For telling my sister blending her family is hurting her kids?

[PoshestPaws]

I named changed for this as it’s very outing but despite changing small details it’s probably very recognisable. It might be the best way of getting through to my sister depending on people’s comments so it’s possible I’ll show her anyway.

My Dsis is currently refusing to speak to me because I was sick of saying nothing whilst my niece and nephew were becoming increasingly miserable with their home life.
I gave her some home truths which she refuses to accept and thinks I’m just jealous.

Dsis split up with my BIL 3 years ago and he has the kids EOW, he probably could have them more but he wasn’t the most involved father, I think that’s a lot of what caused the split.

Dsis met a man called Ben just over a year ago who has two kids Sara 8 and Josh 5.
My Niece Chloe is 14 and my nephew Noah is 12 they met Ben and his kids about 5 months into the relationship.
Ben is the RP of his kids as according to Dsis his ex wasn’t keen on being a parent and really struggled. There is no custody agreement in place as she travels a lot for work but sees the kids fairly regularly for a few days at a time and she had them a lot over the summer.

Shortly after they all met my Dsis said they were all moving in together as Ben was constantly complaining about living in a two bedroom flat and I think he manipulated Dsis by saying how much happier the kids were at her house and how much better it would be if they were all together, Dsis lives in the family home after BIL moved out which has 4 bedrooms, she made what seems a strange decision to me for Sara and Chloe to share.
Her reasoning was that Chloe had a big room and girls would have more in common with each other than if the boys shared. She also she said Josh went to bed and got up much earlier than the other kids so was better in a separate room.

Chloe absolutely hates sharing a room and says Sara uses her things and loses and breaks them, she has no privacy and has no private space to spend time with her friends and she hates Sara wittering on at her through the night and constantly wanting entertaining.

My sister constantly expects her kids to amuse the other children and they no longer really get any one on one time with her anymore. On days out things are often tailored for younger kids and they feel like they have been pushed aside, they told me that they feel so relieved when they stay with their dad and their grandparents on his side, my mum and dad are no longer alive so they are their only grandparents.

I feel like my Dsis is often using her own kids to have a break and alone time with Ben, I have offered to have my niece and nephew frequently as I don’t have any children so it’s a chance for them to get undivided attention, I suggested having them separately and together and planning some trips and days out.
One of the biggest reason that caused us to fall out is that my Dsis wants me to regularly have all the kids so I can get to know her “step kids” and help them all to bond, this also means she can go away or have nights out with Ben. I said absolutely not! I’m not looking after young kids I hardly know and it’ll just cement even more to Chloe and Noah that they are being pushed aside for virtual strangers.

The whole situation is a mess but Dsis just can’t see it, my niece and nephew have given up trying to talk to her as she just says to “give it time” and when I accused her of neglecting her kids she points out they have a roof over their head, clean clothes and food, they get holidays and days out but mostly that they are loved. I do know she loves them but she’s always been selfish and my parents constantly had the kids when they were alive. I think my niece and nephew are so used to not having their parents attention that they don’t know any better and know complaining gets them nowhere so they are just becoming increasingly miserable.

Chloe and Noah’s grandparents on their dads side are also very worried and becoming frustrated with my Dsis for putting a man first, they told me they have tried to get their son to do more but he works shifts and often nights and doesn’t have much space or live as close to their schools or friends. Their grandparents were especially angry when they asked my Dsis what the kids wanted for Christmas and she gave them suggestions but also included expensive gifts for the other kids! They said they were happy to buy some small token gifts but they aren’t spending less on their own grandkids to buy for kids they don’t know.

I know my niece and nephew aren’t keen on Ben and didn’t want to live with another man they hardly know, Chloe especially said she finds it uncomfortable. They also hate how noisy and chaotic the house is and how it’s constantly in a tip when my sister loved a calm clean and tidy house before. Chloe and Noah are quiet kids but Josh is a typical rowdy messy 5 year old, Sara is constantly singing and dancing and pestering Chloe to watch her or make up dances with her, if Chloe has friends round then Sara won’t leave them alone so her friends have stopped visiting as much. None of the kids want to entertain Josh so he has constant control over the tv, if the channel is changed he has huge tantrums.
I hate spending time in that house now so can’t imagine how awful it must be to live there!

I posted on here for traffic and I don’t really need to ask if I’m BU, I wanted advice more than anything- especially from people who have been in a similar situation. Did you keep quiet or risk blowing your whole relationship apart by telling some home truths?

