To not allow any more nappies on my 3yo?

[rose88xx]

My DS is 3 but young for his year group (summer birthday) and is not yet potty trained. We had started to make some progress before my DD (8mo) came along, but I was advised by my health visitor not to push it in case he associated it with my daughter and it caused any resentment (she has nappies why can’t I etc). Anyway we waited for a few months and then continued, fairly softly approach with lots of offering the potty and encouragement. At this point he is entirely aware of what he is doing, capable of ‘holding it’ etc, and we have had periods where the potty or toilet was used almost exclusively for a day or two. But recently he has gone totally backward. I get the impression the novelty has worn off and he prefers the convenience of nappies. I think he is the last child in his nursery group and friends in nappies, and a lot of the others have been out of them for up to a year or more.
Anyway my AIBU is that tonight I totally lost my temper with him over this. We had gone to the park after nursery pick up and he had obviously done a no2 at some point without me noticing when he was playing. I realised when we were leaving due to smell and some leakage on his trousers. Also important to note he gets awful nappy rash, has very sensitive skin. I have told him over and over to tell me when he has a dirty nappy so I can change it quickly and he won’t get sore, and of course stressed that he won’t get a sore bum anymore if he uses the potty. We got home from the park and as soon as I started to change him he was screaming bloody murder over his sore bum. It gets so bad he can’t even wash because of the water. Anyway, I basically lost my temper and shouted ‘shut up, this is your fault for not telling me when you needed your nappy changed’ and I said ‘no more nappies after this!’ And I put pants on him. Of course i know I shouldn’t have lost my temper, it is the worse thing I have ever said or done to him and I feel awful. but it is so frustrating knowing he is capable but choosing not to use the potty and hurting himself as a result!. So my AIBU is- will it be damaging or cause negative associations if we take a cold turkey approach now and don’t allow any more nappies? I don’t want to risk him regressing if I’ve totally traumatised him, and create negative associations. All advice welcome thanks!

I have potty trained 2 boys, one at almost 3 and one at 2 and a couple of months. I think sometimes they like the attention (even if it’s bad attention!) and feeling of still being your baby. So I just gave zero attention when they had an accident / made them wait a minute until I could help, asked them to help clean up what was safe / easy to clean up like put wet pants in the washing machine, never made a comment (so I didn’t wind myself up or give any attention) and just accepted sometimes they get it wrong (by accident or not, you can’t prevent it so try to stay calm about it). Positive remarks to them and about them to other people so they could hear when it went well.

Also someone has mentioned Pooland… it’s ace! It helped infinitely with going for a poo, made the fear of the big scary toilet a bit less.

Hope you find something useful in what I’ve said and that you crack it soon, I am sure you will x

solidarity as this was us. He’d only ever do it at home in a nappy and he never had a poo accident In his pants ever.

we had success (eventually as was still a slow progress) as we bought him a poo ladder as he really struggled to get the poo out without something to put his feet on but point blank refused a potty. He’d sit and watch the iPad for a time limit of twenty minutes and if no poo he had to come off and try again another time. now he just pops on the loo and does what he needs to do.

No amount of bribe, praise, encouragement or cajoling would get him to do it before. And I mean nothing. He’s stubborn as a mule. You can’t physically force them.

A lot of these posters obviously had success with that sort of potty training but it’s hugely dependent on the personality of the child with a bit of luck thrown in.

My son would poo in his “pull up” training pants, which are just like diapers/nappies. I put him in regular cloth pants and he still would do it, so one time he did a poo I did an exaggerated “oh, no! I can’t do it! Bleah! So stinky” and so on. While doing this, I got a bucket of soapy water and said you’ll have to do this, I can’t bear another one! And took him outside where the hose was. (It was a warm summer day) Told him when he got done rinsing, to put the dirty pants in the bucket and I’d make sure he got cleaned up, hands washed. He looked at me like he couldn’t believe it! I went inside and peeked out the window. He did as I asked, I brought him back inside without comment, no shaming. And he never dirtied his pants again. He realized clean up was work.

