My DH “ran into” his ex

[Erras]

Hi, so DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 3 and have a 22 month old daughter together.

On Saturday DH took our toddler to visit his friends in London, when he got home he told he he’d ran into his ex, in the train station (a very big and busy central long station), he told me that he stopped and had a coffee with her. They broke up 6 or so years ago, she doesn’t live in the uk and like I said this was a massive station so I already find the probability of that being an incidental run in being very low (but then I’m always highly suspicious of coincidences). He still follows her on instagram etc.

I asked why he stopped for coffee and he said that he didn’t really know why, he just wanted to catchup with her and see how life had treated them. I don’t why but it makes me really uncomfortable that my daughter was there for this conversation. He told me that they probably chatted for about an hour or so, she had just arrived in London so was in no hurry and the trains to our town are pretty frequent so he wasn’t really clock watching.

I let it go as I didn’t really want to cause an argument and I felt like I’d been irrational.

Then tonight he left his phone on the counter and I saw her name flash up, I asked why she was messaging and he told me that they had spoken about some films/songs/books and she had just sent a list of recommendations, he offered his phone for me to check this myself.

I told him that I do trust him but I find him being friendly with his ex makes me quite anxious. He said he understands and that he wouldn’t say they are friends just someone he ran into following up and n part of the conversation, but he thinks after this time and me being the one he married and had a child with he feels that if he did want to be friends with her he should be able to. I asked if he wanted to be her friend and he told me that he wouldn’t be against both of us meeting up for wine with her and her partner or going to see a film together. He told me that there are some hobbies he shares with her (Foreign language films, philosophy, tennis, F1) that he doesn’t share with me and while that doesn’t mean he wants her or doesn’t love me it’s just that we are both allowed to have hobbies which the other doesn’t share and as long as we do have some joint hobbies it shouldn’t be something I feel threatened by.

None the less I really don’t feel comfortable with him being friends with his ex. In some ways I think it’s because I have low self esteem and feel like she is more attractive, more intelligent and more fun to be around.

I’ve asked my friends and they seem split on if I’m being unfair or not.

AIBU to A) doubt that it was really an incidental run in and B) not be comfortable with them being friends.

I think it’s all very innocent. The time before last I was in London (I live in Scotland) I bumped into two friends within half an hour of each other, neither of whom I had seen for the best part of a decade. One was visiting from Canada, one from America, but visiting separately. So it does happen.

Completely agree

Surely the fact that he said to her that it “was nice to run into you” shows that it was a chance encounter. If it was planned surely she would wonder why he said that. I wouldn’t be happy about commenting on how she looked (unless he says it to everyone) and I certainly wouldn’t be happy about him clearly trying to engage her further in coversation.

Maybe you can’t be friends with an ex, but lots of us can be.

Op. I’m glad everything worked out. ❤️

But they've been apart for years and now have so any shared interests...and he wants to hang out as a foursome. Is he wife swapping ? Something odd about his behaviour. If you're not comfortable with it sounds like he would go ahead and meet up anyway just not tell you ?

I hope it all works out OP.

However, don’t let the fact that you are older than his ex and him make you feel like you are being insecure irrationally.

I’m in my twenties and all of my exs are older than me. I wouldn’t accept this sort of behaviour.

Because it’s a forum where she’s asking opinions and that’s my opinion. I don’t care if I’m annoying you!

OP coincidences really DO happen all the time. A few years ago my DH and I owned a house in an area of Spain which is not well known, or populated by Brits. One evening we went to an out of the way bar for drinks. We were sitting chatting when 4 English people came in, and happened to sit on a table close to ours. As they sat down, I said to my DH, "I feel sure I know that man". Of course he thought I was being silly, but after a few minutes, they had realised that we were English too, and so started up a conversation. To our surprise, the man that I thought I recognised, used to live in the same street as I did before I met DH. Then as the conversation progressed, it turned out that one of the women's mother, lived in a flat above my MIL, and not only that, but my DH had done some plumbing work for her the week before we left home. Then, just to top off the coincidences, we asked if they knew of anyone who would be able to look after our pool when we weren't there, one of them said, 'Oh, my BIL does pool work, I'll get him to call round'. When he turned up at our house, later that week, my DH walked out to meet him, and said 'Hello John, how are you?' Yep, another coincidence, they used to work together at one time. So please don't convince yourself that the meeting between your DH and his ex was organised.

