Don't want to attend best friend's wedding...

[FrogInAHat23]

My best friend (we’ll call her F) of 25 years has decided to get romantically involved with the guy who is my boss and old school friend (we’ll call him M).
I tried to warn F initially about M – he’s got a strong (what I believe to be) narcissistic streak where he refuses to take responsibility or accountability when he’s in the wrong. He also needs to be seen as the smartest guy in the room. I’d butted up against this at work, and so had my colleagues, so much so that people had been talking to their union reps about him. He has a dictatorial management style and insists he knows best, and has made some really crappy decisions we have to live with. As you might expect, his behaviour at work put a huge strain on our friendship outside of it but I wasn’t surprised, since I’d seen this side of him before. I never wanted him involved in my work life – he took the position without me even knowing (I worked at the firm first).

F and M are about 2 years into their relationship now. M and I are no longer on good terms since he’s caused such chaos at work, but I did try and repair this rupture since F and I are friends. M and I ended up having an email exchange where he just blame-shifted, deflected, and essentially made me out to be the problem. I wasn’t surprised by this, unfortunately.

(This was ChatGPT’s assessment of his email:
"He is presenting himself as reasonable, willing, even patient while subtly painting you as the one who is overly critical, withholding, or unreasonable. It’s clever positioning — his words look conciliatory on the surface, but the subtext is that the problem lies with you and how you’re approaching him. He’s not meeting you in the middle, he’s more concerned with protecting his self-image than with genuinely understanding your perspective. There’s a thread of defensiveness and blame-shifting throughout.")

F really wants me at her small, intimate wedding. They’re not engaged yet, but she wants to get married and she's desperate for him to propose. She was bridesmaid at mine, and she wants me to be maid of honour; I’m her closest friend. I want her to be happy, and I have to trust she’s making the right decisions for herself romantically.

I know it’s only a day, but I’m not sure I can stomach it.

AIBU?

He has actually said quite the opposite...

I understand OP. If my best friend of 50 years decides to marry the cunt she lives with, I won’t be there, sadly.

Is it not about her? I thought it was a thread about being in a potentially sticky situation with a friend and OPs tricky boss and how OP should deal with it?

...or she doesn't agree that he's an arsehole (obviously).

Woah...abuse? The OP has said that her boss made a "dictatorial decision". i.e. her boss made a decision that she doesn't like and is implementing that decision. That is entirely appropriate in the workplace. A boss making a decision and assigning work is exactly what should happen. It sounds like the "gaslighting" the OP is referring to really means a different perspective on a situation. Is the OP "gaslighting" her boss by similarly disagreeing with his perspective?

It can if you prompt it correctly. Most people who say AI 'can't do' this, that or the other simply need to learn how to prompt-engineer.

I've turned down wedding invitations in the past when I didn't feel right about the person my friend was marrying - in both cases the marriage didn't last. BUT if this is your best friend and she wants you to be bridesmaid/maid of honour then that's different. I would do it for her, for your friendship. It's hard on you because you have to deal with him in the personal sphere as well as at work. But it's not the end of the world. I think it would cause more problems to turn the invitation down and try to explain to your friend why.

OP. Before it even gets to wedding stage, what kinds of conversations have you had with BF re this toxic man? I know it is hard to get involved in another's choices, but I would gently be mentioning the negative stuff about him. If she still goes ahead then you can only be there, but don't let it affect your own wellbeing as you say. Good luck. (I have a BF of 40 years and she had repeat abusive partners. Thankfully she eventually found a good one and married him. But it was tough to watch all those earlier years.)