Thanks again everyone I’m really taking all the responses on board. I’m interested by a few PP who mention their DC stubbornness even without accidents. My DS is quite bloody minded so I did (perhaps naively) think the best approach would be to give him the tools and let him make the decision when he was ready. He has done many pees and poos on the toilet or potty. But clearly that hasn’t worked!

I potty trained my July 22 son last Christmas.

We also did the cold turkey 'we don't wear nappies in the daytime anymore' approach. It worked fine. We still have accidents when he's playing and doesn't realise he needs a wee in time but I think that's completely normal at this age.

I never put a nappy on him in the daytime again since the day we started potty training and just embraced the accidents.

We go through phases of wearing nighttime nappy pants as he'll be dry at night for a month or two and then suddenly go back to wetting at night and I'm not sure him waking up soaking wet helps.

I agree with this. Expecting them to tell you when they've been and connect this to future discomfort isn't something you train for nappies and if they're able to articulate and understand that then they need to be potty training. I think you need to do cold turkey - it's such a mixed message to use both. Stay close to home for a full week until he has home consistent then go out with clothes etc. He's old enough and may never lead himself into fully trained- this needs consistency and structure from you with clear expectations and lots of praise. I second skipping the potty too at this age.

I’d say be more stubborn back! No nappies. Lots of praise, almost ignore the “accidents”. If your sure he knows then I think trust your gut.

The problem is, ‘be more stubborn back’ would only work with my son until his night time nappy went on and then what do you think happened.

Mine held his poo in until his bedtime nappy was on for a week. I just changed it, was fine by me. Then one day he couldn't hold it and kept asking for a nappy. I was calm and maintained he did not need a nappy and it was OK to poo in potty. I let him choose whether he used the toilet or potty and also offered him a treat. He was scared but he did finish his poo in the potty that time and got an ice lolly. For a week we kept up the poo rewards then phased it into stickers then nothing. I know it won't be this simple for everyone but this worked for us.

I definitely agree with this. They pick on the adults annoyance. So they hide it thinking they’ll get in trouble. I would stick to no nappies now, but as someone else said make it a positive because he’s a big clever boy. I’d also apologise to him for shouting at him. They need to see is repair things when we’ve made a mistake. Just like we expect them to.

I would take the chance to put him in pants tomorrow and no more nappies. Capitalise on the pain he had to go through. Apologise to him for your unkind words in the morning and explain that pooing in a nappy is giving him a sore bottom so no more nappies. If he needs a poo or a wee he has to choose potty or toilet. You will have to explain again and again over the next few days, and keep reminding him that he doesn't want to get a sore bottom and getting poo in that toilet is better for that. I've found with similar things with my 3yo, like getting rid of the dummy, it worked better to ask him to tell me why no more nappies or no more dummies (because they're making my bottom sore when I do a poo/because I bit holes in all the dummies!) rather than always me telling him. More ownership, or something. But do remember to explain he still wears nappies at night because when he's asleep he won't be awake to know he needs a wee, and that won't make him sore because he won't be doing a poo when he's asleep.

I'm amazed you've had so many supportive comments. What you said was disgusting and your attitude towards potty training is very old fashioned and draconian. He's not doing it because he can't be bothered or wants to annoy you. He's only a very small person and sometimes it takes time. Yes you are unreasonable in all respects.

Don’t put nappies back on during day (night weaning can be done later)
Prepare to stay in
Ask him over and over if he needs a wee or poo
Positive reinforcement when he does something in potty or loo

The trouble is we often misinterpret our little ones knowing where to go, as knowing when to go.

If he can play in a playground with poo in his nappy, or even manage to squeeze one out while he is playing then perhaps he doesn't understand the signals his body is telling him about when to go until it is too late to communicate that he has to go. That's not something he can easily control, and he isn't developmentally ready at 3 to realise pooing and weeing in nappies is giving him his sore bum, even if you tell him. There's a cognitive dissonance.

We all have a sense of interoception, and for some people it is hypersensitive and for some people its hyposensitive.

When you're focused on doing something else, maybe something more fun and exciting it can be really hard to listen to your body. A bit like when you are watching tv and eating dinner and suddenly realise you've eaten too much and feel bloated, because your brain was too preoccupied on something else.

