To not allow any more nappies on my 3yo?

[rose88xx]

My DS is 3 but young for his year group (summer birthday) and is not yet potty trained. We had started to make some progress before my DD (8mo) came along, but I was advised by my health visitor not to push it in case he associated it with my daughter and it caused any resentment (she has nappies why can’t I etc). Anyway we waited for a few months and then continued, fairly softly approach with lots of offering the potty and encouragement. At this point he is entirely aware of what he is doing, capable of ‘holding it’ etc, and we have had periods where the potty or toilet was used almost exclusively for a day or two. But recently he has gone totally backward. I get the impression the novelty has worn off and he prefers the convenience of nappies. I think he is the last child in his nursery group and friends in nappies, and a lot of the others have been out of them for up to a year or more.
Anyway my AIBU is that tonight I totally lost my temper with him over this. We had gone to the park after nursery pick up and he had obviously done a no2 at some point without me noticing when he was playing. I realised when we were leaving due to smell and some leakage on his trousers. Also important to note he gets awful nappy rash, has very sensitive skin. I have told him over and over to tell me when he has a dirty nappy so I can change it quickly and he won’t get sore, and of course stressed that he won’t get a sore bum anymore if he uses the potty. We got home from the park and as soon as I started to change him he was screaming bloody murder over his sore bum. It gets so bad he can’t even wash because of the water. Anyway, I basically lost my temper and shouted ‘shut up, this is your fault for not telling me when you needed your nappy changed’ and I said ‘no more nappies after this!’ And I put pants on him. Of course i know I shouldn’t have lost my temper, it is the worse thing I have ever said or done to him and I feel awful. but it is so frustrating knowing he is capable but choosing not to use the potty and hurting himself as a result!. So my AIBU is- will it be damaging or cause negative associations if we take a cold turkey approach now and don’t allow any more nappies? I don’t want to risk him regressing if I’ve totally traumatised him, and create negative associations. All advice welcome thanks!

I think that's really bad advice from your HV. It's easier when they're younger I think. Now the best thing will to be go cold turkey. Take time off work and time away from nursery. Make sure he gets lots of praise. Buy lots of sweets / chocolate buttons. Each time he sits on the potty one chocolate button. Each time he does a wee, he gets two.

Sounds exactly like my son, and after his brother came along it was totally a battle of wills. One day he just decided he wanted to use the toilet properly. Poos took longer. But he did get there, can't quite remember when but he didn't go to school needing nappies. I know it's hard but I would just calm down about it all and let him take his time with it. Looking back he just wasn't ready until he was ready.

Oh I've just remembered! It was like verbally talking to us out loud about it was a massive deal. We made "poo tickets" and "wee tickets" which was fun to do together and then he could show us what he needed rather than tell us. It wasn't the magic cure but it did make it all a bit more fun rather than stressful.

Make up a special bag of little toys (party bag type toys - bubbles, fidgets etc) that he can only look in and play with when he's sitting in the toilet.

Tell him that only big boys get to play with your special bag, not babies who wear nappies (like his little baby sister). Only big boys for when they are busy trying to do a wee or poo on the toilet. Make a big deal about the bag beforehand like "Daddy, have you seen what we've got in this special toilet time bag, there are soooooo many fun things on here!"

Plus, check he's not constipated as that can hamper potty training (especially with getting dry at night). Check the ERIC website for further info on how constipation presents itself...

I think it would be difficult to potty train across different settings like home, nursery, out and about at weekends. I did it one August before my child turned 3 in September and we basically spent a week indoors/in the garden with him naked from the waist down most of the time. I know that's not convenient but that's what I had to do.

My son also needed pull ups at night long after he was potty trained during the day, and I think that's quite normal for a lot of children. So when you say take away all nappies just remember that night time dryness is a completely different process and depends a lot on hormones and things your child can't control.

I did cold turkey from 22 months. Explained potties are for big girls, did stickers and sweeties and a prize for a week of no accidents. So many people told me ‘oh she’s too young you have to wait til their ready’ but I just took plenty of cheap pairs of leggings, knickers and socks out, cheap puppy pads in her car seat, told nursery no nappies take her loo every 20 mins. She was dry quickly but poos took longer but she was reliably taking herself to the potty for both, no swim nappies nothing, in about 4 months. She’s also 3 and summer born and totally independent in the toilet including handwashing - they can do it, she’s not special, you just have to let go and trust them and do it, bribes work, don’t listen to the wish washy stuff they say these days be firm if you have to be and reward what is good
just do it OP he will get it faster than you think! Take a backpack full of joggers and pants out everywhere, travel potty and nappy bags for dirty clothes, before you know it it will be days before you have sorted an accident and you will be like wow we cracked it !

Very similar shoes here. Just turned 3 year old, who was very ready a few months back, but we had a 13 hour flight for a holiday so delayed potty training for convenience. Horrible mistake. We tried to go cold turkey, day 1 was great, only one accident, day 2, he just started peeing literally everywhere except the potty (the outdoors definitely got a watering). We tried mini treats, a sticker chart, excessive praise etc, nothing worked. By day 3 we gave up. He was so upset, kept telling me "no mama, I don't like the potty" and really digging his heels in. We are trying to go nappy free at home, but it is also really hard to stay home for more than 2 days, as we have an older child who needs out, and he is also frustrated. Idk. We did find colour changing bath tabs that you put in the potty which fizz/change colour and he likes those. That's about my only suggestion.

