, so the grandparents don't need your permission. Or is it that you were hoping that they'll speak to you about this so you can put in your request for your older child to get something doled out to him too?!

makes sense, but what a weird way to look at it!

He won’t be eligible for any FTB discounts in place at the time - stamp duty, Help To Buy, etc.
he will have a full house as asset instead, I know which one I"d pick 😂
Most people don't have benefit from Help to Buy either anyway.

obligation to complete a tax return
so? You have to learn at some point, some 18 yo have a full time job, others start running their business, they are more than able to fill a few form.

It’s quite an unhelpful gift to give an 18yo in FT education.
I honestly had never heard anyone talking about a property being "an unhelpful gift"

It’s interesting how many people on this thread think that the OP’s older son should be treated the same as her younger son, with regards to inheriting from her husband’s parents. On many threads where a stepmother has posted complaining that her husband and step child’s mother expect her to share the parenting eg school drop offs, there is huge support for the case that she’s not a parent and shouldn’t be expected to do anything for her stepchild, it is solely her husbands responsibility. Yet when it comes to money, it’s a different story.

I think that people should think long and hard before trying to blend families, and have discussions beforehand about their expectations.

OP it is up to your older son's biological dad and grandparents to step up. It needs to be made clear to your son that their behaviour is the reason for this outcome.

In the meantime you treat all your children equally. No one knows how much an individual's financial situation can change over time.

The oldest son has a relationship with his dad.

He’s well aware his stepfather isn’t his dad, and that his parents aren’t his grandparents.

Can you imagine an Ex thinking they can dictate how you spend your money!

Ex could have remarried, had more biological kids and even step kids.

On the off-chance Ex's new wife is wealthy, is she expected to include OP's eldest in her will, what about OP's youngest as that would be unfair?

Surprised OP is surprised when her DS isn't blood related.

If they divorce and DH marries someone else with kids, then they should be added too?

It's all a minefield and will never be fair, too many variables.

It’s essentially the same as dividing what they have equally between you and your sister (50/50) to leave to your children. They likely see this as the most tax-efficient approach.

Expecting your family to receive two-thirds of your parents’ estate simply because you have two children while your sister has only one is extraordinarily entitled.

My in-laws are only in their 60s.

I did not realise that they had rental properties until a few months into our relationship.

I have never ever thought about any inheritance until it became clear to my husband that his siblings were getting massive help with their houses.

They have always been respectful to my eldest . No distinction was ever made when in their company but I was always upset when there was never a birthday present given but a Christmas present was. He took part in a sport on Sunday mornings. I was delighted when the in-laws came to see him but it turned out they came to lure my youngest away for ice cream every week and a fiver in his back pocket.

I don’t have worries about my younger son inheriting early and no real worries about the relationship between the boys.

When forced to think about the in-laws I assumed the assets would be split between their own three kids and be filtered down through the generations.

I don’t think that they should give directly to my eldest but I never ever thought that there would be such disparities between my sons.

I think my eldest son will return to uni in time to train as a primary school teacher but the boys will have different lives.

I’m not being sarcastic at all, I’m genuinely pleased for you, for all 3 of you.

Oh I don’t have any kind of internalised inferiority going on. The reference to my being a good catch literally came into my head when I typed my first post.

Of course my eldest son has benefited from my husband but he would still have had opportunities gone to uni etc. even if I didn’t remarry.