My DH “ran into” his ex

[Erras]

Hi, so DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 3 and have a 22 month old daughter together.

On Saturday DH took our toddler to visit his friends in London, when he got home he told he he’d ran into his ex, in the train station (a very big and busy central long station), he told me that he stopped and had a coffee with her. They broke up 6 or so years ago, she doesn’t live in the uk and like I said this was a massive station so I already find the probability of that being an incidental run in being very low (but then I’m always highly suspicious of coincidences). He still follows her on instagram etc.

I asked why he stopped for coffee and he said that he didn’t really know why, he just wanted to catchup with her and see how life had treated them. I don’t why but it makes me really uncomfortable that my daughter was there for this conversation. He told me that they probably chatted for about an hour or so, she had just arrived in London so was in no hurry and the trains to our town are pretty frequent so he wasn’t really clock watching.

I let it go as I didn’t really want to cause an argument and I felt like I’d been irrational.

Then tonight he left his phone on the counter and I saw her name flash up, I asked why she was messaging and he told me that they had spoken about some films/songs/books and she had just sent a list of recommendations, he offered his phone for me to check this myself.

I told him that I do trust him but I find him being friendly with his ex makes me quite anxious. He said he understands and that he wouldn’t say they are friends just someone he ran into following up and n part of the conversation, but he thinks after this time and me being the one he married and had a child with he feels that if he did want to be friends with her he should be able to. I asked if he wanted to be her friend and he told me that he wouldn’t be against both of us meeting up for wine with her and her partner or going to see a film together. He told me that there are some hobbies he shares with her (Foreign language films, philosophy, tennis, F1) that he doesn’t share with me and while that doesn’t mean he wants her or doesn’t love me it’s just that we are both allowed to have hobbies which the other doesn’t share and as long as we do have some joint hobbies it shouldn’t be something I feel threatened by.

None the less I really don’t feel comfortable with him being friends with his ex. In some ways I think it’s because I have low self esteem and feel like she is more attractive, more intelligent and more fun to be around.

I’ve asked my friends and they seem split on if I’m being unfair or not.

AIBU to A) doubt that it was really an incidental run in and B) not be comfortable with them being friends.

Honestly, you sound incredibly immature. Your husband having a grown up chat with an ex he ran into, makes you anxious? That’s an issue with you, not him; Unless he’s ever given you a reason to distrust him?
Also I found this I asked if he wanted to be her friend alarmingly childlike. Give the guy a break, he’s done nothing wrong. He hasn’t given you any reason to suspect him. He’s been 100% honest and upfront about bumping into his ex, he’s not kept anything from you. And remaining on civil terms with an ex (with whom, by the sounds of it, he had an amicable break up), is a gigantic green flag in my book! It shows maturity, respect and integrity. I’ve never had a relationship end amicably, sadly. Not one. It often takes an immense amount of strength.

The messages you mention seem totally normal and the kind you’d expect from that interaction.

and of course that kind of coincidence is possible ~ I’ve bumped into the same friend from primary school three times in the last 20 years in the most random places that neither of us live near.

I think it all sounds perfectly plausible, and I don't think your DH has done anything wrong. His reaction being calm, and his agreeing not to meet her again both point to this having been an innocent accidental meet up. I don't think you have anything to worry about @Erras.

Another thing to mention, I once bumped into an ex in America! Now that was a coincidence and a half! One which I likely wouldn’t believe if it hadn’t happened to me. Then again, my godfather bumped into an old school friend at the top of the Empire State Building so perhaps it’s more common than we allow ourselves to imagine?

I met a young Australian woman when I was in a remote part of Africa. We spent two or three days at the same hostel.

Four years later I was on an escalator at Heathrow airport when I heard someone call my name. It was her.

She was in transit on a trip from Australia to New York. Same day, same exact few seconds, in one if the largest airports in the world, and we were on the same escalator.

So yes, stranger things have happened, than the DH meeting his ex who lives abroad.

Randomly bumping into someone you know, in an unlikely place, is completely feasible imo. It's happened to me and DH more than once.

