AIBU to think there is not enough focus on parents when kids cut them off

[diddlysquatagain]

Posting on AIBU for traffic.

I know that there are many cases of terrible abuse which lead to a child cutting contact with their parents — I understand that.

But in the last few years, I’ve come across an increasing number of cases where parents are flummoxed as to why they’ve been cut off.

I have a female friend whose adult child (around 30 — I personally think he’s experiencing mental health issues, having previously trained and, I believe, used steroids) has cut off contact, and the stories he’s been telling others verge slightly on conspiracy theories. In fact, and this is history repeating itself, the DC's father - who is the one I would actually term a 'narcissist' who wasn't around but reappeared and now has a stong hold - had a parent who also cut contact with their parent so it seems to be a pattern repeated.

This post is not for those who say, “you don’t know the full story, there is always another side to it.” I want to hear from parents who have been cut off or estranged but genuinely don’t know why and are heartbroken.

Of course, no parents are perfect — we shout, we sometimes overlook things, there are myriad minor and not so minor failings — but I’d like to hear stories to better understand.

More generally, I’ve noticed in younger generations a tendency to cut off friendships if those friends are a bit down and are labelled as “toxic” (I dislike that word intensely). In some cases “toxic” has been described as “someone who just talks about their own problems.” I feel this is dismissive. If someone is suffering from depression, that is exactly what they end up doing - it’s part of the illness. I would never drop a friend for that, but people do nowadays - at the drop of a hat.

As I say, I would like to hear from those parents who - albeit not perfect - truly don’t know why their children chose to go no-contact.

Edited by MNHQ for the OP to remove content that wasn't meant to be part of her post

I want to hear from parents who have been cut off or estranged but genuinely don’t know why and are heartbroken.

As someone already suggested, try Gransnet. Thousands of threads from innocent victim types who don’t have a clue why they’ve been estranged. Apparently.

Curious to know how you diagnosed narcissism in the one male and have the authority and knowledge to ascribe the other's mental health issues to steroid use.

Parents that are self aware enough to know their faults and mistakes are probably not the ones who are being cut off by their children. It's not a massive surprise that the rest don't think they've done anything wrong/don't take responsibility for their part of the broken relationship.

The thing is though my mother looked like a great mum to everyone else. She genuinely believed she was her great. Always went on about all she did for me, to me which made me feel like a burden, and to others which gave her feedback she’s awesome. If I cut her off she would not understand why and not would anyone she talks to because they didn’t hear her saying how I’ve tuned her life and her body and all that shit. I haven’t cut her off because I’m cold and calculating about it and want my inheritance.

if my kids cut me off I will not be saying I don’t know why I will be asking them what I can do to change the situation and be genuinely sorry for anything I did. Lots of what my mother did were throw away comments she won’t even remember, she never meant to be a shit mother she was just too self absorbed to care how her comments impacted her child. I’ve no doubt made the odd comment I’ve not thought anything of that my kids have latched onto and could quote back at me. I don’t think I’ve been anything but a great parent but to refuse to hear your child express otherwise is what leads to being cut off. With the exception of proper abuse and neglect as there does not need to be attempts to connect following that it’s justified to just cut them off.

I think it’s most harmful to have people comment things like “you will miss them when they are gone” “but she’s your mother” it shames the victim. I pretty much had cut my dad off and had all these comments from anyone who knew. He died and I don’t miss him and don’t feel I did wrong, if anything I wish I’d stepped away sooner so the damage he did to me would have been less

Ignoring the chat gpt…

I cut my dad off. He knows why.

but he runs his mouth round the country saying he doesn’t know why I’m a bitch it’s a mystery to him. He has also invented things that never happened. Screaming rows and the like.

I prefer peace.

My nan is one of those who tells everyone she doesn't know why she's been estranged.
Both her sons, and all of her 6 grandchildren have gone NC for very good reasons.

"I say, Jeeves", Bertie said as he bounded through the front door. "I was just lunching at the Drones with Bingo Little, Tuppy Glossop and Chuffy Chufnall and we were all absolutely flabbergasted to hear that Barmy Fotheringay-Fipps has cut off his old mater without so much as a bye your leave! What do you think of that, eh?"

But if your child cut you off due to depression and blaming others, you would know the reason?

You asked about parents who didn't know the reason, not who was at "fault".

In your example of your friend, you've suggested a perfectly valid reason. So, if you, as an outsider, have a reason, it's unlikely that your friend has no idea.

YANBU, and my experience is that children affected by divorce are often alienated from one parent by the parent with narcissistic tendencies - especially if the separation is acrimonious

Children often unwittingly play into this dynamic by both actively playing parents off each other to get what feels like their needs met, and can also actively choose to become part of this process if they identify with the alienating parent

I'm no longer in regular contact with my 16 year old and not sure when or if I will see him again

For context his father was horrendously abusive and coercive controlling towards me including physical abuse, stalking and harassment. Unfortunately he was able to get away with it under the guise of being a 'concerned father' for many years despite MARAC and Social Services involvement

He has spent the last 16 years telling my son that I'm a bad mother, mentally unstable and that he isn't safe in my care

I asked my son to leave as my ex upped the alienation in the last year and was stalking me with the cooperation of my son, and taking confidential information of mine / bank statements to his dad, and both were mocking me for having a mental health disorder

My ex had said to me when my son was a baby that if I left him he would tell everyone that I was a bad mother, mad, take the house and turn my son against him, and that he knew 'exactly' what to say as he was a trained barrister. Gold star 🌟to him for commitment to his goals!

