AIBU to think there is not enough focus on parents when kids cut them off

[diddlysquatagain]

Posting on AIBU for traffic.

I know that there are many cases of terrible abuse which lead to a child cutting contact with their parents — I understand that.

But in the last few years, I’ve come across an increasing number of cases where parents are flummoxed as to why they’ve been cut off.

I have a female friend whose adult child (around 30 — I personally think he’s experiencing mental health issues, having previously trained and, I believe, used steroids) has cut off contact, and the stories he’s been telling others verge slightly on conspiracy theories. In fact, and this is history repeating itself, the DC's father - who is the one I would actually term a 'narcissist' who wasn't around but reappeared and now has a stong hold - had a parent who also cut contact with their parent so it seems to be a pattern repeated.

This post is not for those who say, “you don’t know the full story, there is always another side to it.” I want to hear from parents who have been cut off or estranged but genuinely don’t know why and are heartbroken.

Of course, no parents are perfect — we shout, we sometimes overlook things, there are myriad minor and not so minor failings — but I’d like to hear stories to better understand.

More generally, I’ve noticed in younger generations a tendency to cut off friendships if those friends are a bit down and are labelled as “toxic” (I dislike that word intensely). In some cases “toxic” has been described as “someone who just talks about their own problems.” I feel this is dismissive. If someone is suffering from depression, that is exactly what they end up doing - it’s part of the illness. I would never drop a friend for that, but people do nowadays - at the drop of a hat.

As I say, I would like to hear from those parents who - albeit not perfect - truly don’t know why their children chose to go no-contact.

Edited by MNHQ for the OP to remove content that wasn't meant to be part of her post

My stepbrother has cut off my mother and his father (our parents).

My mother has given mixed reasons for the break. She says that my stepbrother first blamed them for not providing free childcare for their children, then brought up things that happened when growing up that made him feel unwelcome in their home. She suspects that my stepbrother feels that I was favoured.

I honestly don't really understand why he has done this. Our parents are not perfect and can be annoying, but they have overall been fairly supportive of us both, I think. I suppose that we have been treated differently in some ways, because I lived with my mother as RP and he lived with his mother as RP.

My mum actually pressured me not to have contact with the stepbrother, which has been difficult and awkward. (I have had my own dramas and do not want to be involved in their dispute, and I suppose I have therefore taken my parents' side).

where are you getting this impression from. Do you know people in real life or is it media/social media?

Leaving aside instances of actual abuse, I’ve always thought that it is part of growing up to realise your parents are imperfect human beings who made mistakes and didn’t get everything right, and forgiving them for it. Cutting them off is not always the answer.

Hopefully it’s different with your friend, but the majority of my mums friends all believe her to be a loving, religious woman who would never hurt a fruit fly, and all of whom firmly believe us children are terrible users who take advantage of her/use her constantly. The way she talks would have anyone believe her, and one of her longest friendships ended (close friends for 10+ years) when said friend asked DSis to consider getting back in touch with DM, and DSis sent a load of proof of some of the abuse that DM couldn’t then lie her way out of.

I would not be surprised if many children of coercively controlling men, especially boys, turn out just like their dads

I went NC with my DF at 18. If you had asked him, he would have said he had no idea why I refused to have anything to do with him. In his mind, I was his possession and should do exactly as instructed, regardless of my own wishes, while he lived.

I went to university (he tried to stop me)
I have a professional career (he wanted me to do filing for his mate)
I moved away (he wanted me to live in a bungalow in his garden)
I never visited (he wanted me to cook & clean for him)

He would say he's offered me a secure future, a home of my own and I'd thrown it in his face and left. I see it as escaping a controlling small-minded misogynist.

There are ALWAYS two sides.

If you asked my relative they would say they don’t know why.

What they wouldn’t tell you was how their partner is an abusive bit of shit verbally and physically. That they were offered a continued relationship but alone not as a package deal. They also wouldn’t tell you that every single other person who has cut them off has for the same reason.

They truely don’t seem to get it or refuse to accept it. To them the story they share is we are all horrible after everything they have done for us all. We just all cut them off the second we didn’t need them anymore.

Of course - he sounds an awful father.

My friend is not like that. As I say, she's not perfect but she is the sort of mum who would be better than most of us.

Oh this is 😭😭😭😭😭

The thing is, you can't know what goes on in a family unless you are on the inside. You only see what she allows you to see, and hear her side.

Some people do pick one random event and label their mum as a narcissist tbh

For me, my thinking is, were they actively cruel or were they a mess and an imperfect parent, which we all can be

I personally have experienced that some women hate their mothers but completely forgive their useless fathers. That rubs me up the wrong way.

I am estranged from my dm and step dad. They bullied me, him more so

I forgive my mum for struggling with motherhood. I dont forgive her for the active bullying and nastiness, especially once I had had my dd xx

Yes.

opposite for us though, step dc have cut us off. We know why, and it’s pretty much as above, albeit without the abuse.

