My DH “ran into” his ex

[Erras]

Hi, so DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 3 and have a 22 month old daughter together.

On Saturday DH took our toddler to visit his friends in London, when he got home he told he he’d ran into his ex, in the train station (a very big and busy central long station), he told me that he stopped and had a coffee with her. They broke up 6 or so years ago, she doesn’t live in the uk and like I said this was a massive station so I already find the probability of that being an incidental run in being very low (but then I’m always highly suspicious of coincidences). He still follows her on instagram etc.

I asked why he stopped for coffee and he said that he didn’t really know why, he just wanted to catchup with her and see how life had treated them. I don’t why but it makes me really uncomfortable that my daughter was there for this conversation. He told me that they probably chatted for about an hour or so, she had just arrived in London so was in no hurry and the trains to our town are pretty frequent so he wasn’t really clock watching.

I let it go as I didn’t really want to cause an argument and I felt like I’d been irrational.

Then tonight he left his phone on the counter and I saw her name flash up, I asked why she was messaging and he told me that they had spoken about some films/songs/books and she had just sent a list of recommendations, he offered his phone for me to check this myself.

I told him that I do trust him but I find him being friendly with his ex makes me quite anxious. He said he understands and that he wouldn’t say they are friends just someone he ran into following up and n part of the conversation, but he thinks after this time and me being the one he married and had a child with he feels that if he did want to be friends with her he should be able to. I asked if he wanted to be her friend and he told me that he wouldn’t be against both of us meeting up for wine with her and her partner or going to see a film together. He told me that there are some hobbies he shares with her (Foreign language films, philosophy, tennis, F1) that he doesn’t share with me and while that doesn’t mean he wants her or doesn’t love me it’s just that we are both allowed to have hobbies which the other doesn’t share and as long as we do have some joint hobbies it shouldn’t be something I feel threatened by.

None the less I really don’t feel comfortable with him being friends with his ex. In some ways I think it’s because I have low self esteem and feel like she is more attractive, more intelligent and more fun to be around.

I’ve asked my friends and they seem split on if I’m being unfair or not.

AIBU to A) doubt that it was really an incidental run in and B) not be comfortable with them being friends.

I've run into friends who live in very different parts of the country from me at least twice in major London train stations, which is no mean feat as I don't go to London very often. Also run into one at Heathrow and another on a plane. It does happen! Personally I don't think it sounds like either of them are up to anything suspicious but if it's going to upset you then he should just leave it where it is.

Coincidences happen all the time.

My comments on the OP versus husband weren’t intended as condescending.

I know lots of people who live small town lives. They're very happy and fulfilled with generations of extended family and long-term friends around them. They’re solid and secure but their lives are by definition narrower and so are their outlooks on life.

International lives are different, more mobile, more precarious and more subject to upheaval in terms of the social side. In exchange you get variety and excitement and, often, a broader outlook.

There are pros and cons to both!

So my argument is that for someone more international it absolutely makes total sense to have a fun and casual coffee with an ex and follow it up with chat about topics they're interested in.

And I can see that someone with a very fixed and settled life might see it differently. If you spend your time with people you’ve always known, new people will probably seem daunting.

I can only go by what the OP has shared and there’s of course a risk that I’ve misinterpreted her, but she does seem particularly nervous and insecure. It’s a real shame and not a fun way to live. And the norms she and her husband live by have been revealed as different. Nothing wrong with the norms either way, it’s the clash that’s the issue. And needs sorting.

But I do think people indulging in flights of fancy about this being a big ruse and a
set up are deeply silly. And I feel sorry that their unfortunate life experiences have left them thinking like that. That probably is a little condescending but there we go.

True but he follows her on Insta, chances of him not knowing she was coming to London are slim, I would suggest the OP checks to see if he knew from her socials when she was arriving / if she tagged herself at the station etc etc but she seems content to accept his explanation and that’s her business. I’ve run into loads of people unexpectedly but I didn’t then sit with them for an hour, exchange numbers and then exchange 4/5 texts with them in a 24hr period. Actually when most people have a chance encounter they’d say something socially awkward or wish they had asked more questions and kick themselves later - especially an ex. But perhaps the husband is very socially adept and this is really how he would react to anyone - we don’t really know that. The OP wanted opinions and I gave mine, it’s good that she got mixed opinions, all relationships are different and I hope it gives her the opportunity to feel confident that her husband is sincere but also that she’s every right to be uncomfortable and voice how she feels to him. I can’t help who I am and what I think about a situation, it doesn’t mean I want him to have lied or that I want OP to see things my way, it is just my honest view.

It seems to me that op wants to believe what she wants to believe. The easiest way to deal with this for some people is to avoid digging, and look at the surface level, it does tend to mean the inevitable ends up being twice as painful because they are confronted with both the denial and the betrayal. Choosing to look the other way and hope for the best

Fortunately for the guy, you’re not married to him.

I want to believe what is most probable based on the facts I have at hand and the history my DH and I have.

