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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think there is not enough focus on parents when kids cut them off

130 replies

diddlysquatagain · 17/09/2025 11:24

Posting on AIBU for traffic.

I know that there are many cases of terrible abuse which lead to a child cutting contact with their parents — I understand that.

But in the last few years, I’ve come across an increasing number of cases where parents are flummoxed as to why they’ve been cut off.

I have a female friend whose adult child (around 30 — I personally think he’s experiencing mental health issues, having previously trained and, I believe, used steroids) has cut off contact, and the stories he’s been telling others verge slightly on conspiracy theories. In fact, and this is history repeating itself, the DC's father - who is the one I would actually term a 'narcissist' who wasn't around but reappeared and now has a stong hold - had a parent who also cut contact with their parent so it seems to be a pattern repeated.

This post is not for those who say, “you don’t know the full story, there is always another side to it.” I want to hear from parents who have been cut off or estranged but genuinely don’t know why and are heartbroken.

Of course, no parents are perfect — we shout, we sometimes overlook things, there are myriad minor and not so minor failings — but I’d like to hear stories to better understand.

More generally, I’ve noticed in younger generations a tendency to cut off friendships if those friends are a bit down and are labelled as “toxic” (I dislike that word intensely). In some cases “toxic” has been described as “someone who just talks about their own problems.” I feel this is dismissive. If someone is suffering from depression, that is exactly what they end up doing - it’s part of the illness. I would never drop a friend for that, but people do nowadays - at the drop of a hat.

As I say, I would like to hear from those parents who - albeit not perfect - truly don’t know why their children chose to go no-contact.

Edited by MNHQ for the OP to remove content that wasn't meant to be part of her post

OP posts:
Trickabrick · 17/09/2025 11:25

diddlysquatagain · 17/09/2025 11:24

Posting on AIBU for traffic.

I know that there are many cases of terrible abuse which lead to a child cutting contact with their parents — I understand that.

But in the last few years, I’ve come across an increasing number of cases where parents are flummoxed as to why they’ve been cut off.

I have a female friend whose adult child (around 30 — I personally think he’s experiencing mental health issues, having previously trained and, I believe, used steroids) has cut off contact, and the stories he’s been telling others verge slightly on conspiracy theories. In fact, and this is history repeating itself, the DC's father - who is the one I would actually term a 'narcissist' who wasn't around but reappeared and now has a stong hold - had a parent who also cut contact with their parent so it seems to be a pattern repeated.

This post is not for those who say, “you don’t know the full story, there is always another side to it.” I want to hear from parents who have been cut off or estranged but genuinely don’t know why and are heartbroken.

Of course, no parents are perfect — we shout, we sometimes overlook things, there are myriad minor and not so minor failings — but I’d like to hear stories to better understand.

More generally, I’ve noticed in younger generations a tendency to cut off friendships if those friends are a bit down and are labelled as “toxic” (I dislike that word intensely). In some cases “toxic” has been described as “someone who just talks about their own problems.” I feel this is dismissive. If someone is suffering from depression, that is exactly what they end up doing - it’s part of the illness. I would never drop a friend for that, but people do nowadays - at the drop of a hat.

As I say, I would like to hear from those parents who - albeit not perfect - truly don’t know why their children chose to go no-contact.

Edited by MNHQ for the OP to remove content that wasn't meant to be part of her post

Not sure about the last sentence in this - are you using ChatGPT to ask this question?

AMillionTomorrows · 17/09/2025 11:25

You left Chat GPTs last line on your post there.

MNJury · 17/09/2025 11:26

Would you like me to make this even more concise and direct, or keep the reflective conversational tone?

Oh, I'd keep it conversational if I were you.

MNJury · 17/09/2025 11:26

😆

Ncforthistodayonly · 17/09/2025 11:28

Shucks was actually about to reply...

darknightslightmorning · 17/09/2025 11:28

Deffo keep it conservational 😂😂😂

GasperyJacquesRoberts · 17/09/2025 11:29

Ask your AI to summarise "The Missing Missing Reasons" for you.

DollopOfFun · 17/09/2025 11:29

Definitely ask it to make it more concise.

RobinTheCavewoman · 17/09/2025 11:30

Just write it yourself, it's not that complex a topic.

BettysRoasties · 17/09/2025 11:30

Ignoring the chat gpt.

maybe head over to grans net who have so much estrangement it has its own section of the forum. However most of them believe they haven’t done any wrong at all.