We thought we had a good relationship with step dc, regular contact etc. turns out their mum had been lying pretty much for years to them to paint us as terrible people. Eventually there was a trigger point and their mum had told them we’d done something really terrible and they cut us off completely. They won’t speak to dh to ask or get his side of the story, they completely believe their mum.

fwiw before anyone says- yes I know this is true, no dh is not telling me a story, because I am the one who has had to make a police report. The kids don’t know that the “terrible thing” was actually take action to prevent abuse of a family member. It is their mum who has said we are just being malicious and want to get someone into trouble.

So sorry to hear this.

Are you a journalist, OP?

Just wondering how many of these posts are actually gathering material for articles like these:

www.newstatesman.com/international-politics/society-international-politics/2025/08/millennial-parent-trap

The friends my relative have think they are great an amazing lovely person. Someone you could call in an emergency.

Family and friends are very separate personas. Their partner doesn’t act up in front of friends. Is very generous with them, doesn’t call them names and slurs and certainly doesn’t lay hands on the friends.

What media is this OP? Do you mean social media or journalism and TV news? I know one person whose child does not speak to her, and she's devastated and doesn't know why. My guess having seen them together is that the child finds the mum intrusive and needy. Hopefully they will make contact again at some point. It's not necessarily that one person is at fault and the other is blameless, it can just be that the child finds their parent too much.

I won't go into the reasons why I am NC with my own mum but @diddlysquatagain just because you have spent a lot of time with your friend and you think she's the sort who is better than most, it doesn't mean that's true.

My mum on paper looks like she'd be a better mum than most because that's what she wants people to think.
She doesn't see anything wrong in her behaviour and when people ask about me she'll tell them she doesn't know and play victim.
Until recently, when the shit hit the fan and her friend reached out to me, asking me to step in. I told her friend exactly what she had done. Scales well and truly fell from her eyes.

But in the last few years, I’ve come across an increasing number of cases where parents are flummoxed as to why they’ve been cut off.

They do know but don't want to say/admit.

They don't know but probably should - if they had personal insight.

They've tried but the kids have other issues - seem this refences on some threads about Charlie Kirk assassin where kids are caught up in something that means contact is hard to maintain and may end up being just financial as parents protect other kids or hope to keep a door open if things shift in future.

So flummoxed could mean - faux no idea - could mean lacks insight or could mean really don't want to get into it or have to deal with your naive judgemental input on how to handle a really complex situation.

There are also ones - usually Dad who basically walked away then seem shocked the kids as adults want nothing to do with them - though that could come under first or second points I suppose - but there seems to be an assumption they are owed a relationship with no work being put in often at all.

"but I’d like to hear stories to better understand."

I'm curious about this in your OP - if you only want stories from parents who genuinely have no idea why they've been cut off, how will hearing those stories help you better understand?

There was a post on here recently from a Mum whose daughter was not talking to her. From her responses on the thread it was incredibly clear why the daughter wanted space but the OP would not admit they were at fault in any way, shape or form.

You know, ChatGPT uses a ruinous amount of energy. Farting around correcting your grammar with it is a real waste of energy.

More generally, I’ve noticed in younger generations a tendency to cut off friendships if those friends are a bit down and are labelled as “toxic” (I dislike that word intensely). In some cases “toxic” has been described as “someone who just talks about their own problems.” I feel this is dismissive. If someone is suffering from depression, that is exactly what they end up doing - it’s part of the illness. I would never drop a friend for that, but people do nowadays - at the drop of a hat.

I suspect that you know bugger all of the details about these incidents. I have limited contact with one friend, because she is entirely self-obsessed. I refused to join in with a friends get together because she wanted to go abroad, and I was damned if I was spending £500+ just to hear the same old complaints and have her monopolise 75% of the conversation and turn it back round to her.

But I've gladly forked out a bit when meeting another group because we care about and support each other equally.

Why don't you just make the basics assumption that people are capable of working this shit out for themselves.

My sibling cut contact with our mum for a few years when we were teenagers, at the time our parents were going through a bad divorce.

Our mum thinks it was because our dad was ‘influencing him’ and telling him bad things about her and not to see her.

The reality was that it was due to an incident where she absolutely lost her shit at something and scared him.

Believe me, there are parents out there who honestly think they have never done any wrong, will deny things happened and will never apologise.

Are we all going to end up like the people in Wall.E is can’t even compose a simple question for ourselves anymore…

I can give you the number of my “parent” if you want to hear his opinion OP, he truly doesn’t know why I’ve gone no contact and in our last communication with me he said “no need for a post mortem, just let me breeze past this and get my own way on this event invitation”

I on the other hand have detailed 50 reasons why I wish to no longer have contact which I wrote down after my death from a thousand cuts tipped me over the edge. That runs from physical and mental abuse, snooping through my belongings, sabotaging my wedding and deception with money. In spite of all of this I surprisingly don’t have any mental health concerns but I bet he’ll
tell you that’s why he thinks I don’t suffer his moody, self obsessed selfish ways anymore.

I don't find it helpful to divide people into parents and children as though the two groups share characteristics and we can therefore conclude that adult children this, parents that and this group are the victims and that the villains.
Those of us who have children are both parent and child and if we are decent loving considerate and tolerant people, it is unlikely to be our fault if there is an estrangement. This will be the case whether we are the parent or the child in the scenario.