For telling my sister blending her family is hurting her kids?

[PoshestPaws]

I named changed for this as it’s very outing but despite changing small details it’s probably very recognisable. It might be the best way of getting through to my sister depending on people’s comments so it’s possible I’ll show her anyway.

My Dsis is currently refusing to speak to me because I was sick of saying nothing whilst my niece and nephew were becoming increasingly miserable with their home life.
I gave her some home truths which she refuses to accept and thinks I’m just jealous.

Dsis split up with my BIL 3 years ago and he has the kids EOW, he probably could have them more but he wasn’t the most involved father, I think that’s a lot of what caused the split.

Dsis met a man called Ben just over a year ago who has two kids Sara 8 and Josh 5.
My Niece Chloe is 14 and my nephew Noah is 12 they met Ben and his kids about 5 months into the relationship.
Ben is the RP of his kids as according to Dsis his ex wasn’t keen on being a parent and really struggled. There is no custody agreement in place as she travels a lot for work but sees the kids fairly regularly for a few days at a time and she had them a lot over the summer.

Shortly after they all met my Dsis said they were all moving in together as Ben was constantly complaining about living in a two bedroom flat and I think he manipulated Dsis by saying how much happier the kids were at her house and how much better it would be if they were all together, Dsis lives in the family home after BIL moved out which has 4 bedrooms, she made what seems a strange decision to me for Sara and Chloe to share.
Her reasoning was that Chloe had a big room and girls would have more in common with each other than if the boys shared. She also she said Josh went to bed and got up much earlier than the other kids so was better in a separate room.

Chloe absolutely hates sharing a room and says Sara uses her things and loses and breaks them, she has no privacy and has no private space to spend time with her friends and she hates Sara wittering on at her through the night and constantly wanting entertaining.

My sister constantly expects her kids to amuse the other children and they no longer really get any one on one time with her anymore. On days out things are often tailored for younger kids and they feel like they have been pushed aside, they told me that they feel so relieved when they stay with their dad and their grandparents on his side, my mum and dad are no longer alive so they are their only grandparents.

I feel like my Dsis is often using her own kids to have a break and alone time with Ben, I have offered to have my niece and nephew frequently as I don’t have any children so it’s a chance for them to get undivided attention, I suggested having them separately and together and planning some trips and days out.
One of the biggest reason that caused us to fall out is that my Dsis wants me to regularly have all the kids so I can get to know her “step kids” and help them all to bond, this also means she can go away or have nights out with Ben. I said absolutely not! I’m not looking after young kids I hardly know and it’ll just cement even more to Chloe and Noah that they are being pushed aside for virtual strangers.

The whole situation is a mess but Dsis just can’t see it, my niece and nephew have given up trying to talk to her as she just says to “give it time” and when I accused her of neglecting her kids she points out they have a roof over their head, clean clothes and food, they get holidays and days out but mostly that they are loved. I do know she loves them but she’s always been selfish and my parents constantly had the kids when they were alive. I think my niece and nephew are so used to not having their parents attention that they don’t know any better and know complaining gets them nowhere so they are just becoming increasingly miserable.

Chloe and Noah’s grandparents on their dads side are also very worried and becoming frustrated with my Dsis for putting a man first, they told me they have tried to get their son to do more but he works shifts and often nights and doesn’t have much space or live as close to their schools or friends. Their grandparents were especially angry when they asked my Dsis what the kids wanted for Christmas and she gave them suggestions but also included expensive gifts for the other kids! They said they were happy to buy some small token gifts but they aren’t spending less on their own grandkids to buy for kids they don’t know.

I know my niece and nephew aren’t keen on Ben and didn’t want to live with another man they hardly know, Chloe especially said she finds it uncomfortable. They also hate how noisy and chaotic the house is and how it’s constantly in a tip when my sister loved a calm clean and tidy house before. Chloe and Noah are quiet kids but Josh is a typical rowdy messy 5 year old, Sara is constantly singing and dancing and pestering Chloe to watch her or make up dances with her, if Chloe has friends round then Sara won’t leave them alone so her friends have stopped visiting as much. None of the kids want to entertain Josh so he has constant control over the tv, if the channel is changed he has huge tantrums.
I hate spending time in that house now so can’t imagine how awful it must be to live there!

I posted on here for traffic and I don’t really need to ask if I’m BU, I wanted advice more than anything- especially from people who have been in a similar situation. Did you keep quiet or risk blowing your whole relationship apart by telling some home truths?

I apologise for the length of the post, I didn’t mean for it to be so long but didn’t want to drip feed and thought if I included as much information in the OP then I don’t have the same questions asked over and over because the answers get missed and people sometimes just just read the OP.

I agree the younger siblings should share at least for now.

I had to have my cousin share my room when I was 11 is for a few months and it was awful. And that was someone I liked.

How much space is there at your place OP I don't mean to have your niece and nephew to live but a place they can study and/decompress.

Also talk to your brother, he should be protecting his children.

All very true.

I wonder if @PoshestPaws appealing to her ex BIL's masculine pride might help.

"Are you really OK with paying to house your ex wife's new boyfriend and his two kids, whilst your own children are treated like second class citizens in their own home? Your daughter needs her own room. Put your foot down and say either she gets her own room or the house is going on the market!"

Wouldn't it be easier for parents to stay together sometimes.
It seems like some people are just swapping one set of problems for another.
Stop having kids and splitting up.
Poor kids.

Another classic example of a cocklodger cuckooing his way into a new GF's home because he cannot be bothered to provide a decent one of his own, and a mother putting a man before her children.

You are right to call her out on all of this. She sounds desperate and deluded.

