Different Dads Different Prospects

[DelaneyDonkey]

I have no idea what I even want out of this thread.

When I first met my in-laws not only was I pregnant with their grandson even though I had only known their son for a few months I also had a three year old in tow whose dad was completely uninterested. I was quite a catch as you can imagine.

I thought everything worked out reasonably well. We got married and settled down. Broadly speaking they treated both boys well and my eldest had come into the family at an age where he knew they weren’t his grandparents so subtle differences in their treatment were accepted.

Now 17 years later things are beginning to change massively. Eldest dropped out of uni and in and out of work through no fault of his own, just the way it is with that kind of work. While youngest has had driving lessons given to him by in-laws, a second hand car, a course paid for, enabling him to get a part-time job. He has been told he will be supported at uni.

My in-laws are very ordinary people, who have worked all their lives but in the 1980s FiL had an industrial accident and built up a little property portfolio. Last week, completely casually younger son said that one of these houses la will be transferred to him when he is 18 of months. Apparently the two cousins have had houses given to them as well.

Elder son just became mute.

Husband and I are having to pare everything back at the minute but he won’t approach his dad to ask what is going on.

Youngest has his head screwed on but it is as if he has everything handed him on a plate.

Our mortgaged house is worth about £300,000 but husband will not hear of adjusting our wills.

If you had asked me 18 years ago if I expected in-laws to treat them the same I would have said no, it wasn’t their duty but I am just beside myself at the inequality, I didn’t expect it.

I am a GP of a 5 year old boy and he has 3 older siblings. When DS met his GF I welcomed them into the home with open arms. 2 years later GS was born. I treat them all the same when it comes to birthdays etc. I recently paid for all of them to fly over to our holiday home. However, they won’t be inheriting anything from me and nor will I give them financial support that I hope to give my GS as he gets older. I adore them all but it’s money that I have worked hard for and my parents before me. Having said that they wouldn’t expect anything different and certainly wouldn’t be upset. Hope this helps

The replies to this are almost uniformly horrible imo. People seem more interested in shaming the OP for daring to have a blended family, than showing any compassion to her older son who is going through something really tough. No I wouldn’t expect her PIL to give him a house, but it sounds like both they and the second son could do with being more tactful in terms of how they handle the inequality. It doesn’t take any emotional intelligence at all to know that it would be quite shocking and upsetting for older son to hear that younger son is being gifted a house when he won’t be, and the fact that younger son just casually announced it at the dinner table would make me worry that at best he’s being insensitive and at worst he might be actively bragging a bit. There were kinder ways to handle that and if he wants a good relationship with his brother he needs to recognise that the unearned privileges he’s getting come with some responsibilities to handle them gracefully. Yes the older son also has responsibilities to try not to be resentful, but it doesn’t sound like they’re making that very easy for him at the moment.

Personally if you know that your younger son will have had such a good financial leg up from his grandparents, I wouldn’t see it as ‘punishing’ him to try and even things out in terms of the inheritance you leave to your sons, and would want to let them both know now that’s what you will be doing. Why are people so upset at the idea of younger son being ‘punished’ by ‘only’ getting a free house and a car from his grandparents and not necessarily 50% of your money, but aren’t upset at the idea of your older son being ‘punished’ because his dad isn’t helping him out? I’d phrase it to your sons as, you love them both and want them both to have the best possible life, and as your younger son already has a house and car you’ll be leaving more to older son to contribute towards him also having those things. It’s about doing your best to get them to the same level, not about ‘punishing’ anyone.

Look at it from their side. This woman who has a child with a useless loser started dating their son and then immediately got pregnant. Their son is a good guy and stayed, the relationship worked out. But would it have worked out if she didn’t get pregnant right away?

Looks like she trapped their son. They don’t want to provide for the step child. A step chld who has dropped out of uni. It is what it is.

Wow - this is just dreadful to me.

‘this child’ as you put it has been part of that family for years. They’ve essentially helped raise him! How does that not count for anything? Doesn’t sound like he had another father figure does it? One would assume OPs husband took on that role, I don’t think this has even been respected by the in-laws - it should have been, taking on a child that isn’t yours and raising it is a wonderful thing to do.

you should also shove your hateful opinions of single mothers off this forum, disgusting.

I’d like to think if we ended up with ‘step’ grandchildren, we’d be generous with birthdays/christmas/etc, but expecting equal inheritance/house deposit type money is unrealistic OP. One DS is their grandchild, the other isn’t, unless of course they are multi millionaire type rich, I’d maybe cough up a house deposit in those circumstances!

If everyone on MN came on this thread to say your husband and his parents were being unreasonable, it wouldn't make a bit of real difference, beyond possibly encouraging you to dig in your heels and make things even worse. The fact of the matter is that you in-laws don't view your first son as their responsibility or the rightful inheritor of the fruits of their labours, and that's not surprising. It's also not surprising that your husband doesn't want to give his biological son less to make up the difference. All you can do is support both your sons to make the most of their lives.

I do think it would be good if you could help your first son with things like driving lessons, if he's interested and you can possibly afford it—anything that would help him get on his feet in a steady job—but I don't blame your husband for not wanting to change the will to favour one child over the other. And I think your son is right not to speak to your husband about it. It sounds like he's realistic, knows the score, and doesn't want to stir up discord when it won't do any good.

