AIBU to think there is not enough focus on parents when kids cut them off

[diddlysquatagain]

Posting on AIBU for traffic.

I know that there are many cases of terrible abuse which lead to a child cutting contact with their parents — I understand that.

But in the last few years, I’ve come across an increasing number of cases where parents are flummoxed as to why they’ve been cut off.

I have a female friend whose adult child (around 30 — I personally think he’s experiencing mental health issues, having previously trained and, I believe, used steroids) has cut off contact, and the stories he’s been telling others verge slightly on conspiracy theories. In fact, and this is history repeating itself, the DC's father - who is the one I would actually term a 'narcissist' who wasn't around but reappeared and now has a stong hold - had a parent who also cut contact with their parent so it seems to be a pattern repeated.

This post is not for those who say, “you don’t know the full story, there is always another side to it.” I want to hear from parents who have been cut off or estranged but genuinely don’t know why and are heartbroken.

Of course, no parents are perfect — we shout, we sometimes overlook things, there are myriad minor and not so minor failings — but I’d like to hear stories to better understand.

More generally, I’ve noticed in younger generations a tendency to cut off friendships if those friends are a bit down and are labelled as “toxic” (I dislike that word intensely). In some cases “toxic” has been described as “someone who just talks about their own problems.” I feel this is dismissive. If someone is suffering from depression, that is exactly what they end up doing - it’s part of the illness. I would never drop a friend for that, but people do nowadays - at the drop of a hat.

As I say, I would like to hear from those parents who - albeit not perfect - truly don’t know why their children chose to go no-contact.

Edited by MNHQ for the OP to remove content that wasn't meant to be part of her post

My DH learned that his parents behaviour was not normal after spending time with my family. He couldn’t understand why we were not expected to be at our parents beck and call.

Initially he assumed that we didn’t get on with our parents but it gradually dawned on him that it was ok not to be still tightly bound by the old apron strings. Our parents had no expectations. Most of all the love between us was unconditional.

I know that my MIL blames me for my DH having low contact but he is so much happier not visiting her every week. He no longer spends a week recovering from her behaviour. Most of all he no longer feels guilty.

Our last visit was interesting in that my DS21 witnessed her behaviour first hand and commented on it from an adult perspective. He acknowledged that he didn’t blame his DF for not visiting MIL. He said that her behaviour was very narcissistic. We’ve never discussed this in front of him because we wanted him to have a relationship with her. But he’s a bright lad and did psychology at A level. He has picked up on her behaviour over the years and can describe some incidents, that he now realises were not exactly healthy.

It would be great to visit her regularly since she is fading fast, but her ability to reduce my DH an emotional wreck. He had a stroke a few years ago that altered his personality, he became more tolerant, and much calmer but her behaviour is just as upsetting. Although he just walks away now rather than arguing with her. This appears to annoy her more.

DH was the classic scapegoat in his family. He was much more likely to call out his DMs behaviour than his siblings. So now he is no longer there the rest of them are now being subjected to her behaviour.

She has been very good to DS but he now knows why he was never her favourite. Like his DF he would question her behaviour at times. He is the voice of reason at times, narcissists are not keen on people who don’t agree with them.

At one point we stopped visiting because she would give him excessive amounts of money or buy him items that we had told him he would have to save up for or wait for. As an adult he is now wise to this behaviour and although he is free to visit her whenever he wants he doesn’t like the fact that she rewards his visits with cash. He’s due to see her tomorrow before he goes back to uni. It’s his 21st birthday next week so has been in two minds about seeing her. She will either scold him for not visiting or present him with a big cheque. Really all he wants is a grandma who loves without condition.

What exactly do you want from this thread? It's not as if there were an appeal tribunal which could reverse the 'no contact' decision.

Yes, same poster. And I did take the advice onboard and didn't write.

My friend has not been in touch either but, bizarrely, her son - who is a minor celeb and influencer - suddenly posted something about going no contact on Insta (with 1,000s of followers) and why don't people ask the parent who was abusive, absent etc etc? Reading what he posted it's clear he's taken it from some US site and it's really so, so far from who his mum it is laughable. Needy, yes (she's had some tough years), but violent - never. Lots of her friends and family are saying it's tantamount to libel.

The stuff her ex has accused my friend of is just wild. And he has poisoned his own son's mind too.

One was that she is supposed to have raped her ex husband and that this is the reason the son was conceived (this is what her son's father told his own son FFS) - should add that her ex is 6'5 and she is 5'5 (her ex has also never held down a long-term, steady job and has had numerous relationships since they divorced; his own mum - weird lady, met her - went NC with his father so it's history repeating itself).

Honestly, you must be some sort of saint to even go near your mother, never mind caring for her now that she is frail and ill. I would definitely have taken the same route as your siblings.

Her abuse of all her children sounds utterly horrific.

Not in my case, no.