Other than doing what you can to support your niece and nephew, it's hard to see a way to bring her to her senses. Is he taking her for a ride financially or he is paying proper rent, bills and food?

Surely if he is paying rent, he should be paying it to @PoshestPaws's ex BIL, who owns half the house and is currently occupying none of it. It he was getting that rental income then he might be able to afford to move to a bigger place near his children's school and offer them an alternative to living with the cocklodger and his kids.

Honestly, what is wrong with the man?

He should have said, "Err, no, the house is half mine and I don't consent to a random bloke and his children moving in when my children don't want them to. The whole point of you keeping the house was so that you could provide a proper home for OUR children, not his. If you're not willing to put our children first then the deal is off and the house goes on the market so that I can afford to provide our children with the home they need and deserve."

That sounds horrible for your nieces. Are 14 year olds even legally allowed to be responsible for younger siblings overnight? I thought under 16 it wasn't allowed. Would it be worth reporting it to the school or social services in the hope they'll give your sister a bollocking and scare her into being a bit more responsible?

Can you talk to ex BIL about this? Maybe he can take the kids more.

Chloe needs her room back , she’s 14 the too youngest should be in a bedroom together, they brother and sister .. and your sister it’s just being used .. I bet he thought all his Christmases has come moving his two kids into a four bedroom house from a two bedroom flat .. You can make arrangements with your niece and nephew they’re old enough to have a say In where they wanna go And who they wanna stay with ,keep a presence in your niece and nephew’s life and keep,speaking up .. your sister is really not looking at the bigger picture

So Chloe is nearly 15, just over a year and she'll be ok to say alone overnight.
Where's she moving to yours, Grans or her Dad's?

You sister need to realise this or she will be moved out before then, kids don't suddenly grow up overnight on their birthday.

Given options she won't still be in her mums

@PoshestPaws I really feel for you because there's not really a whole lot you can do in this situation beyond speaking to your sister, which you've already done.

I wonder would it be worth encouraging your niece and nephew to write their mum a letter outlining how they're feeling and what changes they would like? I would love to say it's an unusual situation but my god is there some amount of women out there who will throw their kids to the wolves for the sake of an aggressively mediocre man.

I've been through a very similar situation to you OP and it's so hard to watch from the sidelines.

After a few difficult conversations and situations I made a decision to keep my thoughts to myself so that I could stay close to my nieces. I have been there for them through thick and thin and they are now both adults and we have a brilliant relationship and they are wonderful.

Their relationship with their mum is sadly not very good which breaks my heart.

Your sister sounds like a deluded selfish nightmare and I can only imagine how you must feel watching this unfold from the outside. Your niece and nephew have been cursed with a pair of useless ineffective parents and whilst on paper everything reads perfectly acceptable from a living standards perspective, the impact from this situation will have repercussions down the line.

If I were you I would keep the new children at arms length and make sure your niece and nephew know they are your priority.

I have a 15 year old and hell would freeze over before I made her share her room with an unrelated 8 year old. This is absolute madness and not teething problems or early days or whatever. It’s shitty parenting. Your sister has sacrificed her children’s happiness and stability because her new boyfriend wanted a bigger house for his kids. WTAF.

There are more ‘mangled’ families than ‘blended’ families. Usually due to the selfishness of adults in lurrrrrve and the fact that the poor kids don’t really have a choice… or realise what they are choosing.

Completely agree.

I understand the point you’re making and I think you’re right in terms of the sister’s motivations.

However, she can have the relationship (the texts and dates, etc) without moving the man and his children into her children’s space.

i expect what happened was that “Ben” love-bombed to get his feet under the table in the 4-bedroom house. This should be a red flag to any sensible woman that what is motivating the man to move fast is not romantic feeling but material concerns. I think “Ben” is more interested in the sister’s real estate than her as a person.

So I do think the sister is being financially exploited. But she’s allowed this to happen - and she’s sacrificed her children’s security to be able to financially provide for a man and his family.

Shes essentially paying for a relationship - and her children are suffering.

what a selfish person. I find a lot of adults are

So what is to stop the father moving back to the family home & having kids & the mother moving out?

Isn't he any more prepared to put them first than she is?

Yes, what does the father think about all this? Who is paying the mortgage on the home?

I would be encouraging him to get involved. Is it within his rights to push the sale of the house? I’d be doing this if that man and his 2 children don’t move out. Hopefully the threat might be enough to make your sister rethink the living situation?

You're a great aunt OP, and your sister is a terrible, terrible mother.

Oh but then where would cocklodger and his kids live?

Him pushing the sale of the house would be a good move or pushing the sister out might be an option.

Its certainly nuts if hes walked away leaving her the house and kids and then the kids end up living with him.

Only for her and new man to be lording it up. I also find it odd that the other Mum has walked away from her kids.

Also why was the boyfriend living in a 2-bedroom house with (pretty much) sole custody? What happened to his family home - especially with such young children.

Doesn’t really affect the niece and nephew’s predicament - just another thing that seems odd about the new partner

his kids were sharing a tiny room in a rented house before

Thanks for confirmation. Chloe needs to swap with the five year old.

Ben's two kids will still be better off in a house than a small flat and are young enough to share the larger room.

Chloe shouldn't be sharing with an unrelated annoying 8 year old. It's not reasonable.

Longer term they could consider splitting the room or adding an extension.

Oh but then where would cocklodger and his kids live?

Well that would hardly be his concern would it & he was obviously housing himself & his kids previously.

Sometimes I think if the father is still paying/paying towards housing his kids in the family home then it should just be used for that purpose.

Or maybe, in the longer term, they could consider being responsible loving parents who put their children’s needs before their wants and don’t live together.