Don't want to attend best friend's wedding...

[FrogInAHat23]

My best friend (we’ll call her F) of 25 years has decided to get romantically involved with the guy who is my boss and old school friend (we’ll call him M).
I tried to warn F initially about M – he’s got a strong (what I believe to be) narcissistic streak where he refuses to take responsibility or accountability when he’s in the wrong. He also needs to be seen as the smartest guy in the room. I’d butted up against this at work, and so had my colleagues, so much so that people had been talking to their union reps about him. He has a dictatorial management style and insists he knows best, and has made some really crappy decisions we have to live with. As you might expect, his behaviour at work put a huge strain on our friendship outside of it but I wasn’t surprised, since I’d seen this side of him before. I never wanted him involved in my work life – he took the position without me even knowing (I worked at the firm first).

F and M are about 2 years into their relationship now. M and I are no longer on good terms since he’s caused such chaos at work, but I did try and repair this rupture since F and I are friends. M and I ended up having an email exchange where he just blame-shifted, deflected, and essentially made me out to be the problem. I wasn’t surprised by this, unfortunately.

(This was ChatGPT’s assessment of his email:
"He is presenting himself as reasonable, willing, even patient while subtly painting you as the one who is overly critical, withholding, or unreasonable. It’s clever positioning — his words look conciliatory on the surface, but the subtext is that the problem lies with you and how you’re approaching him. He’s not meeting you in the middle, he’s more concerned with protecting his self-image than with genuinely understanding your perspective. There’s a thread of defensiveness and blame-shifting throughout.")

F really wants me at her small, intimate wedding. They’re not engaged yet, but she wants to get married and she's desperate for him to propose. She was bridesmaid at mine, and she wants me to be maid of honour; I’m her closest friend. I want her to be happy, and I have to trust she’s making the right decisions for herself romantically.

I know it’s only a day, but I’m not sure I can stomach it.

AIBU?

She's already told me she wants me to be maid of honour, this isn't a hypothetical situation. I didn't commit to that, but I did (under duress) say I'd go to the wedding.

Just because you don't get on with the man doesn't mean your friend's experience is the same. Lots of people are knobs at work but totally different with their partner and family

If things are that bad between you and F then you’ll lose the friend anyway if they get married. For now say yes to the wedding plans and keep the friend, but if the plans become reality say no and walk away.

I think you're right. She's desperate for this not to impact our relationship, but it already has. She's been super clingy lately, wanting to meet up all the time, and I've been going along with it but have felt like I've had to walk on eggshells the whole time.

Surely it must be a hypothetical situation until there is at least a prospect of a proposal?

Do you think it likely that he will propose marriage to her?

I can understand that you want to be kind and you don't want to exacerbate any conflict between you and your friend over this; but you do owe it to her to be truthful and the truth is that if she marries a man you understandably can't bear it is going to affect your friendship.

Sadly, actually, I think it already has, hasn't it?

Yeah. I think you can see where this is going.
I think you just needed some reassurance that you were right.

You need to become much less available.

Put yourself first.

I agree with this ^

Op I don’t think this is really about the hypothetical wedding really is it?

It’s about whether you want to continue the friendship at all but you can’t perhaps bring yourself to admit that just at this moment,

I mean there would be integrity in saying to an old friend’s face, “look, I love you and wish the very best for you and all the happiness in the world, but your life is about to change and for as long as you are with X then, for reasons we can’t discuss, I feel that I cannot in all honesty continue our relationship, I’m
so sorry. But if you ever need me in an emergency you know I would be there for you”.

Something like that?

You're right - it has. And I think (after a lot of therapy) I'm at peace with that (as much as one can be - there's been a lot of grief to process) she's not there yet.

Slightly off track: Are your employers doing anything to support you? Do they know there is a problem?

Thank you ❤

They aren’t engaged. He sounds like the sort of asshole who will string her along with false promises and then cut and run for a new model when he gets bored. But I’d be really honest with her now. Enlist other friends to independently do the same. Tell her he’s mean and selfish and a twat and she can do better. Only see her alone. Refuse to engage with arguments about him. If she asks you to be in the wedding, explain honestly and kindly why you don’t feel right supporting the marriage because you know she deserves better.

I can understand your concern. If you value your friendship, then you paint a smile on your face, grin and bare the day, for her sake. You don't have to like her choice in partner, and in secret you can throw darts at his effigy but keep your responses regarding him neutral and be polite towards him. If your friend ends up with the proposal she so desperately wants, and marries this man - there may come a point when she needs your support and friendship. They've almost broken up before due to his behaviour, so this isn't exactly the best omen for the future. I'd be looking for a new job too, because he sounds like an arse! For now, don't worry about a proposal that hasn't happened, and may not happen! Cross that bridge when you get to it!

If your adult child wanted to marry someone you didn’t like would you refuse to go to the wedding? Probably not - you’d put a smile on and be there if/when it goes tuts up because that’s what parents do. This situation is analogous I feel - you love your friend so you do what it takes to make her happy and feel supported, and you maintain the relationship for good times and bad. (I’d also be moving jobs, all sounds far too close to home!)

The situation is changing somewhat, but ultimately they've said we have to go along with his dictatorial approach and decisions because it's too late to back out of the project now. So no, no support I would say. It's been horribly stressful.

I totally get that it's a hard job market. But I would put everything you have into getting a new job.

You might find you dont need the therapy then.

Urgh, I think you're right. It's so much drama, and I don't want to have to deal with it. And I know there will be drama on the wedding day, too (she caused drama at my wedding, and in retrospect I think she was uncomfortable not being the centre of attention). I don't want to be part of this circus anymore.

I just know that not being friends with her will be difficult because she's part of my friendship group and we go on holiday together. It will mean not being a part of that, too, which I would be really sad about. It'd be very isolating, I think, and I don't think other people would understand. I'd definitely look like the villain, but I guess I have to be okay with that.

From what you say OP, they’re 2 years into a relationship and she is desperate for him to propose. She’s planning the wedding and they aren’t even engaged??? Sounds like he could potentially be stringing her along and has no intention of putting a ring on it. In that scenario, be there for your friend, don’t gloat, don’t say ‘I told you so’…….be a friend. And you won’t have to attend the wedding.

Your best friends wedding is about her. Its her day. You are happy because she’s happy,
It’s not about your feelings towards your boss. You can leave your job, he can leave his job. Then he’s just a tool who’s married your friend. Which is her choice.

Hypothetically how would you feel if he made sure you didn’t get an invite because he doesn’t like you?

I would be relieved not to get an invite. But he's already said he thinks I should be there, as her best friend, so I will look like the villain if I don't go.

I would imagine he wouldn't be thrilled about having you at his intimate wedding either! This is such a weird post. They're not even engaged. And who asks Chat GPT to analyse their work argument??

What do you mean YOU can’t stomach it? You are not marrying him and are coming across as narcissistic yourself.

This is not about you and your opinion of him.

Keep quiet, smile and be happy if she is happy. If you are right and he turns out to be a monster she will need her closest friends.

This is a hard one. She's knows he's an arsehole and doesn't want to hear it.

Sounds like you're friendship will be rather doomed long term anyway. So do you want to suck it up and engage in slow fade, or get it over a done with by telling her no?

The work situation complicates things though.

Attending what wedding? They aren’t engaged?

They're not, but she's already asked me if I'd attend and she wants me to be maid of honour.

You’re putting the horse before the cart. This as yet a purely hypothetical wedding. It may never happen.