My DH “ran into” his ex

[Erras]

Hi, so DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 3 and have a 22 month old daughter together.

On Saturday DH took our toddler to visit his friends in London, when he got home he told he he’d ran into his ex, in the train station (a very big and busy central long station), he told me that he stopped and had a coffee with her. They broke up 6 or so years ago, she doesn’t live in the uk and like I said this was a massive station so I already find the probability of that being an incidental run in being very low (but then I’m always highly suspicious of coincidences). He still follows her on instagram etc.

I asked why he stopped for coffee and he said that he didn’t really know why, he just wanted to catchup with her and see how life had treated them. I don’t why but it makes me really uncomfortable that my daughter was there for this conversation. He told me that they probably chatted for about an hour or so, she had just arrived in London so was in no hurry and the trains to our town are pretty frequent so he wasn’t really clock watching.

I let it go as I didn’t really want to cause an argument and I felt like I’d been irrational.

Then tonight he left his phone on the counter and I saw her name flash up, I asked why she was messaging and he told me that they had spoken about some films/songs/books and she had just sent a list of recommendations, he offered his phone for me to check this myself.

I told him that I do trust him but I find him being friendly with his ex makes me quite anxious. He said he understands and that he wouldn’t say they are friends just someone he ran into following up and n part of the conversation, but he thinks after this time and me being the one he married and had a child with he feels that if he did want to be friends with her he should be able to. I asked if he wanted to be her friend and he told me that he wouldn’t be against both of us meeting up for wine with her and her partner or going to see a film together. He told me that there are some hobbies he shares with her (Foreign language films, philosophy, tennis, F1) that he doesn’t share with me and while that doesn’t mean he wants her or doesn’t love me it’s just that we are both allowed to have hobbies which the other doesn’t share and as long as we do have some joint hobbies it shouldn’t be something I feel threatened by.

None the less I really don’t feel comfortable with him being friends with his ex. In some ways I think it’s because I have low self esteem and feel like she is more attractive, more intelligent and more fun to be around.

I’ve asked my friends and they seem split on if I’m being unfair or not.

AIBU to A) doubt that it was really an incidental run in and B) not be comfortable with them being friends.

And yet a whole thread full of people saying otherwise.

Well, you’re wrong. It’s not ‘the only way’ at all. As evidenced by the experiences of many PPs. It’s London not the Australian outback.

Patronising much?
what a weird response , and calling others parochial and small minded, are you the husband or the bumped into ex?

Maybe it really was a bizarre coincidence. I would have had a coffee too, it would have been not to imo.
My Dh would because he’s polite. I think your Dh has reacted politely to her and respectfully to you once he’s realised that you are upset.

He’s right though OP. The issue here is your jealousy/insecurity. Based on what you’ve said and the texts, he’s literally done nothing wrong.

My husband is friends with all his exes. It’s who he is. I hated it when I was younger, but I was immature and insecure. I never would have stopped him though. That’s controlling, and entirely my issue.

“Of course…”

Well, maybe some people are better at keeping their underwear on than others. It is possible to meet an ex and not have sex with them.

It’s just my view on the situation, others are welcome to offer theirs.

The point is that the picture the OP is painting is of quite a mismatched couple. He’s into cinema and philosophy, she’s not. He has international friends, she comes across as more small town. He seems calm, confident and mature, while she’s perhaps a little insecure and ill at ease.

Now opposites absolutely do attract but the flashpoint here seems to be the husband enjoying the company and connection with someone like-minded. That doesn't make him a liar and cheat like a lot of people here have suggested, but it has made the OP “anxious” enough to breach the privacy of his phone. That is potentially very major in a marriage. There is clearly a lack of trust and confidence alongside the differences in personality. And that is always worth exploring.

All you’ll get from this thread OP is people projecting their experiences onto everyone else. You can spot who’s been cheated on and never got over it a mile off from the comments.

I don’t think it sounds suspicious but I don’t know your husband, neither does anyone else on here, so it’s easy for me to say that because I’m thinking if this was my situation with my Dh then I’d believe him but others are thinking of similar situation’s they’ve been in where it’s turned out to be not so innocent. Bottom line is only you know if he’s lying and don’t listen to random people on the internet.

I agree with @user1492757084.

My H and I do not friend or communicate with our previous romantic/sexual partners. @Erras, your feelings are entirely valid and reasonable.

As your H commented to his Ex ‘Was nice to run into you’, it is clear that this was an unplanned visit. However, I would not be impressed by the extended texting or by H’s push-back that he should be able to be friends and share mutual hobbies with Ex.

