To have had enough of my friend

[Spiritofeden87]

Friend of 30 years.

She has repeatedly given me a list of her expectations from me - is always telling me what she thinks friendship should be. Has recently told me that I have not been sufficiently excited about her new house to meet her expectations.

Thing is - amongst her constantly telling me how I am not meeting her friend expectations, she’s been a terrible friend to me. Constantly critical of my life, my parenting, the things I do.

I am being ghosted at the moment for something - not quite sure yet as she hasn’t informed me what I have done wrong yet.

Aibu to have absolutely had a fucking gutful? I really have- I think I am a bit of a people pleaser but menopause has taken that a way- a lot.

She just makes me feel shit about myself and like I am waiting for the next list of things that haven’t met her expectations.

why would you let another person set friendship expectations for you to meet? You can never meet them as they hold all the cards and can move expectations as they see fit. That’s not friendship. You’re obviously a nicer person than me op, I’d have cut this dead weight lose a long time ago you need to take control here and move on with your life and don’t look back!

How the fuckety fuck have you managed to have a friendship with someone like this for 30 bloody years??! I'd have binned this bitch off at least two decades earlier.

and how your post helped the poster? So you have also friendships whose job is to manage their balls in the air to please you????

In no particular order:

• take control of the situation and block her
• please reflect on why it has taken you so long to realise what this relationship is
• I highly recommend adopting a Marie Kondo approach to life and friendships: does this spark joy? Say thank you for your service and let it go.
• I recommend reading nice girls don't get the corner office. It's about asserting yourself at work but I found it much more useful in other areas of life.

Get some proper help You've let the opinion of one person affect your entire life and this isn't normal. There must be a reason for it.

Here’s a message for you to copy, paste and send:
Dear Janice, glad you have got back in touch after my latest “misdemeanour”. The time out of contact has given me time to think and I have come to the realisation that you make me feel awful about myself purely for your own pleasure. You are a truly horrible person. Never, ever contact me again.

Aaaand block.

Thanks so much for all your messages - it’s really given me a lot to think about.

I haven’t heard from her! It’s given me space to really think and my main takeaway is definitely how much it’s affected my self esteem and confidence in a negative way!

I think she likes someone to bully - id ask the cheeky bitch why is she still friends with you if your such a disappointment!!!! Dump her!!! You deserve better x

just never reply or contact her ever again

I mean, just read your post back to yourself. If you still think this women is your friend, I feel very sorry for you. Who lets someone treat them like this? Please get some support to improve your self esteem.

I am saying this very bluntly, which is not normally my style when replying to posts. However, this friendship sounds abusive, and when abuse is involved I find that one needs to be 100% direct or the abused doesn’t listen.

Do walk away from her & don’t look back

She does sound awful, OP, but you clearly don't like her either and yet you've spent 30 years pretending that you do. That's not true friendship either.

30 years of people pleasing will be a hard habit to break but you need to try because you simply can't make true friends otherwise.

Is this friend Sheldon Cooper? You seem to have unwittingly entered into a relationship agreement.

Sounds awful. You're well rid. You deserve better!

Just block her and enjoy your peace.

It sounds like she’s bullying you, or coercing you into answering to her.

Tell her to shove her expectations up her hole and from now on you want to be friends with people whose expectations relate only to margaritas and cake.

I had a ‘friend’ like this. It was awful. It’s akin to the way people don’t leave a partner who is abusive…they chip away at your self esteem over time. It isn’t immediate. I’m fairly certain she wouldn’t have started like this in your ‘friendship’ but they have a way of doing it so sneakily you end up realising one day that it isn’t right. And you definitely shouldn’t be made to feel this way by a person who clearly has some deeply ingrained issues that she needs therapy for.

I snapped one day and replied to my ‘friend’s’ message in kind and never heard from her again. I don’t think she liked my new backbone and the shoe being on the other foot.

Delete her from your life and find someone who’s kind and empathetic.

FYI - It wasn’t immediate relief. I did feel a sense of ‘letting her down’ after years of psychological madness from her but after about six months, I realised how deep her bullying had gone and released myself from the anxiety of ‘disappointing’ her. Best thing I did.

If you're being ghosted, you should take that.as a blessing! Block her everywhere and find better friends!

Ive had a couple of friends like this, and it pushed me to the point where I behaved badly myself and burnt the bridges because I couldn't take it anymore.

Now, I'm relieved they aren't in my life. But I wish I'd had the courage to say something earlier and in a calm way, so please learn from my mistake!

Its tough because she's ground you down and it has likely affected your confidence. But dig deep and find that courage inside you to tell her this "friendship" is not serving you anymore. I am certain you won't regret it.

Yep tell her to fuck off.

She sounds jealous of you OP, that’s why she’s always trying to do you down. And a control freak. You sound lovely, you need to dump her, she’s dragging you down.

This ^

It never ceases to amaze me how many people on here remain friends for years with people they dislike and who make them feel miserable. Almost every post about friendship woes can be answered with “Just tell her/him to fuck off”, including this one.

Do you let everyone use you like a doormat or just this person ?

Tell her to get F*d and block her.

Tendencies? Doormat more like. You literally let her verbally and emotionally abuse you and keep coming back for more like a kicked puppy.

The first time a “friend” had given me a list of “expectations” I would have laughed in their face and told them to get to fuck. Friendship should be fun between equals, not a test.

You need to dump her and then do some serious work on your boundaries and self esteem.

You are under no obligation to be friends with her, sure it would be nice if all friendships lasted a lifetime but the reality is that many don't and that's ok. Your friend is responsible for her behaviour and if this friendship ends because of it then that's on her. Don't sit around and wait for her to change because it's highly unlikely to happen. I've been in the same situation myself and I wasted several years with this so-called friend of mine thinking she would improve her behaviour or stop doing the things she was doing but she never did, if anything she got worse and it finally pushed me to end the friendship and I haven't regretted it for a moment. You need to do what's right for you and your life.

Sounds like an abusive relationship type dynamic