To not allow any more nappies on my 3yo?

[rose88xx]

My DS is 3 but young for his year group (summer birthday) and is not yet potty trained. We had started to make some progress before my DD (8mo) came along, but I was advised by my health visitor not to push it in case he associated it with my daughter and it caused any resentment (she has nappies why can’t I etc). Anyway we waited for a few months and then continued, fairly softly approach with lots of offering the potty and encouragement. At this point he is entirely aware of what he is doing, capable of ‘holding it’ etc, and we have had periods where the potty or toilet was used almost exclusively for a day or two. But recently he has gone totally backward. I get the impression the novelty has worn off and he prefers the convenience of nappies. I think he is the last child in his nursery group and friends in nappies, and a lot of the others have been out of them for up to a year or more.
Anyway my AIBU is that tonight I totally lost my temper with him over this. We had gone to the park after nursery pick up and he had obviously done a no2 at some point without me noticing when he was playing. I realised when we were leaving due to smell and some leakage on his trousers. Also important to note he gets awful nappy rash, has very sensitive skin. I have told him over and over to tell me when he has a dirty nappy so I can change it quickly and he won’t get sore, and of course stressed that he won’t get a sore bum anymore if he uses the potty. We got home from the park and as soon as I started to change him he was screaming bloody murder over his sore bum. It gets so bad he can’t even wash because of the water. Anyway, I basically lost my temper and shouted ‘shut up, this is your fault for not telling me when you needed your nappy changed’ and I said ‘no more nappies after this!’ And I put pants on him. Of course i know I shouldn’t have lost my temper, it is the worse thing I have ever said or done to him and I feel awful. but it is so frustrating knowing he is capable but choosing not to use the potty and hurting himself as a result!. So my AIBU is- will it be damaging or cause negative associations if we take a cold turkey approach now and don’t allow any more nappies? I don’t want to risk him regressing if I’ve totally traumatised him, and create negative associations. All advice welcome thanks!

Sorry but I have to agree with a previous poster that it DOES seem to be a weird flex that some parents have that their little one was PT really early. I see it all the time. When I worked in a nursery we were informed 20 month old was now potty training but in reality this just meant a) every poo or wee in clothes or on the carpets because she couldn’t effectively communicate needing the toilet and was now suddenly wearing pants b) the relentlessness of having to persuade her to sit on the potty every twenty minutes when she wanted to play with her friends and join in with the day’s activities.

Eventually she learnt but I wouldn’t agree that was a successful potty training or that she was ready, just that over time her toilet habits were moulded into something else. Which I’m afraid to say is what early potty training is, much as you might train a pet.

He's not refusing to use the potty, he's had nothing but mixed signals. For us we started softly around 18 months a potty went in the bathroom, they came to the toilet with me and eventually asked to have a shot on the potty so we did and once they were able to do that I offered every nappy change etc then once they were doing bigger pees rather than constantly dribbling around 2 we tried without nappies, took a couple of goes both times but once they were capable of understanding and holding they were dry quickly. Eldest took a couple of weeks at 2.5 (we now know he's autistic) youngest took a weekend which astounded me at just over 2. Both were then dry at night weeks later with no additional training as soon as we had 5 dry mornings we went to pants at night.

The key though was moving to pants not staying in nappies and pull ups once capable

Health visitor is a bloody idiot.

do it and maintain it. Don’t give up or give in. No nappies. If he has accidents then fine, but no more nappies.

I can empathise. When my DS was potty training at a similar age (he wasn’t ready earlier), it took forever. I’d say a year until I felt we had really cracked it. Two years before I stopped taking out spare clothes because he did still leave it late to ‘go’ when he was having fun.

He was in pull ups at night until
about 5 1/2 too as he would wet himself at night at least 4x a week due to being such a deep sleeper. He’s 6 now and we’re all good. Even wipes his own bum!

Once he was doing that and you knew he could hold that's when to start making a big deal of big boy pants and watching potty training cartoons and just building on the idea. Then just stopping nappies and dealing with accidents etc as they occur.

morning everyone, we have started off well with a big pee in the potty and some chocolate buttons. His new paw patrol pants are on! My only worry is normally my DH takes the kids out on a Saturday for a few hours to football, which could be a bit risky? But it isn’t far from our house so hopefully an offer of potty before leaving and when they arrive will be ok. And no big deal if he does have an accident of course.
Thanks again!

I don’t agree with shouting at him. But your HV’s advise sounds ridiculous- my eldest friend when my second was 10 days old. It’s a process that needs doing if you delay it IMO youre just enforcing the use of nappies.

Once the nappy is off don’t put it back on. Accidents help reinforce learning. It’s confusing for them to flip back and forth between nappies.

