For telling my sister blending her family is hurting her kids?

[PoshestPaws]

I named changed for this as it’s very outing but despite changing small details it’s probably very recognisable. It might be the best way of getting through to my sister depending on people’s comments so it’s possible I’ll show her anyway.

My Dsis is currently refusing to speak to me because I was sick of saying nothing whilst my niece and nephew were becoming increasingly miserable with their home life.
I gave her some home truths which she refuses to accept and thinks I’m just jealous.

Dsis split up with my BIL 3 years ago and he has the kids EOW, he probably could have them more but he wasn’t the most involved father, I think that’s a lot of what caused the split.

Dsis met a man called Ben just over a year ago who has two kids Sara 8 and Josh 5.
My Niece Chloe is 14 and my nephew Noah is 12 they met Ben and his kids about 5 months into the relationship.
Ben is the RP of his kids as according to Dsis his ex wasn’t keen on being a parent and really struggled. There is no custody agreement in place as she travels a lot for work but sees the kids fairly regularly for a few days at a time and she had them a lot over the summer.

Shortly after they all met my Dsis said they were all moving in together as Ben was constantly complaining about living in a two bedroom flat and I think he manipulated Dsis by saying how much happier the kids were at her house and how much better it would be if they were all together, Dsis lives in the family home after BIL moved out which has 4 bedrooms, she made what seems a strange decision to me for Sara and Chloe to share.
Her reasoning was that Chloe had a big room and girls would have more in common with each other than if the boys shared. She also she said Josh went to bed and got up much earlier than the other kids so was better in a separate room.

Chloe absolutely hates sharing a room and says Sara uses her things and loses and breaks them, she has no privacy and has no private space to spend time with her friends and she hates Sara wittering on at her through the night and constantly wanting entertaining.

My sister constantly expects her kids to amuse the other children and they no longer really get any one on one time with her anymore. On days out things are often tailored for younger kids and they feel like they have been pushed aside, they told me that they feel so relieved when they stay with their dad and their grandparents on his side, my mum and dad are no longer alive so they are their only grandparents.

I feel like my Dsis is often using her own kids to have a break and alone time with Ben, I have offered to have my niece and nephew frequently as I don’t have any children so it’s a chance for them to get undivided attention, I suggested having them separately and together and planning some trips and days out.
One of the biggest reason that caused us to fall out is that my Dsis wants me to regularly have all the kids so I can get to know her “step kids” and help them all to bond, this also means she can go away or have nights out with Ben. I said absolutely not! I’m not looking after young kids I hardly know and it’ll just cement even more to Chloe and Noah that they are being pushed aside for virtual strangers.

The whole situation is a mess but Dsis just can’t see it, my niece and nephew have given up trying to talk to her as she just says to “give it time” and when I accused her of neglecting her kids she points out they have a roof over their head, clean clothes and food, they get holidays and days out but mostly that they are loved. I do know she loves them but she’s always been selfish and my parents constantly had the kids when they were alive. I think my niece and nephew are so used to not having their parents attention that they don’t know any better and know complaining gets them nowhere so they are just becoming increasingly miserable.

Chloe and Noah’s grandparents on their dads side are also very worried and becoming frustrated with my Dsis for putting a man first, they told me they have tried to get their son to do more but he works shifts and often nights and doesn’t have much space or live as close to their schools or friends. Their grandparents were especially angry when they asked my Dsis what the kids wanted for Christmas and she gave them suggestions but also included expensive gifts for the other kids! They said they were happy to buy some small token gifts but they aren’t spending less on their own grandkids to buy for kids they don’t know.

I know my niece and nephew aren’t keen on Ben and didn’t want to live with another man they hardly know, Chloe especially said she finds it uncomfortable. They also hate how noisy and chaotic the house is and how it’s constantly in a tip when my sister loved a calm clean and tidy house before. Chloe and Noah are quiet kids but Josh is a typical rowdy messy 5 year old, Sara is constantly singing and dancing and pestering Chloe to watch her or make up dances with her, if Chloe has friends round then Sara won’t leave them alone so her friends have stopped visiting as much. None of the kids want to entertain Josh so he has constant control over the tv, if the channel is changed he has huge tantrums.
I hate spending time in that house now so can’t imagine how awful it must be to live there!

I posted on here for traffic and I don’t really need to ask if I’m BU, I wanted advice more than anything- especially from people who have been in a similar situation. Did you keep quiet or risk blowing your whole relationship apart by telling some home truths?

I apologise for the length of the post, I didn’t mean for it to be so long but didn’t want to drip feed and thought if I included as much information in the OP then I don’t have the same questions asked over and over because the answers get missed and people sometimes just just read the OP.

It is hard to fathom that a girl who had her own room, in her own mother's house, and needs to do homework, has teen concerns and need of privacy, has been made to share when the man's Dc shared in their previous house.