I apologise for the length of the post, I didn’t mean for it to be so long but didn’t want to drip feed and thought if I included as much information in the OP then I don’t have the same questions asked over and over because the answers get missed and people sometimes just just read the OP.

Where on earth are the exes. Don't they step up to have their own children.

It's very sad that your sister has junked her own sister and parents with her unreasonable demands. Family should alll step back from the drama she has created and just look out for the children.

Are they actually divorced? What was the official ruling on the house?

Because if not divorced yet I’d be getting evil to file and forcing a sale of the home, so me as ex uk could have a more appropriate home as well to be closer and have my children more.

If they are divorced and the home is to be sold at some point as the agreement again I’d be forcing it though.

BIL does need to really step up. Protect his children from this mess.

You aren't wrong, but I'm not sure giving home truths to your sister will have any impact. Unless she's a bit stupid she must already know she's giving her own kids a raw deal, she's choosing not to acknowledge it because that's easier for her and gets her what she wants.

Your exBIL should be stepping up tbh. Might be worth trying to talk to him if he's a reasonable person?

I am in a blended family with an age gap and from day one I made sure my DC came first to me above my DP or his DC. His DC come first to him.

Firstly we split a room in half so that everyone had their own room and no one is forced to share. We waited until we found a house that was perfect for everyone to have their own space until then we stayed in our separate homes.

No one is allowed to bother another person by going into their room they must knock and ask. If they start bothering each other the parents step in and redivert away. We are big on privacy it’s our no 1 rule.

I also make sure each of us goes and does stuff with our own kids without the rest of the family very regularly, I don’t force anyone to eat meals together or do boring activities they don’t want to do. No one is obliged to hang out together, it’s optional and there are no guilt trips

Yes your sister is BU. You can be blended without making the kids suffer.

But your niece and nephew also have a dad who is equally dreadful so I don’t think all the blame can be on your sister here

I also have a sister who is constantly trying to offload her kids and it does affect your feelings towards your sibling, I am sick of it. My sister has a lot of kids and now sees me as easy childcare as all the kids entertain her kids so she doesn’t have to do the work. I really get fed up with her asking me so I don’t help as much as I would if it was left to me to choose to see them

I think you absolutely should show your sister this thread.

OP's sister, if you're reading, you are unbelievably selfish and your children are going to grow up to hate you. Then when your bf leaves you really will be alone.

The children should barely have been introduced yet, let alone living together. How could you make your poor teenage daughter have an unrelated 8 year old move into her bedroom?? Her space?? It's so devastatingly unkind. You are NOT a family and you never will be. Blended families don't work and you can keep pretending if you like but while you're pretending, your kids are being failed by you and in the end will distance themselves as much as they can and then leave you. It won't 'work out in the end' and it won't 'settle down'. It will get worse. I guarantee it.

You only have one choice and that is to tell Ben it's not working and ask him to move out. If you don't, you're a shit mother.

OP, in the meantime just try to be a safe space for the poor kids as much as you can. I feel terribly sorry for them as their own mother is failing them badly so she can live out some bullshit family fantasy that is never going to be true.

Yes. Are Ben’s XW’s parents buying expensive gifts for your niece and nephew? No. Because his XW’s parents are not his new partner’s kids’ step-grandparents.

Well I guess the one thing you can do is give Chloe a key and provide her with desk space in your house so she can come somewhere quiet to do her homework, even if you’re out at work?

Why can't his kids share a room with a divider of some sort?

Sounds as if your sister is providing much more than he could & he's unlikely to leave if that's her concern.

She really is a bloody idiot isn't she?

No, I wouldn't have kept quiet. Though I think I'd have avoided very loaded terms like 'neglect', as you've discovered this results in the person latching on to defending themselves against that, and throwing out the rest of what you have to say with it.
I think I'd have pulled my punches a little and talked to her about any practical suggestions I had to improve things for the DC. Keeping in mind, her throwing out Ben is not going to realistically happen. So with that in mind what could you suggest to help the DC? A partitioned bedroom? More time for DC with you (you sound a lovely aunt) or with GPs etc.
I think overall you need to tread carefully. Because your sister has the power to cut you off from her DC if you offend her. My priority in your shoes would be staying in their lives. They need you.

I feel like I’m defending the sister, and this is not my intention. I don’t have a blended family or any intention of creating one. However we must reflect on what we’re suggesting the alternative is.
The alternative, to some women and men, is unthinkable. We all have different attachments and some people just need to be in relationships. They need support. They need that validation. They aren’t strong enough to be on their own with their children.
It’s relentless and essentially it will feel unfathomable for your sister to conceive of waking up alone, hanging out with her kids on a Friday/ Saturday night, not having anyone to text or to validate her. Do you think she is capable of such re- programming? It would take a lot of therapy!