Absolutely this ^ There’s a window for potty training, and if you miss it things can be unnecessarily hard. Obviously too early is a bad idea because it won’t work, but too many parents leave it too late and don’t realise that that too can be a bad idea.

Accidents when potty training aren't something to desperately try and avoid, they're a necessary part of the learning process. Going to football without a nappy isn't risky, it's crucial!

You must be giving in though? She can’t hold it forever.

Honestly all this pandering by parents and shit HV advice is setting these kids up to fail and be treated as babies in other ways for far too long.

Disabilities excluded, a 3 yo should be toilet trained day & night. They’re more than capable, just stubborn & under estimated

Re taking him out. Time him in between going, when at home and always get to a toilet for a similar time. It's harder now because we used to have more toilets about and would even be let into staff toilets.

What’s risky about it?

if he needs a wee he goes to the toilet at football, or on the grass! It’s all part of learning. If he has an accident DH changes him at football & the world carries on. He needs to learn that going to the toilet is part of every day life, not a special event that only happens at home

How does a nursery even have the staff (with ratios etc) to be taking a baby to the toilet every 20 minutes?

Anyway. Don’t be discouraged by all these “my child was trained before he came out of the womb” posters. He’s unlikely to be requiring nappies at age 7. He will get there. It’s another one of those things that really does not matter in the grand scheme of things.

Withholding can lead to chronic constipation and then overflow. It isn't easy thing to manage, some children are more stubborn and very few diagnosed at 3, so parents do needs-led.

We look at toilet training with rose tinted glasses. I can remember in my primary school (1972+) there were children who used to soil themselves. There's always been children who struggled.

DD1 has Learning Disabilities. We used an all or nothing approach, but we waited until she wanted a new nappy every time she weed. She was 2 years 5 months when we told her it was time to say goodbye to nappies in the day time. We bought her some nice pants and that was that.

I found an old thread where posters were all potty training and I'd recorded her progress.

Day 1 - two wees in car.
Day 2 - two accidents (both my fault)
Day 3 - one accident as she feel off a slide in the park.

Then dry in the day.

Two weeks later, we decided to try night times and she only had one accident.

Our biggest issue was that if we didn't get to the potty immediately after she used it, she would tip it on the floor (sensory needs), and we only had an upstairs toilet. Fun times!

Well done OP!

Re football- wee right before you go, be clear he can have a bush wee if he needs and make sure DH packs a couple of changes just in case- if they’re needed then no big deal but hopefully not.

Lots of nurseries have toilets or potties in room so they’re not physically taking them out, so no impact on staff to children ratio.

This is an incredible useful point thank you!

You're wrong about night. Look at ERIC's advice/research.

Well yes we did give in at the 3 day mark. She was desperate to go and had an awful tummy ache and her behaviour was atrocious. It felt wrong to deny her a nappy at that point, and when she did finally go it was difficult because it was so hard and so much poop.

I agree that she should be toilet trained by now for day time. But having a 3 year old poo in the toilet or potty is not something that can be forced and learned within a day, otherwise I would've done it by now. Do you think I really want to still be cleaning pooey nappies at this age ?

I'm glad that your potty training went smoothly for your kid(s) and you had no push back. Congratulations.

I used oh crap method but also did "nappy fairy". Nappy fairy took the nappies away and delivered some fruit shoots to have lots of weeing practice.

He sounds capable but uninterested. I think toddlers respond well to a clear message so he needs to know that the nappies are gone and don't give them back.

He might be capable of weeing in a toilet but he isn't capable of governing his choices well. So yes he's capable of weeing/pooing in a toilet but it isn't his fault that he's not made the "right" choice. At this age it is the parents job to get them to make the right choice by giving a clear message and consequences to the "wrong" choices so that they can learn what to do. But I can appreciate this is stressful and we all feel angry or frustrated at our children sometimes.

I’m of the opinion that when kids are ready it won’t be a big order like this. It will be quick and simple. Both my dc were 3.5 before they were trained. We had tried earlier than this but neither were ready and it was very distressing for us all so we left it a while. At 3.5 they both got it within days, no dramas and very few accidents.

I know this is considered late by some peoples standards but I genuinely don’t care what others think. They are my kids and I took the approach that was easiest for us all. Don’t force it op.

Is this to me? I have tried and wasn't ready

I agree with this, both my DC trained at 3.5. They had zero accidents, because they were genuinely ready. If you have days, weeks or months of your children soiling themselves or needing to carry potties to pee in the middle of the street because they can't hold it until they get to a toilet they aren't ready IMO. I don't think choosing to put your DC through that makes you a better parent.