For telling my sister blending her family is hurting her kids?

[PoshestPaws]

I named changed for this as it’s very outing but despite changing small details it’s probably very recognisable. It might be the best way of getting through to my sister depending on people’s comments so it’s possible I’ll show her anyway.

My Dsis is currently refusing to speak to me because I was sick of saying nothing whilst my niece and nephew were becoming increasingly miserable with their home life.
I gave her some home truths which she refuses to accept and thinks I’m just jealous.

Dsis split up with my BIL 3 years ago and he has the kids EOW, he probably could have them more but he wasn’t the most involved father, I think that’s a lot of what caused the split.

Dsis met a man called Ben just over a year ago who has two kids Sara 8 and Josh 5.
My Niece Chloe is 14 and my nephew Noah is 12 they met Ben and his kids about 5 months into the relationship.
Ben is the RP of his kids as according to Dsis his ex wasn’t keen on being a parent and really struggled. There is no custody agreement in place as she travels a lot for work but sees the kids fairly regularly for a few days at a time and she had them a lot over the summer.

Shortly after they all met my Dsis said they were all moving in together as Ben was constantly complaining about living in a two bedroom flat and I think he manipulated Dsis by saying how much happier the kids were at her house and how much better it would be if they were all together, Dsis lives in the family home after BIL moved out which has 4 bedrooms, she made what seems a strange decision to me for Sara and Chloe to share.
Her reasoning was that Chloe had a big room and girls would have more in common with each other than if the boys shared. She also she said Josh went to bed and got up much earlier than the other kids so was better in a separate room.

Chloe absolutely hates sharing a room and says Sara uses her things and loses and breaks them, she has no privacy and has no private space to spend time with her friends and she hates Sara wittering on at her through the night and constantly wanting entertaining.

My sister constantly expects her kids to amuse the other children and they no longer really get any one on one time with her anymore. On days out things are often tailored for younger kids and they feel like they have been pushed aside, they told me that they feel so relieved when they stay with their dad and their grandparents on his side, my mum and dad are no longer alive so they are their only grandparents.

I feel like my Dsis is often using her own kids to have a break and alone time with Ben, I have offered to have my niece and nephew frequently as I don’t have any children so it’s a chance for them to get undivided attention, I suggested having them separately and together and planning some trips and days out.
One of the biggest reason that caused us to fall out is that my Dsis wants me to regularly have all the kids so I can get to know her “step kids” and help them all to bond, this also means she can go away or have nights out with Ben. I said absolutely not! I’m not looking after young kids I hardly know and it’ll just cement even more to Chloe and Noah that they are being pushed aside for virtual strangers.

The whole situation is a mess but Dsis just can’t see it, my niece and nephew have given up trying to talk to her as she just says to “give it time” and when I accused her of neglecting her kids she points out they have a roof over their head, clean clothes and food, they get holidays and days out but mostly that they are loved. I do know she loves them but she’s always been selfish and my parents constantly had the kids when they were alive. I think my niece and nephew are so used to not having their parents attention that they don’t know any better and know complaining gets them nowhere so they are just becoming increasingly miserable.

Chloe and Noah’s grandparents on their dads side are also very worried and becoming frustrated with my Dsis for putting a man first, they told me they have tried to get their son to do more but he works shifts and often nights and doesn’t have much space or live as close to their schools or friends. Their grandparents were especially angry when they asked my Dsis what the kids wanted for Christmas and she gave them suggestions but also included expensive gifts for the other kids! They said they were happy to buy some small token gifts but they aren’t spending less on their own grandkids to buy for kids they don’t know.

I know my niece and nephew aren’t keen on Ben and didn’t want to live with another man they hardly know, Chloe especially said she finds it uncomfortable. They also hate how noisy and chaotic the house is and how it’s constantly in a tip when my sister loved a calm clean and tidy house before. Chloe and Noah are quiet kids but Josh is a typical rowdy messy 5 year old, Sara is constantly singing and dancing and pestering Chloe to watch her or make up dances with her, if Chloe has friends round then Sara won’t leave them alone so her friends have stopped visiting as much. None of the kids want to entertain Josh so he has constant control over the tv, if the channel is changed he has huge tantrums.
I hate spending time in that house now so can’t imagine how awful it must be to live there!

I posted on here for traffic and I don’t really need to ask if I’m BU, I wanted advice more than anything- especially from people who have been in a similar situation. Did you keep quiet or risk blowing your whole relationship apart by telling some home truths?