I must admit that all too often when I read stories like yours on MN, I do tend to think that the guy is cheating, but in this case, I really think you're letting your fears run away with you. So, by all means keep an eye on things, if you feel you must, but please don't ruin your marriage through your insecurities, as that would be an awful shame.

Did he make a bit more effort in the way he looked beforehand? I think if he knew he was meeting her he would make sure he was dressed nicely.

I'm friends with most of my exes... I recently posted a graduation photo of one of my adult kids, and counted 6 people who I've been romantically involved with in the past who 'liked' or wrote congratulations... for me there's nothing unusual about maintaining a friendship with someone who you were once close to, if the relationship ended in a non-acrimonious way. Totally normal. I've even slept on the couch of my first ever girlfriend 😊

I’d hate it tbh but that’s probably partly because I have been with a stream of dishonest men.
billions of people share those interests, why does he need to connect with an ex in order to pursue them?

YANBU. I don't trust these "just ran into each other" stories either (in a huge city with millions of people like London??). He's been seeking her out and she's responded. He- and others on here- might tell you "it's you I married and had a child with", but that means nothing- she could be the "one that got away", and believe it or not men settle just as much as women do. Sorry OP.

I think there's a good chance it's all above board, OP. Bumping into her is not out of the question - I work in London and must randomly run into someone I know at least every couple of months (without there being an obvious reason - i.e. it's not near their work, we have very different commutes etc.).

And even if it was prearranged I don't think that's necessarily bad news - not ideal for him to have lied but some people find white lies easier than tricky conversations. If they left things on decent terms he may well just want to catch up with her without intending it for it to go any further. If he really were planning to pave the way for more then I doubt he'd bring his toddler.

I'd try to proceed on the basis that things are ok (unless there are any other indications to the contrary) and separately look at your self-confessed insecurities. Not saying you're in any way at fault here but just to get some more peace of mind generally. All the best 💐

Even those who don’t live in the UK? 🤔

It sounds like you’re a bit of a local girl, OP. Small town? Everyone close by?

International lives are different. The chance encounter sounds entirely plausible to me.

Is this genuinely your only issue or are there other problems between you? Young kids obviously put a strain on the solidest of marriages!

What your describing sounds entirely normal and benign, lovely even. Surely it’s a good thing to be on friendly terms with exes? And an even better thing for your husband (and you!) to have fun, exciting people in his life that he shares interests with?

But it is significant that this is such a big deal for you. Worth exploring why.

Spiritual also?

Wow....there are some really paranoid, cynical people on this thread.

I genuinely wouldn't have an issue with my partner having a drink with ex if they bumped into each other, and would be beyond disgusted if my partner didn't trust me in a similar position.

Totally possible to be friends with and ex or someone you slept with without there being anything more it thsn friendship.

I have lived in 5 countries and would not put up with this. It has nothing to do with OP being a local girl.

I bumped into someone I hadn’t seen since uni in Euston when it was complete chaos and there were people everywhere due to long delays. It does happen.

However, the continuing contact suggests it might have not have been a coincidence.

I think it's just as likely if not more likely being an International train station where you might have to wait about a bit, as my parents next door neighbours (from mid Berkshire) happening to be walking down Piccadilly at the exact same moment an Italian tourist crosses the road into the back side of my motorcycle and knocking me to the ground, right in front of them. So embarrassing and obviously my parents knew all about it before I got a chance to contact them and reassure I was OK, and I hadn't even seen/spoken to the neighbours so knew nothing about them seeing the incident because the police turned up followed by an ambulance.

OP please don't let people, who don't know you or your DH, wind you up. I have read plenty of threads on MN where cheating partners are revealed but your DH is really not giving off those vibes. My DDs are both friends with several exes, one came to my DD's wedding. Relationships sometimes just run their course and wouldn't happen if you met that person at another time in your life.

I bump into someone I know almost every time I'm in London. I don't live in the UK, some of them have been living there but some of them also weren't.

It’s not that deep no, but it’s utter utter bullshit. They planned it.

Put up with what exactly? 😂

Happenstance?

Having functional, healthy, if distant, relationships with former partners?

Being sociable, happy, intellectually engaged?

You would have to be very parochial, extremely small minded and deeply insecure to object to what the OP has described. And silly too, very, very silly.

Planned what? A romantic liaison in Cafe Nero with a toddler in tow? If DH wanted to cheat surely he would find a reason to go to London without his small child and not tell his wife about meeting his ex.