Don't want to attend best friend's wedding...

[FrogInAHat23]

My best friend (we’ll call her F) of 25 years has decided to get romantically involved with the guy who is my boss and old school friend (we’ll call him M).
I tried to warn F initially about M – he’s got a strong (what I believe to be) narcissistic streak where he refuses to take responsibility or accountability when he’s in the wrong. He also needs to be seen as the smartest guy in the room. I’d butted up against this at work, and so had my colleagues, so much so that people had been talking to their union reps about him. He has a dictatorial management style and insists he knows best, and has made some really crappy decisions we have to live with. As you might expect, his behaviour at work put a huge strain on our friendship outside of it but I wasn’t surprised, since I’d seen this side of him before. I never wanted him involved in my work life – he took the position without me even knowing (I worked at the firm first).

F and M are about 2 years into their relationship now. M and I are no longer on good terms since he’s caused such chaos at work, but I did try and repair this rupture since F and I are friends. M and I ended up having an email exchange where he just blame-shifted, deflected, and essentially made me out to be the problem. I wasn’t surprised by this, unfortunately.

(This was ChatGPT’s assessment of his email:
"He is presenting himself as reasonable, willing, even patient while subtly painting you as the one who is overly critical, withholding, or unreasonable. It’s clever positioning — his words look conciliatory on the surface, but the subtext is that the problem lies with you and how you’re approaching him. He’s not meeting you in the middle, he’s more concerned with protecting his self-image than with genuinely understanding your perspective. There’s a thread of defensiveness and blame-shifting throughout.")

F really wants me at her small, intimate wedding. They’re not engaged yet, but she wants to get married and she's desperate for him to propose. She was bridesmaid at mine, and she wants me to be maid of honour; I’m her closest friend. I want her to be happy, and I have to trust she’s making the right decisions for herself romantically.

I know it’s only a day, but I’m not sure I can stomach it.

AIBU?

They aren’t even engaged, so I wouldn’t worry about a potential situation that might no arise

It's not about you.

YANBU to not feel comfortable about attending. YABU worrying about a hypothetical wedding where nobody is actually engaged yet.

The ChatGPT bit is bizarre. What was your actual exchange?

1. I wouldn’t panic as there’s no wedding or engagement in place
2. IF there ever was, you’d have to suck it up on this occasion or lose your best friend for life.

We had a conversation about this, where she asked me if I'd come to the wedding, be maid of honour etc. She seems to think engagement is imminent.

It could be years away or might not even happen so don’t give it another thought.

I should have said in my initial post - she actually asked me if I'd come to the wedding and be maid of honour. She's dead keen to get married, and seems to think he's going to pop the question any day now.

YANBU for feeling horrible about this, but your use of ChatGPT is worrying! Surely you can read the tone of an email without the help of AI? Is it worth the environmental impact to check every little thing?

They’re not engaged yet, but she wants to get married and she's desperate for him to propose.

Given there is no wedding, don't you think you're jumping the gun a bit?

You might be giving headspace to a situation that will never arise.

I understand that most of us do that to an extent - consider how we'll respond to a situation that hasn't yet occurred in anticipation but you'll have plenty of time to think about it once the engagement is announced.

He might have absolutely no intention of proposing ever and you're worrying about it now.

Be there for your friend. She will need you if / when this relationship goes wrong.

You're quite right, but she's desperate to have me there as maid of honour and I have to consider my feelings in this, too.

That's what I found odd. Can people not work out what someone is saying without asking AI anymore?

She seems to think he's planning something, which is why the conversation came up between us.

What a pointless thread. Your friend isn't getting married!

If it was me, I'd be there for my friend.

I personally couldn't give something that hasnt happened yet this much thought.

Strategically, I would. It helps to get on with the people you work with, and he can’t treat the maid of honour of his wedding too awfully!

Is there a reason you're ignoring the questions about your use of ChatGPT?

I know this might seem odd, but I am desperate not to fuck this up (my relationship with her) so felt the need to run it through AI to make sure I wasn't being the arsehole.

I have replied (above).

First of all, I think you're jumping the gun a bit. He hasn't even proposed yet! No point in worrying about something that may never happen.

However, if it does happen, and she invites you, I think you have to go. You don't mention anything about falling out with F over this, so I'm assuming you want to maintain your relationship with her, and if you decline, surely that will upset her. If she really is your best friend, I think you have to suck it up and ensure you're there for her in the future.

She thinks he's planning the engagement, and she's keen to plan the wedding, hence she brought up the conversation with me. She seems to think the proposal is imminent (next few months). I will have to give my answer at that point regarding the extent of my involvement.

This bloke is trying to gaslight the OP - of course she wants a second, neutral opinion - what's wrong with asking AI?

Sadly I think you do need to accept the invitation due to being best friends.

Come back to the thread when they’re actually engaged…. Or better yet, when they have actually set a date. This is worrying over absolutely nothing. They’ve only been together for 2 years. Lots of woman probably think they’re bf is going to propose and then don’t 😂