So now one of the sister's kids has to share while the man's two kids each have their own room.

Outrageous.

The 5 and 8 year old can easily share.

If I was Chloe I would 'go on strike' - move to her paternal grandparents until she gets a room of her own back!

They maybe only had a 2 bed or rented house. Plenty families are raised in 2 bed council houses.

But then she leaves her poor brother behind.

The children need to make their unhappiness very clear to their mother, telling her if the random man and his 2 children don’t move out and distance themselves, that they will both move to their grandparents.

Hopefully a sharp shock might get the mother thinking about more than just her desperate need for a live in boyfriend.

Sad but true however Chloe is the one whos hitting important school years, and doesn't have her own space.

Chloe needs to be a wee bit selfish and look after Chloe - Ben will have found another cow to milk in a year or two.

I think that a 14 year old girl having an unknown to her, 5 year old girl, foisted into her bedroom is emotionally abusive.
Her mother clearly couldn't care less about her.
Her mother needs to be reported, and why not?
If she is so proud of her choices, let her defend them.
Their father is a selfish waster too.

Totally understand where you’re coming from. Outside of the completely inappropriate room share though, the living situation as a whole is not appropriate. They both now have an unrelated male in their home, along with his 2 much younger children causing chaos. The home, I imagine, is a nightmare to live in and has to change for both of them.

Their relationship with their mother is also suffering, having to share her time doing age inappropriate activities with these random kids all the time.

I think if the kids stuck together and approached the mother, telling her she would lose them if the situation doesn’t change, there may be a stranger chance of this woman actually listening, and not just putting things down to a ‘moody teenage girl throwing a strop’ or some other nonsense.

Wow, your sister is unbelievable. So many things wrong with this.

She's put her DC at risk by moving a strange man into their home. His kids as well.

She's thinking of herself when she should be protecting her DC above all else. She's allowed him to have control of the situation.

She's completely changed her DCs home sanctuary. They must feel utterly lost.

She's putting him first. Where's her dignity?

etc

I think she'd benefit from having therapy.

YANBU

This is a good point. Even if Chloe had her own room, the new household arrangements aren’t appropriate for 2 teens. No children in your niece and nephew’s position would want to live with a strange man and his 2 small children. There is no way to happily blend these 2 families.

i agree with the PP who said this is emotionally abusive to the children. They have the right to some autonomy over their lives.

I agree with what others have said. Chloe's age (teenager) and her life-stage (exams, periods etc) suggest that she should be the last expected to share, but here we are and oh look, there's a big pachyderm in the room with Misogyny splashed all over its rump. Good luck ever walking back from that one, Chloe's Mum. It can't be good for Noah either. He's in high school now, things are getting real for him and what he and his sister are getting at home isn't the peace and quiet they need, but noisy little kids and two adults who think that moving everyone under one roof and sprinkling terms like "siblings" around will change reality.

They would probably benefit from a move to their grandparents, with you as extra support and study space if needed. The fact that they are a little older is helpful; no court is likely to push a 12 and 14 year old back into a situation where they aren't happy, with an unrelated man, his loud offspring and for the 14 year old, no space of her own at a time when she most needs it. I hope your Dsis realises that she could be sacrificing her relationship with her children and that once gone, it might not recover.

I have always thought, and remain firmly of the view, that foisting someone else’s kids on your own kids with this “blended family” lark is incredibly selfish.

I too would feel like your DN and DN. You suddenly have to share your bedroom, your private space, with a kid you’re not even related to? It’s absolutely barmy. All because the mother wants a new relationship and to accommodate the new bloke. No chance.

Your sister is selfish and I feel very sorry for your DN and DN.

Exactly the cat on heat look is hard on the children and family

Maybe, however I can't imagine Ben leaving quickly or without a fight. Remember the whole - Ah but we're family - shit

The girl can't afford to have home stress as well as school stress this year she needs somewhere quiet to study.

Growing up I shared a room, 3 year gap, the child who was studying always got priority over it to study in. I just can't imagine that happening in this house.

Indeed, sometimes it is best to pick a specific battle though! That seems the most obvious change the OP could advocate for, and help Chloe to assert her needs firmly and politely.

Now that we know more about the house situation, I agree with the posters suggesting that the ex-BIL steps up and talks to his ex-wife about selling the house. He agreed that they wouldn’t sell it to give HIS children stability, not a cocklodger’s family!
His parents might be the best people to
point this out to him though.

With the proceeds of the house, he could potentially buy or rent somewhere suitable for his children.

I would tread carefully though, OP. There was another recent thread where a Mum voiced her feelings about her adult son’s gf and it all blew up. You could end up becoming estranged from your sister and tbh, most children will side with their parent over extended family unless there’s actual abuse or neglect-and whatever you may think, this isn’t in that category. You don’t want to end up losing them all.

