Different Dads Different Prospects

[DelaneyDonkey]

I have no idea what I even want out of this thread.

When I first met my in-laws not only was I pregnant with their grandson even though I had only known their son for a few months I also had a three year old in tow whose dad was completely uninterested. I was quite a catch as you can imagine.

I thought everything worked out reasonably well. We got married and settled down. Broadly speaking they treated both boys well and my eldest had come into the family at an age where he knew they weren’t his grandparents so subtle differences in their treatment were accepted.

Now 17 years later things are beginning to change massively. Eldest dropped out of uni and in and out of work through no fault of his own, just the way it is with that kind of work. While youngest has had driving lessons given to him by in-laws, a second hand car, a course paid for, enabling him to get a part-time job. He has been told he will be supported at uni.

My in-laws are very ordinary people, who have worked all their lives but in the 1980s FiL had an industrial accident and built up a little property portfolio. Last week, completely casually younger son said that one of these houses la will be transferred to him when he is 18 of months. Apparently the two cousins have had houses given to them as well.

Elder son just became mute.

Husband and I are having to pare everything back at the minute but he won’t approach his dad to ask what is going on.

Youngest has his head screwed on but it is as if he has everything handed him on a plate.

Our mortgaged house is worth about £300,000 but husband will not hear of adjusting our wills.

If you had asked me 18 years ago if I expected in-laws to treat them the same I would have said no, it wasn’t their duty but I am just beside myself at the inequality, I didn’t expect it.

You don't get to say no to an adult receiving a gift. It's not your choice. Bad landlords come in all shapes and sizes.

Can you support your oldest into retraining etc so he can get a more stable job and start to build his own future.

How does your youngest feel about it?
Does he show any inclination to share with his brother?
Not saying that he should. Only that he is the only one who can decide whether his brother will benefit from his grandparents’ generosity.

I also intended to say this. There's something of a red flag in your comment, OP, that husband will not hear of adjusting our wills.

He can do what he wants with his own. He doesn't get to dictate what you do with yours. If he outlives you, of course, then the question is immaterial.

I disagree with the suggestion that this is unfair. The other son having been given an entire house whilst the non-biological one gets nothing is also unfair. Life's unfair.

In your shoes, OP, I'd leave in accordance with need.

I don't have this problem. I have two different children by two different fathers and I think they will be both do quite well. Both children are hugely supported financially.

However if this wasn't the case I think I would be looking at how I could help my oldest, including things like using my bonus to help her buy a house.

Can you not helping him with driving lessons? Help him find a cheap car. We're not rich by a long shot but my ex I did all the above for our daughter.

To be fair to OP she did start with "I have no idea what I even want out of this thread."
I'm taking that she understands why it is happening, and doesn't actually expect the ILs to treat the elder son exactly the same. Just venting her feelings about the unfairness of the differences in her two boys lives.

I'd say it's not unfair to feel that way when you love both your kids the same. But it is unfair to expect DH to want to favour the older over the younger in your wills. He loves them both and wants to be fair to both.
And DH is probably feeling put out at finding that both his brothers have been helped with finances while he hasn't, despite your struggling. I'd give him room to talk about that above bugging him about changing wills.

You can't stop it happening, but you can of course say no you do not support gift, and try to guide the young parents and grandparents towards a more appropriate arrangement in the same way as you can offer guidance to adult children on all sorts of things. I know that bad landlords come in all shapes and sizes and I have a feeling the grandparents probably aren't the best at it either or they wouldn't be handing over management of someone's home as a pocket money hobby.

I feel your pain 💐

I don't see why you shouldn't give and/or leave more money to your older son. That money belongs to you, and you can do whatever you think is best. You don't owe your sons 50/50 (in fact you don't owe them an inheritance at all - you could leave everything to a charity). But the 50/50 mirror will with your husband would obviously not then work. And there should be a discussion with your sons about that decision, so that they are expecting it and the younger one isn't aggrieved after you die. I think it would be very unreasonable of your younger son to resent your older son getting more, when it's being done because he hasn't had the windfall the younger son has had just through accident of birth. You care about both your sons equally, and sometimes that means helping one of them out and not the other, because their needs are not always the same.

Without your youngest’s grandparents things would be fairer between them - they’d both have no driving lessons, both have no support at uni or for courses, both have no flat gifted to them.

Perhaps the reason OP is finding this so tough is because it’s brought up some feelings of guilt about what she’s been able to provide for her children herself. I’m not saying she should feel guilty, but it would be understandable if she did. It’s not too late to help the eldest though - OP might not be able to do this financially, but she can help him get some focus and get his life back on track.

My younger half-sibling had a much better start in life - driving lessons, flat deposit, savings fund, inheritances, freedom to try different career paths. I had to graft through uni, go straight into a stable career, and took me ten years longer than him to buy a home. I now earn 3x what he does, and have built as much financial security for myself as he was gifted. I always knew I’d have to, and I’d have had to whether he had a father and grandparents with money or not.

OP can you discuss with your ex to see if he is willing to pass his potential inheritance from ex-FIL to your DS? I appreciate its a long shot, but that way you are at least trying to make things 'fair' if this is what you are looking for.

your challenge is to find a way to ensure that ds1 is willing to stand on his own two feet and work for everything he has without bitterness - you have a task and a half on your hands

Look at it from another perspective. If you were to discover your current husband had a long lost son that he wasn't aware off, aside from the shock m, how would you feel about updating your Will too accommodate him?

