Don't want to attend best friend's wedding...

[FrogInAHat23]

My best friend (we’ll call her F) of 25 years has decided to get romantically involved with the guy who is my boss and old school friend (we’ll call him M).
I tried to warn F initially about M – he’s got a strong (what I believe to be) narcissistic streak where he refuses to take responsibility or accountability when he’s in the wrong. He also needs to be seen as the smartest guy in the room. I’d butted up against this at work, and so had my colleagues, so much so that people had been talking to their union reps about him. He has a dictatorial management style and insists he knows best, and has made some really crappy decisions we have to live with. As you might expect, his behaviour at work put a huge strain on our friendship outside of it but I wasn’t surprised, since I’d seen this side of him before. I never wanted him involved in my work life – he took the position without me even knowing (I worked at the firm first).

F and M are about 2 years into their relationship now. M and I are no longer on good terms since he’s caused such chaos at work, but I did try and repair this rupture since F and I are friends. M and I ended up having an email exchange where he just blame-shifted, deflected, and essentially made me out to be the problem. I wasn’t surprised by this, unfortunately.

(This was ChatGPT’s assessment of his email:
"He is presenting himself as reasonable, willing, even patient while subtly painting you as the one who is overly critical, withholding, or unreasonable. It’s clever positioning — his words look conciliatory on the surface, but the subtext is that the problem lies with you and how you’re approaching him. He’s not meeting you in the middle, he’s more concerned with protecting his self-image than with genuinely understanding your perspective. There’s a thread of defensiveness and blame-shifting throughout.")

F really wants me at her small, intimate wedding. They’re not engaged yet, but she wants to get married and she's desperate for him to propose. She was bridesmaid at mine, and she wants me to be maid of honour; I’m her closest friend. I want her to be happy, and I have to trust she’s making the right decisions for herself romantically.

I know it’s only a day, but I’m not sure I can stomach it.

AIBU?

It's not about making a point (as you say, fruitless - also not my place to do so), it's whether I can face going and pretending it's cool when he's been gaslighting me and making my work life a misery.

Finding another job might be hard but it's essential. Start looking now. You won't fully realise how damaging this environment is until you get out of it.

As for the wedding, cross that bridge when you come to it. In the meantime just give pleasant vague responses.

You need to put in the same boundaries with her.

She can't talk about him because it's about your work and his involvement in it.

Not sure what you will discuss, but it does sound like you'll keep your boss and lose your friend either way - until she comes to her senses anyway.

How is AI neutral?

It's not actually about my judgement of their relationship (I get why people might think that, on face value), it's about his gaslighting of me and complete lack of empathy regarding the work situation (I wasn't asking for anything to change in that regard, just understanding). He's treated me like crap and I feel very conflicted about being at the wedding.

Your use of AI is worrying
You have given your side of the story to a bot, who is now agreeing with you as it doesn't know the other side of the story.

Yeah this is honestly the crux of it, I think - she doesn't want to know what's going on with him at work (she's asked me not to talk about it). He's gaslit me and shown a total lack of empathy and accountability. This is about my relationship with him.

Well, at this stage, not knowing when any wedding might be, you just say "yes, sure". Then once a date is set you see how the land lies and make a decision.

I don't like my bf's husband, went to the wedding, have put up with him for twenty years, and they're in the process of splitting up now.

My oldest friend got into a similar relationship several years ago. She is wonderful and I honestly think he is one of the worst people I have ever met. I found their wedding very hard, but honestly he makes her happy and even though I don't understand it, I make a conscious effort to be happy for her.

I definitely think she married the one who asked, and not "the one", but it was her decision and I love her, so have to let them be.

I'd explain to her that you feel uncomfortable having such a big role at her wedding when you and her husband-to-be don't see eye to eye but that if she wants you to, then you will, because her friendship is the most important thing. Say that you would completely understand if she would rather have a maid of honour who likes and respects her future husband and who will be able to say genuinely warm things about him.

If you do end up accepting the role and have to make any speeches then I would keep it 100% about her, what a great friend she is, how you'll always be there and wishing her well for her future etc. If he makes any 'jokes' just rise above it and keep the peace for her big day.

Feel free to not go, but it would be the end of your friendship (understandably so, from your best friend’s point of view). And it’s not all about you anyway.

What would happen if you and F met up and you just unloaded - ignore her boundaries for once.
Spill your guts and tell her everything.

I know work would be bad (and that's a massive understatement) because of knobby M, but I don't see why she gets to tell you what you can and can't talk to her about.

She's supposed to be your friend. Friendships can't work if they're one-sided.