When I posted I was feeling a bit anxious about her facing messaged it, it sent me into a bit of a panic and I forgot to be rational and logical. Once I stepped back, got the views of my closest friends and actually spoke to my DH I realised that

1. My DH is incredible sociable, he always has been, it’s very much his personality to stop and chat to someone if he runs into them
2. The messages are innocent, he would say anyone looks well, he loves to read so probably did just want the recommendations list and gets terrible decision paralysis when faced with a list so it’s not odd he would ask which first. He does this with everything.
3. Our relationship is healthy in every other way
4. If to potentially incriminate him for something I currently have no evidence of happening, I’d have to be deceitful myself then the marriage is over, either I would discover he had done something or in the more likely scenario where he hasn’t I’d have been a deceitful wife who invaded his right to privacy due to my own insecurity (which aren’t his fault at all, he’s very reassuring).

I’ve realised since posting there are a few Mumsnet posters who have clearly been through very difficult experiences in the past and while I feel very bad for them, I can’t allow others cynical and jaded views manipulate fact and have me looking for signs that literally do not exist.

The facts are there is no evidence at all of it being planned, there is no evidence of flirting or disloyalty, there is no evidence of him trying to hide it from me or acting in a way that is defensive or alerts me to believe there is something untoward happening.

I will believe the facts I have in front of me as the alternative makes me the deceitful one and I won’t do that to my marriage.

Fortunately for the guy, you’re not married to him.

What a lovely, reflective update, OP.

Wishing you both all the best!

Op I think you described feeling very uncomfortable with his on going friendship/relationship with her. Understandably. They just so happened to run into each other and then he spent an hour with her ‘catching up’ and now she is messaging him again. Why aren’t you drawing a boundary here and telling him no, it’s not okay?

Most women wouldn’t be okay with this - at all. Even if it is a coincidence why is she now messaging him? Your gut is warning you here, hence your post, so why are you ignoring it? Minimising your own feelings?

Their shared passions/interests that you can’t be part of is a massive red flag whether you like it or not.

Why is it inevitable? Man had coffee with toddler in tow and exchanges perfectly reasonable messages and "it's inevitable" that there's infidelity on the horizon? Ok.

I made it clear that I didn’t mind if he followed her on instagram or not, I follow my own exes on instagram.

I also think it’s fine for him to have hobbies that I’m not interested in, we are both complete people, some of interests overlap some don’t.

He has told me he won’t meet up with her or message her again, I trust him.

I was feeling anxious and panicked in the moment, which is a normal response to receiving new information. Once I sat down and thought about it, got advice both from here and my real friends and spoke to DH about it, I realise my anxiety wasn’t built on anything. Sometimes our gut instinct is right, sometimes we are just overthinking.

Im not minimising my feelings I’m being rational and logical with the facts I have.

I think it's a shame that some posters are being very critical, patronising and condescending to posters who see something different here due to their own personal experiences. Granted they may be wrong, but they are trying to help and stop the pain they are worried is coming and they know themselves hurts like Hell.

Yes but there is a line between, offering advice of things to be aware of, questions to ask etc. and just explicitly saying “he is lying, you are naive if you believe him, update me so I can be proven right” when there is no evidence he is lying?

Ex of mine (when we were together) saw someone they went to school as we got off the tube one day in Wimbledon. They went to school in Australia! So can happen. I've a couple of ex's if I saw, I'd have a coffee and be polite too (sadly more I'd avoid) but I would be polite, chat and leave it at that. I wouldn't be messaging afterwards and wouldn't think of keeping in touch

Am I the only person who's still friends with a few exes??

I have bumped into old friends in major stations - anecdotal but true. However I don't keep on messaging the ones I don't want to reconnect with.

You sound very controlling. I mean if it was some illicit affair, why take his child and why tell you about it? And what’s the point if she lives abroad, is he going to leave the country to be with her?

I think you've got a 'goodun' OP. He respected your unease and didn't go ahead with meeting up, even with you as invited. What more does he have to do to persuade all the suspicious minds on here that he isn't interested in her on any other level than as a friend, and that his priority is you.
For what it's worth, I think I'd be pretty annoyed to be restricted in this way. Maybe he is more or less annoyed than I would
be but he has still put you first.

If it helps OP… one of OH’s exes is DD’s godmother.

Make of that what you will.

It's perfectly normal for almost everyone I know. This hardline "no one should ever talk to their ex again" stance on MN is very bizarre to me.

You sound very sensible every time you write OP. Your husband sounds decent too. I do think his messages to her were too much, and ill advised (“you look well” to an ex has connotations best avoided, and a married man should have there wherewithal to avoid appearing to seek extra/close communication) but other than that he sounds reasonable and not defensive.

I hope you have no reason to be worried - we could all do with stories like this with happy endings!

Some people on this thread should frame their replies more carefully perhaps as they don’t know the truth of your situation. But what they mean is “I’ve seen/felt this before, I trusted too, beware!”

I find the suddenly running into each other believable - but suddenly having an hour to spare for a catch up? Naaah.
DON’T LET HIM GASLIGHT YOU, OP! Don’t listen to any shit like ‘you’re imagining things’ or ‘you’re mad’ or ‘you are overthinking things’

I did ask if it upset him that I wasn’t comfortable with them being friends.
He said not upset, and that if I was okay with it he’d enjoy being her friend as they have lots in common but that it’s not something he wants enough to get upset about not having it.

It seems that you've had really honest conversations, OP. I'm glad that you've resolved things, and have felt able to ignore those on this thread who seem to actively want to wish ill on others.