To not “babysit” my stepchild?

[namechangedcusillbeflamed]

I am recently married (since January) after being with my DH for 3 years. He has DSS5.

Custody is set at half with dad, half with mum. Mum is in and out the picture quite a lot, has MH issues, and sometimes says she cannot have DSS on her days (she’s working/needs to clear her head/needs to take her DSD somewhere… etc).

Anyway, me and DH have lived together for around 18 months. Prior to getting married, I was not expected to look after DSS at all really. I would obviously spend time with him and DH together, and would be there if DH nipped the shop etc. DH always works on Monday and Tuesday until 8pm, so he usually left DSS with his mum (DSS grandma) on those nights. Since we moved in together that has slowly stopped, and he is with us now. This means when I get in from work at 6pm, I collect DSS from grandmas, bathe him and put him to bed.

We have DSS Friday until Tuesday every week - 4 nights. At the weekend, DH sometimes picks up extra shifts meaning that I am now de facto baby sitter. I looked after his all day Saturday as DH was working.

I feel awful. I really do love DSS, but it’s such a step up doing all this, and I feel like it is taken for granted. When I said to DH that I was knackered after working 7am-6pm and then doing bed time after not having much of a weekend. He said “welcome to my world, first time you’ve done a full parenting shift”

aibu to that this plan isn’t fair on me?? Or am I being a shit stepmum 😭

Fair enough, she can leave and divorce him, but why did she marry him in the first place? If you marry a man who is actively involved in his 5 yr old child’s life, I would say that implies a willingness to be involved too. Unless you are too dense to realise that if you marry a parent you become a step-parent, and that, realistically, means looking after your step-children some of the time. You can’t expect to have a child-free life if you marry someone with children.

No. The person who brings a child to a relationship has to be upfront if they are looking for their partner to become another parental figure. You can be a blended family but if you’re looking for your new partner to be childcare, you need to be upfront - you’re the one in need of the favour and extra help.

Getting married doesn’t fundamentally change anything when it comes to stepchildren. The parent still has to organise childcare, including asking others to help. A gf doesn’t pick up any extra responsibility just because they get married.

I feel horribly sorry for this boy, sounds like neither parent can be bothered and fobs them off onto whoever is around. Sadly OP, you're enabling your DH to be this man.

Hopefully now he's shown you what sort of parent he is, you'll be making sure you're using contraception.

Hence "if".

The mummy martyrdom is strong on this thread! OP of course you aren't responsible for looking after his child on weekend so he can work. He needs to arrange his shifts around his childcare responsibilities. Doing the odd pick up or couple of hours here and there is fine but you're not the parent and it's not your responsibility.

Because being a stepparent doesn’t mean that in reality for many stepparents, and OP was conned into believing it wouldn’t mean that for her.

OP doesn’t have to step up because her DH’s feels she needs weekends to herself. You don’t get this luxury as a parent.

Surely they shouldn’t have the child every weekend? Why does the ex’s well-being trump everyone else’s?

Step parent here and biological mum. I would not be the de facto parent for my step child and nor would I expect my DH to be step parent to mine. My DH has 50:50 and arranges his work to be there for his children. I do likewise. We help each other out, have family days out and discuss things but it’s never been assumed I’d become a nanny and I never would. Nor did I expect him to be a parent. And I know lots of other step parents and this is mostly the case unless the other parent is totally off the scene.
I think you need to gently raise with your DH that as much as love him and child you are not a parent and need to move back to something closer to your previous role of step parent - ie he needs to parent his own child!

There's a reason why men very quickly shack up with a new woman just after they've fathered a child to someone else. You are one of many, many women chosen by these feckless fathers to do the "women's work" for them and raise their offspring, whilst they very conveniently pick up extra work shifts during their 'parenting' time.

I do think you are unreasonable to not think you'd be parenting this child when you married a man with a young child who had 50% contact, but he is also unreasonable to now dump his child on you whilst he fucks off to work on the days he should be parenting his own child, and not so much as discussing this with you.

You, I'm afraid, are the mug he chose. Now you need to decide if this is what you want from life. If not, you need to discuss it with him and make clear your boundaries. If there is no improvement or he continues to expect you to mother his child, then you have to decide if you wish to remain in this marriage. Bear in mind, if you have a child with him, and he leaves you for the next woman, that next random woman will be raising your child on his contact time.