I’ve cut off a family member. Or rather they cut themselves off when they didn’t like a boundary I put in place and wouldn’t accept it.

Life is too short to spend it appeasing people just because “family”

murasaki · 17/09/2025 11:31

I'm sure AI can answer it for you.

GasperyJacquesRoberts · 17/09/2025 11:31

DollopOfFun · 17/09/2025 11:29

Definitely ask it to make it more concise.

Wouldn't it be more fun to ask it to write it in the style of Wodehouse?

Upstartled · 17/09/2025 11:32

Would you like me to make this even more concise and direct, or keep the reflective conversational tone?

Yes, please. Also, could you tell me the easiest way to fix the heel on my shoe? Thanks ChatGPT.

Swissmeringue · 17/09/2025 11:33

99.9% chance of any comments left here ending up in whatever clickbait daily fail article the op is writing.

diddlysquatagain · 17/09/2025 11:33

I get it. I asked for check grammar and spelling. Otherswise words my own.

OP posts:
Sconcing · 17/09/2025 11:33

MNJury · 17/09/2025 11:26

Would you like me to make this even more concise and direct, or keep the reflective conversational tone?

Oh, I'd keep it conversational if I were you.

😀😀

Lindy2 · 17/09/2025 11:34

A bit lazy on your copy and paste there OP.

I'm sure your chatbot will be happy to give you some answers. Why do you want to discuss this - are you a journalist?

Sconcing · 17/09/2025 11:34

GasperyJacquesRoberts · 17/09/2025 11:31

Wouldn't it be more fun to ask it to write it in the style of Wodehouse?

Yes, please! I feel Wodehouse’s take on parent-child alienation would have much to teach us…

Bluevelvetsofa · 17/09/2025 11:36

Leaving aside the AI stuff, there are some parents who are upset by an estrangement. Of course there will be some who have brought it upon themselves, but also some who genuinely don’t know why. Estrangement from grandchildren too.

People are complicated.

redskydelight · 17/09/2025 11:37

I want to hear from parents who have been cut off or estranged but genuinely don’t know why and are heartbroken.

That's all parents who are estranged. They do know, they just don't see their behaviour as "bad enough".

I would say the one exception would be a child who was an addict, mentally ill, or coercively controlled, but then the parents would likely still know that that was the reason or at least a possibility.

StiffAsAVicar · 17/09/2025 11:38

MNJury · 17/09/2025 11:26

Would you like me to make this even more concise and direct, or keep the reflective conversational tone?

Oh, I'd keep it conversational if I were you.

🤣🤣🤣

diddlysquatagain · 17/09/2025 11:39

redskydelight · 17/09/2025 11:37

I want to hear from parents who have been cut off or estranged but genuinely don’t know why and are heartbroken.

That's all parents who are estranged. They do know, they just don't see their behaviour as "bad enough".

I would say the one exception would be a child who was an addict, mentally ill, or coercively controlled, but then the parents would likely still know that that was the reason or at least a possibility.

But surely there is not always another side just on the parents' side?Children can be very difficult and if tending to depression, there is often a tendency of not looking inside but looking for excuses outside including parents. I have a parent who suffers from depression and they always blame others. When I was younger I didn't realise but as an adult and parent, I now see that is a real pattern. Displacement almost.

OP posts:
Upstartled · 17/09/2025 11:40

Wrong thread

diddlysquatagain · 17/09/2025 11:42

Bluevelvetsofa · 17/09/2025 11:36

Leaving aside the AI stuff, there are some parents who are upset by an estrangement. Of course there will be some who have brought it upon themselves, but also some who genuinely don’t know why. Estrangement from grandchildren too.

People are complicated.

Yes stupidly was in a rush and did a grammar/spell check using AI.

Yes agree - it can't statistically ALWAYS be the parent's 'fault'.

When I look at my friend, I always though her DC would if anything estrange themselves from the parent who was always. He left the family, he did the MN favourite 'the script' (which DC now is continuing).

Friend's DC now a minor celebrity, former model, and I have a feeling that they are just very different and he's subconsciously embarrassed about how she is and looks. Her DC now reminds me of her selfish ex - I did meet him on numerous occasions. It's like the mother - my friend - is getting all the blame for things that actually his father did (or didn't do). It's madness!

OP posts:
Daffknee · 17/09/2025 11:43

Apologies OP, deleted because I'd skimmed some of your OP and was reacting to other parts of it that got my back up, not the whole thing. Sorry!