So I can believe that your DH wasn't planning to meet his ex. I don't think having a coffee was a big deal. But, yanbu to not want him to be actively friends with her going forwards and he should respect that and keep contact very low key and transparent.

Sounds like your self esteem has taken a bit of a bashing though. What do you think you could do to build your self worth up?

I find it equally fascinating yet disturbing, that despite the fact that this man handled this situation perfectly, not put a single foot wrong, said everything right and crucially, in exactly the calm & measured manner you would expect from an innocent man who’s largely disinterested in the issue because to him, there isn’t one, that despite all that, there are still women on this thread saying “Nah, don’t believe him….” 🤦🏼‍♀️🙄 He’s not reacted anywhere close to how the guilty cheaters react in these scenarios and there’s absolutely nothing in the social media or text messages to suggest anything contrary to what he’s said all along. In other words there’s zero evidence against him yet many of the MN Jury have declared him GUILTY.
Truly shocking.
Marriages don’t stand a bloody chance these days.

I once bumped into a friend in Rome station.
I was most surprised.

And you start to think of the odds and conclude that the chance of that person being in that place at the exact time you are there are astronomical... and therefore unbelievable.

But in truth, for statistical reasons, the odds are not that unlikely when you realise that you're projecting backwards from an event that actually occurred, rather than projecting forwards about the odds of meeting any person you know, at any time, in any place.

I'd just chill. She's presumably going back abroad anyway.

He's lying. Also these things never happen in isolation. There's always more to it. They've been talking for a long time before they met up.And now they're still talking.

What do you want to do.

I managed to bump into someone who lived 3 doors down from me at Uluru, which is about as far away from where we both live as it's possible to be while still being on planet earth.

So yes, I can well believe that two people can bump into each other randomly at one of Europes major transport hubs.

@Erras I really don't think there's anything suspicious going on here. This is one of those times where Mumsnet will have you seeing affairs where one doesn't exist.

Doesn’t matter whether the meeting was prearranged or not. If you don’t trust him and you’re going to phone snoop, the marriage is over. Sorry.

You have absolutely no idea if all that is true or not, any more than the OP does.

OP, I was abroad last week and bumped into someone at the train station that I’ve known for years.

I too think it’s unlikely to be an affair, especially since she lives abroad with a partner and he took your daughter along. I’m sure if he planned a meet up he could’ve orchestrated something more romantic.

If it makes you uncomfortable them communicating going forward, just tell him that. I have to agree with some pp though, that it sounds like there are other issues in your relationship if your trust in him is that low.

Well it all seems plausible to me.
But it's you he chose and married and has a child with.

My husband and one of my ex’s drink tequila and talk about guitars when we run into each other (in this case, at a mutual friend’s wedding) but he’d be happy to have him over if he lived nearby.

Your dh is being very rational and reasonable. Either it’s innocent or he’s come up with a very elaborate scheme to have an affair in public right under your nose. Your jealousy and insecurity are likely to cause problems for you down the line. Don’t let it mess up your relationship with your husband who seems pretty open and honest.

I think you should trust that it was accidental.

You should also trust your instinct as to whether you want ongoing communications with the person and her partner.

For me, I could only feel comfortable doing so if with her and her partner and only extremely rarely - like if I were holidaying in her city overseas. On going texting, meet ups would never meet my happiness vibe. Nor would my DH communicating with her on his own regularly.

I would expect your DH to respect your feelings and lose ex's ph number.

I cannot believe some of the responses on here. Some people clearly love nothing better than to stir drama and are almost gleeful about the possibility of a cheating husband and oh so quick to shout LTB.

This man has done absolutely nothing wrong. The ex's response makes it clear the meetup wasn't preplanned and saying someone looks well is the most milquetoast, generic compliment that has absolutely nothing to do with attraction.

And yet still, posters here are arrogant enough to speak with certainty and conviction about affairs and 'not believing him'. The bloody audacity of it. You people have never met this man. Give your opinion if you must but do not speak in absolutes about someone's behaviour when you have not spent a minute in their presence. The OP even admitted that she has low self-esteem and may have been overreacting but it sill doesn't stop the schadenfreude posters.

