For telling my sister blending her family is hurting her kids?

[PoshestPaws]

I named changed for this as it’s very outing but despite changing small details it’s probably very recognisable. It might be the best way of getting through to my sister depending on people’s comments so it’s possible I’ll show her anyway.

My Dsis is currently refusing to speak to me because I was sick of saying nothing whilst my niece and nephew were becoming increasingly miserable with their home life.
I gave her some home truths which she refuses to accept and thinks I’m just jealous.

Dsis split up with my BIL 3 years ago and he has the kids EOW, he probably could have them more but he wasn’t the most involved father, I think that’s a lot of what caused the split.

Dsis met a man called Ben just over a year ago who has two kids Sara 8 and Josh 5.
My Niece Chloe is 14 and my nephew Noah is 12 they met Ben and his kids about 5 months into the relationship.
Ben is the RP of his kids as according to Dsis his ex wasn’t keen on being a parent and really struggled. There is no custody agreement in place as she travels a lot for work but sees the kids fairly regularly for a few days at a time and she had them a lot over the summer.

Shortly after they all met my Dsis said they were all moving in together as Ben was constantly complaining about living in a two bedroom flat and I think he manipulated Dsis by saying how much happier the kids were at her house and how much better it would be if they were all together, Dsis lives in the family home after BIL moved out which has 4 bedrooms, she made what seems a strange decision to me for Sara and Chloe to share.
Her reasoning was that Chloe had a big room and girls would have more in common with each other than if the boys shared. She also she said Josh went to bed and got up much earlier than the other kids so was better in a separate room.

Chloe absolutely hates sharing a room and says Sara uses her things and loses and breaks them, she has no privacy and has no private space to spend time with her friends and she hates Sara wittering on at her through the night and constantly wanting entertaining.

My sister constantly expects her kids to amuse the other children and they no longer really get any one on one time with her anymore. On days out things are often tailored for younger kids and they feel like they have been pushed aside, they told me that they feel so relieved when they stay with their dad and their grandparents on his side, my mum and dad are no longer alive so they are their only grandparents.

I feel like my Dsis is often using her own kids to have a break and alone time with Ben, I have offered to have my niece and nephew frequently as I don’t have any children so it’s a chance for them to get undivided attention, I suggested having them separately and together and planning some trips and days out.
One of the biggest reason that caused us to fall out is that my Dsis wants me to regularly have all the kids so I can get to know her “step kids” and help them all to bond, this also means she can go away or have nights out with Ben. I said absolutely not! I’m not looking after young kids I hardly know and it’ll just cement even more to Chloe and Noah that they are being pushed aside for virtual strangers.

The whole situation is a mess but Dsis just can’t see it, my niece and nephew have given up trying to talk to her as she just says to “give it time” and when I accused her of neglecting her kids she points out they have a roof over their head, clean clothes and food, they get holidays and days out but mostly that they are loved. I do know she loves them but she’s always been selfish and my parents constantly had the kids when they were alive. I think my niece and nephew are so used to not having their parents attention that they don’t know any better and know complaining gets them nowhere so they are just becoming increasingly miserable.

Chloe and Noah’s grandparents on their dads side are also very worried and becoming frustrated with my Dsis for putting a man first, they told me they have tried to get their son to do more but he works shifts and often nights and doesn’t have much space or live as close to their schools or friends. Their grandparents were especially angry when they asked my Dsis what the kids wanted for Christmas and she gave them suggestions but also included expensive gifts for the other kids! They said they were happy to buy some small token gifts but they aren’t spending less on their own grandkids to buy for kids they don’t know.

I know my niece and nephew aren’t keen on Ben and didn’t want to live with another man they hardly know, Chloe especially said she finds it uncomfortable. They also hate how noisy and chaotic the house is and how it’s constantly in a tip when my sister loved a calm clean and tidy house before. Chloe and Noah are quiet kids but Josh is a typical rowdy messy 5 year old, Sara is constantly singing and dancing and pestering Chloe to watch her or make up dances with her, if Chloe has friends round then Sara won’t leave them alone so her friends have stopped visiting as much. None of the kids want to entertain Josh so he has constant control over the tv, if the channel is changed he has huge tantrums.
I hate spending time in that house now so can’t imagine how awful it must be to live there!

I posted on here for traffic and I don’t really need to ask if I’m BU, I wanted advice more than anything- especially from people who have been in a similar situation. Did you keep quiet or risk blowing your whole relationship apart by telling some home truths?

I apologise for the length of the post, I didn’t mean for it to be so long but didn’t want to drip feed and thought if I included as much information in the OP then I don’t have the same questions asked over and over because the answers get missed and people sometimes just just read the OP.

This. Right or wrong, it seems like you have approached in badly.