Although she did set a boundary by mentioning wanting to meet you, she also prompted future conversations by requesting that H let her know if he likes the book. These exchanges about the books, films, etc. could go on indefinitely. His calling your request that he discontinue the messaging ‘unfair’ is a devaluation of your valid feelings.

@Erras, I hope he will respect your boundaries and draw a line under further interactions with his Ex. I would not accept anything less.

Yes he possibly would !
Don't be naive, some people would lie like this and much much more. I've been on the end of it and so have many other peeps on MN. It's not hard to find those threads on aibu and relationships.

My boyfriend (at the time) arranged a meet up with his daughter and our mutual friend - claims he told me but he definitely didn’t.
Cut to now, my gut feeling was correct - and they now live together. And she is definitely no friend of mine like I thought she was!
Reading your update - from her end it definitely seems innocent, but if your gut is telling you something about him - just watch and wait is all I can suggest. I really hope it is innocent.

Yes! A few months after I moved to London I bumped into a school friend who lived in Australia on Southampton Row on the one day she was visiting London. It happens

Were any your ex that you follow on sm? Did you both just happen to have an hour or so spare at the same time? Did you both keep in further touch with reading lists? Did you both continue to message each other further? His behaviour is odd and underhand.

I understand a chance meeting. Not the rest. The spare time they both had. He continued texts. Him gaslighting OP …

I’m forever running into people I know in London! Could just be a coincidence. I’d keep and eye on things without overreacting…

I am too, but I don’t usually have time to sit down and have coffee with them…

In reality the majority of the contact your husband would have with his ex, is via text, calls and social media. She lives in another country, so how often does she come back to the UK? Therefore, the contact your husband has, would be without your involvement, unless he's planning on having a video conference with you and her partner included!! Highly unlikely! I have met up with an ex, with his partner and my husband, and we've had a fantastic time. The difference being, my ex and I split 30 years ago, and have kept in touch for 25 years, and my husband was aware from the start of our relationship. Absolutely nothing has been hidden. No romantic feelings towards my ex, we are firmly in the platonic box, going both ways here too. My husband doesn't have an issue with it, and he and my ex are similar in humour/interests. However, like others, I think your husband probably did arrange this meetup with his ex in advance, he just happened to coincide it, with visiting friends in London. Presumably, you requiring the car for an airport run, was known about several months/weeks in advance, so easy for him to plan. Therefore, he's hiding information/contact from you, which is not OK. My honest opinion, would be to call his bluff, tell him, you'd be happy to meet her and her partner for drinks next time they're in the country! It would then be interesting to see if it ever materialised! If there's a romantic interest between them, it's something difficult to hide, and I think you'd pick up on it quickly.

condescending wasn’t it? I didn’t dare comment because I’ve got a lot of stick on here already for my strong views. Totally agree with you, shaming the woman for not being liberal or experienced enough, men do this a lot.

I can’t believe people believe it was coincidental! I think he knew she would be there from following her on Insta and hung around looking for her. I don’t think the woman was in on it or that’s she’s interested in staying in touch really.

This sounds planned and they seem connected to me I wouldn't be impressed one little bit If my dh met with his ex not that he would but if he did I wouldn't be happy to be honest and their messaging aswell and he follows her on insta? Yeah not a good vibe that I would actually be furious

This is exactly why I don't have friends to be honest women after your partner when their with you is something I wouldn't be able to deal with my ex dh was forever chatting to women in front of me and he even went out clubbing with 2 female neighbours! While I was left babysitting their kids

@Erras I think your husband sounds lovely but his shared interests with her would mostly bore me too. My other half also likes F1 and it is tedious!
He has reassured you, told you that they'd met up and had coffee and not tried to hide it. Showed you the messages between them on his phone and she wanted to meet you which is want you want to do with partners of your friends.
I say you've got a good 'un and hang onto him :)

The issue is that he has clearly arranged a coffee with her. Gone to London deliberately to see her. Follows her life still. This is major red flag territory. He clearly at the very least holds a candle for her.

The fact she doesn’t live here is not exactly comforting. He told you to cover his back. I would not be having this op. I would insist he stops following her on SM ( he should have done this long ago himself) and he can move out if he continues to contact her. It’s firmly in emotional affair camp, and he needs to know now what he might lose with his poor decision making before things escalate.

If you respect yourself - he will respect you too

Yeah certainly by all means chat to an ex if you bump into them however classing them as a friend and arranging meet ups and chatting to them on social media like you would do with your normal ‘non ex’ friends is disrespectful to your current partner and a red flag IMO.

hopefully for the OP the coffee wasn’t pre arranged and he doesn’t continue his contact with her on social media.

Definitely a planned meeting, but that doesn’t mean they have still got feelings for each other.