I think you have to mentally take him out of the equation and view it as solely 'her' wedding. So be there for your friend in whatever capacity she needs. Don't give M any opportunity to paint you as the bad guy to your friend. Don't be drawn into any deep conversations about him - treat him as if he is purely your mate's boyfriend and as if there's no history.
Once you get that degree of separation things might be easier between you and M - but you won't change him, the best you can do is to focus on your own job as much as possible and take him out of the equation emotionally. If he's a terrible boss and others are going to HR, then this is a situation which might resolve itself eventually. Is it possible to transfer to a different dept on the grounds that you know each other personally?
It's tough when you know a good friend's partner is an arse, but keep your eye on the prize, which is your 25 year friendship and don't let him tank that for you!

This is not an issue. She isn’t even engaged to him, there is no wedding. Get a grip.

It cannot give an "unbiased opinion". It is simply a large language model that will give you whatever answer you prompt it to.

Now i have a question.
Who is supposed to get a grip?
The friend who is asking the OP if she’ll be her MOH at her wedding, even though her partner hasn’t even proposed yet?
Or the OP who is trying to truthfully and or tactfully answer a question from her friend about being her MOH?

Tbh I can’t see how telling the OP ‘to get a grip’ is going to help. Unless you’re advocating for the OP to tell her friend to ‘get a grip. He hasn’t proposed yet. Theres no wedding’ and ignore the question??
Or to say ‘yay yay of course’, future faking to her friend whilst hoping there will be no wedding?

I'd suggest learning more about the capabilities of AI and how it works - you can then build your prompt engineering skills and hopefully get it to do what you need it to do, with a little practice.

She sounds extremely insecure OP, perfect fodder for a narcissist. Personally I wouldn't worry too much about having to distance yourself from her, I expect he'll be quietly doing that work for you. You might find that if they do marry that she starts to fade from the group too - unless he's already inserted himself in it and made himself popular, narcissists can be extremely charming.

I wouldn't make any rash moves, it's quite possible that the engagement is all in her head and he's just leading her up the garden path. Bide your time and keep the bigger picture in mind.

I'm genuinely embarrassed for you 😬

It's a large language model, it can only respond to prompts. It can't be "unbiased" or "reasonable".

Agreed. Honestly hate it whenever ChatGPT is involved…. Come to your own conclusion!

I would be focusing on the bigger problem which is your work situation. It’s probably time to look for a new job.

We split up for different reasons before the wedding ( not abuse or cheating) but my best friend told me she wouldn't be my bridesmaid anymore due to her feelings about my then fiance, a year before the wedding. I was pregnant then and it felt like a complete betrayal. She was very toxic in other ways , so our friendship didn't survive but this was one of the first warning signs of her behaviour. On someone else's wedding day, especially as a best friend you need to suck up your feelings or you are an AH.

If this really has deliberately ruined your career and made you out to be the problem when he's shit at his job, I wouldn't be maid of honour at his wedding.

It would be totally disingenuous and there would be a horrible tension on the day. Tell her now, explain why and wish her very well but know that your friendship probably won't recover.

Weird thread imo.

You dont like your boss and the way hes running the project. Although you continue to work for him.

You've labelled him a narcissist(whatever that means anymore) and dictator.

You've backed up your opinion by providing 'evidence' from chatGPT.

He has been labelled toxic and abusive and an asshole here, based on very little actual substance. You've successfully convinced most of the posters here that yanbu.

Your friend is imagining a wedding based on conversations shes had with her boyfriend. Not unusual.

This is a thread where I'd really love to hear the other side. I'd also like to know how old you both are.

Exactly. Why are we judging this man based on the opinion of chatGPT?

I think you need to keep everything with work in writing and copying in HR as thou shouldn’t be made to put up with this shit from him and finally it’s abuse from him just to keep the peace!!!

What ia that this guy has said or done that makes you think he's an asshole?

Does your friend know that your relationship with her partner has broken down? I think it's odd for her to ask if she knows.

Assuming she doesn't, I'd be MOH to maintain the friendship. If you're doing a speech it's just about her, not him, so no problem there. Grit your teeth, be happy for her and be there if/when it falls apart.

AI is not neutral. It likes to support the agenda of the questioner.