My DH “ran into” his ex

[Erras]

Hi, so DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 3 and have a 22 month old daughter together.

On Saturday DH took our toddler to visit his friends in London, when he got home he told he he’d ran into his ex, in the train station (a very big and busy central long station), he told me that he stopped and had a coffee with her. They broke up 6 or so years ago, she doesn’t live in the uk and like I said this was a massive station so I already find the probability of that being an incidental run in being very low (but then I’m always highly suspicious of coincidences). He still follows her on instagram etc.

I asked why he stopped for coffee and he said that he didn’t really know why, he just wanted to catchup with her and see how life had treated them. I don’t why but it makes me really uncomfortable that my daughter was there for this conversation. He told me that they probably chatted for about an hour or so, she had just arrived in London so was in no hurry and the trains to our town are pretty frequent so he wasn’t really clock watching.

I let it go as I didn’t really want to cause an argument and I felt like I’d been irrational.

Then tonight he left his phone on the counter and I saw her name flash up, I asked why she was messaging and he told me that they had spoken about some films/songs/books and she had just sent a list of recommendations, he offered his phone for me to check this myself.

I told him that I do trust him but I find him being friendly with his ex makes me quite anxious. He said he understands and that he wouldn’t say they are friends just someone he ran into following up and n part of the conversation, but he thinks after this time and me being the one he married and had a child with he feels that if he did want to be friends with her he should be able to. I asked if he wanted to be her friend and he told me that he wouldn’t be against both of us meeting up for wine with her and her partner or going to see a film together. He told me that there are some hobbies he shares with her (Foreign language films, philosophy, tennis, F1) that he doesn’t share with me and while that doesn’t mean he wants her or doesn’t love me it’s just that we are both allowed to have hobbies which the other doesn’t share and as long as we do have some joint hobbies it shouldn’t be something I feel threatened by.

None the less I really don’t feel comfortable with him being friends with his ex. In some ways I think it’s because I have low self esteem and feel like she is more attractive, more intelligent and more fun to be around.

I’ve asked my friends and they seem split on if I’m being unfair or not.

AIBU to A) doubt that it was really an incidental run in and B) not be comfortable with them being friends.

I’m sorry, I don’t believe him. You seem lovely and I hope it works out for you. I do hope you update the thread in a few months and I hope you get your self confidence back.

I think that's a great update op. Please try and ignore the cynical and perhaps quite damaged people on here. Betrayal happens, I've been there, but the certainty that some have posted with is ludicrous.

Is it not more plausible that he saw she was going to be there from her social media and engineered the "bumping into" her? Without her being involved.

The messages exchanged definitely make it sound like he is keen on her, while she is politely shutting him down ("I'd love to meet your wife").

I had an ex I kept "bumping into" at uni. Turns out he was checking my timetable which was available on the uni website, and just so happened to be passing.

Big round of applause for all the “cool wives” who would not be bothered by this. I don’t think it is particularly mature to never question a spouses intent or think that they couldn’t possibly tell a lie/white lie. I don’t think the OP’s DH is having an affair, but I think he enjoyed reconnecting with his ex (either by accident or deliberately) and getting an ego boost. I think that’s a far more likely situation than it being a totally random and platonic meeting 🤷‍♀️

FFS this is really annoying me. You've never ever met this man or the OP. What gives you the right to declare that you don't believe him? He's not talking to you.

I used to be like you and brush things off but I now know fine well how men work. I have bumped into exs and most times they will message me and attempt to flirt.

There is no way a man would accept this behaviour from their wife. OP’s husband is saying he would be fine with it to push his narrative. I can guarantee if the shoe was on the other boot, he would not be fine with it.

The fact he told the ex she looked good is very telling. He was wanting a response. The fact the ex did not respond and said she would like to meet his wife is a good sign. Seems like she has tried to cut it off. If she had reciprocated the compliment, he would have been testing the waters.

I admit I’m damaged and cynical. By men and of men. I don’t actually know a single couple where the man hasn’t been a shit in some way so perhaps that’s shaped me. I don’t wish anything bad for OP. I really genuinely hope that he just forgets the whole thing and never such a situation occurs for them again.

It's not "cool wives" it's rational, mature adults who don't think all relationships have to be like an episode of EastEnders.

I mean I think people here are actually making my anxiety a lot worse as they don’t know him and are all using their own worst experiences.

