To have had enough of my friend

[Spiritofeden87]

Friend of 30 years.

She has repeatedly given me a list of her expectations from me - is always telling me what she thinks friendship should be. Has recently told me that I have not been sufficiently excited about her new house to meet her expectations.

Thing is - amongst her constantly telling me how I am not meeting her friend expectations, she’s been a terrible friend to me. Constantly critical of my life, my parenting, the things I do.

I am being ghosted at the moment for something - not quite sure yet as she hasn’t informed me what I have done wrong yet.

Aibu to have absolutely had a fucking gutful? I really have- I think I am a bit of a people pleaser but menopause has taken that a way- a lot.

She just makes me feel shit about myself and like I am waiting for the next list of things that haven’t met her expectations.

You have given this woman a huge amount of power over you. That's a choice you made, and you could choose differently. She sounds abusive, she has routinely made you feel like shit about yourself because it suits her to have you in this position of confusion and believing that you have to "do better" to earn her approval.

Just walk away. It will be easy since she's currently ghosting you - you can just ghost her back and it's all done with.

Then do will be able to do other, more enjoyable things with the time and energy she was taking from you, and work out why you let someone treat you so badly for so long.

She sounds like a jobsworth. You are worth so much more. Go do your thing and just dump her. I dislike people like that who think they are worthy of a retinue of followers!

Have you got other friends? What are they like?

She sounds awful! But you have also realised that you are a people pleaser. That never works well for you or others. So put the effort into you now learning more about yourself, your own boundaries and how to love and take care of you. Then in future you will get better at realising who you open the door to in life

I have/had a friend like this.

She could be funny and interesting, but also very demanding in terms of contact. If I didn’t reply to messages quickly enough she’d get annoyed. I’m talking minutes.

Her usual thing was to send lots of long WhatsApp voice texts, and if I didn’t reply to them quickly she’d delete them all before I’d had a chance to listen to them, which I knew was a sign she was angry with me. She’d ask for relationship advice, then get annoyed if it wasn’t the advice she wanted. Then sometimes she’d go quiet for a few weeks, which I knew was a punishment if I’d not behaved as she wanted me to.

She stopped messaging me about 3 months ago. She’s angry about something but I have literally no idea what it is. This is the longest gap ever, and I’m past caring. She’s the one with the problem, not me. She has very few friends because she dumps anyone who doesn’t dance to her tune.

How have you endured this for 30 years?

I avoid these people like the fucking plague.

You see people like this on MN - they pop up on all the ‘my friend doesn’t respond quickly enough to my texts and I’m so desperately hurt and ruminatively rageful’ threads, as well as the ‘AIBU for confronting my selfish friend for dropping out of my hen do when her husband died in a car crash - she’s just a jealous bitch amirite’ threads.

People with these completely unhinged self-centred expectations are often amazingly effective at extracting endless time, energy, attention and consideration from people around them. But it’s never enough, because of the howling void in their soul.

They only ever feel vaguely OK and in control of themselves when they are policing everyone around them and making sure they’re taking up huge amounts of space in everyone’s minds.

The only way to shake them off is to cut contact completely, IME - they are remarkably persistent.

100%this. Waste no more time on this awful woman.

Get rid. I used to have a friend like this years ago and put up with it for years and years. I, like you, am a bit of a people pleaser and struggle doing or saying anything that I think will upset others but I finally had enough and told her that I wished her the best but felt we couldn’t be friends anymore. She was confused and surprised and then quite nasty but I was immediately relieved and haven’t missed her bullshit.

Oh my God! Are you friends with my former friend?! She behaved exactly like this! Honestly, I felt so much better after I dropped her. It was such a relief. All that stress and tension just gone!

Stopping being a people pleaser is hard but menopause certainly reduces the number of fucks available to be given!!

Next time she criticises say, You'll have to take me as you find me, if I'm not the friend you need right now then you should find another because I'm unlikely to change.

Let her be however she chooses to be (disappointed, critical, dissatisfied etc), let it wash over you and you continue being awesome (and make only as much effort as you feel the friendship is worth).

Mel Robbins 'Let Them' is basically menopausal 'don't give a fuck' in a shiny wrapper 😆

This. Life is too short to put up with people like this.

YABU. You should have stopped being friends with her years ago.

I would just ignore her and get on with your life.
She will be baffled you're not waiting for her to get in touch.

Bin. Her. Off. You don't need this in your life. My menopause mantra "if it doesn't spark joy....get rid".

Friends should leave you feeling good not this. She’s not a friend.

I have a friend like this. Total mood hoover. Jealousy is strong, can never be happy for me or my achievements and now I limit what I share because her negativity is not welcome.

id make the ghosting permanent

Tell her to get fucked and block. As a PP said, she sounds abusive. Why would you want to waste anymore time dealing with this?
You'll feel like a weight has been lifted once you've sacked her off (from a fellow people pleaser who recently escaped a similar situation)

I wouldn't even register with her about her list of complaints. Bugger that!

Just don't be available, ever. Sorry friend, I've got loads on all of a sudden, hope you're well. On repeat.

If you have mutual friends, family I’d back off her but not block but if you don’t just get rid of the ‘friendship’

Just block her. Ghost her back. If she does turn up one day after her messages don't go through, tell her you not longer want a friendship with her. Life is too short to be made to feel like that from someone who is supposed to care about you and your feelings.

I'm with this ^^.
Poor you 🤗

Jesus she sounds like she's giving you performance reviews as if she was employing you. Think about your life without her - is it better or worse? What does she bring to your life? If you're not seeing any positives just ignore her and don't see her again, or tell her that you don't want to continue the friendship- whatever works for you. Might also be worth having a bit of a think about why this occurred and why you put up with it for so long? (Not that it's your fault, she's responsible for being a cow, but it might help you spot it in others or have healthier boundaries with friends going forward)

She’s no friend. I’d be turning the ghosting around on her, permanently. Spending time with friends should boost your spirits, not leave you feeling put down.

What do4s she expect you to do jump up and dow with excitement she's moved house ?

She's over stayed and it's time to go

To cut a long story short, your friend is a narcissist. She screams coercive control and attention seeking. Cut her loose, honestly you don’t need that in your life.