To not allow any more nappies on my 3yo?

[rose88xx]

My DS is 3 but young for his year group (summer birthday) and is not yet potty trained. We had started to make some progress before my DD (8mo) came along, but I was advised by my health visitor not to push it in case he associated it with my daughter and it caused any resentment (she has nappies why can’t I etc). Anyway we waited for a few months and then continued, fairly softly approach with lots of offering the potty and encouragement. At this point he is entirely aware of what he is doing, capable of ‘holding it’ etc, and we have had periods where the potty or toilet was used almost exclusively for a day or two. But recently he has gone totally backward. I get the impression the novelty has worn off and he prefers the convenience of nappies. I think he is the last child in his nursery group and friends in nappies, and a lot of the others have been out of them for up to a year or more.
Anyway my AIBU is that tonight I totally lost my temper with him over this. We had gone to the park after nursery pick up and he had obviously done a no2 at some point without me noticing when he was playing. I realised when we were leaving due to smell and some leakage on his trousers. Also important to note he gets awful nappy rash, has very sensitive skin. I have told him over and over to tell me when he has a dirty nappy so I can change it quickly and he won’t get sore, and of course stressed that he won’t get a sore bum anymore if he uses the potty. We got home from the park and as soon as I started to change him he was screaming bloody murder over his sore bum. It gets so bad he can’t even wash because of the water. Anyway, I basically lost my temper and shouted ‘shut up, this is your fault for not telling me when you needed your nappy changed’ and I said ‘no more nappies after this!’ And I put pants on him. Of course i know I shouldn’t have lost my temper, it is the worse thing I have ever said or done to him and I feel awful. but it is so frustrating knowing he is capable but choosing not to use the potty and hurting himself as a result!. So my AIBU is- will it be damaging or cause negative associations if we take a cold turkey approach now and don’t allow any more nappies? I don’t want to risk him regressing if I’ve totally traumatised him, and create negative associations. All advice welcome thanks!

The only thing that worked for us was cold turkey + bribes.

Namely, chocolate. Which they were allowed in other situation.

Worked wonders.

What steps have you taken to teach him to make positive associations with using the toilet? Have you praised him? You don't have to throw a parade, just a ''well done'' and a small treat.
Take him with you when you go. Don't talk about it just do it, its a completely normal part of life and its nothing to make a big drama about.

I'm sorry but I think your HV gave you really poor advice. We potty trained at 2years 6months. No softly softly here, just bye bye nappies, we use the potty/ toilet now. 2 weeks at home to settle into it so he could learn the feeling of needing wee/poo and waiting until sat on the potty. I personally think it's confusing to say use the potty, but also put them in a nappy. It's mixed messages.

Don’t worry. While not a great parenting moment I’m sure we’ve all said things we didn’t mean and it’s hard when you’ve got a baby to look after.

Yes show him you mean what you say. I’d still use pull ups at night but make him wear normal pants during the day. It might take a few accidents but he sounds like he needs that boundary.

I’m going to leave aside the shouting and horrible remark because I think you’re aware of how awful that is and some work on managing yourself when you’re overwhelmed would be useful. He’s three - you’re being really unfair to expect him to recognise the consequence of not telling you and link it with a sore bottom, especially if he was busy having fun - think about how many adults put off boring jobs in order to stay having fun!
I think a read of Sarah ockwell smiths book on gentle toileting might be a useful start (edit to say part of this is either using nappies or the toilet , using both is too confusing) and to work with your child instead of against him. Don’t worry about other children and their milestones, focus on what’s best for your child.

Well, we’ve all been there (although I think telling a child to shut up when they’re distressed is pretty horrible, but you obviously feel bad about it) but it’s very common in boys in particular to hang on to soiling in nappies, it’s obviously a comfort to him and going on the loo or potty is not a skill he can magically learn. My three year old trained with wee very quickly but poo was another matter. It took months, and as he held on all day and never soiled his pants I’d let him poo in a nappy at home if he asked for it. He got there eventually. (Never pooed on potty and we got him a special ladder to use on the toilet and bribed him to sit and poo with iPad) I got frustrated too, it was a real pain in the arse when he was so smart and capable in other areas but they’re still so little. Making him feel bad about it will likely prolong things. In his little mind things aren’t so black and white as potty for poo = no more sore bum. Being able to poo on a toilet or potty when they’ve been used to having a nappy really isn’t easy for all of them and as you say he was distracted by having fun in the park.

I’d switch to a more positive, you’re such a big boy now you don’t need nappies but you do need to tell mummy when a wee or poo is wanting to come so we can go to the toilet, and I know you can do it (big smile) and a sticker chart/treats. (We did a smiley face rather than stickers because baby number 2 was twins and I didn’t have time to faff).

Young in the year or not, 3 is quite late to potty train so is now his normal and change is harder, but stick with it and within a week most dc are dry in the day. Night time they cannot control so only when he’s had a week of dry night nappies at least take those away. Dtd1 was dry day and night immediately once potty training began but her identical twin wasn’t dry at night for an extra 8 months. She was just a very deep sleeper.