@Erras - it is never wise to post things like this here. I'm sure this thread has made you feel even more paranoid than when you initially posted. Log off and go talk to your husband and work on your self-esteem

I started off thinking it all sounds reasonable and I still think there’s every chance that their meeting was coincidental. I do think through that his messages appear to try and establish a reason for continuing contact. He could have just said, ‘lovely to see you’. Instead, he asks for the list. Then he asks another question, when it could have just been a ‘take care’. It feels like he wants to maintain that contact. Does that mean he wants to cheat? No and she’s been savvy enough to shut him down! Seeing her probably stirred up feelings of who he was then, when they were together, that can be a bit discombobulating and I think he’s just enjoying that feeling again. It can be dangerous ground and I would feel uncomfortable in your shoes but I don’t think he wants to cheat, just to feel like his pre- husband, pre-Dad, young self for a moment. It sounds like it caught him unawares! It sounds to me like you have a strong relationship and he has been honest, just a bit clumsy!

I think it is entirely possible that it is totally innocent. OP.

Coincidences do happen. I have bumped into my aunt and also my dad's cousin at the Festival Hall on 2 separate occasions in London.

I have also bumped into my brothers' friends in San Francisco and some neighbours at the Kennedy Space Center in Florida .

I bumped into a colleague's friend in a bar in a remote place in Belize, one of my teacher's in Edinburgh (I was at school near London). Another teacher on a hike in France. Etc etc.

I'd feel a bit odd about the number of texts DH has sent since he accidentally met ex.
It's time he texted a final one like. "Okay, we will be in touch if ever we are nearby with time to spare."
Then I would expect no more messages until you and DH both agree to meet up with ex.
Your DH can discuss with you how he finds the books on the book list, and he can recommend you read one etc.

Only if you are comfortable and included should the communication continue.

You are not a generic woman. You are not factory made nor perfect. You are who your DH married and he should expect and respect that you have feelings. He shouldn't be surprised nor disappointed that they are not the same as how he feels.

Your husband should also easily be able to find other friends (who are not exes or young women) to regularly discuss his hobbies like tennis.

@Erras Could he have not told you and gotten away with it? Going on the information in your posts I suggest that he probably could have. And if he was up to no good then isn't that what he would have done?

from your post about the messages exchanged between them, I would feel a lot more comforted that it was a chance meeting and nothing nefarious

Crikey there’s a lot of posters on here who are mistaking the output of their fertile imaginations as gospel. Please don’t let them play on your mind OP.

Unless there’s some backstory here we’re not aware of - eg he’s given you reasons not to trust him or you have a real pattern of choosing dishonest, manipulative men as partners - you shouldn’t be spending time feeling anxious about this.

In summary:

• bumping into her - totally plausible, lots of us have similar experiences
• having coffee with her and your toddler - plenty of us would do this if we bumped into an ex, doesn’t sound like the kind of thing you’d arrange if you were planning an illicit rendezvous!
• follow up messages - sounds like normal chat
• his response to you - sounds respectful and normal

I would believe the meeting was a coincidence. It does happen. The thing that would make me suss is that he told you about the meeting but not that they exchanged numbers and were planning on staying in contact. Up to you where you go from here. You know your dh better than us. Is he the sneaky kind, or just a bit oblivious to how it pan out?

I disagree, but so what if they did? The issue is the time spent together.

If OP has anxiety/paranoia a conversation which goes “Ex is back on holiday, she’s asked if I’d like to meet up for a coffee with her” is out of the question, because she can’t cope with her husband enjoying being in the company of any another woman. Her baseline assumption is not one of goodwill.

The other conversation they can’t have is “When you stopped that friendship with someone who lives in a different country, I felt unfairly accused, insulted, and I feel quite resentful that you feel entitled to do that.”

Some of us have lived with another’s “anxiety” which happens to take the form of making someone else’s life smaller, more unpleasant and diminished.

The only way he could have run into her at a station of that size is if he was privy to her travel plans and deliberately took himself there at the relevant time. Or pre arranged it with her. The chances of running into her otherwise are virtually zero.