Your job was and is to foster closeness, fairness and advocacy between the two brothers growing up. If one gets training and gets a good job, he should be able to help his brother into the jobs market. If one has driving lessons he can help teach is brother to drive. If one gets a house, he can have his brother stay to save a deposit. You can't control the grandparents but you do have influence over your kids.

YAB massively U

YOU must treat your children equally, it's already more tricky for your husband, He could make a will favouring his own child, that's normal. Why should he split everything in half, when one is not his child? It's tricky for him.

Grand-parents don't have any responsibility whatsoever towards a child that has nothing to do with them. Of course you can't expect them to either exclude your child because he has a step-brother

or give a house to someone who is not family.

YOU seem very biased towards your first child, why do you accept that he doesn't even have a job, while resenting the other who does work?
Eldest dropped out of uni and in and out of work through no fault of his own, just the way it is with that kind of work. While youngest has had driving lessons given to him by in-laws, a second hand car, a course paid for, enabling him to get a part-time job.
if everything was given to him a plate like you said, the second wouldn't even bother to have a job.

You should be proud that he has a work ethic.

You should also push your first one to stop lazying around and do something.

YOU are not treating them equally, you make it sounds like number 1 is your favourite.

Absolutely. The entitlement of the posters who support the OP is off the charts.

This is all because of you OP.

You put your children in this position.

It's nobody elses fault but yours.

I can’t see anything unreasonable in what your in-laws are doing , your eldest son is not related to them so why would they give him a house / car etc all they are doing is treating all their grandchildren equally .

What do you mean 'my opinion of single mothers'? I don't have an opinion of 'single mothers'. I have an opinion of people who expect others to subsidise their own poor choices, whether that those others are the state or a step family.

Hear hear. I actually feel bad for both sons.

You’re completely absolving the older son’s Dad of any responsibility at all for his child’s wellbeing or upbringing. OP’s older son has two parents. One of them has stuck around, the OP. The other has buggered off. Interesting that you’re placing all the blame on the one who stuck around.

you are being ridiculous.
It's one thing to welcome a child, treat them equally and be kind to them.

It's another thing entirely to put them on your will!

If a mother decides to give less to one of her own children, and not treat them equally, she's a terrible mother.

I would have expected that from the biological DGP's. You should have prepared for this situation.

It was never going to be equal.
If you knew DC1 had a absent unsupportive, financially useless father, you needed to cushion him.

Blended families are very difficult.

Does the oldest son paternal grandparents or your parents give your son a nest egg.

“It’s quite obvious what’s going on. Younger son is “blood” and the grandparents want to keep the wealth in the family by passing down property.”

That what it comes down to.

Maybe it would have been kinder if they’d explained their intentions earlier, so you could have been putting money aside for a deposit for your younger son. Then it wouldn’t have been so much of a shock.

However, apart from these big ticket purchases, have they been generally fair over the years? Good grandparents to all?

I don't think you are unreasonable to feel that way, although it's obviously not your youngest fault (or your PILs).
You shouldn't change your will, but invest in your eldest son now. If he needs financial support to get back into education for instance, or driving lessons and help buying a car.

Did you get maintenance payments from the dad of the older one? What about his parents, are they not interested in knowing their grandson?

Yet you’ve said nothing at all about the older son’s biological Dad, he knows he has a son yet has left it completely to other people including the OP to raise and support him.

Your poor, poor DS1.

it’s so very well barking ‘suck it up’ but not only has he not had any hope of building a future, his relationship with his only sibling has been cracked too.

That’s huge. He must have been very saddened at what his so-called grandparents think too.

Life is unfair, but the horrifying realisation that your own family can be the most unfair of all its blows is hardly something to celebrate.

I’m a single mum of two kids I had in my twenties. When I split with their dad, I pretty much decided that I would not have more kids because I didn’t ever want any situation of inequality. Because it always happens.

If my kids ever end up with someone who already has kids, then I plan to treat them as my own grandkids. Because that’s my choice. But it is also a completely reasonable choice to treat them a little different in terms of large gifts and inheritance, like your husband’s parents are doing. Both choices are valid.

They don’t want to support your older son. And since he dropped out of uni and won’t get a proper job… well, he isn’t exactly showing himself in a great light. I’m not sure I’d want to support someone totally feckless like that.

You made the choice to have kids with different dads, and this is the sort of thing that can happen. It’s why I chose not to. I’m still very happy in a very fulfilling relationship now that my children are teenagers. I made the right choice for me. You made the right choice for you as you wanted more kids, but that means accepting the situation of inequality. You should have been doing all you could to provide him with driving lessons etc as you knew the grandparents would do it for your younger child.

Could you perhaps pay for driving lessons for the eldest? That would definitely help. I can’t imagine the youngest would be too bothered considering they can drive.

This is why split families don’t really work, the likelihood of having messed up adults who resent their sibling(s) because of the ‘unfairness’ is high and I say that as a step mum. For the people who grow up with absent paternal families that have to watch their siblings paternal family give them houses/cars/a leg up in life, it must be so bloody hard.

How am I being ridiculous?

how is it ridiculous to take a small child with no father figure and fully accept as as your own family? With no differences? Including inheritance.