Different Dads Different Prospects

[DelaneyDonkey]

I have no idea what I even want out of this thread.

When I first met my in-laws not only was I pregnant with their grandson even though I had only known their son for a few months I also had a three year old in tow whose dad was completely uninterested. I was quite a catch as you can imagine.

I thought everything worked out reasonably well. We got married and settled down. Broadly speaking they treated both boys well and my eldest had come into the family at an age where he knew they weren’t his grandparents so subtle differences in their treatment were accepted.

Now 17 years later things are beginning to change massively. Eldest dropped out of uni and in and out of work through no fault of his own, just the way it is with that kind of work. While youngest has had driving lessons given to him by in-laws, a second hand car, a course paid for, enabling him to get a part-time job. He has been told he will be supported at uni.

My in-laws are very ordinary people, who have worked all their lives but in the 1980s FiL had an industrial accident and built up a little property portfolio. Last week, completely casually younger son said that one of these houses la will be transferred to him when he is 18 of months. Apparently the two cousins have had houses given to them as well.

Elder son just became mute.

Husband and I are having to pare everything back at the minute but he won’t approach his dad to ask what is going on.

Youngest has his head screwed on but it is as if he has everything handed him on a plate.

Our mortgaged house is worth about £300,000 but husband will not hear of adjusting our wills.

If you had asked me 18 years ago if I expected in-laws to treat them the same I would have said no, it wasn’t their duty but I am just beside myself at the inequality, I didn’t expect it.

Can you not just talk to your DS's and then make a decision? I don't think this is the best place to ask about this sort of thing OP because these threads always go the same way.

Personally, I think it's very wrong of the GPs to do this....your son was three and has probably always felt a bit of an outsider so of course this is going to hurt him deeply. In my opinion if the GP's could afford it, they should be giving your son a house. Because it's the right thing to do. It's what a kind person with integrity would do. If they can't afford it, the next best thing to do would be to give your son some money.

It's hard when your DH is showing that he doesn't really care about your son, and by extension, you. I think the will ought to be changed at least a bit, but be revised over time if circumstances change. I don't think it should be evened out fully because that's not fair on younger DS, who would then be paying for the unethical manner in which his GP's are behaving.

But there's no point me saying all this because you can hardly use this thread as leverage.

Take on a part time job, provide driving lessons for DC1. Finance a small second hand car.
The rest he can work out himself.
I know many tradesmen pulling in over 100,000 a year, not counting cash in hand jobs, my friend a plumber can pull in 3000 a week.
He can earn while he trains.
Pay for a start up plumbing course if necessary.
I don't blame your husband for not changing the will. What do you want him to say to his father? how could he even consider questioning this?
If you haven't cushioned DS1, start now.

I agree with this.

if the grandparents were so hung up on the blood relations they really should have been more upfront earlier.

it was not unreasonable for OP to think DH would inherit and split more equally between the two boys.

I can understand your concerns. This is a really sad situation for the eldest. Accident of birth has dictated their life chances and was through no fault on his part. Equally the Grandparents are doing something incredible for their Grandson.
Your eldest needs a hand up too so you’ll need to find a way or make one to try and level the playing field. Could you downsize and raise enough via that and a lifetime ISA to help him get a foot on the property ladder? Giving eldest a bit more in wills I don’t think is wrong. It’s not punishing the youngest but taking into account his need is less. Just be open about it if you do. As it stands not only did your eldest not have support of paternal side of family he’s again likely been made to feel less than, ‘other’ and that imho needs addressed.

More upfront?? No, why would they need to discuss it. The DC isn't related to them, he has most likely been favourite of his DM.

What do you want to do?

If you want to level things, you don't need your husbands permission to change your will ir take out a loan. You can amend your will to make your eldest the sole beneficiary.

You can take out a loan for driving lessons, car and course fees.

There's not a lot more you can do.

You may find DH doesn't like it though and may tit for tat and leave everything to the youngest to counter it. He may do that anyway if you go first so consider how you are going to secure your eldest interest if you go first.

Your eldest son has two sets of biological Grandparents. Why didn’t you make sure he had a relationship with his Dads parents?

It is not your current husbands parents responsibility to financially support a person that isn’t their relative. If you were to split from your husband I doubt very much that your eldest would even see his parents again.

Also, if you eldest is in and out of work because of the specific job he’s after tell him to get one in another field. Money isn’t handed out on a plate.

Absolutely - kind in-laws with hearts would have accepted a 3 year old with no father figure as one of their own. Especially watching him grow up over the years.

would have been a complete different scenario if the eldest son had his own family to go to - but doesn’t sound like he has.

What you can do op ,to even things up
Is do a will by yourself,so everything you own and your half of the house ,goes to your eldest son ..I'm sure you've already done this anyway..but at least if you die first you know your son gets his half rather than your husband

I asked if OP had tried to get money from him, and if not, why not.