The trouble is that as a 3 year old with a new found independence, the world is a lot more exciting, so it can be harder to listen to what your body is telling you, that might be when to eat, when to drink, when to go to the bathroom. Sometimes visual reminders can help, like visual time tables or even just having the potty in his line of site at all times.

Because of that new found independence though he will also be developing a sense of privacy and that can make using a potty even harder because they're usually where you can be seen. Finding a quiet corner in the room can really help where you can still be aware of the general area but not making solid eye contact.

His sore bum might also be giving him some anxiety about pooing, and to poo he might need a familiar feeling which is his nappies. It takes time to build that trust up with the toilet that is bigger, louder and wetter, a completely different feeling, and requires you to be stationary when you just want to be on the go all the time.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Although I personally didnt gain much from contacting ERIC, I do think they may be able to offer some insight, and they are very good at coming up with solutions to try so I do recommend giving them a call before you do anything.

Yes. It will sorted much quicker by removing the nappy during the day.
I had a similar issue with DD and her soother, she cried for 3 nights, it was worth it. I spent months agonising over it, before just getting rid.

Lot's of patience, praise and rewards.

Gentle parenting doesn't work

My sons 3.5 next month, and not potty trained yet. I'm not stressing about it. Waiting for him to communicate better.

I’m confused as to whether you’ve actually potty trained him or not?

I've never had luxury of anything other than cold turkey. I used to have a long commute and usually a max 3 day window. I waited until they were about 2.9 so communication was solid. Sat in one room of house with potty there, undies off, job done in 2 days. The most monotonous 2 days you'll ever live, but effective. Resistance was not something I could entertain. I don't think the "try again later" mentality is a great idea unless there's special needs or very major upset. It just makes the whole topic into such a drama. I got pretty standard levels of resistance, which I calmly ignored. Our preschool does not accept untrained children so I simply had to get it done over a weekend. Identifying their absolute favourite sweet or stickers that they'd walk over hot coals to get hands on is essential. Celebrating potty contents with treats, songs, dances absolutely essential.

My youngest was 3.5 when she potty trained. Basically put her in pants and sent her to nursery where she would go to the toilet with her friends. Done in 2 days. Shes still in pull ups at bedtime though as shes only 4.

I find it bizarre that a health visitor told you that if one is wearing why shouldn't I. All ours under 3 were trained from 15months and by just over 2 were only wearing night time ones and now 2 of the 4 the boys don't wear them at night the girls are a little slower

Sorry, but if potty training takes you four months (!!!) you have done it too early. That’s ridiculous and unnecessary. Whereas my eldest took no time at all - one morning it was nappies away, pants on, and straight to using the toilet. Poos and wees. No accidents. Why? Because I waited for her to be ready (she was 30 months). My DS is currently 26 months and starting to show a bit of interest, but I think it’ll be a few more months before he’s ready for the swap. And that’s the key word - swap. You don’t need to ‘train’ them when they’re actually ready for it, you just swap the nappies for underwear. All this competitive parenting when it comes to potty training with people bidding to be the youngest ‘trained’ is ludicrous (there’s equally someone on this thread saying they started at 15 months, and it had worked by 2! That’s 6 months of ‘training’ and for what?!? Sod that)

Some people claim their kids aren't ready til 4 or 5 though. When in reality, the peak time is 2. They're small enough to not be quite as willful, but have enough communication.

30 years ago the majority of children were trained by 3 because they couldn't go to pre schools in nappies. Now kids arrive at school in nappies.

My youngest has some SEN and potty training wasn't easy. Our other DC just got it on their own so I was firmly in the when ready camp. But once 3 rolled round we got further support in, the only answer was cold turkey and start at nursery. Nursery were so supportive and helpful!
Don't go for the advice using nappies too small, or leaving them in wet clothes etc.
Make no big deal, unless any SEN at 3 you can just use the your not a baby like little sis now, were going to use pants which pair would you like to put on? Lots of positive reinforcement, and excitement. And get nursery involved too, they will happily do a activity around toileting, read their daily books on it etc. include it into their day more to support a child within a group.
And don't leave any nappies around other than for your baby.
Within weeks of being dry in the day we were dry through the night too although this is mostly coincidence as it's a hormone thing at night.