I know MN is not a democracy, but just casting my vote for YANBU.

It sounds like OP's sister needs a dose of reality. That said, the OP using terms like "neglect" is probably not helpful in making her open her eyes to what she is doing.

In the sister's reality, she has a new boyfriend who seems a nice guy, has two lovely kids and is a great dad to them. She wants them all to be a happy family and immediately begins to prioritise her boyfriend's kids because (a) they are younger (and many families favour younger children over older), (b) she is not their mum and wants to make a good impression/build a relationship, and (c) she probably still sees them as guests in her house and so deserving special treatment.

At the same time she has de-prioritised her own children because (a) they are nice kids who she assumes understand and agree with her priorities, (b) they are older and should understand that younger kids get a bit more attention, and (c) they have always been there and she is treating them as part of the furniture rather than even considering that they have feelings.

Importantly, she does not think she is doing anything wrong, and the focus needs to be on the negative impact this is having on her own children, not on any suggestion that she is deliberately doing anything wrong.

The worst part is that her kids are so lovely and well-brought up that rather than being vile to everyone including the boyfriend's kids, they seem to be just accepting their lot. Unless things change they will steadily become more and more unhappy and isolated until they reach an age where they can move out and their mum will turn around and wonder why she has no meaningful relationship with either of them and never gets to see her grandkids.

My advice to OP is to keep it up, spoil her nephew and neice rotten, and do not give in to pressure to take all of the kids for weekends. Have faith that you are doing the right thing and thank goodness that boy and girl have someone in their corner because it doesn't sound like either of their parents are.

Final word, the nephew and neice's dad could do more too. He seems to be getting off lightly. Maybe he could take them every weekend instead of every other weekend for a while?

I hate stories like these. Parents need to put their children and their interests first.

OP I really feel for you I am an auntie in a very similar position and it’s horrible seeing your nephews and nieces unhappy and not prioritised in their own home. I’ve found the best approach is to offer them an alternative space to go to, bring friends to also if they like and to drop things into the conversation with sibling about the need for teens to have their own space etc. directly criticising does not work it just leads to defensiveness and you want the door left open so you can have some influence on their lives. Good luck I know how hard it is x

This is a very hard situation for all the children and I can understand your concerns.

Bluntly, this demonstrates all of the issues with blended families - the adults are put first and and the children last. The Dad clearly wanted to find a woman with a big house to finance his family and provide childcare and your sister has put a feckless & grabby man like this before her children.

There was absolutely no need for your sister to move this man and his family in. Her relationship choices should not be at the expense of her children’s privacy, safety and comfort. It’s not appropriate for a 14-year old to have no private space and to share with an 8-year old she isn’t related to. How is she supposed to study or have friends over? I can’t think of anything worse to a 14-year old than having a strange man in her house with no private space to retreat to. She may never forgive your sister.

In terms of what you can do, I would just continue to be a safe space and ear for your niece and nephew. I suspect they will turn more and more to you and their Dad and Grandparents so all you can do is prioritise them as much as possible - as their mother clearly has not.

I don’t know what to say-it sounds appalling. Yes, I would tell her-she can choose not to listen but she should be in no doubt about her family’s feelings. Why do people do this? I would push back on having the partner’s kids and try to give her kids some down time and their own space. FWIW, I was a single parent and my dh and I waited years before we moved in together after the kids were at university precisely to avoid these sorts of problems.

This in a nutshell! hahahaha we need the laughing emoji back.

Surely your ex BIL should step up at least enough to say, "Either each of MY children have their own room and the cocklodger's kids share, or our deal is off and the house will have to be sold."

Is he not even remotely bothered by the fact that he can't get his equity out of the house because he agreed that his ex needed to provide a stable home for the children, but that three out of the four bedrooms are now being wholly or partly occupied by this new man and his kids?

This all sounds awful!

Poor Chloe in particular- she will have her GCSEs coming up and needs private space to study. She’s the last one of the kids who should have to share.

If your DSIS must move these virtual strangers into her children’s home, she should have put the two step kids, the youngest two, in together with some kind of divider if possible.

I don't know that you can do anything except be a listening ear for your niece and nephew, but in terms of things your sister might like to consider I can contribute.

