AIBU to think there is not enough focus on parents when kids cut them off

[diddlysquatagain]

Posting on AIBU for traffic.

I know that there are many cases of terrible abuse which lead to a child cutting contact with their parents — I understand that.

But in the last few years, I’ve come across an increasing number of cases where parents are flummoxed as to why they’ve been cut off.

I have a female friend whose adult child (around 30 — I personally think he’s experiencing mental health issues, having previously trained and, I believe, used steroids) has cut off contact, and the stories he’s been telling others verge slightly on conspiracy theories. In fact, and this is history repeating itself, the DC's father - who is the one I would actually term a 'narcissist' who wasn't around but reappeared and now has a stong hold - had a parent who also cut contact with their parent so it seems to be a pattern repeated.

This post is not for those who say, “you don’t know the full story, there is always another side to it.” I want to hear from parents who have been cut off or estranged but genuinely don’t know why and are heartbroken.

Of course, no parents are perfect — we shout, we sometimes overlook things, there are myriad minor and not so minor failings — but I’d like to hear stories to better understand.

More generally, I’ve noticed in younger generations a tendency to cut off friendships if those friends are a bit down and are labelled as “toxic” (I dislike that word intensely). In some cases “toxic” has been described as “someone who just talks about their own problems.” I feel this is dismissive. If someone is suffering from depression, that is exactly what they end up doing - it’s part of the illness. I would never drop a friend for that, but people do nowadays - at the drop of a hat.

As I say, I would like to hear from those parents who - albeit not perfect - truly don’t know why their children chose to go no-contact.

Edited by MNHQ for the OP to remove content that wasn't meant to be part of her post

The children doing the cutting off are a product of their environment. From whom did they learn that behaviour?

My brother in law learned it from his wife.

Either your brother is controlled, weak and subservient or what his wife has said about his parents ring true and she’s shown him the light.

Only he knows which one though.

I disagree that it is always caused by environment. I absolutely think it is a generational thing. I am part of the generation that sees things in black and white and is unable to see shades of grey. And I say this as someone who has cut family off. NOT because I'm on the receiving end.

Sadly, I think many many people are going to end up in my position in years to come and wish they'd tried.

However, my brother in law has gone no contact with his parents and it is 100% not their fault.

I doubt he'll reunite with them if this is their attitude

It has happened in my family and it has been devastating, and certainly due at least in part to mental illness on the part of the estranged child. Interestingly like your friend, the cut-off mother seems to be getting a lot of the blame for things that the non cut-off father actually did.

Absolutely there are many cases where it is justified, but I also think there is a growing intolerance for imperfection and an increasing need to pin issues on a cause - I've seen what you've observed in friendships too.

It's the former, whether he knows that or not.

They are the loveliest people and she has treated them abominably.

He made the biggest mistake of his life when he swiped right on that one.

It's my attitude and I am not them.

They tolerated years of awful behaviour from her before finally putting their foot down.

She's cut him off from one person after another.

I haven't been cut off and things may improve in the future but I have a teenager with autism and significant mental health issues. Slightest criticism or refusal to do as asked can lead to a massive (often violent) meltdown where one or both parents or siblings are accused of all sorts. I find it very draining and I am very anxious for her future if she does cut me off.
I could see us being cut off in the future if she doesn't need us for financial reasons. I can certainly see her siblings cutting her off and then I am left in a difficult position in the middle. I know she can't really help it but its honestly very difficult to live with. I feel like I am treading on eggshells.

It's the former, whether he knows that or not.

Then who taught him to be a weak, easily controlled man? We tend to repeat patterns of behaviour we learned in childhood, and choose partners whose behaviour is similar to that of our family. It's very hard not to!

I have wondered if it may be a generational trait MiserableMrsMopp. Can I ask, if you feel regret at cutting people off, what stops you from attempting to salvage the relationship? Perhaps that too much time has passed and it's better left alone?

Sorry MiserableMrsMopp, I missed your post about your parent dying. That sounds hard.