It might be moot anyway since M sounds like the sort that would make his proposal conditional on the friend not having OP as the MOH (or even in attendance). The friend has already been clear that she will pick M above the OP by the fact she will not discuss him or work. The friendship sounds like it's doomed whichever way to be honest.

Are you looking for a new job?

Given she's been so explicit about that boundary, I don't feel I can cross it. I once made the mistake of saying that M had "fucked up my career" (in those words) and she was livid (and very defensive of him). She has also admitted she's scared that we'll be less close as a result of her romantic relationship with him, but I'm okay with that (some space is probably wise). She's not okay with that, though - she's been very clingy and I think she's scared I'll distance myself a bit to protect myself from all this drama (I hate it).

FWIW I've spoken to a therapist about this, too, who thinks I should distance myself from them both.

Op everyone is telling you to attend the wedding - if it happens - because it is the right thing to do!

You have to go conflicted! Drink a strong gin, take off your professional hat, and put your friendship hat on!

If you desperately do not want to lose your friendship; it really is your only option.

Where weddings of close friends are concerned, it’s the wrong decision to refuse to do something because it will be uncomfortable for you! It’s their wedding day! This is about them!

Sorry but you have to suck it up. This is what being a friend means.

I've had a look but there's not much out there. Fortunately management have waded in to some degree to try and limit the damage he's doing. I'll still have to work with him at some point, though.

Hmm. I'm all for protecting your own peace but I think in this instance, the (so far ficticious) wedding is seperate to your working relationship with him. I don't see that accepting her request would signify anything to do with your position on how he is as a boss. It's putting that aside to prioritise your friend on her wedding day.

I do sympathise with how you feel about it.

They're not engaged. She desperately wants him to propose, maybe, but is there even any sign of that? It's far too soon to be worrying about how you diplomatically decline the offer of being her maid of honour.

Given your genuine and it seems well-founded dislike of this man, wouldn't it be better to work out how to phrase "if you marry him I will believe you to be an emotionally blind idiot and I will have nothing to do with it" nicely?

Then don’t go. You have a good reason. If mutual friends ask why, you can say that you have a difficult work relationship with M and would not feel comfortable.
The fact that you dislike him so much will impact your relationship with your friend whether you go to her wedding or not.

Short of marching up to a complete stranger and asking them to review the email, any human the OP asks is likely to be biased in her favour.

I think you need to give yourself some breathing space from her and decide whether you want to continue with the friendship.

She's not listening to your warning - she's essentially put her fingers in her ears and is singing "la la la la" as loud as possible.

Her reaction to your work issues are not those of a friend.

Take some time away from the drama.

Make the decision that is right for YOU.

You don't want to look in the mirror and see yourself with Donkey ears and the word ASS written on there forehead.

I have three female friends that I love like sisters.

Over the years I have watched them from unfortunate relationships with all kinds of dickheads (male and female) and stood by them - and they have done the same to me.

We don't lie to each other - I was absolutely clear that they all thought my recent ex was controlling and emotionally manipulative (though they didn't condemn him out of hand, and would also tell me if they thought my behaviour towards him was ever unfair). And I have always done the same for them - if I think their partners are dicks, I absolutely call it, but at the same time I am honest with them on the occasions I think they are over reacting, being unfair etc.

The one thing I have always been united on with all three of them is that we will all absolutely dance at each others' weddings, however much of a mistake we think the marriage is.

Because it's not life or death (usually). People contract stupid marriages sometimes - they don't have to lash forever. If my friend is convinced enough in the moment that this is the person she wants to marry, I am going to be with her for that on her special day, and try my best to be happy for her. (While also doing what I do every time someone close to me gets married - i speak to them the night before and say that, if they change their mind, I will help them get away somewhere and then go to the wedding myself and explain it's not happening, speak to the fiancé on their behalf etc - the equivalent of driving the get away car.

(This is important to me because my first wedding was a mistake and I realise it the night before, told the people closest for me but they talked me into it when they should have been talking me out of it. I don't blame them, but I will never do that to anybody else.)

In short, tell your friend what you think of her partner, but go to the wedding anyway and try to be happy for her. It's not the end of the world, even if he is a dick. She isn't the first woman to marry a dick and she won't be the last. Most of us survive it.

I think that regardless of whether they get married or not, you should pull away from them. It is sad to lose a friend but far worse to be in a situation when you have problems, work or otherwise, with her DP/DH.
I think you don't say anything....just stop being available to her....and when/if they get engaged, just say that you feel that you cannot be her maid of honour when you are uncertain about the wedding.
In the meantime I would try and move department, job etc so that you don't have contact with him.