I apologise for the length of the post, I didn’t mean for it to be so long but didn’t want to drip feed and thought if I included as much information in the OP then I don’t have the same questions asked over and over because the answers get missed and people sometimes just just read the OP.

Your sister is a selfish cow and should be putting her own kids first. Disgusting really.

You’ve let your niece and nephew know that they’re welcome to spend time with you -realistically, that’s all you can do.

The reality is that we can’t force other people to parent their children a certain way, assuming that the children aren’t at risk, being properly fed, etc. Your sister and their Dad will parent as they see fit and hopefully, they’ll realize that things need to change.

I would say stop butting in your neither of any children's parent here and it's none of your business. Siblings have exactly the same grouches so nothing new there when sharing rooms or doing day activities depending on which ages it's for. The fact they've got an aunty sticking her nose in instead of being neutral between all and a good friend then I wouldn't want you around tbh.

Why couldn't Ben get another place to live with his kids?

Anyway maybe Chloe could have a room divider to give her some privacy until these leeches move out.

Because he's s cocklodger and he wants to get his leg over which would be difficult if they lived in separate houses

I think my sister is feeling a bit desperate to be blunt.

She was always desperate to get married and saw it as a huge achievement, she was married very young and was before that she was training for a great career, had a good social life, hobbies and friends.
As soon as she was married she ended her training and had an obsession with having babies and didn’t want to do anything without her husband.
The sad thing is even after the kids came along they always came second, she was constantly trying to find for someone else to look after them and used to beg my parents to have them and just drop them off when they said no.

When her marriage ended I know she felt like she had failed life so she was trying to meet someone else straight away, her behaviour now shouldn’t really surprise me, she is obviously terrified of another relationship ending and will do anything to hang onto it. It’s just heartbreaking it’s at the expense of the happiness of her kids.

Because I spent years with her telling me how I must want what she had and questioning if I had fertility issues it makes it even more difficult now because it just convinces her that I must be jealous when I say anything she disagrees with.

I wish she had spent some time on her own focusing on the kids, they need to be her priority and I don’t like interfering.
I’m scared she’s going to end up being completely taken advantage of because she will do everything to hang onto Ben, until they actually get married I don’t think she will feel secure and I have wondered a few times if she’s doing everything to show him what a good wife she will be and stepmum.
I feel like he’s completely aware of her insecurity and used it to move into her house and is the ultimate cocklodger, I definitely don’t trust him.

It's often the outsider who has the best perspective on a situation.
I wonder if the OP feels she is also speaking up on behalf of the missing maternal grandparents?

Well done on refusing to have all four children. Your niece and nephew at least have someone aware that they need attention and time away from the chaos. Could they stay with you one night a week? If you have room that is.

She sounds like a complete dick.
REALLY weirdo behavior to move them in so fast, to make a poor teen girl to have to share with a much younger child and the batshitness of asking her exes parents to buy for new boyfriends kids? WEIRDO.

Id just keep reaching out to niece and nephew and invite them over to you as much as you can. Let them have special sleepovers etc with you. No it’s not mean to exclude the younger ones when your niece and nephew get NO time away from them.

So she actually expected her ex in-laws to buy her new step kids Christmas presents?

These poor kids are screwed by both parents. You’ve told her how you feel how selfish she is you can’t do any more but offer your niece and nephew a safe space if they need it. And refuse to take the step children but offer to regularly have your niece and nephew.

Are you stupid? Siblings are SIBLINGS, key point there. They grow up together and both have equal right to be in the family home. Of course it’s her business when it’s her niece and nephew. Ben could be a pedo for all we know and her sisters moved this unknown man in with two children she cares about.

@Bewareofstepfords The OP may well be right, but there’s not a darn thing that she can do except be there for her niece and nephew.

It sounds like an unusual situation with the paternal grandparents talking to the maternal aunt about everything too.

Tell us that you're so desperate to have a man in your life that you'll prioritise that man and his children over your own ...Rayqueen will go first.

She already knows, unfortunately. There are women who put having a man above absolutely everything else, including their own children's happiness, safety and health. She is one of them.

Can you provide a safe haven for her kids? Could they come to you for a break and stay over every couple of weekends or something like that?

Keep careful note of everything he is saying and doing too as he might also be a predator, predatory men are often pushy. Or he could just be a cocklodger, as you surmise.

Ben was constantly complaining about living in a two bedroom flat

So presumably Ben's kids were sharing a room before? They should be now. It's not ideal but at 8 and 5 is okay.