Relationships are tricky sometimes. Sometimes estrangements are caused by selfish and self absorbed adult children, sometimes by older parents who just haven’t been good parents. Sometimes it’s just a clash of personalities.

And, of course, into the mix can go mental health, substance abuse etc., from either side.🤷‍♀️

Yes, I remember this too. OP bizarrely wanted to write to the son trying to change his mind.

Obviously she has learned nothing from the advice given last time around.

@user9637 @KimberleyClark @MiserableMrsMopp have all made wise, interesting and compassionate points. There’s also a big difference between flawed mothers and abusive mothers.
I also think that there are more estrangement threads on Gransnet because Mumsnetters’ children may not be old enough to cut them off yet.

OP, you posted about this before under a different name last year. The details are all there - son was about 30, had gone into modelling, and had turned against his loving mother because he was "embarrassed" by his roots. Either you are actually are the "friend" or you are far too invested in this family.

Would you describe a woman in a controlling relationship as weak and subservient?

It wasn’t meant as controlled as weak.

It was mean to be his either controlled.

Weak and subservient, just because she says jump he jumps type

Had his eyes opened.

Disgusting thread.

There you go.

Some people close to the parent don't see any issues. This poster doesn't understand why her brother would have no contact even though she says the mother is the kind of person that would pressure someone else to have no contact with her own brother.

Sure.

As someone who had every right to cut their mum.off due to abuse that SHOULD have socail services involvement, I don't get it either OP.

Logically I should gone NC but it's so incredibly complex. She wasn't a man I could replace. She was my mum. I loved her. Why should anyone tell me I should cause myself more pain?

Anyway my teen once said he had suffered abuse. I wanted to laugh and say you don't know what abuse is mate. He grew up a bit since.

For some children is that their parents don't ask enough questions. Or not enthusiastic about stupid choices.

But I have been honest with my kids and told them. I'm not your mate. I'm not here to cheer on your being twit. I'm here to point out that's a twatty desision. Listen to my view. Then do what you want next I will always support you. So I will say "I think your choice to go to inverness university when we live in Cornwall then drop out before the first day is very unwise etc" let his gf blow hot air up his bum. That's her job. I have mine. We know where we stand. I'm not a unconditional cheerleader. Maybe that's one issue. Children expecting perfection, but parents are just flawed humans too.

Unless your being nasty and spiteful or do the emotional blackmail etc it's better to say "I am having a 6 month, year break because..." I did this mil and when we was back in contact she agreed then went back to her emotional blackmail so I know it doesn't often work. But I think it did help. I have choice also to ignore the drama. I don't blow the house up. I just step outside.

Why are you asking for the details? She said she was brutal, do you not think that's enough? Some people might not want to go into the gory details for either a) your titillation or b) you to try to pick apart and say that's not a good enough reason.

I could not agree more.

I'm NC with my parents for damn good reasons and I know others who are the same. But there is a wide range of reasons for why people cut off their parents and that seems to be forgotten.

Why do you find it a disgusting thread?

What an insightful post and sorry that you suffered abuse by your mum. Understand it's complex but I would never question going NC if there is such a situation but understand why it might not be straightforward.

I agree, bit of a trend for victimhood and feeling sorry for ourselves nowadays when things are not perfect or when challenged on opinions/views.

I think this makes it much harder for those instances where REAL abuse took place.

A bit like so many people nowadays claiming to be 'depressed' when they're down in the dumps, due to something that happened to them. Again massively not helpful for those with severe, clinical depression.

It's a good question. Neither of his brothers are like that.

The thing is that he spent his entire twenties dating several different women each week and never had a relationship lasting more than a fortnight. Then he got to about 30, all his friends were starting to pair off and settle down, and he met a woman who was in a hurry to do those things ASAP. I honestly think a big part of it is the fact that he has literally zero experience of being in a relationship with someone other than her.

Neither of my parents in law is either controlled or controlling, they have a very loving, respectful marriage. So he didn't learn it at home, or from anyone else in the wider family.

No one knows how to deal with his behaviour because it's the first family drama there has been for as long as anyone can remember.