Why would you change your will?

That would be telling your youngest son that you don’t care about him and only care about your eldest.

It is not your IL’s responsibility to support your eldest child. It was your choice to have two different dads for your kids.

Your priority should be encouraging your eldest to improve things for himself. Loads of people don’t get inheritances and manage to make something of themselves. I stand to inherit nothing from either of my parents and never have from grandparents either. I have worked hard at education to get a good job and a mortgage.

It’s not a moral judgement (I’d be a hypocrite, I’m a step mum), but this is the difficulties of people having kids with different men and women and pretending that blended family’s work well.

we had a similar situation when we took our kids and the stepkids on holiday or Orlando. Their half siblings on their mother’s side were envious.

it’s just the sad reality of having kids with different men they are going to have different family’s. Your older son’s family are not as wealthy and there’s not a lot that can be done.

This is meant from a place of devil's advocate. I hear this is difficult.

There's no real reason why your older DS couldn't have been able to have driving lessons and get a part time job. Whilst you may see it differently- your younger DS was given these things from grandparents. Did you give your DS these things? Or did he achieve them himself? More context needed, but essentially there is much more value and learning in having to work to earn your driving lessons and also even from doing basic part time jobs to get by. I learned much more about hard work this way. You have more to aim for when you have things to fight against than when it's all handed on a plate. How it works out for them both will only be clear much later in the future (but it would be a shame if this becomes a permanent rift between the brothers that they can't heal).

Maybe silence is the best response.

I think one thing that you here is to equip your younger DS with an understanding of investing and investments. At his age (20) if he gets into a regular habit of investing he can do very well.

There is a boom coming with tech and the people who are investing money now will over the next 20 years do okay IMHO. Not trading, just investing a humble regular amount monthly into a global tracker. There are lots of books on investing out there, one called 'How to own the world' is aimed at younger people.

If his DB is given a house worth say £150k.
And he himself starts to invests £100 a month now, conservatively he could have £175k by the time he's 55.

Nothing controversial about educating your children about investing, what they choose to do with the info is up to them!

If you felt he had been given a disadvantage you could start him off with £10k cash to invest, and if he added £100, that figure could be £280k by 55..

I haven’t read the full thread but I actually agree with this. This is a boy who they have known since he was three years old. I just find it all a bit heartless to be honest. I only have one DS but my husband (not his Dad) has always treated him as his own.

The different prospects for kids with different dads seems obvious when there is huge financial disparity between the paternal families. I imagine it's the same for kids with different mums and the same dad when there is a disparity of wealth in the maternal families. It's not a problem for the grandparents to fix, it's just a consequence of being born into a rich family or not. Your eldest wasn't, your second son was.

That’s brilliant but your husband can’t make his parents feel a particular way.

I think perhaps you've been a little naive. I agree that both boys should be treated the same by your in-laws with regards to Birthday/Christmas present etc. It sounds as if this has also been so, but now your youngest son has reached 17, suddenly this has shifted. Your eldest isn't your in-law's biological grandchild, and they clearly don't see him in that light either. They are going to give inheritances, money and property to their grandchild, and that's sadly only your youngest. Your eldest has grandparents on his Dad's side and a Dad, it's not your husband or in-law's fault they aren't in the position to help financially. It's simply circumstances. Your in-law's aren't doing anything wrong here. I do understand why you're upset and I understand why your eldest would be disappointed, but it shouldn't have come as a surprise to you. Personally, I wouldn't be changing your Will's. Both children should be treated the same 50/50, because you love your boy's equally. It seems that you are perhaps expecting your husband to leave your eldest more, to counterbalance the money/property your youngest received by your in-laws. In short, No. Your husband shouldn't be treating the boys differently, and importantly he's willing to treat them both the same! Your husband could, if he wanted, change his Will, so only his son inherits and not your eldest, but he hasn't done this. If you need to blame someone, look at your ex, your eldest's Dad for not being a better Dad.

Only if she tells her DH she is changing her Will
I am a solicitor and have on several occasions changed a Will for one spouse

It must be hard for your eldest and hard for you to watch, but possibly more so because he is struggling at this point in his life and seems to not be on much of a path.

There can be an upside to having less handed to you in life... your achievements become your own, you learn that you can rely on yourself and piece together what support you do have.

His younger brother's seeming good fortune has got zero to do with how his life is going.
I would try and listen to how eldest son might be feeling about all this, without letting your thoughts and feelings be known. Life isn't fair, but if we dwell on that for too long instead of taking responsibility for the things we can control, that's when the real trouble sets in.

Your eldest isn't going to find success overnight, it will be a matter of one step at a step, like it is for many many young people.

Of course it's tough, and it is likely salt in the wound of not having his actual dad be there for him. That is likely the biggest wound, and this situation is just shining a light on that.

The dad has raised the boy since aged 3 he is his dad, just not his bio dad, the amount of people focused on blood is a little concerning

the grandparents thing is understandable but it’s ok for the mum and older son to be sad about it

No one is owed inheritance including bio relatives

there are things she can do to look after the older son to help him it just won’t be to the same level as the younger

In my experience the old saying’blood is thicker than water’ is very much to the fore when Wills are being made

Inheritance is promised or owed to no one and you cannot decide for the in laws their perception is naturally going to be different to yours.
Your partner cannot tell you what to do with your will if you choose to change it that's up to you