It's not reasonable to expect a 14 year girl to share with an unrelated noisy 8 year old. What about when she's got GCSEs?

I agree that there's nothing you can say that will change her mind. She either knows she's being selfish and is in denial or she's too self-focused to care about anyone else. Rather than give her a reason to deny you access to your niece and nephew, I'd put all your effort into having them over more often, supporting them as much as possible, and giving them a much-needed break from the chaos of their new blended lifestyle. YANBU, but there's nothing to be gained by antagonising your sister (for having the temerity to tell her the truth).

Normally I would be on the side of Dsis in these types of situations but not this time.
The problem is OP if you throw a grenade, will you lose all contact with Chloe and Noah when it sounds like they really need you fighting for them? Super shit she has done this I feel so sorry for the kids.

I'm so sorry for your niece and nephew. They have 2 shit parents. Thank goodness they have you as an involved aunty. Maybe you can get more involved w/ them in their afterschool activities - driving/walking them to games/practice/clubs, etc. They need a break from this awful new living arrangement. Sharing a room an 8 year old girl you don't even love or grow up with? That's insane.

Your Dsis is behaving horribly.

Your last post explained it really well.

I've seen it a few times in my family/friends.

Person wants a perfect family life, but for what ever reason it doesn't work. So then they desperately jump into any chance to "fix" the problem. Often involving moving in way to quick and trying so hard to recreate a single "perfect" family from two.

Can work, often doesn't. Safer to do it slowly.

Too late now though, just be there for the kids, if or when this relationship ends, having an aunty available could be very valuable.

Ben's 2BR flat for himself and two young children doesn't sound ideal but it does sound adequate - he could have given each child a bedroom and used the living room couch himself, or kept Josh in his room, or had the two children share although Sara will be too old for that in a few years. The current situation seems overall worse. Your sis's house simply isn't big enough for the expanded household.

Are your sister and Ben planning to move into a larger house at some point, especially if they are considering having children together? As they are both RPs, are they getting everything they deserve monetarily for the children from their respective exes? I know it won't completely solve the problem, but I imagine that especially for Chloe having her own room back and being secure that can keep a space of her own until she's able to leave home would be a huge relief and help. With something bigger on the horizon, it would be more palatable to either put Josh and Sara together or Josh in Ben's and your sister's room, knowing it's just for a short time.

Failing that, IS it a possibility for at least Chloe, and perhaps Noah too if he wants, to move in with their dad or at least do more of a 50/50 arrangement? They are old enough that their desires would matter in the case of a CAO or similar; and their relationship with their dad can be quite different as teens than it was as smaller children.

Dont get women like your sister,who pick up these loosers who move in with them. Her childrens father provided his kids with a spacious home not to have her dragging in some clown with 2 kids who cant short his life out. Nothing you can do about it tho,if your sister had any sense she wouldnt be dating him in the first place.

@Sporadica I think it’s highly likely that Chloe will decide to spend more time with her Dad as she’s the one forced to share a room, plus she’s beginning her GCSE years so she needs to be able to study.

At 14, she doesn’t need constant supervision if her Dad’s working, plus it sounds as if her paternal grandparents are supportive and would keep an eye on her.

A possible reasonable compromise is the 2 younger children of the boyfriend share a bed room. They are only 8 and 5 years old and presumably shared a room together in his previous accommodation. This way Chloe gets to keep her privacy (possibly have to move to a smaller room but maybe not as 8 and 5 year olds don't spend much time in their bedrooms alone except sleeping they tend to play in the family lounge as they like being around others)
It was unreasonable for the mother an her boyfriend to expect 14 yr old Chloe to share her room with a 8 year old, clearly they don't understand teenagers.
I suggest a designated time for the younger children on TV e.g between 3 and 5PM after school, that way the older children can watch what they want afterwards in their own designated time. The 5 year old should not be ruling the TV. Maybe the mother is not listening to you but if Chloe asks for designated TV time slots and explains her reasons perhaps mum and her boyfriend might agree.
Maybe have designated times when Chloe has the room to herself is another possibility.
I feel sorry for the older children particularly the mothers children. I'm not sure about family law in the UK but when you are 16 here in NZ you can choose where you live. If you keep a close relationship with Chloe perhaps she can move in with you when she is 16? Please keep supporting her as she will need you and her brother will too. Keep offering them time and nights at your place and a safe place to discuss their concerns

School wont be able to help. She is not actually unsafe, just doesn't like sharing her room and life with ssiblings. What can they do?

Yeah. Sister sounds too far gone. At least she has done her best though, and is there for the children.