That's great. But did you absolve yourself of all parenting responsibilities and expect him to do it all, or were you a proper parent alongside him?

'Cos the first is what seems to be happening here.

Oh my goodness that poor little boy. His own mother doesn’t want to look after him on the weekends? She can’t spend much time with him in the week if he’s at school?

He shouldnt EXPECT anything. The child is his responsibility. He needs to ask you if you are prepared to look after his kid so he can take on extra shifts at the weekend. He also needs to check what you are happy to do on the week days. You are not the NANNY WITH A FANNY.

Just say there was never a discussion about you taking on more childcare responsibilities after getting married , you are not happy with the current situation and you would like to reach a compromise.
You could agree to do two evenings a week but your dh needs to arrange childcare or alter his shifts the rest of the time.

I would think the penny should have dropped with his ex not always being present in stepson’s life. Straight away you would know that there’s potential for you both to be covering a lot of the parenting. If there comes a day when he’s living with you f/t, then you’d have to work as a team. That’s what marriage is about. You can’t just pick the bits that you like, as your dh came with baggage which is obviously going to overlap into your life too.

It is fair to assume that marrying someone with a child doesn't make you de facto parent when the dc's two actual parents dissolve themselves of responsibility. Only on MN would OP be considered to be the one at fault here.

OP if the DM can't take the dc on her days it is on to her to arrange alternative child care. If your DH has contact then he needs to be at home. If you are all at home then you treat it as family time and spend time with the dc too.

In your shoes I'd divorce because this will not improve. You will forever be the bad guy for not wanting to be responsible for their child, while everyone around you feels it is fair and in fact right that they (the actual parents) shouldn't have to be responsible for their child because they are busy/need a break etc. I bet you do all the domestic chores too.

But the actual MOTHER of the child sees having him on the weekend as a burden.

lol what did you think would happen? You married a man with a child. When you got married, you signed up to taking on his child too. To say you don’t think it’s your responsibility is ridiculous. You are supposed to be a family unit.

DH is using you as a child minder while he builds up his savings and avoids spending time with his own son.

He doesn’t accept shifts that impact his ability to parent his child. He’s being very unreasonable and you need boundaries now otherwise you will be expected to do all the work but when it comes to major decisions etc you will be told you aren’t his mum so it’s not up to you. Do not accept this.

No. They were both getting married and both had the same responsibility to ensure they were on the same page. You don’t marry a person with children if you expect to carry on living a life without the responsibility of that child.

Marrying a parent does not automatically make you a parent. You agreed to be another adult in the home, to be kind to him, and to support his relationship with his dad. You did not agree to be his mum or take on a full time parenting role that I can see. People have mixed views on what a step parent should be and it looks like your dh has changed his view to suit him, whereas you were happier with the arrangement he had shown you before.
He has went from eow to main parent, but then passed it off to you. It seems a bit of a coincidence that he has suddenly took on weekend work leaving you to do his parenting work for him. And his response to you was cheeky.
You aren’t in his world, you aren’t a parent (yet). You are a step parent and that’s not the same. His child is his responsibility! He had no right to change the goalposts without your agreement . A wedding doesn’t change that.
You need to speak to him and tell him this isn’t what you want. When his child is there he should be there. He needs to sort childcare with his child’s mother.

Theres a significant difference between a short term relationship and a marriage. I wouldn’t expect a boyfriend to integrate into family life, but I would absolutely expect my husband too though. Same as finances and everything else that comes with sharing a life.

They clearly expected different things from the marriage, it was incumbent on them both to be clear on how they intended to integrate their lives once they were married and they both failed to do so.

if the child’s mother doesn’t want to spend time with him, then that’s ok, but if the stepmother feels the same, then we all hold our hands up in horror. Double standard!

It really doesn't. First and foremost, DSS is OP's husband's child. If his son is only with him part time, he really has no business picking up extra shifts during his time with him.

I think this is something you must have thought about before getting married . I have stepchildren and my husband is my children stepdad . If something changes that requires us to do more than normal and step up then we do . No questions asked , no guilt tripping . That’s what families do .
can you husband maybe reduce his work hours and you increase yours if needed to compensate wage loss if needed , maybe ?