Looks like she trapped their son.

Poor grown man unable to put a condom on his own knob. Or, you know, just don’t have sex if you don’t want to face the possibility of being a father.

why do you expect them to "fully accept as your own family"? They don't have to, most people wouldn't.

I would be more than happy to host a friend of my kids, treat him like one of mine, pay for clubs, take him on holiday with us, basically treat him like a family member (I am thinking about my aunt who literally did just that for very good reasons) BUT no way would I put him on my will!

Same if my kid bring a boy/girlfriend with a child - I'll welcome the child, but no way would I put him on my will either.

We all make poor choices sometimes - that's part of being human. I suppose you're perfect are you? Anyway, I don't see why this was such a poor choice - it's just normal life.

Also, why should a child pay for a choice their parent made many years ago? It's ridiculous and you are very mean-spirited.

I feel for you OP, I would feel upset too. I’m sure you understand how this has happened but I’d feel upset anyway. In your shoes I would be looking to find ways to support my older son too, and explain why to the youngest.

"don't have sex if you don't want a child" applies to both you know..
I would keep quiet about that 😂

Money isn’t handed out on a plate.

It is if you’re OP’s younger son.

"don't have sex if you don't want a child" applies to both you know..

And yet the previous poster said OP ‘trapped’ her current husband implying that the poor man had no responsibility at all.

It's just the way things go. My half siblings have had million pound houses bought by their father, and have trust funds worth a couple of million each. My mother is just selling the flat that was my father's, she will divide it between her four children including the ones who have their houses and the trust funds. We will get 50k.

It's fair enough in my opinion. My father could have decided to give us some money, instead he gave it all to his subsequent 4 wives including the one he married just before he died who got everything that was in their joint names (ie everything bar the flat). Not my siblings' fault he didn't prioritize us. My mother is treating all her dc equally, which is fair.

what do you mean "his own family"? If the OP didn't tell him her current husband was not his dad, and her in-laws were not his grand-parents, it's on her!

has he not had any hope of building a future
He's not sick or injured, what's stopping him? His younger brother manages to have a part-time job, why can't he?

He desperately needs money for driving lessons? He has parents - instead of finding the funds for TWO set of driving lessons, the generosity of the grand-parents mean the OP only has to find ONE set of driving lesson, which is much easier for her.

Instead of ranting that she doesn't want to pay for anything for her kids and expect her in-laws to grab the bill, the OP should be grateful it relieves half her financial burden.

It doesn't mean she needs to start neglecting her youngest either!

and yet, he's the only one with a job, earning his own money, funny that.

His younger brother manages to have a part-time job, why can't he?

OP said that her younger son had been able to get a part-time job as a result of a course paid for by his grandparents.

I know people who have adopted children and some of the grandparents treat the adopted children differently to the biological grandchildren when it comes to gifts and financial support. I think it's very sad. In my head taking on a stepchild very young is adopting them into your family, if you do it legally or not. But some people are just obsessed with blood relatives and there's not really much you can do about it, sadly. You can write whatever you like in your will though, but your youngest might not appreciate that.

There are at least two threads running right now with the woman being “on the pill” but “messed it up” and got pregnant, after telling the man that it was all fine coz they were on the pill.

I’m an adult woman capable of managing contraception. If I make a decision with my partner to rely on hormonal contraception rather than a barrier method, then it would be my fault if I “messed it up” and got pregnant.

Obviously no idea about OP, but it isn’t always “well he should have worn a condom then” because sometimes, you’ve agreed on a method.

Maybe they didn’t know earlier. They hadn’t built their wealth to be able to decide what they wanted to do with it when OPs son was only three.

The responsibility to ensure that things were going to work out fairly for this boy did not belong to the potential step parents when op and her DH were thinking about marriage and another baby. It belonged to them. Op and her DH should have considered the high likelihood that one day there might be differences between the two children.

It was completely unreasonable for OP to expect that her oldest child would inherit from step grandparents. She says she didn’t expect that, but to expect her son to inherit as much as a house, car, driving lessons and uni help from her in laws would have been greedy and entitled.

It's of course a huge advantage in life to be given a house at 18, but you never know what advantages and disadvantages your children may encounter over the course of their lives. The eldest could marry someone wealthy or set up a successful business, the younger could squander the money from the house they were given (I wouldn't give an 18 year old their own house) or lose motivation to work hard due to be handed everything on a plate.

If I were you I'd have a chat with them both, make sure the youngest knows how lucky they are and sympathise with the eldest that life is often not fair, but emphasise that they can still make a comfortable life for themselves. I think you can give the eldest help with paying for things like driving lessons and some money towards a house deposit without upsetting the younger one, since he already has these things.