It makes me sad how many people can't be without a partner, and will so readily put their own sexual desires ahead of their own children's needs.

I voted YABU.

I agree with your take on the whole situation but YABU for telling her a few home truths about her parenting - that never goes well. I think your hands are tied. It's so sad that neither of their parents are prioritising these kids.

I was slightly older than your niece, I was 16 and my sibling 12 when my mum moved her new boyfriend in after 2 weeks of relationship. I explained how uncomfortable it made me feel but she didn’t care and said I’d get used to it. I never did and I moved out as soon as I was able to. He was a decent man but that wasn’t the point at all. He came without kids tho which was a bonus.

I hope this relationship is worth the distance she’s put between herself and her children because that damage to her relationship with her kids doesn’t really go away or repair. You’re very aware of being second (or third) place in priorities.

Im now a mother and I can’t imagine doing that to my kids and I can’t even begin to understand what would possess someone to do that, however my sibling has done similar with their relationship and children and has a blended family. The kids hate each other and resent each other and it has a knock on effect with my kids because the cousins and step cousins fight for their attention. My sibling has adopted the you’ll get used to it attitude but I think their partner may out an end to things for the sake of their kids if it continues like this.

sorry that doesn’t really help your situation but it seems to be a common one. Just be there for your niece and nephew, having another adult separate from the situation was a huge help to me.

Those poor kids.

They have never had good parenting, a less engaged Dad, she always palmed them off and now they are collateral in her desperate need to keep a man.

Who surprise, surprise, was keen to move into her 4 bed house.

Does she own that house? Because if so her next twat move will be to marry him and give him rights to it. Her children’s house .

Honestly , as this seems to stem from her own desperate neediness and insecurity, mixed with a serving of selfishness, I doubt there is much you can do to change her behaviour.

Your niece and nephew are also being let down by their Dad.

All you can do is keep as close as possible to your niece and nephew, let them talk, take an interest in their hobbies and music tastes etc, their education - praise them, encourage them… let them know they matter.

If you go nuclear on your sister she may well withdraw contact.

I think I’d give it one last try, tell her Chloe is so miserable sharing a room with this 8 year old that she will move out as soon as she possibly can, and it will ruin their relationship forever. She’s pretending it’s all fine but she needs to know that it’s absolutely not fine.

The situation sounds absolutely intolerable for the older kids. If I was her ex I’d be tempted to force through the sale of the house if she won’t budge on the room sharing, because he’s currently subsidising this cocklodger who is making his own kids lives miserable. Then both parents could end up with a 3 bedroom place and their shared kids could choose where to live. The older they get, the less the working patterns of the adults matter, and the more they just need peaceful and private spaces of to live and study.

Other than that, let your niece & nephew know you’re always there for them.

100% this.

OP sounds like you’re a life line for your niece and nephew. Thank goodness they have you to care about them. It sounds like your sister hasn’t considered them at all in this arrangement, particularly your niece.

I hope they are allowed to stay with you as much as possible so that they can have some time away from the chaos. I can’t understand anyone being stupid and selfish enough to inflict an eight year old on a fourteen year old girl by making them share a room, especially when it sounds like they have only known each other for a few months.

Definitely don’t indulge your sister’s selfishness by taking on all four!

This is so sad for the children, but your sister must know this, and must realise she’s being selfish and prioritising her relationship over her children. It’s very obvious where her priorities lie when she knows they’re unhappy, but her own needs come first.

I’m sure she didn’t appreciate you vocalising your concerns because she knows them to be true, but she’s not willing to do anything differently. I’d keep doing what you’re doing -you sound like a wonderful aunt and the children are lucky to have you.

I wonder should you encourage the children to report to their teachers how unhappy they are with their home situation.
The teachers might refer to SS.
I think your sister sounds absolutely awful.
A selfish waste of space.
Better your BIL insists on the house be sold so she can't house Ben and his family.

Poor children. It sounds like a really miserable childhood.

@NuovaPilbeamits not sex.
Being a single parent is hard, some just can’t cope. Financially, mentally, logistically (two school runs, clashing appointments, work etc). It is most challenging thing I have ever done. I don’t have a moment to breathe. Yes this woman is a douche, but I feel deeply uncomfortable with single parents being blamed for choosing to share the load with someone.

Sorry but social services are not going to get involved just because a 14 year old girl is being forced to share a room with her mum's boyfriend's 8 year old, or because family days out are geared towards little kids rather than teenagers.

Is Ben sharing the load though? He’s the one with the younger kids, sounds like he’s getting the better deal.

It's amazing how people with shitty, chaotic lives always think someone is jealous of them 🙄.

Your exBIL is also a real disappointment, as he should be advocating for hos children. How is it everyone else's business except his?

