Old-ish man on the route to the Co-op who keeps saying hello

[RogueFemale]

I moved house last week and already have noticed this man. He lives on the short (7m) walking route to the local Co-Op. He's maybe mid 60s, tall, heavy build. He is always standing outside his front door, and he loudly says hello every time I go past. I ignore him.

I'm 60 and am used to being invisible.

So it's not a leering hello. I also thought maybe it was accidental he was standing outside before, or something, and just a cheery 'local' hello.

But I went past twice today (to Co-Op) and he was there both times, hello-ing, and I'm finding it quite weird, that he's always standing outside his front door.

I'm going to be going to the local Co-Op a lot, so what do I do?

AIBU to continue to ignore him and just doggedly go past for years pretending he's not there?

Whatever our own experiences and opinions of saying hello/not saying hello to strangers, the op obviously feels uncomfortable. If I was trying to be friendly to someone and they didn’t respond, I’d just shrug my shoulders, not persist. I’m just trying to imagine me standing on my doorstep for long periods of time and calling out hello to passing strangers. It really would be regarded as very odd!

It’s the fact that the man isn’t behaving within social norms which has spooked the op. Context is everything. He isn’t a frail 90 year old. He’s described by the op as being a large, heavy built man in his 60s - similar age to the op, so unusual behaviour I would say. Not the same at all as saying hello to someone as you pass each other in the street.

Same

What a sad world when saying hello to people is considered unusual

Probably because that’s quite a different scenario!

You can accept most violent crimes are committed by men and also many men are not violent. Both things are true. A non-leering cheery man (as OP said in her OP even though she’s since changed her mind including about where he even stands) would not automatically be in the “dangerous” group just because he is male

He’s more likely to be learning disabled than mentally unwell. I’d say hello back personally.

I’ll tell you what, I really hope that in 20 years time people aren’t diagnosing me with dementia because I’m friendly!

You don’t know this man but assume he’s a predatory arsehole? Wow.

Not the same at all as saying hello to someone as you pass each other in the street
How so, exactly?
Op is literally passing this guy on the street, he just happens to be stationery.

An entirely different situation.

What did you want the council to do, @exercises24 ?!

OP you don’t have to engage with men ( hello/ not hello/ anything really) if you don’t want to.
Being polite (against your instincts ) can kill you sometimes.

Nobody is angry with you. We are just trying to help you see that there are a million other possibilities than him being a predator just by saying hello. People have suggested:

• learning disability
• loneliness
• coming from a small village where everyone says hello
• mental illness or other

He probably says hello to everyone that passes. Some will say hello and some, like yourself, will just walk by. By all means don't say hello if you don't want to but please bear in mind that the probability of him being a psycho predator stalker is pretty slim and the reasons above for him saying hello are likelier.

He might have a mental health problem. Might!
If he has it is not a real or significant problem is it?
Ignoring him and the problem will not help him will it?
Isolation is seldom an answer to a question.
A relative of ours used to stand outside and speak to people. She became part of the community, known by name and recognised as member of a local family.
Is it your opinion @RogueFemale should she have been penned up in the house or back garden?

God those poor council workers have enough to do without grown ups calling them asking them to stop people talking in public

But it’s not unusual. The vast majority of people on this thread, from all geographical locations, are saying it’s not unusual. What is unusual is OPs response, which she’s nevertheless still perfectly entitled to have, about this man.

As her descriptions have progressed through the thread his greetings have gone from a cheery hello to something more sinister. He has gone from being someone harmless to someone huge and scary. He’s in his garden, then he’s in the street.

OP has made throwaway comments about trans men, which she has then denied making, and detailed a history of abuse which she didn’t disclose in her original post (as is her right).

She needs support for her trauma and to process her anger. She needs to cross to the other side of the street if this person is bothering her (and whilst she shouldn’t have to, perhaps it would provide more peace of mind).

Most importantly, she shouldn’t diagnose someone with mental illness/dementia purely on the basis of them doing something which makes her uncomfortable.

Edit to add: MN isn’t angry that she feels uncomfortable. It’s probably angry at the fact she seems to have misrepresented the intent behind this interaction based on life experiences, not observable fact.

What a stressful life to lead

Maybe your past trauma with men has clouded your view, it's a faint shout whatever that means, how would you feel if it was a woman. You clearly hate all men which is very sad, just ignore him.

Forget politeness, trust your instincts
https://www.nrawomen.com/content/forget-politeness-trust-your-instincts

Edit to add: MN isn’t angry that she feels uncomfortable. It’s probably angry at the fact she seems to have misrepresented the intent behind this interaction based on life experiences, not observable fact.

But that’s what we all do!! If you’ve been bitten by a dog, it’s not unusual to be wary of all dogs in future, even if they come towards you wagging their tails, however much the owner says ‘he won’t bite you!’

No it isn’t. It’s what you and OP do. I was abused by my father and my brother as a child because they were unwell individuals. Many decades on, my interactions with other men have been overwhelmingly positive. I refused to live my life as a victim.

I sometimes walk my children to school, on the walk I greet every person I see with morning or hello. Along the way there's a guy who works from home (you can see into his office at the front of his house) he is often outside having a fag break at the same time I pass by, we always say "hello/good morning". I think nothing of this, we are just being pleasant. I live in a northern village, it's just nice to greet people, it is the same people I pass, usually in the same place going about their day. There's a lady who is around 90 I walk by her house and she is often outside sweeping, she loves a chat so if I'm not in a hurry to get back for work I'll chat for half an hour. She has no family and having spoken to her about joining community tea and coffee mornings etc (it's not her thing) I'm pretty sure I'm the only person she has spoken to some days. It costs nothing to be kind to people.

You can say 'hello' back without even breaking your stride. It does not mean you will end up being his carer.

Dont go to the Co-op. They are expensive, anyway. Get a Tesco home delivery.
I'm not trying to be funny, my solution is to avoid walking past his house.
Agree, you don't owe random men hellos, smiles, or anything.

There’s a guy lives down our way, he’s in a wheelchair and from what others have said seems he also has an intellectual disability. Most days he sits in one spot and watches cars and people go by, waving at them, talking to people. Nobody finds it scary - until he isn’t there for a while and people hope he’s ok.

No wonder there is a loneliness epidemic, if people making a connection is deemed scary.

Saying 'hello' as you walk past someone isn't being 'all nice'. It's basic manners.

And you're right, you don't owe anyone basic manners, but don't expect everyone to agree with you.

None of us would go out of our way to introduce our daughters to someone like the man you are describing. But it seems plenty of us would encourage them not to ostracise individuals that are different to us, and a brisk 'hi' as you pass someone could just make their day.

I don't know why you don't just fucking stop and have a chat with him. All you've got to go on right now is he says hello a lot. If you had a chat you could get more info:

• Ah, he's clearly not in a good place mentally but seems harmless - I'll carry on walking this way
• Ooh, he's clearly not in a good place mentally and actually I feel a bit unsafe - I'll walk a different way
• OMFG, he's a raving lunatic and a threat to everyone around him - I'll call the police and ask for some advice
• Ah, he has a learning disability - it'll cost me nothing to stop and have a chat with him when I have time

At the moment, you're doing the same thing every time you go to the shop and freaking out when you get the same results. If you're that freaked out, choose a different shop. Your trauma makes this difficult for you. Fine. That doesn't mean he's a Bad Man. Just a man that makes you uncomfortable. All good. But not the universal experience of all women.

This