Different Dads Different Prospects

[DelaneyDonkey]

I have no idea what I even want out of this thread.

When I first met my in-laws not only was I pregnant with their grandson even though I had only known their son for a few months I also had a three year old in tow whose dad was completely uninterested. I was quite a catch as you can imagine.

I thought everything worked out reasonably well. We got married and settled down. Broadly speaking they treated both boys well and my eldest had come into the family at an age where he knew they weren’t his grandparents so subtle differences in their treatment were accepted.

Now 17 years later things are beginning to change massively. Eldest dropped out of uni and in and out of work through no fault of his own, just the way it is with that kind of work. While youngest has had driving lessons given to him by in-laws, a second hand car, a course paid for, enabling him to get a part-time job. He has been told he will be supported at uni.

My in-laws are very ordinary people, who have worked all their lives but in the 1980s FiL had an industrial accident and built up a little property portfolio. Last week, completely casually younger son said that one of these houses la will be transferred to him when he is 18 of months. Apparently the two cousins have had houses given to them as well.

Elder son just became mute.

Husband and I are having to pare everything back at the minute but he won’t approach his dad to ask what is going on.

Youngest has his head screwed on but it is as if he has everything handed him on a plate.

Our mortgaged house is worth about £300,000 but husband will not hear of adjusting our wills.

If you had asked me 18 years ago if I expected in-laws to treat them the same I would have said no, it wasn’t their duty but I am just beside myself at the inequality, I didn’t expect it.

It’s the curse of blended families.

Of course things like gifts of houses were never going to go to your elder child. Seems there has always been smaller differences even when young so it was always going to get worse when it came to big events and indeed inheritance.

and no your shared child shouldn’t get less from parents because of it.

Unfortunately there is always going to be a disparity between what they receive. It's not your youngest son's fault that the eldest's father isn't interested.
I can see why you feel it is unfair, as the mother of both tho. But isn't doesn't mean your in-laws should give your eldest son a house, or you should rewrite your will to favour your oldest over your youngest... That is a quick way to sow the seeds of discontent.

You shouldnt change your wills. That would be unfair. You should give more support and guidance to your oldest to get his life back on track.

youre not being unreasonable to be upset and feel sorry for your big son, but you are for wishing things were different. This is the sad reality that I’ll face if I’m lucky enough to find a great husband with a wealthy family too!
has your big boys dad been paying child maintenance for him? Cousk you try and save this amount now and ring fence it for your son so you can try and gift him some money when he is 30?

all you can do is use your ‘fun money’ to save for your son to try and equalize things a little bit.
you also need to talk to your little son about being sensitive and not boasting or upsetting your big son , as you what them to get on well and be each others support for life.

try and see it as though there were two brothers and one has a lottery win at 18 and buys a flat, the other brother didn’t get the lottery win so needs to save up / live with parents for longer wtc. You wouldn’t want these brothers to fall out they just have to learn to accept and live with the awkward reality.

Will your big son get anything from his dad or paternal grandparents?

I put YABU. I'm afraid it's part of the course of half siblings and different families on one side. I had a friend who was very bitter over her younger half sisters inheritance, to the point she stopped a relationship. She couldn't get past the disparity in inheritance and was very jealous. I didn't think it was the half sisters fault that she was born, and felt sorry their relationship ended.

I don't know how you manage it, and have no advice, I just think if you have kids with different partners then they often have different cards dealt to them.

You can also let your big son live with you to help save for a deposit or help him out with rent if you can afford to

The eldest hasn't really shown that the money would have been beneficial to him though has he, dropping out of work etc. Can you and your dh afford to get eldest driving lessons?

I appreciate its easy for me to say this but instead of comparing your two sons to each other, you should be comparing them to the rest of the teenagers of their age. The vast majority will not get driving lessons and a free house. So whilst it might feel like he's disadvantaged, he isn't, he's actually the normal one of the two. Hopefully the one with the house will recognise the privilege.