My sister is nearly eight years older than I am. When I was Sara's age, 5-7, we shared a bedroom. She was away at boarding school and not having the best time (I now know, though of course I didn't then), and in the holidays she was deprived of space and privacy. I don't think she or my older brother were ever thrilled about having me in the family but these years put the tin lid on it. Things went from unfair to ridiculously unfair when I was sent aged eight to the same boarding school and she was expected to take some responsibility for me without any means or authority to do so. She hated me and said so, and her efforts over the years to overcome her loathing and be kind were so visibly strenuous that they were quite insulting in themselves. I used to hate her right back. Later I came to understand her perspective and concluded that it wasn't her fault - but it wasn't mine, either. There isn't a happy ending. After our mother died I thought things through and concluded that our relationship had only ever been stressful at best and was best brought to an end. I've been no contact for eight years now and find it a relief. I hope she does too, but I doubt if she'll have got over the injustice she was subjected to.

Your sister is imposing an immeasurable sacrifice on your niece, and your niece is being given no choice in the matter. If she thinks your niece will adjust and come to love it she is living in a dream world. There will be consequences.

Your sister is a selfish dickhead, but you knew that already. You were, of course, right to speak up - actually I think it was your duty to. Different if it's an acquaintance or stranger, but I don't believe in family creeping round adults who are clearly doing wrong, pretending everything's okay when it isn't.

Your niece and nephew are old enough that you can have a relationship with them independent from your sister. Let them know they can stay whenever, keep on offering them attention and inviting them out. If your sister wants to be in a mood because you're not taking the other two, thereby facilitating a convenient time for her and Ben to shag, let her get on with it! I wouldn't want responsibility for four children for any length of time, even if I did know them all! Although I agree it would be harmful to your niece and nephew to have them over anyway.

You sound like a really lovely Auntie, standing up and doing what's right for the children in your family x

This is so true. Your sister was given the house to provide her children with a safe and comfortable home - not to provide housing for some grabby man’s kids at the expense of his own children. Your ex-BIL is entitled to be furious.

I also agree with other posters saying don’t be afraid of speaking up and antagonising your sister. Being non-judgemental extends to scenarios where others’ actions only affect themselves (and other consenting adults) . Here your niece and nephew are undoubtedly being harmed - I’d heap all the (deserved) judgement on your sister so that your niece and nephew know they have someone on their side who recognises the severity of what is being inflicted on them.

This WILL blow up in your sister’s face further down the line. But it might not be before your nephew and particularly your niece have suffered a lot of harm. Your teen years are precious and fleeting - your sister is depriving your niece of the joy of hers and that isn’t something she will ever be able to make amends for in the future.

I was your DSis. I did this a few years ago and wrecked my relationship with my two lovely children, all for a man ("no man falls in love as quickly as a man who needs a home") and his poisonous daughter. Managed to get him out - not married TG but still took 3 months - and then spent the next few years repairing my relationships with them, which I'm not sure have completely recovered. I wish you luck and good friends around your DSis as support.

Oh here we go. She's yet another desperate woman who will do anything to hang on to a man, and that includes not caring what happens to her children. She needs to stop obsessing about having a bloody boyfriend and grow up.

My sister is similar. Slightly different in that her partner (who I do actually like) doesn't live there yet but my nieces have been negatively affected by their mum putting herself first and the oldest one especially absolutely hates it. She has pretty much voted with her feet by spending almost all her waking hours at my mums instead of being at home. She's only 14. My sister does not listen to anything anyone says and will be heartbroken when my oldest niece moves away to uni at 18 and probably never returns (she tells me this all the time) as she thinks she is the perfect mum.

In my sisters head, she has always put her children first (she hasn't) and its now 'her time' to loive her life, have a partner, blend families, have a child together etc, and has absolutely no ability to reflect that this is not good for her children, they hate having to share their home with a man they don't know and actually feel uncomfortable in their own home most of the time. She also leaves them a lot to go and visit him when he isn't at theirs meaning the eldest is in sole responsibility for the younger one til the early hours of the morning. Its far too much to expect from a 14 year old but she truly doesn't think she is doing anything wrong.

I have no advice to give you as my sister is incapable of listening to anyone elses opinion or to actually listen to what her children tell her repeatedly. She is damaging her relationship with them every day she continues like this and she will honestly be shocked when the eldest one particularly wont have much of a relationship with her when she's older.

I can only offer you solidarity & perhaps try to have them at yours more so they have a safe space away from their own home.

Totally, the Dads obviously just looking for cheap digs and a lady use and abuse.

I wonder how all these kids will eventually turn out because I doubt this will be the only 'new mum' his kids will have.

Ops Sister is being really daft opening herself and family home up to be used and abused.