We all have these moments of shouting and feeling horrid.

Personally - I think it's about cold turkey - just, right, we aren't wearing those anymore - yes there will be accidents but he will gradually get used to it and stop - also, just big reward and bribe when he gets it right and he will want to get the rewards?

accept the little accidents as part of it - better to have them with nappies off than on if they are happening anyway.

I think that was bad advice from the HV - I think better to crack on - he will start to feel conscious of being in them when others are not.

The reality is (though parents don't like to admit it) - disposable nappies have MASSIVELY raised the age at which toddlers are potty trained.

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Just to add, at 3 I’d skip potty and go straight to the toilet with a toddler seat.

I think you’ve been far too harsh and you’re very unrealistic. You can’t expect a child that you haven’t actually potty trained to have that level of awareness. But yes you need to go cold turkey to actually train him. It’s already quite late, the HV (not surprisingly) gave you crap advice, but there’s no time like the present. From now on no more daytime nappies, commit and get him trained.

There is "level of awareness" and there is hanging out with pants full of shite you know when you have pooped your pants even as a baby

Go cold turkey, lots of encouragement big smiles etc put today behind you and master the potty training once and for all.

Thanks everyone, the comments on how using both nappies and potty is confusing is a great point. This probably has made things worse.

also just to clarify, the comment about his year group was just to show that he has lots of positive examples of potty/ toilet use because all his friends do it. So he sees them going off to the toilet with parents and carers. Not to compare his to others (positively or negatively).

I wish I had taken the nappies away when he was making such good progress over the summer, but hindsight is 20-20 as they say.

Yeah I have to say the health visitor advice was a bit useless here. If he’d said why does my baby sister still get to wear nappies and not me it would have been easily explained by saying he’s a big boy and she is a baby. Most 2-3 year olds would easily be able to grasp this even if you needed to repeat several times.

But perhaps he didn’t want to say because he thought he’d get told off. He obviously made it worse in not saying but that’s because he’s a very small child with limited foresight.

Bribery is the way.

chocolate button for a wee or poo in the potty, choose something from the prize box if you’re clean and dry all day. Prize box contained toy cars, stickers, mini-tubs of playdoh, mini-bags of sweets. When you have 20 clean and dry days in a row get a big treat like cinema, theme park, new Lego set etc.

Well yes because if you put the child in a nappy you’re telling them they should poop in their pants and then inevitably sit in it. You want them to stop doing that, you need to properly potty train.

And a 3YO will struggle with the concept of potential sore skin down the line because they only really understand immediate consequences at that age.

And to stress I know my behaviour getting angry was awful, but I have never ‘told him off’ before for having a dirty nappy or not using the potty etc. He was only ever been rewarded for the potty and indifference with the nappy, so I don’t think he was scared to tell me. As others have said he just didn’t want to stop playing clearly.

also while I agree connecting dirty nappy to sore bum may be a bit of a stretch, he is totally aware of his need for the toilet and when his nappy needs changed.

I’d probably give it a few days (I wouldn’t start straight after the shouting incident) and go cold turkey, lots of positive build up, your a big boy now, let’s go choose some big boy pants etc. Ideally a few days at home and go 100% happy free (except bed time).

Expecting a child in a nappy to know they are no longer meant to use the nappy is confusing.

We tried allsorts in terms of bribery, praising, getting cross with 3.5 yo DD but it didn't work. Like you we were so frustrated as we knew she is bright and knew exactly what she was choosing to do and kept going backwards. What worked was; buying some little presents (like the ones you get for party bags at Home Bargains - bouncy ball, tub of slime, slinky eytc) freddos etc and some bigger (high value to her) presents like princess shoes etc and then wrapping them up in jazzy wrapping paper and putting them in a gift bag (favourite character/s on bag). She then got the temptation, excitement and reward of going and choosing something from the bag. Worked a treat within days - thank god!

Check out Janet Lansbury on potty training. Sounds like he's making brilliant progress and then goes backwards sometimes, sounds very normal!

Yes you are unreasonable. You shouldn’t shout or shame him, it’s not his fault. As the parent you need to take the reins with potty training, I don’t understand why people persist with this wishy washy softly approach, it gives your children no dignity. I say that as someone who is heavily invested in gentle parenting and being child led, but there are some things where it’s up to you as a parent to take the lead. It’s not your son’s fault that you haven’t done that.

I’ve recently trained my 2.5yo DS. We went cold turkey, took him to try on the potty every hour initially then stretched it to 90 mins. Let him choose nice pants at the shop. Bought 3 potties for around the house and made sure to prop the downstairs loo door open so he could always access it. Didn’t use bribes per se but clapped and admired his wee each time and he was allowed the press the flush on the toilet to say goodbye to it. Cracked in about 4 days I think. Good luck!

It's not his fault that you've used a totally inconsistent approach to loo training. And, shouting at him when he has a sore butt is just really uncalled for and harsh. But you know this. Hopefully, you apologised to him afterwards.
Echoing others, ditch the bloody nappies and go cold turkey.