I think your advice is sensible - but I don’t think the OP needs to tread too carefully here.

If the issue was just her sister dating/housing a deadbeat boyfriend - I’d agree best to keep your views to yourself. But this is OP’s niece and nephew and she should advocate for them. I don’t think there is any risk that OP will ostracise her niece and nephew by speaking out clearly against this situation.

@wfhwfh I know that she has their best interests at heart, but children can be very loyal to their parents. That’s why I think the paternal grandparents pointing out to their son that he’s paying to house the cocklodger’s family could be a good approach.

My elderly Dad can be a nightmare sometimes, but I still bristle if anyone criticizes him, even if they’re right!

Seen this with a friend determined to move in with her bf and his two children, her dd wanted nothing to do with it. She was traumatised by her parents' divorce and didn't want to move away from the home she'd known all her life that was near her dad to live with two older kids she didn't particularly get on with, despite being told she should suck it up.

It took an intervention from friend's sisters to make my friend pause. Now the agreement is she won't move in with her bf until dd leaves home in three years time. Don't know what the sisters said to make her see the light but thank God they did. Is there other family who can back you up, OP, because the more of you are banded together the more likely the message is to penetrate.

I think showing Chloe how to care for / interact with / be in charge of the younger children is the most immediately helpful thing you can do. No, she shouldn't have to, but in the situation she is in, learning how to care for the younger children will give her an element of control over the situation.

If you do have all the kids over, you can gently reinforce that Chloe should be obeyed whilst offering different activities for different ages - film for the younger ones while you chat to the bigger ones or something.

Other than that it might be possible to help Chloe find a Saturday job or similar so she can build up some savings. I suppose it could be linked - if she gets confident caring for Ben's kids she might feel able to babysit for other local families.

You can offer Chloe and Noah a home when they're a bit older - maybe you're close to a really good sixth form / FE college?

Poor kids. Your sister sounds very selfish and also foolish. I suspect that 'Ben' is using her mainly for the better living quarters as well as for a babysitter, and she's too blind to see it. Very sad for your niece and nephew. (And no way I'd be babysitting the boyfriend's kids! They aren't even your sister's 'stepchildren' if she and Ben aren't married--and I doubt he'll ever marry her unless he thinks it will be to his financial advantage)

Unfortunately your sister is a terrible mother. And one thing about terrible mothers (or fathers) is they don’t believe they are terrible parents. Not a lot you can do I’m afraid, beyond what you’ve done.

If it was America, the children could sue for emancipation.

I could have written this post OP. My nephew’s parents separated when he was nine and neither have prioritised him particularly. His dad has married the affair partner and lives abroad. He does see his son (now in his late teens) but it’s not the close relationship he would like to imagine. His mum got over the affair and divorce by very much throwing herself into the single life and leaving nephew to be parented by his grandma. She then got together with a new partner who had a small boy and nephew became almost an afterthought- everything is focused on the ‘new family’. On the plus side, new partners parents are extremely welcoming and inclusive of my nephew so a small silver lining there.

My best advice is to continue being there for your niece and nephew. It’s so important that they can have someone to rely on and know is there for them. I’ve made it clear to my nephew that my door is always open and he often does come and hang out with his old auntie. We’re quite similar in a lot of ways which helps. I feel sad that his parents take him for granted, especially as we don’t have a wide extended family but I’ve come to accept I can’t change them. As your DN and DN get older they will be able to make their own choices about which family members to spend time with. The results might be telling.

No, Chloe should not have to be in charge of the little ones. She’s not a fucking babysitter

Sadly your sister is desperate to hold on to Ben. I never understand why people do this to their kids. They are not considered when new relationships start your sister sounds really selfish tbh and not a good mother if she was always trying to bin them off to others why would she change now? You could ask the kids to write her a letter explaining how they feel about this new set up and how there feelings are not being taken seriously. Unfortunately Ben means more to her now otherwise she would never have changed how they lived. It’s like her making the girls share why if the boy is young enough he could have shared with his sister I’m sure they did this in the 2 bed flat. I don’t know how you can make her listen to you she doesn’t care about her kids.

It sounds to me as if your sister's kids would be much happier if they went to live with their Dad, they obviously hate losing their space and the run of their home.
This often happens if a separated mother falls very physically in love with a new man- it happened to my cousin when he was about 8 and he was packed off to boarding school so my aunt and her new man had the house to themselves. my aunt died last year and her son who was sent to boarding school never forgave her, and I don't blame him. He never let his Mum be very involved in his children's lives which caused her a lot of pain- but it is just the reflection of the pain of separation he felt.
Someone should sit your sister down and point out the problems she is making for herself, and that she is very likely to regret her behaviour in future.