Thankfully the children have you and their grandparents. I hope you can continue being there for them, and cue your ridiculous sister 'adding to their family' soon, further alienating her children ☹️.

If it was the sisters parents I could understand with her wanting them to treat her ‘step’ kids the same when it came to Christmas etc. But she can’t expect her Ex Husbands parents to treat the kids the same, the other kids aren’t actually much to do with them!

@PoshestPaws deep down your sister doesn't care. Thats the sad reality you need to wrap your head around. So no amount of trying to appeal to her will help.

In her mind its her wants vs her kids needs and her wants will win out everytime.

The truth of the matter is, the DD will probably move out as soon as she can and go LC with her mother, then years later she'll be another poster on the stately homes thread posting about her narcissistic mother whose moaning because no one cares about her. It's a never ending cycle that it's depressingly predictable.

The only thing you can do is possibly offer her kids a home when they are old enough to chose so they can get out of the situation.

You sound like a lovely, caring aunt and take comfort in the fact they've at least got you looking out for them.

There is no solution but given her age you might think about letting Chloe decide she would rather come and live with you during her formative teenage years, until she goes to uni or moves out and gets a job.

As a single parent myself, I absolutely blame any asshole who thinks - my life is so hard, I'm just going to make stupid choices that make my children's lives harder.

She has picked up a man who thought his children were miserable sharing a space; but it's absolutely okay for them to move in and completely invade the space of her children.
And she is so desperate, she'll happily make her children unhappy to facilitate him and his.

Why couldn't they share a bedroom and enjoy the rest of the comforts of living in a larger home? Why must they capitalise on the tv, the space and now alienate this young girl from her friends because they have no boundaries?

Yup - I blame and judge this woman and her useless ex who also seems completely unbothered by his children's misery.

Poor children.

This is why I chose to stay single. I can date when my kids are adults. I've done 14 years now and its been bliss 🤣

Sex is part of it. Otherwise why would single women pick useless blokes to share homes with?

You'd get more help sharing with another single female friend who actually pulled their weight.

Plus, the mate wouldnt take up your time - they wouldn't be pestering you for weekends away without the DC, you'd be able to give more energy to your DC if not trying to work out how to fit in more date nights with new bloke.

Tbh I'm impressed by how mature your niece and nephew are in that they haven't decided to make a joint campaign to get Ben and his children out by making the home as uncomfortable as possible (destroying Ben's stuff, playing music full of swear words in Chloe's room etc etc).

We are a blended family of 4 kids too - we have 2 each. The absolute first thing we agreed on when moving in together was that the already habited children remain in their own bedrooms, and the children moving in have their own rooms each. Thankfully we had enough rooms to do this.

It’s important for blended kids to have their own space - they are not siblings. They are not related and it’s purely a bonus if they do get on - we are however lucky in that respect as ours really do.

I do feel for your niece. I can’t even imagine how it must be at 14 to suddenly have an 8yo child in your room all the time.

Unfortunately it does seem like your sister is putting herself first. So for this reason, I do fully agree with you.

Could it perhaps be a suggestion that the room is partitioned? I appreciate your niece will lose half her room, but at least she gets her privacy back. Or is there perhaps a room they could convert into a bedroom?

Clearly Ben's two small children should have the big room and share. They are younger and they can have bunk beds with room to play. DSis's children can then have a room each and some space.

It sounds like she is completely deluding herself that this is the perfect family, all under one roof, a man and a nice house etc. On the face of it, it could be. But she really isn't able to empathise with her kids and also hoe now would she go back from this if she wants to keep the relationship. It would need her to admit it isnt working and the man to respect that and thrn move him and his kids out again. You don't know that he has manipulated her, it might have been her pressuring him to move in in reality, you really dont know their private conversations. Some people can not be alone and will cling onto any partner so they arent alone
I think you have already told her your thoughts, if you fall out with her it will be worse for the kids.
Potentially you could suggest you help her with working out how to split a shared bedroom for chloe. I have seen loads of ideas on here about how to do that. I think that could really help. Also providing a safe quiet house chloe can come to is something you can do for her.
I wouldnt look after the other kids, no way. Plenty of parents dont have anyone to look aftet their kids so they can go on weekends away. In her situation there are 4 parents alive and well and they should be able to sort childcare out between 4 of them seeing as most people manage with 2 and many with 1.
It also sounds like the mum of the step kids and the dad of your sisters kids are lazy twats who arent bothering themselves to do much.

Both the parents are to blame and both the parents of the other two children are to blame also. Fixing the blame won’t fix the problem though. They’re not going to change because someone points it out to them.

I think your only choice here is to give your exBIL some home truths. The only solution I can see is that he steps up with some help from his parents, the house is sold and he has them a lot more.