My son now identifies so much with his dad, that it is impossible for him to love or be in contact with me, however I have no doubt that he feels he is absolutely justified. It's a really sad situation, and I'm not sure that our previously close relationship is ever recoverable

Your post doesn’t make sense. You say there’s not enough attention paid to parents who have no idea why their child has cut them off, but then you give an example where it’s quite clear - because the child has serious mental health problems.

People with mental health problems developing alternative realities about their childhoods/relatives and distancing themselves from their families isn’t new in the slightest.

My abusive and neglectful mother would have told you she had no idea why she was cut off , up to her dying day. Equally my racist In laws would also swear blind that they have no idea why they aren't allowed to see their grandkids . Abusive and shitty parents / grandparents rarely admit (even to themselves) that they suck and that's a huge part of why they suck

Why are you interested? Not sure I want to contribute to a journalist……

I had to distance myself (I didn't cut off) from my mother when I was in my 20s and 30s because she'd been so brutal with me when I was growing up. It took me a long time - and therapy - to forgive her for it. I reckon if she'd been asked why I was so distant, she wouldn't have had a clue.

I come across this frequently in my job. I only hear one side of it but some parents are devastated genuinely baffled. Others even on a short meeting I can fully understand why the child has distanced themselves.

A common theme is a son basically joining his new wife’s family almost as if some men can only focus on one set of relationships and basically leaves behind his parents.

Parents almost always know why they are estranged, and if they don’t it’s because they are shit parents who have never asked.

Im estranged from family and they claim to not know why - they know, they’ve been told more than once. They also KNOW themselves everything they put me through, because they did it! I could write it in a 10 foot neon sign and they would still claim they didn’t have a clue why. A clear sign you are dealing with a “problematic” parent is the denial of the truth - gaslighting and implying that their adult child is the one at fault. Zero accountability for their actions. Usually pointing at their child’s mental health as the issue, that is often only poor BECAUSE of the treatment from their parents. You can’t reason with parents like that, but parents like that rely on flying monkeys and enablers nodding along and labelling them the “poor parents”.

She has apologies and has asked but has not had any feedback.

Sorry to hear your story.

Well this person did ask and know she's not perfect, has apologised if she missed things. But DC has not given any specific reason at all.

What did your parents do to you?
sorry to hear you had a tough time.

DSis and DBro are both no-contact with our very frail, and ill, DM I’m currently caring for (and if she didn’t need so much, I’d likely be no contact too)

DM genuinely has no recollection of lots of physical abuse, emotional (and physical) neglect, and pours her heart out to whoever she can about how her children have abandoned her. But if anyone says anything along the lines of ‘oh remember that time you threw boiling water at DSis/restrained DBro until he almost choked/laid in bed for 3 weeks and I had to manage the whole house and my younger siblings at the age of 7’ you just get a blank stare.

Ah that makes sense actually.

Her son is now in a semi-celebrity circle with very rich wife (also influencer). The son dropped his ex girlfriend almost immediately after meeting his current, now wife.

I honestly don't think his mother fits in at all into the model/influencer world. He may not be able to see it, but I'd guess he just feels she doesn't fit into his world any more and is now following the 'script' to avoid cognitive dissonance.

But that's abuse.

Can assure you that I've spent time with my friend and she truly is not at all like that. In fact, I often felt that she was slightly taken advantage of by both her ex husband and her son (who is very much like the ex).

She has a tendency to tell elaborate, long stories and some might think she's a bit 'boring'. Her son is very different personality wise but he adored her as a child but it was as if he morphed into his father when he turned 18/19/20.

So sorry to hear that.

What did she do or say exactly?

Not a journo

That is my reading of it, and I do think estrangement probably can arise at key stages when e.g. depression, manic depression tends to hit (it's quite predictable at which age these happen).

But in all media it's 'always the parents fault'. Which statistically just can't be true.

Yeah you left the chatGPT thing at the bottom.

I really wish people would just use their own imagination or experience when writing on here.

Oh my goodness. I'm so, so sorry. Thanks for sharing this. It actually sounds very similar to my friend's situation. Her ex wasn't physically abusive but he was verbally and certainly wasn't around as a responsible father (still in and out of relationships and jobs). Then when her son got into his late teens, he seem to strike a very strong bond with his father again.

But then last year my friend's son expressed his worries - to my friend, they always chatted about everything - that his father (my friend's ex) would cut him off so it's baffling that the son has now cut his mum off. She honestly is a lovely person, great with kids, calm, considerate, always there for her son, both in person and financially (her ex didn't pay towards his son for many years).