Adding that I am about to change our sofa covers (new ones arrived today) as this week during nappy free time at home we found some tiny turds. Sigh.

Just remember though some children don’t care about treats and bribes in the slightest and mine absolutely wouldn’t have done anything he didn’t want to do for the sake a measly chocolate button or a bouncy ball 🤣 he wouldn’t even do it for a bloody Paw Patrol lookout tower.

we tried absolutely everything but ultimately he cracked it when he decided to get up on the toilet and do a poo in it.

Don't panic. Its one incident where you have lost your temper. It won't traumatise him for life.

Lots of children, boys especially, can't be bothered, the novelty wears off and they frankly don't want to stop playing to tell you or go. From what you say he has the physical awareness and capability, just go cold turkey.

We actually did sort of have a parade. My husband had some old triathlon medals, and whenever DS2 did a poo on the toilet we had a full medal ceremony complete with soviet-style military music.

This is brilliant and I may steal this idea. My DH had a poop song and dance for DD which worked wonders.

3 year old, who was very ready a few months back, but we had a 13 hour flight for a holiday so delayed potty training for convenience. Horrible mistake. i swear to god its much harder to potty train a 3 year old than a 2 year old simply because they are 15000 times more stubborn and the habits are much more conscious and entrenched.

With both of mine we just went cold turkey, once we decided we were doing it there were no more nappies. Surely it’s confusing for them going between pants and nappies?

My DS would have loved that. When he finally did do a poo on the toilet he wanted us to get the neighbours round to view it and join in the celebrations.

This is true but in my last nannying job I worked with two year old twin girls - just turned 26 months- in my opinion they were a touch too young but the mum wanted it done- and one got it easily but the other was a real challenge , and saw withholding for as long as possible as the best option but then not being able to control it obviously and just wee or poo anywhere but a toilet or potty. It made going out anywhere a total lottery and wasn’t pleasant. So even the same method at the same time, it’s very personality dependent on how the child will take to it.

If he has just turned 3 I wouldn't worry too much. I was as stressed as you last year with DD but by 3.5 she decided to give up nappies with zero training or accidents. Whereas some of her friends that trained much earlier still have accidents. Whatever you decide to do, as a PP said remember night time dryness can't be trained in the same way you potty train in the day time as this is down to hormones.

We struggled with ds and had weeks of failure at day 2 and 3. In the end we went to the toy shop and bought a loud noisy engine with buttons to press.

we put it up in shelf with 5 day count down, it took three weeks of perseverance to get to 5 days and that truck down. Although we had the occasional mishap it definitely worked.

Your HV is batshit.

I also can't comprehend being annoyed at a 3yo you haven't bothered to potty train. They're far too old imo. Cold turkey from now on. Kids should be well trained by 3.

I think you received terrible advice from your HV, but so did I and I have a 6 year old, with SEN before anybody jumps on me, who is still in nappies and I've talked at length on many other posts about the contradictory advice I got from all professionals involved, so I can't blame you for that.

I'm also not going to judge you for shouting but I insist you apologise to him.

One thing I've learned in all of these years trying to toilet train is that using the toilet is easier than going in your pants, so imagine the barriers our little ones face when they can't crack the toilet. How uncomfortable it is to have poo in your nappy, and still not be able to go.

You should definitely give big boy pants a good go and ditch the nappies but it's a huge transition and I'm sure he'd much rather be able to communicate when he needs to go to the bathroom than use nappies for his own sake so he can play comfortably so you need to model that communication.

I agree with pp that nappies + potty doesnt work. We did nappies at night only, pants only in the day. Chocolate button for successful potty use to start with then moved onto stickers (especially for a poop) and then a toy in exchange for a whole week of stickers. We started training at 2y 8m and DD2 was born at 2y 9m so probably did affect things - but we went with the "nappies are for the baby! You're a big girl, so you get to wear special pants now!"

Id also say that potty training is not linear. Everytime we thought we'd cracked it, we might then have a phase where we went completely backwards with loads of accidents. I had a thread on here at the time and posters advised just to stay consistent. Which we did and she had cracked it mostly by 3.5y.

Yep. Chocolate works wonders. Although my 2 year old was starting to pretend to go just to get chocolate 🤣

I'd like to piggyback on this, a lot of comments are saying to just go cold turkey and refuse nappies.

My 3 year old daughter is the same, potty trained for wees for a year, wears pull-ups at night, but will only ever poo in a nappy (she won't have accidents in her pants at all though).

So if I just go cold turkey with nappies she will just hold her poo in. She'll occasionally beg for a nappy and no matter how much I tell her to go on the potty or toilet she will either continue to beg or just hold it in.

Won't that happen with OP's son ? I feel we have tried everything to get my daughter to not poop in a nappy. No amount of bribes or praise or ignoring it or nappy withholding has made a damn difference.

I’ve potty trained my three kids. All very different. My middle sounds like your son. One day, as she turned 3, I said that’s it, no more nappies, DD clearly knew when she needed to go and was capable of holding it in. She would leak everywhere as she did grown up sized wees! We had a week of stand off- DD was adamant not to use potty or toilet- weeing/pooping in pants. I just changed her and carried on as normal, encouraging the toilet, praising sitting on the toilet. After about 5/6 days she gave in, realised the nappies were not coming back and was completely potty trained, DD always preferred the toilet to the potty. She was just stubborn.

This might help, might not at all but I downloaded an app on my phone called poo goes home to pooland (or something like that) and it helped my son. A few years ago now.

Good advice - I agree.