As for your son being in and out of work because 'that's how it is'. Have a think about that. He's dropped out of uni and cant hold a job down. He would benefit from some tough love and a kick up the arse, not a hand out.

It’s inevitable really isn’t it.

What can you do, as the person who can actually do something, to help your older son?

I don't have any practical advice OP (my sibling and I had different, but equally useless, dads; my children have a step-parent, but ages/timings mean there won't be any half-siblings for them), but I would also be gutted for your eldest. He was very young when you and your DP got together. Being gifted a house at a young age in this economy is transformative. I think I would have to do something to try to even things up a bit.

Unfortunately its just life. It could have been the other way round.. your eldest getting loads from his grandparents.

This is what happens when you blend families, unfortunately.

It’s not unusual, this is life.
he’s not their grandson.

"I was quite a catch as you can imagine."

I can't work out whether you really mean this, btw, but DP and I are both clear that my children are one of the best things I brought to our relationship. DP's family welcomed them with warmth and enthusiasm, too. No apologies for being 'spoilt goods' here.

Have you paid equally into the joint mortgage? Then your 50% is yours to distribute as you see fit in due course. It may sow seeds of discontent between your boys but depends if your husband plans to distribute his entire 50% to his biological son (which would be fair) or sees it as a family asset to be split 50:50 between them when the time comes.

there are some ways in which your FiL should treat them equally.

Birthday presents, Christmas presents, invitations to great grandma’s 90th.

but realistically he isn’t going to give a house to both of your children and this isn’t something you can ask of him.

don’t bother adjusting your wills, work out how you can support your eldest now. That might be being a guarantor, helping him with any issues (why is he losing jobs?)

aftrr you die is too late to sort this out.

Husband and I are having to pare everything back at the minute but he won’t approach his dad to ask what is going on.

It’s quite obvious what’s going on. Younger son is “blood” and the grandparents want to keep the wealth in the family by passing down property.

I understand why your older son was shocked but you took the gamble when you had more children and your younger child has benefitted from their support.

I think that changing your will would be a mistake. You love both boys equally so you shouldn’t punish the younger one for having supportive grandparents. In many blended families your half of the assets would be shared between your boys and your h’s assets would go to his boy. If your h is happy for the boys to get 50/50 rather then 25/75 then that’s already very fortunate.

OP that is really tough on you and your elder son. On the other hand it means at least one of your kids will be ok financially which is better than neither. If you want to give your elder son more inheritance potentially, then you absolutely can, as well as more financial help now. I would.

These are sad but inevitable consequences of blended families. The only person to really be angry at is the pathetic father of your eldest.

It’s hard but that’s how some blended families work

All you can do is make sure your two children get half of your estate.

I agree. It still could be down the line. Even from his feckless DF if he has anything to leave. What would your expectations be then - that your older DS should halve this with his half sibling?

I also think that it’s cutting deeper because of the mess your older DS finds himself in currently. Maybe you have some displaced / unconscious shame around that which you are projecting on to the inheritance situation instead of focusing 100% on older DS issues. Is there undiagnosed ND or MH issues? Addiction? Undisclosed / unresolved childhood trauma - that need exploring and supporting and are sabotaging his independence right now? Are you aware of any genetic issues from his DFa side of the family (ND, MH, addiction?) that may exist and may be coming through in your DS?

Maybe the GPs see your older DS as 'a bit of a waster' to use an unfortunate phrase. Dropping out of uni and no stable job makes it look as though he isn't helping himself as much as he might be. Is there no other training he could undertake to lead to a decent career and income?

Ah god, it’s like everything- there’s a way people think it’s all good to do things on paper, in real life it sucks!! Your poor son! I think it would show ginormous strength of character for your dh to figure out a way to do things differently but very few people are that good!!

You can do whatever you want with your will but can't honestly be expecting your husband to disadvantage his biological son to his step son advantage? And you may destroy your sons relationship after you are dead in the process, especially if not distributing inheritance equally comes as a surprise to them. Anyway who knows if there ll even be an inheritance, could all be gone on care home fees