Don't want to attend best friend's wedding...

[FrogInAHat23]

My best friend (we’ll call her F) of 25 years has decided to get romantically involved with the guy who is my boss and old school friend (we’ll call him M).
I tried to warn F initially about M – he’s got a strong (what I believe to be) narcissistic streak where he refuses to take responsibility or accountability when he’s in the wrong. He also needs to be seen as the smartest guy in the room. I’d butted up against this at work, and so had my colleagues, so much so that people had been talking to their union reps about him. He has a dictatorial management style and insists he knows best, and has made some really crappy decisions we have to live with. As you might expect, his behaviour at work put a huge strain on our friendship outside of it but I wasn’t surprised, since I’d seen this side of him before. I never wanted him involved in my work life – he took the position without me even knowing (I worked at the firm first).

F and M are about 2 years into their relationship now. M and I are no longer on good terms since he’s caused such chaos at work, but I did try and repair this rupture since F and I are friends. M and I ended up having an email exchange where he just blame-shifted, deflected, and essentially made me out to be the problem. I wasn’t surprised by this, unfortunately.

(This was ChatGPT’s assessment of his email:
"He is presenting himself as reasonable, willing, even patient while subtly painting you as the one who is overly critical, withholding, or unreasonable. It’s clever positioning — his words look conciliatory on the surface, but the subtext is that the problem lies with you and how you’re approaching him. He’s not meeting you in the middle, he’s more concerned with protecting his self-image than with genuinely understanding your perspective. There’s a thread of defensiveness and blame-shifting throughout.")

F really wants me at her small, intimate wedding. They’re not engaged yet, but she wants to get married and she's desperate for him to propose. She was bridesmaid at mine, and she wants me to be maid of honour; I’m her closest friend. I want her to be happy, and I have to trust she’s making the right decisions for herself romantically.

I know it’s only a day, but I’m not sure I can stomach it.

AIBU?

If your reluctance to go is because you think she is marrying the wrong person and you want to make your feelings known by boycotting the wedding I think that would be a mistake. It might end your friendship and would make you look as arrogant as he is in that you’d be kind of insisting that you know best. You can’t do that with friends if you want to keep them.

If it’s because you can’t stomach being around him for the day, bear in mind the bride and groom are going to be very busy and will spend little time with each guest. As you and M are essentially colleagues now rather than friends, uneasy colleagues, he is unlikely to give you much time and will concentrate on his friends and family.

I would go and celebrate F’s wedding. It’s a one off and missing it is not something you can make up to her later.

My friend has explicitly asked I don't talk to her about it, because it makes her feel defensive. I have respected that boundary.

He has displayed this behaviour towards her, and she nearly ended the relationship over it.

They may never marry. I’m sure your friend knows your opinion of M so best butt out now and let her make her own decisions. M must know you dislike him so he may ask not to have you in the wedding party anyway, if the time ever comes.

Through me - we share a mutual hobby and they both attended a big birthday bash of mine.

My (now) husband and I, worked together through Dating /Engaged / first married. At the same Org in a Customer / Supplier relationship… we had some big old fall-outs at work, but never brought it home.

You have to learn to draw boundaries between Work and Home … this is completly in your control.

All you issues are about work, nothing about his relationship with your friend.

He doesn't sound like the type to propose so I shouldn't worry. o

It's definitely not about boycotting the wedding - it's her decision (to marry him), and I have to trust her judgement (even if I don't agree). It's not for me to be overbearing about her relationship choices (even if I wish she'd picked someone else).

I don't want to go because I know it'll be super uncomfortable. It's not a big wedding, either - they only have a handful of friends between them so it'd be an intimate affair (maybe 15 people?), and everyone there knows we've fallen out. I think it has the potential to be really awkward and I don't want to be put in a position where I have to pretend things are okay between him and I when they're not. I also don't trust him not to say something disparaging about me under the guise of it being 'a joke'.

I'd be looking for a new job, or at least a move away from M at your current employer (if pos). He sounds like a complete PITA with or without the relationship with F.

I know you said you tried to warn F initially...have you followed that with anything more?

If you really can't stand M and think that F will be stuck in a shitty marriage, I think you'll need a very frank discussion - and you'll probably lose the friendship. BUT be careful that M doesn't retaliate at work when you upset F.

I have a really bad poker face, so in your shoes F would know I despised M already. No way could I ponce around in a frock and celebrate her marrying a prick without her knowing my opinion of him - and her, tbh.

I think he will propose, given he manipulated to get her back.

If only he hadn’t attended!

Is he still your boss?

If it happens you'll have to weigh up if you’re willing to lose your friend over it, then you’ll have your answer.

I would attend. I'd do it to support my best friend, and he also won't be horrible to you on the day. You've told her about him so she knows you're not crazy about him. It's one day for the person you say is your best friend in the world.

He's actually made a big deal (according to F) about not wanting to come between F and I, and made a joke about not attending his own wedding so that I could be there. Which sounds harmless enough, but it means if I don't go, it'll be on me and I'm likely to be painted as the unreasonable one.

It's awful when someone you care about starts a relationship with a person that isn't really right for them, but it's not your call to make. She thinks he's going to propose but lots of women have thought that about their boyfriends, even when it's gone on for years. It might not happen.

If it does, all you can do is... nothing. If you say anything that even hints at your belief that it's a mistake, you'll lose your friend. Might as well try to empty the ocean with a teaspoon as argue with a lover.

No, I didn't follow up because she gets very defensive if I mention anything, and she's made it clear she's made her decision in relation to him. She's explicitly put a boundary in place and has asked me not to talk to her about my work life and his involvement in it. I think she's in denial tbh - if my closest friend (who I trusted) had a falling out with my partner (someone she's known for many years) that would be a considerable red flag.

I assume she's happy with him, since she's not said otherwise. I know they've had their issues (she's threatened to leave him more than once, started packing her bags etc) but she describes the relationship as "stable" now.

Given the mutual Dislike, I suspect he will
Subtly guide your friend away from you being MOH when the time comes.

Honestly theres not much you can do about this OP. There’s no value in refusing to be part of the wedding just to make a point which you have already made . If you can’t stomach it and need to refuse, they will know why and have whatever feelings they have about it, as will your mutual friends.

Yes, sadly - he has a big influence in my work life and I've contemplated leaving my job over it (as have several other colleagues). But I've worked at the firm for years, and finding another job would be hard, so it's not a decision to take lightly. I feel quite stuck.

So anyone that didn’t back up or want to defend me as their friend or even be there as a shoulder or a sounding board …isn’t a friend at all!! I’d point out to her that you could actually do with her emotional support and backup with work stuff and if she loves this arsehole that much then what is happening at work with him treating her best friend like shit she will be able to be impartial?!

So what response did you give her when she asked you these questions? He may not be the marrying kind.

I’d go. You’re not there for him but for her. If he treats her well and they are happy then it’s just a case of he’s a arse at work. Not that you should have to as you worker there first, but I would try and get another job and then just interact with him as your friends other half/husband when that time comes.

I said yes (to attending her wedding) at the time, because she was quite adamant. I'm a recovering people-pleaser, so didn't really consider myself when I said yes, but now I'm dreading it (and they're not even engaged yet). I think if it's a big wedding (highly unlikely, since they don't have many friends and family) I could attend and blend into the background, but it's likely to be a small, intimate affair.

You should go, because if you don't you will damage your friendship. She obviously doesn't see M in the same way you do otherwise she wouldn't want to marry him, and she is likely to be very hurt by your absence.

Yes, obviously you must go for her.