My closest friend of all time pointed out that he hasn’t got angry or mad about it, he isn’t making me feel crazy, he is reassuring and I’ve literally never had any reason not to trust him before now, so assuming the worst is only going to drive me insane and if I do deceitful things like checking his phone without permission or if I start accusing him of things I have no proof of the marriage is as good as over anyway. She thinks I’m probably just feeling a little insecure as DH is younger than me and his ex younger than him, she doesn’t have kids etc. so maybe I’m just letting my insecurity cloud judgement on what has otherwise been a happy and content marriage.

I might actually step back from this post for that reason.

No, you know how some men work. They're not one identical mass. And my partner is perfectly fine with my male friendships so there's at least one man who is .oh and my previous partners were too actually, so there's a couple more. Nothing is true of all men, women, relationships, exes. Every situation is different.

I’d consider myself a very rational adult (who has no interest in Eastenders 😂) and I just don’t buy this. Fair play if OP does, that’s her prerogative, but she’s posted on a public forum and is getting a range of answers. I don’t personally buy his story, although nor do I think it’s an affair either. I don’t think that opinion makes me, or anyone who shares that opinion, particularly irrational.

I was referring to ex partners, not male friendships ☺️ You do you, I wouldn’t be surprised if you get cheated on again with that pompous attitude.

I’m not a ‘cool wife’ as they say on here but I can’t see any problem with this at all.
if he was ‘planning’ on meeting up with her then he would have been childless and you would never have known about it.
You’ve snooped and he said she looked ‘well’ not ‘amazing/beautiful/fantastic or even just ‘good’. He said she looked well, I say that to pretty much everyone I’ve not seen in a while!
there are some proper crazy women in here, take a step back, this is not ‘leave’ him worthy!

I’d be 99% sure it was a planned meet up, I don’t believe in coincidence like this but maybe I’m just cynical

You do whatever you have to do. Wishing you all the best.

His wording for all this is very suspect and purely The Script. Sorry.

Some of them are ex partners. It's not an issue because my current partner is not a drama queen. I also dont think that you own anyone and relationships can and do run their course. Your last comment was a spiteful little dig to which I'll just say that cheating happens for a myriad of reasons but is always the fault of the cheater. I can be a pompous twat every single day but if my partner cheats it's still on him. I am confident enough in myself to know that. You don't "keep" or "lose" a partner through your behaviour but their choices.
OP .. i think stepping away is a good idea. You know your chap, none of us do.

I bump into people I know in central London quite regularly OP. All sorts of places - tube, Zara, Wasabi, crossing the road, Paddington station, the park. I think he is probably telling the truth about that.

The running into someone is plausible, unlikely but given I ran into a neighbour when I was in the US once it’s hardly impossible. The rest of it…that’s up to you.

I'm really sorry that so many people on this thread have brought such toxicity into it.

They're are some people on this forum who want every thread to be a soap opera, and are never happier than when they can think the worst of a man and encourage as much drama as they can.

Your updates have been very reassuring, and I genuinely can't see an issue. Your friend actually knows your husband, and she sounds very sane and sensible. Listen to her and not the drama llamas on here.

OP, MN loves nothing more than for women to be cheated on and to be the ones who prove beyond all doubt that they are.

Mark my words, if you continue to trust your DH then there will be posters on this thread who tell you that you’re naive, that “he’s been seeing her, sorry” (how patronising), and that you’ll no doubt be back in a few months time.

The fact is, it is possible to catch up with an ex and have a civil conversation. Just because some women are incapable of that and think everyone else should be doesn’t make it not true.

You’ve seen his conversation with her, posters here want you to be being cheated on when there is absolutely 0 evidence that this has happened.

I agree that stepping away from the thread is a good idea.

They ran into each other. YABU to not trust your husband and I would be more concerned about your reaction to it all. It's ok to be civil with an ex, catch up and occasionally message hello, that should not be a problem.

Look in things that were sent, as well as messages received.

You cant be friends with someone you used to sleep with they’re an ex lover not a friend. No ifs or buts in my opinion, feelings can return, I would insist she is removed from all social media. Ask him how he would feel if you went for a coffee with a man you used to sleep with…? I hope he sees sense OP.

I don’t care if he has her on instagram at all, I have exes on instagram. I guess I just wouldn’t have had coffee with them but they all ended in a way that left me hurt so while I like knowing they are okay I wouldn’t want to talk to them about it. I guess maybe if things had ended kinder I wouldn’t feel that way.

Anyway I really should step back from this.